OK I've had Enough!

[pjplibra]

:yell: Yesterday was bad. I guess I realized that Yes, Tony is no good for me but drinking is my choice. Being with him is my choice. I have to admit that in a prior post, I said I made it through 1 - 2 or whatever days without... HIM not drinking. I drank without him. I went out - I drank with all the other drinkers... there are two bars near my apartment and I can walk to them. I went there.. I drank and I drank. I laughed and I laughed. Today I cry. I disgust myself. It seems like such a waste of life to do that. To think that that is the only way I can have a smile on my face is to resort to drinking is very very sad indeed. Like I thought watering myself with alcohol can make me grow!!! Alcohol grows the weeds of a soul... and they spread like wildfire and are soooo hard to remove. They disguise themselves with growth of false happiness! They are not flowers - THEY ARE WEEDS.. Now I am realizing that. The only way to rid my soul of the weeds is to stop feeding them... to quit the drinking... I KNOW it. I can only blame myself... not him. I allowed myself to become an alcoholic.. there, I said it "I am an alcoholic'. AND if that is not bad enough: I am a person with depression... you know, that chemical thing (so is my 2 sisters and mother and father was toooo I think.. gone now) My older brother (6 yrs older) died from alcohol. He was only 39 YEARS OLD!... I was 33 and I HAD to decide if he should have life support... I said no... noone else in my family could do it. I am the one who has to be stong. Stronger than everyone. I am not strong. I must quit feeding the weeds of despair and false fun, laughter and hope. I am scared. I am lonely. I am sad. I need to quit drinking and let my medication work without the alcohol mixture. My meds were just recently changed and I do believe they can work but without alcohol in the mix.

I don't have friends... not really. Just drinking buds. My one friend called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go with her to BW3's (restaurant, bar). She was hungry. First I said yes and then I decided 'no'. I knew we would start drinking and then.... well, who knows. I went for a walk to the Dairy Queen and there is a bar right there! It was open... on Sunday. With money in my pocket, I ALMOST decided a drink is better than icecream but I decided on the LARGE hot fudge sundae. is it? I am lonely... I am sad. I am trying. This is going to be hard.

[Sandy Marie]

{{{PJP}}}},
You are feeling awful, girl! It's so devastating to wake up and realize what's been done. It's okay to feel that way for awhile. Try not to get locked into those feelings because they're destructive too. I'm praying you're back on the right track and moving forward. We're here for you.
Sandy

[51anna]

Hi PJ,

I'm glad you came to the realization that you have a problem with alcohol and that it is up to you to fix it. That's a big step. It's typical alcoholic behaviour to blame everyone and everything else in our lives, but it is up to each one of us.

You're right to allow the antidepressant to work without alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant and you'll probably feel much better without it.

The big thing with stopping drinking is, I think, accepting the changes we need to make in our lives. It's really hard, but often people have to stop doing things they used to do (like going to bars) and giving up friends they used to have (drinking buddies). It's hard, but worth it.

Hang in there and YEA for the hot fudge sundae!

Love, Anna

[CarrieSueBee]

PJP-
Girl, I feel your sadness....and I hear your discontent with this drinking situation. I see you are on the right track now.

There is a silver lining to your cloud, though :raincloud . I love your analogy - weeds. Yes! They are weeds and we have to get rid of them!! Drinking only makes MORE work for us...more weeds to get rid of, more apologies, more of AA's step 5, more fear and sadness to overcome - - you said it, they are all weeds..... in our home garden.

It is up to US to sow seeds of true flowers in our gardens. By staying sober, we can do that and we need to give those seeds of happiness time to grow and bloom. I've seen it already. I stopped 43 days ago and for the first time in a year, my husband and I were affectionate and friendly...it takes time to build back the trust. Every day I realize something new my son is doing and how good my life can be. So, my mesage is really one of HOPE. There is hope after this dispair that you are feeling.

Best wishes on your new road of sobriety and recovery!!

[Paulie]

PJ -

You have made the first step, admitted you had a problem and stopped blaming others. Be proud of yourself for that.

Now, don't think of forever, don't even think of tomorrow, heck don't even think of this afternoon, just stay in the moment. Don't drink today hour by hour. It will be hard at first, but it gets easier, I promise you that.

The laughter will come, I promise you that too. We are here, you do have friends, we will support you.

[bubblze30]

My advice is if you can't quit on your own goto detox where you can build some strength to say no no I don't need to drink today or instead of drinking I will goto a meeting. The only person who can stop this fast train to no where is you and only you. So get some help before there is a train wreck that becomes even more difficult to fix.

[KelKel]

Hi PJ
Glad you found this site.
You have grown up around alcohol and know it's devastasting affects.
You will find alot of support and understanding here.
Keep sharing and posting.
We are here and want to help you get sober.

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{pj}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[indigo]

Glad you've decided to make the choice all your reasons for not drinking are there, it does get better, it's not easy, it is worth it, behind you all the way.
indigo

[In memory of miracle]

Today is a new day for you to start again , I am pulling for you ! Prayers ^ Trish

[ButterflyChaser]

((((((((((((((((((((pj))))))))))))))))))) SORRY U ARE FEELING BAD, HOPE YOU FEL BETTER SOON. i LIKE WHAT U SAID ABOUT PICKING A HOT FUDGE SUNDEA INSTEAD OF A DRINK, SORRY BOUT YOUR DAD TOO! MAY I ASK? HOW WAS ALCOHOL PLAYING A PART IN HIS DEATH?? I WAS JUST CURIOUS

[CarrieSueBee]

PJ-
How are you doing???? I'd love to hear from you!