Well Women Check -Up!!!

[ButterflyChaser]

I went and had my pap-smear done this morning. It's been over a year since my last!!! I've never had an abnormal pap before, so I'm sure everything will turn out ok. But I was just wanting to tell you all about my visit w/my dr. I've had this doctor for like 7 months now & I LOVE HER, she's the best dr I've ever had!!!! She asked me if I wanted to get checked for HIV, I told her that I had an HIV test before, while I was pregnant w/my daughter, and it came back negative (NO HIV!) she told me that that was along time ago & if I'd like to do it again? I was like ok, doesn't hurt to check, right? (don't think I have HIV everyone , I don't) but I just wanted to state the fact that even though I am 98% sure I don't have it, it's those looooooooong 5 days of waiting for the results, man it's like I'm thinking of every person I've been with! I hope I am not coming across as a ho (cuz i was never that way) I just never thought of it during my "using" days! ya know.
Has any of ya'll ever had to take an HIV test? and felt scary about the whole deal?

Man, now I'm wondering if I should post this, cuz I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea!! lol

I also just wanted to say hey to everyone, I've missed ya'll, I've been busy with work & STILL trying to get my home in order, man it's so hard! When will I ever have it completley done? Grrrr!! lol
Another thing.....my BF will be home tomorrow afternoon...... I'm excited & nervous all at the same time. I have butterfly's in my belly!! Funny huh? I feel like a high school kid again! Please pray for me, him us, that this time we do work out & live happiley ever after!!
I can't wait to see him!!
The only thing is my family is not too happy about the whole thing with him coming back to live with me. It makes me feel uncomfortable, cuz it's like I can't show my true feelings how happy I am!!! Man, I just hope we prove everyone wrong, & we do ok!
Love Ya'll...
now off to get me some chinese food...yummmmmy! lol

[Paulie]

It never hurts to get checked. With the past that both my husband and I had, we have been checked a few times. The last time the dr said, it is okay, we don't need to be checked anymore.

It is okay to be nervous. One thing, you should never have to hide your true feelings. think about that. Follow your heart.

[CarrieSueBee]

Hey Butterfly -
Yea, I had the test once...ya never know.
I had my days as a party girl.
Catching / having AIDS doesn't require a bad image (the scrawny, sore ridden, delirous, sex pot). It doesn't even take being a ho. You can get it on your first experience. Anyone can have it.... and anyone can give it. If you have had any partner that wasn't a virgin, you may want to take that test!
So.... good for you for taking it!
Ill pray for peace for you while you await your results.

[ButterflyChaser]

thanks ya'll!!!!!!

[namommy]

BF,

I've been tested several times. I was a ho! Professionally. So when I first got clean I had myself tested every 6 months for the first 2 years, until we were sure I was in the clear. I hated waiting for the results. I used to have to wait 2 weeks. I'm glad to hear it is down to 5 days now.

When I was using I used to go with a friend and he insisted that everyone he was friends with get tested. Not because he was nervous about us, He used to say "we live a high risk life style and it is only the right thing to do to get tested." He's dead, and I miss him very much.

You will be just fine. Try not to worry. (I know, easier said than done)

[CarrieSueBee]

namommy-
Your honesty rocks!

[bikewench]

namommy-
Your honesty rocks

Yeah.. it does.

[WeDoRecover]

Ahhh, I feel your pain. I've been checked several times and for some reason, it never gets easier to wait for the results. I've been married for several years and I have two kids. I got tested during both pgs and my dh and I have been tested before we got married and once after. It's a PITA but it's such a relief when you get the great big NON-REACTIVE result!

[ButterflyChaser]

:35: wow namommy!!! that's way cool that you were real honest!! I'm sorry about your friend! Wow...that is sooo sad! How did he die? Can you say?

I'm sure everything will be fine, it's just the waiting that really sucks! I'm thinking of every guy I've slept with!

Thanks for your encouragemnet! i really do appreciate it!!!

[wastedtime4me]

it is nerve racking...i had one quite a few years back..its weird i have been thinking about having another .just to be safe then i saw this post...i go for my check up next week...good luck {{{{{{{{{bf}}}}}}}}}}

[bubblze30]

BF Just wanted to let you know I had the test once it was hell waiting for it. It was negative The first one waiting for it was so scary. At first didn't want the results. Then I did it again cause I was with a few guys. Still had this fear of OMG I got it I know I do. Negative. Now this last time I was with no one didn't use and I was stillscared shi**ess I don't know just waiting for a life or death test even if you are clean and celebate it still makes me petrafied. Go figure. Just wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel. Everytime was like the first for me I am not sure why but the fear was there. I am sure you will be OK>

[namommy]

BF,

The best thing I can give is honesty. If nothing else, I can use my experiences to help others along the way if I share them honestly. That way it seems as though there was a purpose for it.

He was my best friend, and he died of an over dose in my bed. That was 10 years ago, and I still miss him alot and think of him all the time. Every time I see Kid Rock on TV I think "Oh my God" he reminds me so much of him, and I know he would have loved his attitude.

[bikewench]

Man, now I'm wondering if I should post this, cuz I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea!!

There is no wrong idea... there's only the truth.

I am going to hi-jack your thread for a bit BFC... I need to share something... but I don't want to start a thread around it...

I have just coalesced that I am a sex and love addict...

I've been driving myself crazy this last little while... cause even though I was clean from my core addictions... I was still so unhappy and confused... and driven... but I didn't know to what.

I was in a used book store last week looking for books on co-dependancy... and this book on sex and love addiction was there. I picked it up and put it down several times... cause I already had 5 books in my hand... but... for some reason I walked out of the store with it.

It has opened my eyes to behaviour that has plagued me all my life. Right back to when I was probably 5 years old and we had company.. and I was in my nightgown.. being a little girl... and this man kept looking at my little bottom...
Then my mother shamed me by telling me to keep my legs closed... and sit like a lady. She didn't even consider telling the man to get the f*ck out of our house or anything like that...
no...
it was my fault.
Like my paternal uncle having a go at me in the back of a car...
Like my paternal grandfather cornering me in my parent's bedroom while my mother was in the hospital having my youngest brother.
Like my father having affairs ever since I can remember.

So many things make sense now.

I asked Ann why there were no sex issue boards on here ...and she told me that we have minors reading this forum... so I am not going to share on this board about it... but I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to being addicted to sexual issues.

I realize I have pretty much tried to sexualize everything in my life. And.. If I couldn't use it... I would use something else.

I have completely lost track of the men I've slept with. I have several faces that still come to mind cause I tried to have a relationship with them... but the others are kind of a foggy blur.

I've been tested for HIV... and I've had the dose twice.

Everything in my life... all that's important to me has fallen away in the face of this.

This has been my secret addiction all this time.

[namommy]

BW,

These issues, i have found, usually go hand in hand with addiction. Especially for women. We have been taught, by society and our families, that our self-worth lies in our sexuality. It takes some time, but with some work, you can get past it and learn to love you for you, not for what you can do. I hope that makes sense.

[CarrieSueBee]

Wow Bikew,
I'm so glad you could share here! I'm so thankful that something made you come near the book in the store, and something else made you reach out and get it to take home.

I sense that the miracles are working in your life! Lots of people in these rooms say, "Don't give up five seconds before the miracle happens!" I'm starting to see what they are talking about.

Best wishes on your search for understanding and healing.
-CSB

[Rowan]

Bikewench, I know you said you didn't want to start a new thread with this but I
just had to reply. I too wish there were a forum on sex addiction in here but
understand why there is not. For years, I have mistook sex for love, and saw myself
as having worth only through this venue. It's getting better, I'm happy to say.
However, I do know that this remains an unresolved issue for me, one that I intend
to do a thorough 4th step on when the time is right.
Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it.
Love Rowan

[Paulie]

BW -

I too appreciate your honesty here. I want you to understand that you are not alone. I have heard women talk about this over and over, it is very common.

I too have been very confused about it for a long time too. I am in the middle of a 4th step right now through the NA workbook (I know this is not the NA forum) and am working through my sexual history/thinking/feeling etc. for the first time after being clean for 9 years. the past 4th steps I did did not deal with these issues.

This is a huge and applaud you for even going there in your own head. Remember that HP will not give you more than you can handle and that you are not alone.

[ButterflyChaser]

Wow BW, I'm glad you shared that too! That took alot of you! & the book!!! I'm so glad you got that book!!!
I would love to hear your story anytime! thanks for your reply!

[bikewench]

Blessings on you all.

Your non-judgmental acceptance means so much to me.

I need you women. I know now that I've treated my gender like the enemy... competition to my supply.

I sense that the miracles are working in your life!

Carrie... I have other miracles working in my life as well around this.

I know now that my rants about lack of attention from my mate and my friend Paul were not around attention... it was around my fear that I was going to not get any "safe" sex.

My guy Norm started having problems that I know now made me start worrying about my supply. I know now that I picked Norm for my mate cause he did his best to indulge me sexually... and he helped me keep my addiction at bay along with my very strong desire to be a good mother. But... then his body started breaking down... and he isn't the stud he once was... and my daughter was growing up and I felt the responsibility for her lessening... I started looking for another supply for my fix.

Enter Paul.

I came across him on a general forum I frequented... and I got an immediate sexual jolt off him. So.. I began to set him up... and finally got him online. And guess what? He was 12 years younger than me.

Perfect. He'd be very sexual for a very long time.
I actually had these thoughts... and I never acknowledged them.

But... Paul wasn't interested in me sexually.

And I tried for 2 years... begged him...
But he wouldn't budge. I always felt him pushing me away...
If he'd have made any advances in that area.. I know I'd have left Norm for him.

So.. instead.. I shifted my focus to a man that was working construction in my area. For months this summer... he drove his dozer back and forth in front of me every day while I was working...
My radar picked up on him immediately. I wanted him right from the getgo. Didn't matter if he was married... gay.. an axe murderer...
I'd deal with it when the time came...

It took one second of eye contact one day and that was it. I knew he'd play ball.
His dozer was parked half a block from my house.... and it got so bad that one morning.. I rode my bike around the block for an hour... with a note in my pocket...
I kept thinking.. .this is insane. I'm having a breakdown around Paul and Norm... and I'm trying to set up a tryst with a construction roadie?

And all this time I thought I had an addiction to excitement... when actually.. it was an addiction to the intrigue of illicit sex.

Any man I'm attracted to is fair game... and I'm not a shrinking violet around going after what I want.

I even have to limit my exposure to some men in the program... even on this forum... cause I'm afraid I'll try to set something up.

I use porn.. I masturbate after sex...

I'm so tired. I can't stop crying...

I look at Norm and I don't even think I know him...

My addiction has been working my life... and I've been a willing... albeit unacknowledging pawn...

I know now..
This is the root... the diseased core of me that all my other addictions revolve around.