it aint easy being a parent...

[wastedtime4me]

Hi everyone
I just need somewhere to vent so here goes...
My son just turned 17...I have been worried about him for quite a while..he is a loner..He had been picked on at school for quite a few years..He isnt one to say anything back really..just mostly ignores people..Then last year i started trying to repair our completely messed up relationship..Out of guilt i really didnt punish him if he didnt do what he was suppose to or if i did punish him ..it was the minimim punishment.Like 2 days no puter no video games..i rarely ground for a week...I have always been worried if he got too sad he would do something harmfull to himself ..long story short here...
He got his first G/f last december..The only time he goes ANYWHERE is with her and that isnt even very often because he doesnt have a job yet...he has just recently been putting in apps..So he is a good kid..not into drugs or stealing from me ..We went through a rough period when i got busted smoking pot and he tried talking down to me ..But i put a stop to that ..once i came to my senses thanks to you guys here and put a stop to that...
He is a lazy when it comes to doing work around here because basically i dont enforce any punishment..both of my kids have alist of things they are suppose to do and rotate doing daily..I told him if you want money ask me in advance and i will create an extra job for you to get extra money..Well he didnt!!.When he asked me for a couple of bucks2 hours before time to go to the fair with g/f..I said i didnt have it and i really didnt have any money...I know this is the first step to making him take responsibility for himself..yet i feel absolutely terrible!!!!!!He is TRYING to get a job!!! .I asked my husband he said we had alot of bills going out and couldnt give it to him...I have been reading about codependancy...I am so there!!!!!!!! I know the only way out is to stop the behavior...In my mind i hear its only 10 or 20 bucks yet i know its more than that...I find myself ##$%^& in my head all the time how i feel everyone takes me granted..well i know its up to me to make it stop!!!! I have been really fighting going into that dark hole again lately with all i have...today i woke up feeling iffy but not as bad as i had been...then when i let him walk out the door with no cash..i just felt a massive sinking feeling i cant shake!!!!! I am actually having thoughts of going to this fair and finding him to give him money .is that crazy or what????

[bubblze30]

I am not in the same situation however I am in a situation with my daughter. I feel guilty because I rarely punish her and I have to start putting my foot down which I have starting yesterdayu. Now I feel guilty about it and am beating myself up. So yes parenting is so hard. In any situation. I am not sure you should give in this may only tell him what it tells my daughter all the time that we will always cave in...

[wastedtime4me]

Thanks bubblze
I still feel bad but i didnt go to the fair to give him money...
So thats a good thing ...He did do his reg chores this week though..I let them off easy during the summer...I dont really stick to the list too much!! I am the one that usualy ends up doing all the work..It has been rough this past week on me mentally..I told both of them its almost time to go back to school and i feel like a slave...so the chore list goes back into affect as well..so they have been doing it this past week..We dont give them a reg allowance..My daughter never asks for money..My son only started since he started seeing this girl..i have not given him any without having him do an extra chore...so i have stuck to that...This is the first time he has walked outta here with nothing!!!
I am sorry to hear you and your girl got into a spat as well bubblze...I agree with you though..if we dont stand our ground it only gets worse!!! When me and my daughter fight it hits me real hard cause we are so close..I always tell her though..I am always here for you but i am your mom FIRST!!! I hope your evening gets better...

[In memory of miracle]

No thats not crazy its your child ! I know I overcompensate alot with my kids because of my guilt and when I enforce rules or boundries it feels strange ! Every time I take a step foward and do something different it feels strange lol , but the pay offs in self esteem are worth feeling strange for awhile .Our kids will only benefit in the long run from learning a sense of responsebility.. ( I am also learning ) It takes time and I believe if I stay sober everything else will work out . Keep the faith ! Trish

[zoomer]

((((((((((Wt4M)))))))), my 18 year old hates me right now because I'v put my foot down. I too felt so guilty for not forking over money (which I did so many times) for the mall every day. Long story,but kids will bleed you dry if ya let them and I'v let them for many years because of lots of guilt trips. It's hard being a parent,it's hard being a woman it's hard to be in recovery. I just talked to my 17 year old today. My 18year old told me my 17 year old hated me. I asked him and he said no way! He's coming down to visit next week. I can't wait to see him and spoil him! Will I give him cash, no way! LOL, he is into partying! Besides he has his own job and pays rent... I think he deserves to be a kid again after all he has been through in the past year. It's hard growing up too.

[wastedtime4me]

Well he had a good time for the most part..he wasnt even mad about not getting any money..it was all in my head.. as usual!!!
Something that does still bother me though..He went with his g/f and i found out when he came back that her mom went and her sis...So her mom paid for his eats and such...That makes me feel bad!!! I am just gonna take some money over there today and tell her thanks for making sure he ate..She is a single parent and cant afford to be doing that!!!
I have gone out to dinner with her mom and to a picnic/grad party..i really like her ...This may sound childish but i am feeling it and need to get it out!!
My son and this girl have been dating for soon to be 8 months..i have met her mom quite a few times like isaid spent a few hours with her on a few occasions..she is funny ,down to earth..She seems like a frwd honest person!!
She works hard to take care of her girls all by herself..She seemed to enjoy talkin to me..I am hurt that i wasnt invited to go last nite..I thought it was just my son and his g/f..They have gone to the movies with her and girlfriends sis..Once they even took my daughter but i am never invited...They know about my drug use..This i am sure of...My son told me that he talked to his g/f about it all ..Her and her mom are VERY close so i know she knows..In my head i am wondering if maybe thats why they dont invite me to go anywhere with them!!! I had 2 friends other than my sis..when i was actively using when i stopped i saw them for who they really are..now i go nowhere most days..I would rather not be around people that arent for real!!!! This may sound petty to some but im not erasing it ..I really needed to get it out somewhere...

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((((WT4M))))))))))), Ugh, my son will do anything to make people feel sorry for his ass. I'v learned to just ignor it. It's my son's right to provoke symathy from people. LOL, he broke up with his girlfriend and now they don't speak. I kind of kept out of it all excpet to tell my son to wear a rubber if he was going to go dancing. Anyway, I did pay for lots of dates for my son and his girlfriend to go on! Then I decided that I'm not dating his girlfriend, so I'm not providing the entertainment. I also had not guilt feelings letting her parents pay for outings as well. My son was not married to this girl,so it's dutch until either one of them got a job. But romances come and go in youth and me personally am not getting too involved until an engagment comes around.

[bubblze30]

Maybe they think you are to busy. I suggest you ask your son first. See what he says. Maybe they did ask if you would come and your son said you were busy. What I wouldn't do is put things in your head. There could be hundreds of reasons why. We seem to always think the worst. If she is as down to earth as you said she is she would not hold being an addict against you. Maybe ask your son why your never invited saying you would maybe like to join sometimes like his girlfriends mom. See what he says. Don't jump to conclusions though. Your a great person and friend so its not you don't worry. May be something very trivial.

[wastedtime4me]

You are probably right bubblze..i am letting the voices in my head lead me around...{{{{zoomer}}}Thanks for chiming in as well...I dont pay for their dates...LOL...I knew once istarted that it would never end!! I have created jobs for him to make money so he could take her out though!!
I dont normally get involved with the kids friends parents either...This is my sons first g/f..I am just lonely i guess...Feelin sowwy fer my self...I'll get over it...I have asked my son why iwasnt invited to the movies with them before..he gave me some lame excuse i didnt think you wanted to go..So i just backed off!! Its not that i want to be up all in his business with his relationships i just wonder why they all go and dont invite me...
I am a good listener .I dont interupt people when they are speaking..I dont momnopolize the entire visit with convo all about myself..I just dont understand what it is about me ...Oh well just have some more work to do on myself i guess...Thanks for reaching out to me today girls{{{{{{{bighugs}}}}}]]

[bubblze30]

Have you thought about making plans for you all to meet at the movies or maybe out to eat dutch treat. Unless you can afford it otherwise. Just make it like you would like to get to know his g/f and her mom a bit better. Or how about a cook out at your house. I'm not sure but its a few options to get to know them better and so they can get to know you better and like you for you. I am sure she would be a great friend to you. Your a great person and she will see it.

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{bubblze}}}}}}}}}}] thanks...those are some good ideas,...

[bubblze30]

Hope it all works out. You are a great friend. I couldn't imagine anything less then a friendship from her.

[wastedtime4me]

Now its my turn to sat ..aaawwwww thanks

[ButterflyChaser]

((((((((((((((((((((((wt4m)))))))))))))))))))))) I hope everything works out for you!

[bubblze30]

OK parenting again. I finally descided to let my daughter outside for a couple hours. I don't like the neighborhood but she has a few friends here. I told her it depends on her behavior and of course she was rude and disrespectful again. So I took it away. Then last night I descided to talk to her differently. I talked calm and told her how I feel when she talks to me like that. How I feel when she disrespects me. So we talked and then I told her if (when she wakes up) she cleans up all her messes and is good in the morning I would let her out on a trial basis. If good I will let her out a little longer. However it is on a behavior basis. If not good she don't go out period. If she does not do her chores she does not go out. Now I am not sure if I wil;l let her out that often because I hear her and her friends talking about the boys around the area and I remember being nine(you show me your I will show you mine) and sneaking next door to my boyfriends house and holding hands still alitte afraid to kiss but eventually did. Arg I am so scared.

[zoomer]

I always found what worked for me is to limit exspectations of my children. My one ADHD could not go that long without some sort of behaior modification (bribes). I'd sometimes take it minute by minute or thing by thing instead of clumping them all together. I did the same with homework. I'd let her sit down for a little while,then get up,tehn sit down again... With my 8 year old, I do it problem by problem. If she does one problem, I give her like a penny or a skittle or a clap. Also, LOL, I always remember not to cut off my nose dispite my face meaning... I wanted my child to go out and play for the simple reason to get her away from me so I could have some peace! LOL. My young kids 7 and 8 are not aloud out of the yard without me! When they are a little older, I'll let go a little further,but I feel more comfortable knowing they are right in calling distance. Too which is a good idea. They have walky talkys that are not too exspencive to keep track of your girl and tell her she can not go out of range or she is in trouble! Too, I'v always tried to get the kids to play at my house or a house that I could trust and always make contact to and from that house by phone. Just suggestions so that hopefully will free you up as well!

[wastedtime4me]

How did it go today bubblze??? Good for you on trying to do things differently and stickin to your guns as well...It isnt easy..sometimes we feel the bad mom if we dont give em what they want... but when we give them too much then WE pay the price..I know you are a good momma ...

[bubblze30]

Yes I let her outside and she did well. So I gave her another chance today. She gave me a bit of a problem cleaning up properly however when I told her she did the things. I wish I didn't have to tell her tiwce but shes a child for crying out loud. She has to check in every thirty minutes. I am so scared because I remember being her age.

[wastedtime4me]

When we first hold these lil precious loves in our arms ..We have no idea really do we???LOL
Im glad to hear she is aloud out again today...You probably need some time away when she outside as well...My kids are home all day long this summer...Except for my son he goes in the afternoon occasionally with his g/f..I am looking frwd to having my days to myself again..Next week school is back in session here!!!!