I THINK I see the Light!?

[pjplibra]

Well, I haven't posted for several days and I have not been on a good track. BUt, I have been thinking alot about what I am doing with my life. I have been back with Tony and it seemed good but I saw the light yesterday evening. It appeared he was not drinking as much and that seemed good. But, last Wed. my girlfriend and I went on a little trip to a town nearby for lunch and shopping. Coming back, I asked her to drop me off at Tony's to surprise him. What a surprise... It was 4:30 in the afternoon and he was in bed drunk on his A@@. He had drank a half bottle of rum and was sleeping it off. Then, his nephew was getting married on Sat. Went to his sisters friday eve. for a party and all he and everyone did was drink (including me). I got sick of it and pretended to fall asleep in a chair. Then Sat we went to wedding and afterwards drank the rest of the nite. Then Sun. I used his jeep (no car for me - repo'd) I got eggs and made deviled eggs and went to surprise him at his friends that he was visiting and well...another drink fest. So, on Monday morning when I woke up I was sooooo disgusted with myself. All I did was drink the weekend away. He asked me what was wrong and I said all we did was drink all weekend... I need a break. So, I spent Monday Not drinkiing and reading and doing other things. I talked to him Monday nite and he was drunk and I hung up. Yesterday... I thought once more I'd surprise him. I walked to the drugstore for a prescription and then to his house. (More than 2 miles) I knocked and knocked on his door.... finally I called him 4 times and he finally answered. Here, once again he was drunk. I opened his fridge and there was a gallon of orange juice only 1/4 full. I had been there alot and he never buys orange juice let alone drinking that much. I know he must now be drinking vodka. he was sooooo drunk. Well, I drank with him and some friend (drinker) of his and then he and I decided to go to my place and grill burgers. On the way... I was thinking... 'this is no life - it will never ever change and I don't want to live my life like this.' I don't need a male companion that bad. Being alone is better. I asked him to stop the jeep and I got out and said I can't take it anymore.

I walked home. I must stay away from him. I never have before drank that much as I do with him. I don't like it, I am very angry with him and myself. I feel like I have gotten wrapped up in his madness. I hope I can stay away. It is hard with no car and no 'friends'. Only drinking friends. Everyone pray for me to keep my strength up.

PJ :crying:

[Becky B]

Hi, yes the long drunks.....ha, really not any fun! I'm Becky, an alcoholic. Do you think you are an alcoholic? I sounds like your 'friend' is. You did an good thing by leaving him. If he doesn't want any help and you don't want to drink with him, I'd stay away. Far, far away. You can only help yourself. You can not do it for him, nor should you. I'm fighting with staying sober now, but it's not so bad. I got sick and tired of things happening to me that I really didn't want to happen. Anyway, clean it up and look at the situation. You'll feel better. BB

[Paulie]

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I learned that at an AA meeting. Everytim you 'surprise' him you get the same results.

When I got sober I had to leave all my friends behind. Today I have new friends and a life that I could never have dreamed of having.

Life without drinking or using is worth it. It is not always easy, but it is worth it. give yourself a chance.

[bikewench]

Hey PJP...

Sounds like you're hitting a bottom around drinking...
And that could be a very good thing...

It also sounds like your going to try to stay sober strictly by willpower.

Well.. it's been done I'm sure.... but... I never got anywhere with my addictions until I went looking for people who had also had a problem with booze and helped each other kick it.

I hope you will at least consider looking into AA... ;o)

At the very least... please continue to draw strength and fellowship from this forum..

Blessings on you... and your efforts to change the direction of your life.

[Anna]

Hi PJP,

You have friends here at SR who will support you in your efforts to stop drinking. You wrote the words - you need to leave him. You must take care of yourself. Your world seems like it's ending - no car, no boyfriend, no friends, but believe me, this is the beginning and you'll be amazed how great your life can be.

Love, Anna

[Sandy Marie]

Hi PJP,
It's always hard to make a change in life. I think Chy's "In-Between" post said it just right. You have to be in between things sometimes. I hope you're doing well and getting positive support for your decisions.
Sandy

[pjplibra]

August 25, 2004

Thank each and everyone for you posting a reply. It helps sooo much to login to rr and have responses - insights. Becky B - yes I do think about my own addictions.. I think I definitly have the potential to become a full blown alcoholic but I strongly feel I can control it by not associating with drinkers. When I am home alone, I have no desire for alcohol... none. Never crave a drink. It seems to spin out when I go to a bar and hook up with another person (male or female) or if I'm with Tony (took care of that one...SAD). I can go to a bar and drink 1 or maybe 3 drinks and get sick of it and leave.
Paulie love the definition of insanity. Makes sense...I have been doing the same thing over and over and over for a year and a half now with Tony. Oh, I love the Kumbaya !!!
Bikewrench... yes I think I have hit 'bottom'.. funny but I started feeling about a year ago that I was in for a 'big' change in my life... boy have I!
anna...yes, seems like the end..but I will strive forward, somehow. I am going to try, try, try...
Sandy Marie: Yes it is hard but with the help of all you wonderful women,, I can hopefully make it.

THANK you ALL!!! It helps sooooo much. Today is another day
PJ

[bikewench]

Today is another day

That's right.

A new day.. and a new way.

Stay true to yourself gurl... and may your Higher Power show you the easy path. ;o)

[bubblze30]

"quote " I think I definitly have the potential to become a full blown alcoholic but I strongly feel I can control it"

I think you need to carefully look at this quote you wrote and go back to your first thread and ask yourself if you are an alcoholic. Sorry so harsh but this is your life we are talking about, and you are worth it. Right? When I finally descided to get clean this time around I descided to do it alone. Being with a man all my life(since 16) it was very scary. I had never even paid a bill never mind living alone. It wasn't easy all my friends used as well so I was totally alone with me by myself. Yes, I had my daughter but I am sure you understand what I mean by alone. No adults around at all. Today, over three years later I am still alone(man wise), but I have some great women friends in here and in my womens group and recovery skills group as well. I also have aquaintences I see in the halls(meetings) and outside. What I do want to tell you is it was not easy but if I had to do it all over again I would chose to be alone. I had a chance to get to know myself. To learn how to live without drugs and alcohol. I am now a good mother who is always here for her not pasted out from the night before. I am in an appartment and up to date on my rent. Yes times are hard but I am clean and I learned I can make it on my own. I am here to tell you you can do it to. However admitting we have a probem is the first step. Cousling has helped me a great deal too.

[2Sunshine]

PJ,

Prayers are granted, but it seems as if you have enough courage and insight in you now for the persistence, determination and care that is going to take to stick to your guns on this on.

The feeling of well-being is to instuck us on how it is supposed to be. LEt it continue to be your guide and all things will be new before you know. Heck, you never know you may finally meet a man that knows how to treat you...the is really possible when we learn how to care for our selves. We actually teach others how to treat us by what we allow them to do to us. That is the reason for the boundaries. It is part of designing the life that you really, really, really, really want for yourself.

This goes for everything our careers, destiny, family and other things. Being content with ourselves goes along way.

Take care.