Insecure!!!!!! :(

[ButterflyChaser]

Thank goodness I can post my insecure feelings here, cuz that way I don't have to face anyone in person! lol
Well, I'm a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been crying for days now, moving & getting situated takes a toll on you & the fact I have to work everyday & my 6 yr old comes to work w/me everyday, it's fun but also hard to focus at work. Besides all this....I'm getting those feelings of insecurity from my bf, remember me telling you all about him, well, yes we had an awsome time when I went up to visit him those 9 GREAT days, but now , well I guess you all were right, thinks (i'm feeling) are not going to change. He's having his crappy attitude w/me again, especially when I'm feeling down, feeling scared, he's not supportive to my feelings, he says he's sorry that he doesn't know how to be supportive thousands of miles away, well I don't agree to that comment. Saying the right words can be very suppostive. I don't know ya'll, I am still doing all the work around here, all the pressure is on me! I'm having doubts that things will be "ok" w/us when he gets home.....can 2 people who have been in a verbal, physical abusive relationship start all over again, have a fresh start?without the chemicals involved???
I wonder? will we do things together like I've always wanted? as normal couples do? I don't know what I am trying to say or let out, I'm full of fear & feeling vunerable right now. I've been taken for granted before & still feel I could be, I'm nieve & don't want to be!
I love you guys & feel good that I can always count on you all to cheer me up! :wink2:

[zoomer]

BF ((((((((((((((huggys)))))))))))))) if you are serious about staying together, then I would think you would need couples counsling as well as individual. Me, if a guy hits me, I'm out of there! No second chances with me!

[ButterflyChaser]

thanks Zoomer, ya know, I got to thinking & I bet everyone here is about sick of hearing me talk about him!!!! Boy do i feel silly! lol
Ya know, I know what I NEED to do, what my heart tells me, it's the "DOING IT" that is soo hard to do!!
Thanks

[zoomer]

BF, I cannot speak for everyone els. I never get tired from hearing from you! I'm sad about it because your such a specail person and I think your guy is an ass bag,but that's just my oppinion. You know I still love you! It's always our choice BF! I'm always here or at my e-mail or phone,just don't exspect me to agree with you LOL ((((((((huggys))))))))

[ButterflyChaser]

zoomer, I liked the word you used, "ass bag"

[zoomer]

I can think of more,ya want to hear them? LOL!!!

[dragonlady]

I know some of what your talking about BF, I've been with my husband 15 years and the only time we half way get along is when we're on drugs! I am so ******* sick of argueing EVERY day about whos right and whos wrong, who sould do this or that or who should change! I don't have any advice but to say you are not alone!! I want to get help for myself and my family but he doesn't think anyone needs help but me. Now that we're trying to stay clean, the fights are worse! Luckily he doesn't hit me except in self defence, . Unfortunitly I'm the abuser in that fashion. If he pisses me off and pushes me too far I'm likely to beat the **** out off him. I havent hit him in awhile so I think I'm getting better in that aspect. Cognitave therapy in rehab helped me with that. He's more of and emotional abuser. But anyway, good luck! I wish you the best!

[Rowan]

Yeah assbag had me rolling on the floor too!

Butterfly I can identify with your feelings of insecurity, and your attempts to make a go of a relationship despite what the odds are of it working. And that's not to say it can't or won't work - if you both decide you want it bad enough, it can happen. That's my opinion, anyway. However, in any relationship, I don't believe that one person should be working harder than the other - be it husb/wife, bf/gf/ friend/friend, sponsor/sponsee, etc. If you're the one doing all the reflecting and work and self-improvement, well, where does that REALLY leave you? I've learned that we will listen to all the advice in the world but in the end still do what we want to do. That's me anyway! I hope you're smarter than me.
From what I've seen of you in here, you're a wonderful person, compassionate and kind. Try to extend that kindness to yourself. The answer will come. Keep praying my friend and God Bless.
Love Rowan

p.s. assbag .. lol

[ButterflyChaser]

Yes Zoomer, i want to hear them all! lol I need a good laugh!! lol

Thanks Dragonlady & Rowan, your words mean alot to me!!!
Hey Dragonlady, I never met any women who is the "abuser" in the relationship!!! How facinating! lol (crazy huh?) Do you really beat the crap outta him? lol I don't mean to laugh, but it just sounds kinda funny! Wish I had it in me sometimes! Only my BIG mouth has gotten me in trouble! lol
But I hope everything works out for you both! I know it's hard, beleive me, especially when they are telling US that we need help! Geeez!!
Thanks for being there for me, it means ALOT to me! You have no idea!
BTW...I live in Texas too! lol

Rowan, thanks for your kind words too!!! I need all the support I can get right now!

He's been calling me all day today as he ususally does, but I haven't answered, and that's not like me! He's even left messages on my voice mail w/certain songs he's dedicated to me, he somehow must know that I am Pissed at him, but I sick of chasing him or kissing his butt, I mean why the hell am i kissing his butt?? Shouldn't it be the other way around? lol
I was always there for him! ALWAYS!! when he was in jail, i made sure he had $$$, letters, pics you name it! not that I expect anything in return, but hell, him having arespect for my FEELINGS would be fine enough! I'm hurt, & broken...have ya'll heard of the song by SEETHER..."Broken" ? I love it!!!
But that's how I feel about him! I can't set myself up anymore!! I just can't & why does this hurt? I need a support group, in fact I'm calling an NA meeting around where I live right now! Gotta go! don't wanna fall bCK INTO MY DEPRESSTION!!! (((((((((((((((((all ya'll)))))))))))))))))

[Rowan]

Good girl get urself to a meeting.

I used to beat up my s/o -- years ago. I wasn't even drinking. Well, I drank, but wasn't under the influence at the time. First time in my life I was violent. We were
the same height/weight so it was a fair fight; he always managed to get a few punches in .. I lived in shame for years over it .. now that we been split for 8 years I wish I could get a jab in here, a punch there, ya know? lol well maybe not

[zoomer]

Well now, my ex would hit me,drag me by the hair and tourcher me. One day I had enough. He came and humiliated me infront of about 40 people and was dragging me across the parking lot. Because someone has slipped something in my drink, I snapped. I hit for all it was worth. After he knocked me out and the rest of the night was a friggen night mere,and years later, I am so greatful I got in those few licks. I would have felt more like a victom if I did not. I did feel real bad about it because I was being like him. It's over now anyway and tons of cousling later LOL... I don't feel guilt any more,just guilt of letting it rule my life for so long. Everyday we strive for understanding and peace.

[bubblze30]

Hi butterflychaser, Here comes some honesty. I refuse to sugar coat! Why? because I care. These feelings you are having are all valid. It is truely possible to have a great relationship with someone you have had a relationship with and it did not work the first time. The thing is there needs to be alot of changing going on. I honestly don't here him changing any. A person can console anyone from thousands of miles away. I also know men sometimes have a hard time consoling us women. However alot of his old ways are still shining through. The way he talks, acts. If you go deep into your heart do you feel he changed or do you feel he changed just for that nine days and when ever he pisses you off...? You must really sit down with you and think long and hard. Also what zoomer said ask him if he would do couples counceling. If the answer is we don't need couples councling then you both are on two different pages. In order for an unhealthy relationship to turn into a healthy one there needs to be a lot of work done on both parts. Do you feel this happening or are you still trying to fix everything yourself? Are you still doing all the work butter? I say yes. You are trying to make everything the way you want it to be and thats just impossible to do all yourself. He must be willing to work as well. I here alot of his old behaviors still and he needs to work on them. Make sure you are ready for anything if you truely comit. I don't want to see ya hurt again. Know you have friends in here that will help in any way we can. If it does work out or if it doesn't....His words cut like a knife and you deserve someone to hear you out and comfort you through. Not someone who thinks your crazy and someone who needs help. Sometimes men/women will put it all on the other person so not to focus on themselves. Sounds like hes playing the don't give up on me game, however when you finally talk watch what he says and how he says it. Sounds oh so familiar once they get back in the hurtful words and behaviors come back into the relationship again. I care about you but I know you are a women with a mind of her own. So withy that I will pray for you and be here if you need a friend to talk,cry,vent, share happiness or anything with.

Hugs, Terri

[namommy]

BF,

Remember, you are powerless over him. I can't believe this, I was just thinking of this song as I was reading here, and it just came on, "Quartet" by Anderson, Bueford, Wakeman and Howe. One of the lines I love most is "I believe that all your fears will gently fly away....there's a mystery to the touch, how it heals so when we're broken" Go to a meeting, and get a HUG.

My first marriage, he was very abusive, after 3 years I finally got sick of it, he had just had surgery on his ankle, had pins and wires and bolts holding it together, and he hit me with a crutch, I got so pissed, I grabbed the crutch and whacked him as hard as I could and re-broke his ankle.

My second marriage, I swore would not be like the 1st, he did anything I told him to, and I was the abusive one in that.

Then, I got into an even more abusive relationship with a man and after a year of getting beat up all the time (he tried to kill me by setting the bed on fire while I was asleep). I got sick of his sh** too, and he had just gotten his jaw unwired after having it broken, and I hauled off and punched him in the face a re-broke his jaw.

I always go for the weak points.

Anyway, You don't need to tolerate that type of behavior. If he is willing to stop, and you are CERTAIN of it, then you need to understand that he is a man, most are just not capable of being supportive the way we want them to. In there own stupid little ways they are, they just usually go about it in the wrong way at the wrong time. Don't hold it against him, he's a man, he can't help it, he was born defective.

Sh**, Mom's here. gotta go.

I'll be back.

[zoomer]

namommy, I'm laughing at your post! Thank you I needed a smile today! And I promis never to argue with you f2f LOL!!! ROFLMAO

[ButterflyChaser]

lol Rowan you're too funny!!!!!!!

[dragonlady]

hey BF, like Rowan my husband and I are about the same height and were about the same wieght last time we fought (he didn't put up much of a fight) I've lost about 40 lbs. in the last couple of months so I don't think I'll try again!! I love "Broken" but I relate to "F*** it". Thank you for your support, It means a hell of a lot to me, especially today.

[bubblze30]

How is BF today?

[ButterflyChaser]

I'm doing better, thanks for asking! (((((((((((((((((((all my friends)))))))))))))

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((((((bf))))))))))))))))))