Responsibility

[Paulie]

Today in recovery I understand what it means to take responsibility for my actions.

When I was using I took responsibility for nothing, I mean NOTHING, everything was someone elses fault. Today I dont' do that, today, even when I am wrong it feels good to be responsible for it.

Everything I do affects my family, affects the people that are in my life on a daily basis, the people that love me. My kids (soon to be step kids), everything I do affects them. Being a part time mom is really hard, it is hard to switch from just me and my SO to hello 2 kids in the house. Things change so quickly. It is not as hard as being a full time mom, I understand that, but it is difficult in its own way.

What I say affects them, how I say it, the tone in my voice. They pick up on everything. How their father and I speak to each other affects them, it is really kinda scary when I put it out like that but that is how I feel.

Today when I say something that hurts someone else I take responsibility for it. That feels good. I used to be the ultimate victim, I learned that from my mother, she is still that way today, she can be hurtful and then act like nothing happened.

Today it is okay to say I made a mistake or I did something wrong. It is okay to ask for help. None of these things were okay when I was using.

I dont' know why I am sharing all this with you guys today, my life is extremly crazy right now with so much going on, the kids here at all kinds of things, I guess I just wanted to remind myself the influence that I have on others around me and thought I would share it with all of you too.

Sorry for the long post, I get kinda long winded sometimes LOL. Thanks for letting me share.

[51anna]

I think it's facing the consequences of our actions/words. When I was drinking and long before, I never thought about consequences in the 'karmic' sense. I only thought, will this work for me, can I get away with it? I try to remember that every single action/word/thought I have has a consequence. Choosing a positive action opens a door which leads in one direction to many more doors which we can open. Choosing a negative action leads in another direction.

However Paulie, I think brides-to-be are excused from facing the consequences of their words.

Love, Anna

[zoomer]

((((((((huggys P))))))), gee give your self a break girlfriend. I know I try to be perfect,but I'm not and I say things that I regreat and some that I don't. I called my girl a little material bitch yesterday after she attacked me. I regreat I flipped out,but no one I mean no one hits me or bites me! I guess I could get chanrged with child abuse of foul words,but I think 14 years old is onld enough to be charged with assalt. Relax P, your doing a great job. My daugther's st mom and I go t into it and now we are fine. She'll treat my girl much better now and my daughter is teaching a few new things. LOL, she is going to take my daughter to get more holes done in her ears and the st mothr will get a tat of all things. I guess she is kewler than me

[Paulie]

Thanks Anna - I agree LOL - we are on less than a month count down now!!!! I will remember that! .

Zoomer, I don't need to give myself a break. If my words came off heavy that is not really what I meant. I did not mean to make it sound like I watch every word I say, what I meant was it has taught me to think before I speak. Being responsiblie is a gift to me, not a burdon, not something to give myself a break over.

I think back to my childhood and things that were done and said and how they affected me, I take responsiblity for things today, learn from the past.

Consequences, yep today I take them, face them and try and learn from them, another gift.

[In memory of miracle]

I could really identify with what you posted about .It was all about justifiable anger when I was drinking . I spent a long time drinking "at" people and situations and could not see the part I played in things . I was so a part of the problem not the solution . I have found great freedom thru my program and learning about the spiritual axiom " when I am disturbed " it is something within me. Learning to take what I own and instead of trying to change others changing myself and my reactions to people..self searching is not always easy but it is so worth it ..you know it clears that channel that is sometimes chocked with anger. Thanks for your posting ! Arent you married yet ? *lol * Trish

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by miraclen2003

Learning to take what I own and instead of trying to change others changing myself and my reactions to people..self searching is not always easy but it is so worth it ..you know it clears that channel that is sometimes chocked with anger.

I agree!!! Or chocked with fear, resentment all kinds of stuff. Clearing it out is such a release. Thanks, great words.

LOL - nope not yet. Next month!!!!!!!!!

[Iceberg]

I totally understand your situation Zoomer but more from the perspective of your daughter... (and this is no critique of your family I am just sharing experience)

Children do hear and feel everything and worse of all we are their teachers as the adults in their lives. Personally, I do not have any children (yet) but it wasn't that long ago I was a child who grew up in a exceptionally f****d-up family.... all the fighting, name calling and even silence had a profound effect on me and my brother. My parents were soooo not ready to parent yet they did it anyway... their biological right I guess. It took me 36 years to realize they had a right to have children but never had the right to tear us apart emotionally because they hadn't taken care of their own issues. I actually think they might have thought having kids would fix some sort of hole for them. Now they hide behind their mantra "it was so tough raising you." still having done NOTHING to fix their issues.

I must say Zoomer, a 14 year old is still a child, and one who has so much to learn. When I was 14 my hormones were going wacko, I NEVER got along with my mom. I had so little information on how to navigate emotionally through this f****d up world and all I wanted was a little unconditional love, attention, hugs and appreciation for my very small role in the world. I was forced to be an adult on many occasions that were usually tragic and emotionally turbulent...never as a reward for maturity. I now recognize this in my sobriety, because I drank many times to find that same place I was looking for when I was a kid.

[ashley80]

"I now recognize this in my sobriety, because I drank many times to find that same place I was looking for when I was a kid."

Ouch, yes, Iceberg. I can so relate. Thank you for posting that. I need to incorporate that thought into my recovery program.

Ashley

[2stop]

(((((((((((((((Paulie)))))))))))))))))))

[zoomer]

Iceberg, you hit the nail on the head when you say you were not a parent. when you become a bioligical parent you realize that your parents did not have to be perfect because your not. People can feel empathy for a child when they have none of their own,but to stand in an emotional shoe, you really need to be a parent yourself. Pass no judgment on parents until you become one yourself

[zoomer]

And you can drink or use to be a parent and you can become a better parent if you do not drink or use. This is for all the parents out there that people try to make feel guilty for being human. You can become a St parent and be a st parent,but you'll never become a biological parent or an adoptive parent until you do. It's all very simple. As a biological mother I get sick of people passing judgment or oppinions just to make themselves feel better. it's much nicer to reconize each and every thing that is part of a child instead of finding shortcommings just to justify your own feelings or to make yourself feel better. I'm in a bad space right now with my daughter's st mother smirking when I handed my baby over to her father at the airport. I did't deserve it!

[JT]

Paulie...that was a great post. One of the things I have learned in my own recovery is to take a good hard look at myself instead of reacting to what I perceive is coming form those around me.

Each and every day I try to go to bed not regretting something I did that day.

When I got honest with myself, I admitted that I was not the best parent I could have been. I was so caught up in the crazies around me, the alcoholism, my insecurity and my own codependence that I lashed out, even at my child.

Zoomer, today I don't have to worry about who smirks at me. I can look back on each day with pride.

Hugs,
JT

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by JT

One of the things I have learned in my own recovery is to take a good hard look at myself instead of reacting to what I perceive is coming form those around me.

Great post Paulie.
Great addition JT.
Ranting and raving about others and what they have done to me has always been counter productive in my life.
My recovery is based on knowing what I own and letting go of what I don't own.
That isn't always easy, but it's a far cry better from the days when I thought I owned everything and all I could do was stomp my foot and rage about life.
The only responsibility I deal with these days is what comes from me and how it lands in the lives of other people.
If I go to sleep at night knowing that what I was responsible for went out into the world well, it was a very good day.

[Paulie]

Thanks JT. For me it isn't just about parent/child that was just the example that I used. It is about me and people in my life.

Yep- no regrets, that is how I try to live to. Thinking before I speak, before I react. Making amends right away if needed. I learn this stuff in recovery and as so grateful for it.

[JT]

Well said Gabe!

And Paulie...I just have a soft spot for the kids. You know how how I feel about that. They are the ones who don't have any say. The are affected in the same way I was.

For me... waking up each morning with a clear conscience is one of the biggest blessings of this program.

Hugs,
JT

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by JT

For me... waking up each morning with a clear conscience is one of the biggest blessings of this program.

I know you do, I get that totally. And DITTO to the above.

[Iceberg]

Zomer,

I am so sorry if I stepped on your toes...Sometimes I find it hard to know how to react when someone posts something so personal and it hits a cord with me... many appologies if it felt like I was judging you, I certainly did not mean it that way!!!!

I have the utmost respect for your posts and your recovery... please DO NOT for a minute think otherwise. You have been honest and forthright in your posts and for that I am gratefull! You have kept it real with painful honesty, I too want to keep it real even if I am speaking from a different perspective. We all have so much we can learn from one another don't you think?

Peace, Iceberg

[zoomer]

Peace Ice! As I said before, I was in a bad space LOL, don't worry about the other replys Ice, I always get it when I speak whats on my mind. Ice one thing about recovery, you don't have to self flogg yourself every dam day about the past or remind yourself as some people like to do, that they have much to regret. Even in my bad days, I was always a good person and never had to steal lie or cheet except myself. Today in my recovery I don't have to let "anyone" and I do mean anyone think I should be sorry for what I feel. Ice, if you ever become a St. parent work with the other mother and don't put her down or try to steal away her children because it's still sick beahvior even if you are clean

[bubblze30]

Paulie Just read your post and it sound to me a great deal of changing has occured. I hear the growth in your words. See for me in the past if there was no caos I had to cause some. Now I dont get involve or cause caos. You wrote that everything is crazy around you however you sound calm and accepting. Thats huge. I think when you can accept whats going on and take responcibility for it as well is huge. Wheather its something you did or said, heck or even someone did or said. Even staying neutral in the caos instead of joining in. WoW. It just seems to be huge growth. Thats what I hear and feel reading it. It took me years to get into a place like that myself.

[Paulie]

Thank you Bubblze, it is huge growth for me. I know sometimes the words written here can be misunderstood. In no way was I saying that I watch everything I say, or was I even talking only about parenting. I was talking about me and being a responsible adult and taking control of my own life. About not regretting things. If I can get through the day without regretting something I did or said, WOW that is great. Thinking before I speak, huge for me. I used to just say whatever I wanted and if it hurt someone, well heck that was there problem.

I believe that biological parent, adoptive parent, step parent, aunt, uncle, whatever, when you have children in your life that look up to you, that you influence their life in some way, it is your responsibility to influence them in a good way. To treat them with respect. to teach them how to treat you and others with respect.

Thanks again Bubbleze.

[Pony]

Great post Paulie.......

hugs

[ssindi]

Paulie, I wish you the best of luck with your stepkids. Kids are tough but filled with love.

((((((((((((PAULIE))))))))))))