good mom bad mom...

[wastedtime4me]

Here i am again!!! My son was trying to get me to go for a drug test..I never told anyone i had used as of lately...He had been suspicious even though he was not around me this last time,...He sent me an email this morning..tellin me he wanted me to go for one and he wanted to see it!!!! I told him he is not gonna demand i do anything!!!! This all ended up into a big discussion on puter..He then had my daughter join in..He also went to his dad last night and told him he thought i was using again!!! I wont pass a drug test right now!!!!! I told him he thinks that is gonna make things better..However i will be thrown outta here so fast everyones head will spin!!!! My hubby told me he wont stick around for anymore that i better not be using again!!!!! I asked him{my son} why didnt he just come to me...He said he just went to his dad..So now my life hangs up there somewhere!!! I have not gone back..I just slipped off for a bit but i havent used and am back!!! Anyway none of that matters i dont guess!! Nobody is gonna trust me anymore blah blah blah..I am sick and tired of not going anywhere because they will be afraid i am using..I am just fed up with it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bust my a** to treat everyone fairly and make sure everyone is happy and i guess because i used it doesnt matter now!!!! I told him it was when he though his g/f was pregnant and i just couldnt hold on anymore...I have no excuses but thats how i felt at the time!!!! I am so tired of al this up and down business!!! I sit in my backyard...I take care of my flowers..I sit alone most of the time..I feel like i am gonna explode as it isand now this...thanks for listenin ..I dont expect any answers i just came to vent.. :AR15firin

[KelKel]

[zoomer]

((((WT4M))))))))), LOL it sounds like you child knows you well. Listion tell your son that you can take care of yourself from now on and he only has to wrry about himself. Tell him he is off the hook in taking care of you. Tell him for better or for worse,your going to take care of yourself. Sorry about your being threatened to being kicked out. Perhaps it's not the best place for you to live right now. Just a suggestion (although I don't take my own advice LOL), go to a meeting if you can so you will not have to sit alone.

[Iceberg]

WT4M,

I really feel for you and your situation especially the trust part. From your post it sounds like there is a lot of love in your family even though it may be hard to see that. I believe your son had good intentions when he asked for you to get tested and see the results. I think you would want the same if he was using? The part about being kicked out probably also feels threatening but I would risk the assumption that it too is backed by love. Everyone sounds like they are hurting and you the most because you are carrying the biggest burden by trying to stay clean.

Whenever, my husband or family loses trust in me... I really try hard to see the person they are speaking to, the user. I realize that just as it is hard for me to stay sober, it's hard for them to see me in a new light. The wounds in my family are deep and when I think they have healed they usually have not.

I know when I drink I allow a selfish, needy, hurt child to take over my emotions and character. I can see her very clearly and know that aside from all the other reasons why I drank it was because I didn't ever really want to grow up and take responsibility for my actions. Unfortunately, I was the last to see her, despite the fact that everyone else knew her too well. (18, 19, 20-teens, 30-teens....)

My husband and I are in family therapy together as a part of my rehab program and it really helps. I have to admit though that it is extremely painful to sit by him when he expresses how angry and sad he has felt in regards to my drinking but, I need to know it. I see it as a privilege, now. Also, much of the work is done in group sessions (less expensive) and it's helpful to see that we are not alone on our rollercoaster....

I believe you are taking responsibility for your relapse and maybe family counseling would be good. You could ask to be tested regularly. That way YOU are in control of the decision and you have the proof!!!!! I think your son and husband would be proud of you if you took the reigns on this issue and you would be taking the pressure off of them so they can nurture you in more healthy ways.

[Iceberg]

Oh yeah, in the environment of family therapy everone is told that a relaps usually doesn't mean you failed at recovery. Rather, it means you just need to take a look at what happened and work on eliminating, avoiding or fixing the "trigger." If you have your whole family on board it makes it a clearer process.