I'm thinking I need to post!!

[bubblze30]

Here goes. Not sure whats been going on with me the past few days. I missed two days of medicine a week ago and think that may be it. I just am not sure. I just got really tired and nauseous and sick feeling. Also depressed and wanting to stay in bed. So for two days I did just that I stayed in bed. I am however scared for the first time in my life I was happy and for more then two weeks straight. Then I get hit with this ickiness. I am depressed and nauseous. I have hepc and am wondering if thats why I am feeling icky but the doc says my levels are only slightly off and well I dunno. I just want my happiness back. Guess I needed to post to hopefully get it outa my head. I feel like this I am fighting myself for happiness.

[splendra]

((((((bubbles))))))

I am sorry you are not feeling well. Keep posting you are in my prayers....

[Iceberg]

bubblze,
I am glad you are keeping a close eye on your illness, get lots of rest and stay dilligent with your recovery.
You are in my prayers,
Iceberg

[KelKel]

Hi Bubblze
What medication did you miss doses of?
Sorry you are feeling blah...

[bubblze30]

Thanks all it was my serequel Kelkel. I have missed my doxipin in the past but it only causes my nghtmares and flashback back into my life. This was like I felt before I started the serequel the depressed, tired, angry, just miserable feeling.

What is strange is today I am feeling better got up a little tired but stayed up. I am posting in here. I ate something. it is just like going from night to day in a quickness. It took me a week to get my happiness back. Not sure if its the meds but that was the only thing different. After years of counceling I have learned to keep a diary and if not a mental note of what was different. Usually this helps us find out the problem. It came to me that this was the only difference. See a few days went buy after missing and nothing was wrong.Must have still been in my blood. At day three started dragging a bit. Tired angry, miserable. I took my meds(finally had money to get them) Although I put the meds back into my system my body went all funky on me.

Today is the first real day of happines and not so tired. I really seen a difference after the first few weeks of taking it. I tell ya I truley thought they would never find anything for me. I been on so many different meds I felt like a lab rat. It really scared me when I started feeling down again. I thought that was it the misery was back but today I am starting to feel back to normal again. To think I need a pill to be or feel normal or even human. Oh Well! I medicated myself for years because I knew something was wrong. Now that I am clean, not missing my appointments and taking care of myself I have finally found something that works. I will do my best not to miss again I just don't want to go back to that again.

Thanks again for your support ladies. You always seem to be there when I need someone. It really helps me to stay clean to. i think if I had to go through this stuff alone I would never make it. So thanks ladies!!!

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{{bubblze}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Im glad your feeln better!!!!!
I am sorry i wasnt here for you the last few days...
I am glad you were able to get outta the bed and pull
yourself out!!!!!
I have a script for zoloft..I may start on it again!!!
It does suck to think you may have to take a pill or 2 to be
even keeled but..like you said..How long did we drink or drug to
numb the pain cause somethin was definetely not right inside...
I put together close to 3 months when i was takin zoloft...
I wasnt all wound up about it either!!!! I quit goin to see the head doc
when i lost my job{quit takin meds soon after}...I agree with you.I also need to take small steps to try and
get through this"BIG MESS"...Take care of yourself and stay outta that bed..

[bubblze30]

I talked in my womens group today about how I could see how miserable I was. Then I took meds and I started to like me and go out into public and well live and smile. Then when I didn't take them those two days afew days later the misery, the depression, the self doubt and embarassment came back. I will make sure I never miss a dose again. To me I am a whole new person. Each day I am getting back up on cloud nine and I intend on staying up there this time. Yes it takes meds to make me enjoy life but who cares I can actually enjoy life. I am feeling slightly better then yesterday and soon I think i will be back to fully happy again.

I am a bit sad because my daughter camp is over on friday so I can not make my womens group or my recovery skills groups(no child care) I can make my one on one counceling and noon time meetings I love my groups though. However I got so used to these in my life it may be strange without it. I was scared at first because I truely believe that all these things together is what helps me stay clean. So it will be tough. I got all the ladies numbers (from my womens group)so I can call them and I can always throw in an extra meeting if need be and post here more. I guess I still fear change a bit but heck I can do anything I set my mind too.It will be for five weeks. Never thought like that in the past. I am greatful to know I will still be in here every morning. Recovery is a very important part of my life now. In the past I thought it was important but not that great of importance. Today I know I will not have my life, my happiness, the people I now have in it, or anything if I use. Using is not even an option for me anymore. I owe all my happiness to recovery and I will be forever greatful for it. So ladies if you here from me more often then usual you will know that my Tuesdays and Wensdays are no longer full and I must put time in somewhere to keep me focused. Thanks for putting up with me ladies. It must not be easy LMAO .

[bubblze30]

Today is Wendsday and I was up at seven. Haven't been able to latley. Thats a plus. Also got to sleep at a good hour. Thank god these meds are working again. I just can't believe the change in me. I am in total awe. I always thought they would never find a med that worked or also that I was just going to feel like that for ever. I think back and remember thinking its just me and accepted to live with it. I am so greatful I didn't give up and I tried yet another new med. It worked and well although I am angry I need medication to feel good I will do my best not to miss a dose again. I worry you all think I might be to damn happy and you all get sick of hearing me post(still working on the paranoid piece) if this is true please tell me so I can stop posting so much. It helps but I don't want to ramble on if it bothers someone else. I guess I just wish I could write something to help someone get to where I am at peace and serenity. I wish we all could find that one place that makes us happy and comfortable. Please be honest with me. Thank you.

[bubblze30]

Ok here goes. I on Wendsday did get up early but then went to sleep at one thirty and did not get up til four. I have been doing this everyday. I am neglecting my house work, and I am tired of it. I thought I was getting happy again but the truth is I am back to my old tired depressing routine. The one where I sleep all the time. I don't want this. It has made me very angry. I want my happiness back. I guess I have been trying to fake it until I make it but its not working. I said a prayer this morning to help me with strength to clean and I will do everything in my power to not go back to sleep this afternoon. I want my life back. I was bringing my daughter to the pool,going to outside meetings, and living with a smile on my face. I want that back damn it. I suffered long and hard enough that I deserve it. I guess I needed to post this truth seeings how faking it doesn't seem to be working. Hope this does not last because I am truly tired of the old me. I deserve to be happy and will do everything possible to get me back to where I was at. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Gods will be done not mine. Help hp Help!

[namommy]

Bubblze,

Have you called your doctor? Sometimes it's just a matter of having the meds tweeked. I recently went through the same thing, and my doctor adjusted my meds by just a few milligrams and now I am back on track again.

I hope you find some relief.

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{[bubblze}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
It just could be that..Your missing your group meetings that you were going to on tues and wed????I know when i get settled in to something that makes me happy and i lose it...I get kinda depressed about it!!! I spent most of the day yesterday here and the night before...Just come on in here when you would normally be at your meeting!! You sound like you are getting stronger!!! I know from reading your posts that you truely love your lil girl!!! I know you can only talk about so many things with kids ...However your gonna have to get yourself movin on those days when you would normally go to your meeting..dont let it take you back down woman..you have come too far!!!! I believe in you!!! I will keep you in m,y prayers...As always
Take care

[bubblze30]

Yes I gave my doc a call. I am waiting to hear back from him. I also pushed myself not only to not go back to sleep but to clean my house. I even finally put my mirror on my beureau. I have been here four months now. Its one thirty and I don't feel like sleepy at the present. My house is clean. I guess I needed to just get my butt back into gear. I have been thinking maybe a med adjustment would help. I hope so It would be great to have that happiness and serenity back. I mean I am doing good I am serene it was just that happy feeling I have never in my life felt that before. I want it back!!!! See I got spoiled one would say. Thanks for being there ladies.

[zoomer]

((((((((((((((((Bubblze))))))))))), sorry I just now got to read your post. Sometimes I just have to push myself as well. Although, I'd have a tough time giving up my nappy poos! You'll be OK. Sometimes whenyou have depression, the only thing you can do to over come it even with meds is to fight it!

[bubblze30]

Yes I think you are right Zoomer. Since pulling myself outa bed and cleaning that made me feel better and today I am feeling well evough to go to the pool. Last night out of no here my daughter an I walked to the store(the supermarket) for some ben and jerrys. I never do stuff like that. So I think I am starting to feel good again. I don't want to analize to much. I don't want to expect happiness all the time. I will have bad days still. See when I was feeling so happy I wanted it all the time. I know now this is selfish every day can not be peaches and cream. So I will be happy for today and pray for happiness tomorrow. Thanks all I appreciate it.

[bubblze30]

I went to the pool with my daughter. We stayed all day I got some more color and had a fun time with my daughter. She went off the diving board for the first time ever. Then I could not get her away from it.LOL. I bought her some silly puddy and someone stole it. So it made it hard to go back into the pool worring about my stuff. I hate that. What happen to the days you could leave things and they stayed safe. Where you could leave your door unlocked. Times have changed so much. Next time I will not bring anything I will wory about. This way I can enjoy the whole day and not just half. I am glad I got up and went. I guess I still have to force myself to get up and thats what I will do until one day when I can just get up and go wothout force. I tell ya though my back and anckles where killing me when I got home. I exersized alot in the pool, and the walk home finally got to me. Woke up with pain but thought no pain no gain and I am proud of myself for the exersizing. All in all it was a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Hope all of you ladies had a good weekend.

[zoomer]

((((Bubblze)))))))), sounds like a great day to me! LOL, I need to get my lard butt out to exersize besides mall walking. I'm just now coming off of my upset mold and wanting to sleep again. LOL, when I'm upset I can't sleep or when I'm overly excited I can't either. Now that things have calmed down, I feel like I can sleep for days! So far though no such luck!!! We can't go to the pool much because of thunder storms. Summers like these are a real waste of money for the pool!

[bubblze30]

It has been a strange summer here as well. Hasn't really been that hot now its so hot ya can't breathe and will be like this all week but the sky looks and it just feels like a thunder storm coming. Today its like that. It will storm tonight I am sure. Guess ya just gotta hope for a good day and get in the pool. I love exersizing in the pool I walk back and forth, then I speed it up then I do it bacwards. Its a great time for me because it dosen't kill me. When I try to exersize out of the water I get five minutes in then my back has had it. I can stay in the water two hours and feel nothing until of course the next day I feel it.Hope you get some better weather Zoom. Got to go to my womens group today because my daughter had slept over her friends house. That was a plus. I will surely miss them. Today my daughter called begging to come home said she was treated badly by her friend and her mom did nothing. I was told my daughter got a small bowl of popcorn and her friend had a huge bowl. She told me her mom was treating badly too and I did not like that. I didn't want to make a fuss about it in front of my daughter however it did bother me. I just told my baby thats ok. At least you ate fewer calories. Yeah she worries about her weight. She is by no means fat but she is not a twig either so the kids at school sometimes bother her. I will never let her stay over that girls house again ever. So other then that I was up and about all day. One weird thing that happend last night is I couldn't sleep more then two hours without waking up. Then while awake I was having memories of way back when I was sixteen. On cocaine and fighting with my friends mom. I haven't thought of this stuff in like ever. Why now. I am thinking I want to make ammends but don't have a clue on finding this person. It also made me think of how much I have changed over the years. Guess it was strange I couldn't understand why now. Why that paticular situation? Who knows? Good Lord I have alot to talk about today. Blah Bah Blah. Sorry all. Thats all for now. I know you all are thanking me Lol.

[zoomer]

Why Bubblze, you where having a flash back that is all! (((((((((huggys))))))). Ya, i get pissed of fif any one treats my kids bad. Good for you for sticking by your daughter! Today was a great day for the pool,but the kids and hubby went while I fixed dinner and vented my day away! I hope both of us get a good night's sleep tonight bubblze! Sweet dreams!

[bubblze30]

I ahd good night sleep thanx zoom you helped me by saying it.LOL. I think I may bring my baby to the pool after she cleans her room. She just don't know it yet. Hate to see her stuck in the house. Wish I had a car. That would mean trips to the beach Nice. Someday I am sure of it. Was only up once last night which is very unusual. I am usually up two or three times so I am happy for that. I have been noticing I come in here for two hour plus everyday wow. Never realized it before. Guess I get what I need. Pants are feeling looser so the exersize and eating less is working in my favor.I always lose my appetite in the summer. Crave fruits mostly. I am thinking I am getting back on the right track. Not on cloud nine but I am not suppose to be. Leveled I guess the word is. I am so greatful for all of you in here you all help me each and everyday to stay clean. I think of the person I used to be and think wow two different people from two different worlds. I like the new more mature grown up me though. Well gotta go finish up in here and get ready for the pool. Bye ya all Be good.

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((Bubblze)))))))))))))),funny I only woke up once last night too! I guess I charmed us both LOL! It's almost that time of the month again and I get depressed. I can feel the depression washing over me. Ugh, I'v eaten so much in the past couple of days! I'm going to do one thing today that will make me feel more organized. When I get depressed my house goes to pot in a hurry! I'll make my self go to the pool tommrrow!

[bubblze30]

There ya go zoom. I was going to do laundry today but it is so darn hot an humid. I can't stand it. Maybe tonight I will once it cools a bit if it does. It stinks lugging a basket full of icky laundry into a cab todo laundry. I am rewarding myself real soon with a washer and dryer. Renting one will be about the same as paying for a cab and the laundry every week anyways. I am sweating writing this UGH! I slept good again last night.Thank god for ac. I have been having better days so I am back on track I think anyways. Time will tell. Hope all you ladies are cool and heat free. Its hot up here in Ma. today. No pool today went yesterday for five hours. Need a break.

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((bUBBLZE)))))))))))))) it's hot here as well and I'm in the AC and ready to take my nap LOL! We will go to the pool later when my kids will not get burned so bad. I love the sun,but their little bodies escept for my 8 year old are white as can be. You can slap as much sun screen on as ya want,but kids have a way of getting burned any way!!! Stay kewl too!

[bubblze30]

This is true my daughter unlike me just keeps getting browner and brower but I burn everytime. I think I am with you time to go into my ac bedroom and catch a nap. Not because I am depressed just because its hot an humid and I have no pressing ingagments today. Laundry and food shopping will survive until later today or tomorrow.LOL. I am so happy I can take a nap just to take one not because I am to miserable to get outa bed. Its a great feeling not feeling depressed.

[ssindi]

Time of month. HA. I'm going through hot flashes now. And with this heat, I get them in the morning. I miss those days when I would take my kids to the pool, now my kids are in their 20's. I did get to take my grandson to the pool last month though. Bubblze, I hope your feeling better. I know its hard getting the right drug mix I have that problem with my seizures. Now they have me on klonopin which is kind of scary because it could be addicting. My husband is on vacation from the fire department for like 30 days and I guess I'm putting it on myself by feeling like I have to be home with him everynight. My favorite meeting friday I can't go to because we have a fire fighter function to go to and I can't send him alone. I told him I'm going to a meeting on Saturday though. I don't know if he liked it that much but oh well. Stay cool ladies.