Well I ever get tired of the madness?

[pjplibra]

I'mmmm back... and guess what??? I've been very, very, self-destructive.... I woke with tears as I key in this with tears. I feel so alone and lost.. I am so sick of it all. The repo guy got my car 2 days ago. I knew for months it would happen but I am taken aback just the same. I feel trapped - not only with foot power as my only transportation but trapped in me!!! I am so totally disgusted with me... what the H??? is wrong with me? Have I gone totally mad???

I have been seeing that A@sH*&^ bf again. Why?? Is it because I get lonely and he takes me somewhere? Maybe... BUT, all we do is drink and smoke pot and get that happy happy way and life seems so so good at those times... but I awake and realize that it is no way to have a relationship. I get sad and angry. Angry at me - angry at him. I even find that he doesn't 'turn me on' as much or maybe never did. I can only 'do it' if I am smashed. And most of the time, well, how do I put it? His performance is not that 'great'??? Know what I mean? So, let's face it - the relationship is based on addiction. Everyday I think of this. Of us. Usually I am disgusted with myself for joining in with him. Or, the other day for example, he stayed over and I wanted some time alone to do 'stuff'. He says he is caulking a window and will call me in an hour. 3 hours go by and he shows up... drunk. Buddies came over and they drank and stood in his garage listening to music and bullshitting. Then, what do we do? Go to another buddies house and drink, listen to music and bullshit and smoke. We laugh, I am happy (?)

I am very, very, depressed. This issue consumes me! He came over yesterday and I'll give you all one guess what we did. Went to 2 bars, drank and drank, laughed, played pool, darts and then came here and I passed out. He left before I awoke and called me about 3:00 pm. Wanted to take me to the fair... I felt sad and said tearfully I would call him back in a few minutes. He shows up and asks if I am okay. I say no I am not. He asks if I want a rum and coke. I say no as he makes himself one. Then two. Then we begin to talk and he says he doesn't know what to do for me. He asks if we are a couple or not. I don't answer. I know I participate with him ... am I the one who is wrong? Or is it both of us or what??????

I say I feel very bad and cry. He says 'it's all you!' I say there you are driniking again... he says 'you go to bars all the time'. And I swear I haven't been.... he says 'wa wa cry cry' that 's all you do.. I yell at him and tell him to take his bottle of rum and leave and I slam the door.

Now, I wonder where he is - what he is doing - is he with another woman? He won't answer my calls... maybe he isn't there, maybe he is with another woman... I have no car so he can't get caught.

Does anyone understand what I am going through? Please someone help me.... I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!! :banghead:

[51anna]

Hi Pipi,

I understand totally your feelings of disappointment and anger towards yourself. I remember desparately wanting to get away from myself because I hated who I had become. I used to have a recurring dream that I was running away, and finally one night I turned around to see who I was running from, and it was me. I felt so discouraged. And, my world had become so small because of alcohol. I had given up activities, friends, so much, and I didn't think I could ever enjoy anything again. BUT, I do! And, you can too.

Take a step out of the addiction and see that things can be so much better. Your relationship with your b/f is, as you say, based on addiction. I think you deserve more than that in a relationship.

Take a small step and be kind to yourself and don't drink today. Hang around and get to know us.

Love, Anna

[KelKel]

Hi and welcome...
There is alot of support and understanding around here.
There is also alot of information about addiction.

please read and post, ask questions...

I have to tell you that if you want to get sober, you are probably going to have to get out of your relationship...
You need to take care of you.

Here is the address and phone # for AA in your area...
MANSFIELD AREA INTERGROUP
P.O. BOX 5231
MANSFIELD OH 44901
419 522-4800

You are going to need all the support you can find to get through this.
Once again, welcome and glad you are here.

[CarrieSueBee]

HI PJPLibra,
I read your post and rememberd some of my past relationships....wow, so many were based on the activity of drinking. Even with my husband, when we first got together, drinking was our only hobby! That HAD to change!

Girl, you gotta save yourself first...only then could you think about being supportive for someone else IF they choose to ditch their habit. It is the habit of hanging out, doin' "nothin'" that leads to the drinking and smoking. One of the best things I ever had to learn (and the hardest) was that even if you love someone, it doesn't mean you are good for eachother and it certainly doesn't mean you need to spend the rest of your lives together.
This guy sounded kinda sweet the way you wrote about him. I mean, he actually wanted to take you to the fair. AND when he called and you didn't sound all right, he came over. Jeesh, some boyfriends would go to the fair to hit on chicks, call you at 2am for a bootie call and then when you didn;t sound right, just disappear for 3 weeks.
HOWEVER, He just doesn't know how to help you right now. So he can't. So you can't really be around him if you want to recover. I'm not saying you should be with or without him - - for good. Only YOU will be able to make that choice...later. Right now, get to a safe person - someone who is sober and knows how to stay sober and knows how to help you stay sober.

It is a long and winding road, this recovery thing. Some take detours off the main road, but as long as you return, you have another chance.

And remember, if you want this sobriety, you can have it. :-) Love and peace, Sue Bee

[pjplibra]

Thank you all for responding.... yes I need to rid myself of him and other addicts. CarrieSueBee it is sort of comforting???? that you fell into the fact that he wanted to take me to the fair.... but I confess I went for a walk to buy some smokes (please , one addiction at a time! k?) and I then popped into a neighborhood bar and ran into not one, but two buddies of Tony BF and they told me he not only drinks constantly but snorts coke all the time... funny, I've asked him and he denies it... my brother told me he did and all my friends . I am ready to change... I was thinking when I was walking... 'what can I do to get off this ride??? I thought of articles I want to write of things I want to make... I KNOW I CAN DO IT.... I have so many things I REALLY want to do.... pray for me... he is no good .... I need to love myself again...

What happened? How did I get caught by this man?

[bubblze30]

I just read your post and I swear I wrote it about nine yrs ago. It was my life all of it. Every word you wrote. He is not going to change. He is not going to quit drinking or smoking. He puts it all on you when in fact he is fifty percent of the problem. It will not be easy. I will not sugar coat. It will be very hard and lonely in the begining. You can not change you if you stay in this circle of bs. The longer you stay in the worse and harder it will be to get out. The sooner you let him go the sooner you will be able to work on you inside. Your focus is totally him,him,him with no room for you. Then when he leaves he consumes your thought of "where is he" "who's he with" and hence takes control of your thoughts yet again. When you finally let him go you will (I guarentee) be better off. Its not an easy descision; I know. It will not be an easy job to do. When we have to look at our selves and work on ourselves the tables shift in a way we don't want them to. I believe this is why you are struggling other then fear of loneliness. You are scared to death of looking at and working on yourself. I am here to tell you it is possible and you will be much happier when you finally do. I pray you make the right descision and soon before it gets even more out of control.

[pjplibra]

Thank you

[Boots]

Hi Pjplibra,
I can really relate to what you are going through.
You can close the door. The key is to not open it again...One day at a time. He will not fall off the face of the earth while you are taking care of yourself. I used to think that. Oh my God, what is he doing while I'm trying to get myself straight? Doesn't matter. Number one is to get clean and clear some of the cobwebs out of your head. Can you do it alone? If not, can you go somewhere to detox? Get to a meeting. Open that door. Take a break from the people, places and things that lead to drinking. I can't hang around my drinking friends or frequent areas near my favorite spots. Get some support from sober people. Soon you won't miss the using friends. It all becomes more clear as we move away from our "triggers." But, don't isolate. Bad idea. Spill your guts out to sober people that you trust.
I'm 49 and a widow of 5 years. I've put myself in some slippery spots looking for someone to be with. Was with a 32 year old (!!!) that drank and did coke. I had to shut the door and move on. And who put him on a pedestal? I did. We all came into this world the same way with almost the same equipment! Do I regret stopping that crazy relationship with that wonderful (?) guy? Not for a minute. But, I had to do it one day at a time.
HALT? Hungry? eat something healthy. Angry? vent, but don't be a martyr. Lonely? Go to a meeting and keep yourself busy. Tired? Take a hot bath, with candles and relax and get what sleep you can. you'll get more if you don't obsess over him. Keep moving...clean your place(for you), change the scenery(rearrange it so it isn't the same), get on here and write, get to a library and find something you Want to read. Don't pick up a drink. At the end of day one you can smile at yourself in the mirror because Just for today, you made it! It gets easier.
Find a mantra...anything that keeps you positive. "I will make it, today." Read any AA material that you have. I said the "Our Father" everytime I wanted to drink. Some days I said it every 10 minutes. It worked. And breathe...deep. Shallow breathing makes us anxious.
Take care of YOU.
You are in my prayers.
Marjean

[dragonlady]

****, girl I know exactly where your at!!I'm in a very similar situation. I haven't used my DONC sense my bd (aug.3) but I did smoke a joint on monday, I think. They had just cut off our electric. But I decided :banghead: I just didn't want anymore! I just sent him off to smoke his last joint, he kept trying to get me to join him but I have no desire. Good luck girl, maybe will make it through this with the help of these ladies.

[pjplibra]

Ok: damn, I keep thinking so much it is driving me crazy. I hate my life... unemployed, depressed, drinking doesn't help, BUT I just told Tony that I am done, done done. I told him that I know I have a problem too with drinking but at least I never drink at home. At least when I go to a bar I drink and leave and stop.. and don't drink at home. I told him I am quiting but I know he will never quit ever. I told him that in his warped mind he has decided that drinking at home and friends houses makes it ok. I asked him 'what makes you so much better than me when in the 1 1/2 yrs we've known eachother I have Never ever ever seen him not drink for one day? He responded "It is cheaper". I said "And that my dear is such a sad belief" So I said 'I'm done" and hung up. I am now crying... and of course I just watched some crazy love story movie with a happy ending.

I realize this is a very down time for me. I am 49. I got married at age 16 - lasted for 7 years. then 14 years. I have a daughter, 33, a son, 30 tomorrow and another son, 20 on the 22nd. I have 5 grandchildren but feel so isolated.

What are my issues, I asked myself: Lost job in May, (at least get unemployment) - I was making 47,000 which is fantastic in my city. Never will happen again here.. maybe move next spring. So, lost job... repo guy took car... closed door on bad relationship AND I want to quit drinking (so far just diet coke today). How can I deal with it all???? I need to buy stamps, groceries, cigarrettes... long walk. None of my friends bother to check on me... since I have quit meeting them for drinks (I did stop that part months ago....I've been gradually getting to the sober thing over the past year)...

Just feeling very very sad and bad bad bad. I'm so tired of crying.. I know Tony would make a moment, day happy - BUT then after the drinking madness this will all still be here... going to be hard to not contact him.... need a divirsion.

PJ

[51anna]

You are absolutely right PJ, Tony is not the answer. A momentary diversion is not what you need. I didn't drink until age 45, then drank for a few years and have been sober for a few years now. Up till age 45, my time was devoted totally to my children, husband, job, frequent moves. I completely lost myself and I truly believed if I stopped drinking there'd be nothing left. What happened though, was that my world began to open up to me. When I drank, that was the focus of my day, and gradually everything else fell by the wayside. I guess what I'm saying is, you'd be surprised how great life can be without alcohol.

Lots of us addicts lose 'friends' when we change our habits. I spend more time with myself now and really enjoy it. Maybe losing your job and looking for a new one will turn out to be a positive thing. Maybe moving would be a positive thing too. You never know!

As the song goes 'Breaking Up is Hard To Do' and I guess time will help. In the meantime do something nice for yourself this weekend. Hang in there PJ, things will get better.

Love, Anna

[Boots]

Hi Woman!
Hey a move in the right direction! Cool! Nobody says you have to move too fast...just keep moving in the right direction. No job? No car? Are you making enough to live? Take baby steps I was making $22.00 an hour...got laid-off. Got pulled over for an invalid license (didn't keep up my SR-22). I live smack-dab between the police station and the county jail. Couldn't even think about driving my car til I went to court. I was newly sober living with an ACTIVE alcoholic husband. Believe me I would have been better off alone at that time. He wouldn't leave and I couldn't afford to. Got a job for $9. an hour and took a cab or walked when the weather was okay. Eventually found someone that would pick me up. Take the first step. What do you need right now to stay sober? Other sober people? A meeting? Check out your AA hotline? It's a cool tool. Everything will fall into place, when you do the next right thing. The 12 promises start a lot sooner than we think they will. Are you checking out the other forums...relationships, co-dependency?
We are alone until we reach out for others.
Sleep tight.
Boots