Haunted by Memories

[GettingFree]

It's been just over a year now since I ended a 6-year-relationship with a man who introduced me to cocaine. My usage was specific to the relationship and was only with him, but it began to scare me. At times, it was very intense. In the last year, I've been in therapy and have been completely committed to my recovery to co-dependency, and I've been grappling with the issues that led me to this relationship and others.

But a year later, I am still haunted by memories. I can't seem to shake the deep shame, the memories, the associations. I can't seem to not see myself as so depraved and abhorrent during that period of my life. I know I have to find a path to self-forgiveness, but I just want to wipe out everything that happened. I can't seem to find a place where the depraved behaviour that grew inside the drug-dependent world we created can live. It was awful. I did awful things. Things that I am so awfully ashamed of and fill me with self-contempt.

Have others been here? And how do you move on to get free of the past?

Thanks,
GF

[splendra]

(((GF)))-

Welcome to SR. Glad you found us.....

I have done somethings that I am not too proud of. How did I get over it? Well for one thing I stopped living the life I was living I choose another direction and quit looking back at what I did that caused me to feel ashamed. I learned what my own personal boundries are what I like and what I don't like and I try to not do things that make me feel ashamed. I still do stupid stuff sometimes and I acknowledge it and forgive myself and ask for forgiveness if what I did involves someone else.

[shelly75]

i found for me the only way i could get over it so to speak was talking about it to someone else face to fcae and in groups it helped a bit writing letters and a journal

[Paulie]

Hi Getting Free and welcome to SR.

I understand exactly what you are saying. Went I went to rehab and was working on my first step, writing about the powerlessness and unmanagability of my disease which for me was writing about situations when I was using, I felt just like you. I spoke to the director of the program that I went to and he explained to me that the things I did are just that, things I did, they are not who I am. Does that make sense to you. Example, I was molested as a child, that is not who I am it is something that happened to me. It is the same with the shameful, hurtful things I did when I was using. I liked, cheated, stole things..just to name a afew. But I am not those things, they are just things I did while using.

It took a while for me to understand that and really believe it in my heart, today I understand it and I have forgiven myself because I know I am not that person today. As long as I don't put any kind of drink or substance in my body I am a good person. Today I live with morals and integrity. Today I understand that I am my own worst enemy and to stay sober I have to continue to work on loving myself.

So remember, the things that you did are not who you are. They are mistakes made in the past, today you are a different person. You know that saying, 'we did what we did until we knew better'. Well today, we know better.

Give yourself a break, k?

[WeDoRecover]

Paulie said it. I agree.

While on my sixth step, I had to pray about things like this quite a bit. I just couldn't put the hammer down. Finally, I found some peace. I hope you do too.

HUGS!

[CarrieSueBee]

Hi Geting Free,

I did some pretty crappy things when I was drunk...sometimes I'd black out and people told me I did other bad things. I have woken up in strange places, with strange people...or worse.... I'm horrified to think back on it.

First thing I had to do was write down those horrid things. Some people call this an "inventory." Then I had to decide who was the real victim, like for instance, when I lied to my husband about where I was (out drinking), I had to go to him and say I was sorry. I had to be responsible and accountable for my actions. IF I can't find the victim (like one night, I was hanging all over a guy at a casino, then I went to the bathroom and suddenly ditched him)...then I need to pray about it and confess to one other human (either on line, in a confession with a priest or at an AA meeting). If I did scary things to myeslf, like walk home from a bar all sloshed, and put myself at risk, then I need to apologize to ME, and do something nice for myself to counteract that past bad act.
That helps me through some things. Many times, under the influence of things, we do some crazy things. The important part is that we are swearing off that substance and have a chance to stop doing those bizzare things...and to start healing.

I hope that helps.

[Sparkle2]

Originally Posted by GettingFree

It's been just over a year now since I ended a 6-year-relationship with a man who introduced me to cocaine. My usage was specific to the relationship and was only with him, but it began to scare me. At times, it was very intense. In the last year, I've been in therapy and have been completely committed to my recovery to co-dependency, and I've been grappling with the issues that led me to this relationship and others.

But a year later, I am still haunted by memories. I can't seem to shake the deep shame, the memories, the associations. I can't seem to not see myself as so depraved and abhorrent during that period of my life. I know I have to find a path to self-forgiveness, but I just want to wipe out everything that happened. I can't seem to find a place where the depraved behaviour that grew inside the drug-dependent world we created can live. It was awful. I did awful things. Things that I am so awfully ashamed of and fill me with self-contempt.

Have others been here? And how do you move on to get free of the past?

Thanks,
GF

It's much easier said than done, but try to view your past experiences in a more positive light. Your past actions do not define who you are. Let go of the past and embrace who you are now. In my heart of hearts I believe this to be true. I admit I have trouble living it, but it is what keeps my head above water. I am struggling with substance abuse and addictions that have encompassed more than half my life. All has left me jaded - seen it, done it - stripped of identity. Contemplating your identity in terms of the past only serves to bind you in an ever increasing web self-contempt. Judge yourself in by who you are and what you believe in today. We cannot grow in spirit if we don't allow ourselves to change. You are a better person for all you have gone through.

[namommy]

I found for me, that going through the 12 steps in order with a sponsor helped. It takes TIME. Like the saying says, Time heals all wounds. I have heard it said in meetings, that the steps are in order for a reason. I have found that to be true in my own life. Little by little through working each step, I was able to let go of the past and begin to forgive myself and others. I no longer had to carry the rock of resentment. I don't know if your co-dependents meetings are a 12 step program, but if not, I would consider looking into one.

[GettingFree]

Thank you all for your replies. I do continue to re-write the scripts. In other words, I do understand that what I did then is not who I was then, and especially not who I am now. Perhaps this is no more than grief that needs to be processed. A step that cannot be sidestepped.

And anger. It's interesting that I find myself feeling more angry at my ex now than ever before as more and more reality comes to light. Perhaps this is part of it too.

I think I want to have a cleansing ritual -- something to demarcate the past from the present and my commitment to healing and the person I have become and am still becoming.

thanks again
GF

[bubblze30]

Oh My have I been there. I have done so many things in my using I feared living with all that deciet, lies, manipulation. The hurt and pain I caused through my use. There is but an easy road to take. You must forgive yourself for all the things you've done and move on. Living in the past and what you have done wrong keeps you from moving forward. I believe the reading I posted today is about going forward. I hope it helps. There will be a time in your life that you can maybe make ammends to some you have hurt. You must also make ammends to yourself for it was not you it was addiction. An addiction so strong we did things we would not normally do. Once you learn to forgive yourself and really know thats the past, the future is all new and what you make of it, that is when you will be able to move forward, leaving the past behind you and making a better today. You are not out there doing these things today. You are not using today. You have a better outlook on life today. Just remember today not yesterday. Yesterday is gone. Do yourself a great big favor and let it go. It will be like lifting the world off your shoulders.

[GettingFree]

Thanks bubblze...I know it is coming. Freedom from the past. Even one week later feels a little better.

GF

[CarrieSueBee]

Hi GettingFree-
I hope you had a good (peaceful) weekend, and that you are finding ways to deal with the anger at your ex...if not, maybe you are at least searching for ways to "process" it.
Best wishes to you as you work this program.
-CSB

[ButterflyChaser]

Man, I sure have been there, I think we all have at one time or another. You just gotta move on, forgive yourself!!!! Set yourself free!! ((((((((((((((((((((((gettingfree))))))))))))))))) ))))

[jpc2505]

I know all about the fear of facing your mistakes. I think one thing you should realize is that now you are well on the road of recovery, and you can start replacing those bad memories with new ones...experiences you are going through with a healthier mind and body. I am only 2 days into recovery and have had a coke habit for the last three years, the last 6 months being escpecially frequent. Now that I am trying to readjust to sobriety, all the mistakes I've made are suddenly haunting me. My children have lived with my mother for years, and although they are only a few minutes away from me I have only visited with them maybe a dozen times during the entire summer. I'm not sure how I can even live with myself now. I have broken promises and lied to my family more times than I can remember. It's 2am right now, I have to work at 8am, and I've been lying awake in bed for hours thinking about the countless mistakes I've made recently, and the people I've hurt. How do you forgive yourself for practically abandoning your own kids? There were times when they would call me crying and I'd just listen on the answering machine, too messed up to talk to them. What kind of person does these things? And do I even have the right to forgive myself after hurting them so badly? I'm sorry, this was intended to be a note of encouragement and somehow ended up being therapy time for Lisa...lol. Good luck to everyone.

[wastedtime4me]

dont ruin today by keeping one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow!!!!!!!when you do that your missing out on the present of today!!
we all have done things we are ashamed of at one time or another!!!
you cant go forward when your lookin over your shoulder all the time!!
you have alot of good advice here...i hope you girls take some of and move on and get yourselves to feelin better!!!another thing i tell myself is...you are what you surround yourself with...surround yourself with positive thoughts today...make a list of all your good qualitys everyday..you can do this right here on the positive affirmations thread!!! you may have a hard time at first since your not in the best of spirits but if you do this everyday..you may just surprise yourself with what you can come up with in time!!!you didnt get this way overnite its gonna take some time to feel better...please keep comin back!!
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