Accept? Or not?

[JennieB]

Ok...I need some advice.
I'm in some substantial debt: $16,000.00 Credit Card, $22,000.00 Cars $3000.00 Loans...well you get the idea.
I shared about it in the meeting last night about once I started to meditate again, I've gained some kind of acceptance and kinda of peace about being in debt. I'm doing what I can..granted it's only the minimum on the cards...but...I'm doing it and there is nothing else I can do. I've just started a debt consoliation program which isn't in effect yet. My monthly income after bills are paid is -300.00. Yeah - negative. Hopefully debt consolidation will help eleviate with that.
I have a hard time asking for help and accepting money from others like most of us. Call it German, Pride, Alcoholic...I think it's a combo of all 3.
A good friend of mine...yes a man... approached me, pulled me aside and said he owns his own company, has millions and wants to geniunly help me out because he sees that I am a decent person, working a program and in need of help. I told him I couldn't accept whatever he had in his hand. Call it pride..I don't know. He said I don't have to tell anyone. He's doing it for him. If I needed more to let him know.(lol) Reluctantly I took what he had in his hand and very appreciately said thank you...many times...not knowing what I was holding. Got back to my car and drove down the road a bit. It was $1000.00 cash!
I feel we as alcoholics have a genuine concern to help each other. I feel this
guy is genuine. My sponsor has never been in debt so can't really guide me. though she did say if i give it back I'll have a halo so bright, but yet it could be a turn on for him. I don't want to give it back. So..do i keep it and tell my boyfriend? Or do I return and not say anything?
HELP!!! All suggestions welcome!! lol

[Rowan]

Hi Jennie
What a coincidence that you posted this. I read an online advice column in Toronto every morning, and today's column dealt with this very situation, but in reverse: the lady who offered the money to a male friend was turned down despite offering the money with 'no strings attached'. The columnist wisely suggested that the strings in this case, for you, might be humiliation and indebtedness. Look into the future, if you can. Is it not possible you might feel indebted to this person because of their generosity? Could it be possible he's looking for a little something with you, and he feels this is the way to get it? One thing that troubles me is that you would keep this from your boyfriend, and that suggests to me that you might know that accepting the money is not wise. Short term, it might help you financially, but I feel you really need to look beyond the here and now. You got yourself into debt, it's your responsibility to get yourself out. That's just my take on it.
God Bless
Love Rowan

[JennieB]

Thanks Rowan, I appreciate your insight. I was not going to keep it and NOT tell my boyfriend. I believe in 100% communication and honesty in relationships. It was either take it and tell b/f or not take it. with that said, I guess I should talk to my man about it and see what he thinks. I think he'll probably not like me keeping it. But...it sure would help me out. BIG TIME
That is a good point about me feeling like i'd have to be his friend forever, or indebtedness. (Is that a word...LOL)
i guess a part of me says....yes i got myself into debt. yes i need to get out..by myself. but then the other part says...by accepting the gift would help me with my defects...the pride and lack of allowing someone to help me defects. that is why i'm torn between accepting or not.
Like i said before - i think he is a genuine guy and seriously not looking for ANYTHING from me. Just friends. He's a much older guy.
I'd still like more input. anyone??
Love and thanks Jennie

[Rowan]

I still think indebtedness is a word - or it should be! lol

and ya know .. thinking of it more, if i were in your situation, i wonder if i wouldn't take the money myself. hard to see clearly when i'm in a good position myself financially. hmmm

[JennieB]

I saw this friend at a meeting last night and told him I didn't know how to feel about it. He explained to me how he wants to help. He's helped other people before with substantial amount of money (like purchasing a business for a friend!) Truly no strings attached. So...I'm going to keep it and pay off Sears and Kohls card! Then I only have 4 cards left = about 15,000.00 I have taken into consideration that it is a man and will not get close to him or go out for coffee or anything like that. Just in case. I will just see him at the meetings. The first sign of seeing strings I will cut him loose as a friend (though I still doubt he'll make any kind of moves on me). But I'm taking all precautions. And, I talked to my man last night about it. I said that a guy friend in the program offered me $1000 to help me with my debt with no strings attached..how do you feel about it? His reply "I don't know. I probably wouldn't be able to take it and not pay him back. It's up to you." He also asked how old this guy was. And that was it! No more questions - no attitude - no jealousy. Nothing.
Boy - it is great being sober and being able to be honest and not lie to my boyfriend. I am really grateful for AA. And not because of friends with money. But to truly work a program and to have a conscious and to be able to accept help in all aspects of life.
Thank you again Rowan!!

[bubblze30]

I think you discussing it with your s/o is a good thing. Also keeping your guy friend only on a see ya at meeetings relationship is also great. He has told you he helped a number of people so you are not singled out. This may be a part of this mans recovery. Although its material it may be something he feels he has to do in his recovery. What I think you should do is keep it. However making anoteto tell this guy friend that you have every intention on paying him back. Although it may not be for yrs to come you do wish to pay him back for his generousity. This also should lift the feeling of guilt and embarrassment on your part. I too have a hard time asking for help. I had to ask a friend for a ride and I cried because I had to ask. I know, I know to much emotion but I hate having to depend on anyone. Knowing someday when you get your feet back on the ground pay him back. I would however accept it graciously and pay off them bills. At least a little. I sometimes dream of someone helping me. I am not so lucky. Be greatful you have such a friend. Everything happens for a reason. I believe he was put in your life for a reason.

[Rowan]

Hi Jennie
I'm so glad you discussed it with your b/f and that you were open and honest with your friend in recovery. And yes, it feels good to tell the truth and not have secrets, doesn't it? I too, am grateful to AA. It has changed my life immeasurably.
God Bless and talk to you soon.
Much love
Rowan