to anyone who thinks they might have a problem (please add experiences)

[Iceberg]

Making Rules about Drinking

They say sometimes another red flag is making rules about drinking. We all usually follow social rules because for example it's unusual to go to a bar at 10am but when you become overly conscious of those rules then a struggle is taking place. And, you don't ever have to go to a bar or drink at 10 am to be an alcoholic. I found out I was an alcoholic that way, in fact my drinking was done in private... a sneaky example was making my drink stronger than other people's. I thought I was a "heavy weight but in fact my tolerance was dangerously high from years of abuse. It was a difficult thing to admit to myself because I followed all the rules.

I went to a few sights a couple of years ago to test my problem and basically just found fuel for my denial. Alcoholism and problem drinking is much worse for women. I lost so many years because I was so ashamed of MAYBE having a problem.

[bubblze30]

Alchohol was my second addiction after smoking ciggerettes. Before I did any drug alchohol was first. In the begining I wouldnot touch anything unless I was drinking. I never drank to be social I drank to get drunk so drunk I would black out. Then I would get the scoop the next day. What,who,when.where,why? Alchohol brought me to cocaine,heroin,pills, ect... I can not goto a bar room, a liquer storee, I can't even goto some of the streets in this city. To go home takes three meetings and when I get back more. Its a hour away from here but I can never live there again. My famiy lives there and I rarely visit because there are to many memories, bad scary nightmare memories. I knew the first time I drank I was an alchoholic. I was young but I knew I just drank to much to fast the first time. I pray to god I stay clean a day at a time.

[51anna]

You're right Iceberg, I think misconceptions can definitely lead us astray. I didn't drink at all until I was 45 and then I chose to drink to get through a really, really difficult period. I had no idea that I could become an alcoholic. Not only did I become one, it happened so fast I didn't know how to deal with it at all.

Love, Anna

[twoboys]

Did anyone else see Oprah a couple of days ago? I don't usually watch, but the promo described the show as "Mothers spinning out of control" and I knew I couldn't miss it. One of the point the expert made was that we make up these rules precisely to rationalize the problem we are in denial about. Touche!

My thing was expensive wine. When I was single I used to drink a bottle a day, but it was always a $15 or $20 bottle (I cringe when I think of all the money I drank away), so I couldn't *possibly* be a drunk! Never mind that I made the rounds of the local liquor stores so I wouldn't be seen too often in any one of them. I had/have (I'm not comfortable talking about drinking in the past tense yet) so many of those rules that I'd be embarassed to list them here! Of course, once I was married and had kids, I switched to the cheap stuff, and figured as long as I'm drinking Trader Joe's $2.99 special, I couldnt be a drunk. The Queen of Denial.

The inverse of this, though, is the set of rules I'm developing for my sobriety, like checking in at SR every day. I like them, and I'm going to keep them!

[Iceberg]

Good point twoboys, rules can work in your favor when they have a good motive. Rules for staying sober sound great however, rules so you can stay drinking sound dangerous. Each person has to look at thier situation and motivations differently.

I also think, if you have the time, a list of your rules might be helpful to otheres.

[KelKel]

Oh Lordie, Lordie
I do not recall ever having any qualms about going in to a bar before noon.
Or having breakfast in an establishment that could serve me a good bloody mary...and make that a double...

But as my dis-ease progressed and my family and friends knew that I was in trouble, I would go to great lengths to hide what I was drinking, you know all the traditional stuff...drinking before engagments,
drinking in the early morning before work. (just to take the edge off).

And for years I tried to play the regulation game. I too wasted way too much mula on fine bottles of wine.
One...just for me....
And I never ever (very rarely) lived up to my "Rules to drink by...".
They are most definately a warning sign...

:devil2: Who's that on my back porch ?

[Ann25]

It took me a long time to figure out I had a drinking problem. I started drinking in 8th grade and only drank to get drunk. My drinking was progressive (usually is--I know) until I discovered the wonderful world of drugs! No hang overs-no calories!!! That was a big one for me. Of coarse they were much more expensive but I thought-well--at least Im not an alcoholic like most of my family! I guess a drug addict was better in my eyes. Go figure. It wasnt until I went into treatment that I had to take a look at my many years of substance abuse. When the discovery that I was using for 20 years to numb myself--I was shocked--really! And of coarse through all of this I thought pot was ok. ???????? I am grateful for the knowlege that I have today. Because without the tools that I have right now--I shutter to think where I would be (maybe dead?) Now--if I choose to use--Im not a victim--Im a volunteer.

[Chy]

See I used to think I "wasn't that bad" because I only drank Bud Light, never anything else. If bud light wasn't around I may have one or two scotches, but could alway's stop, well I couldn't drink hard liquor anyway as it tore up my stomach. So if my beer of choice wasn't around I wouldn't drink.. but I looked damn hard for it, and if I went anywhere I knew it wasn't I'd "prime" myself good with a 12 pack before I went... so that when I only ordered club soda, people wouldn't think I was a lush!

Just one of many "secrets"...

[CherylEM]

Hi I'm Cheryl and I'm going to ramble a bit, I hope no one minds....I stumbled across this site... A thing I think. I was actually looking for treatment centers. I smoke pot. What seems like not a "big deal" when I read some of the stories here, but it's a big deal. I've smoked nonstop for almost 25 years... YEARS! The past 15 I have NEVER missed a day, including the 9 months I was pregnant (though I did cut WAY back... doesn't really deserve a shoulder pat does it..??) I am now 36, ALMOST divorced for the second time, unemployed and living with my mother. My soon to be ex was a heroin addict, now on methadone, he also has chronic HEPC which is not being treated. My mother is addicted to vicoden (though she wouldn't admit it) from many serious recent back surgery's. There are alcoholics through out my family, but I don't drink anymore. I had that spell in my life for about 10 years, I quit when an ER doctor told me I was going to die.... Funny thing, I can't stop smoking pot even with the same information given to me. My parents divorced after 33 years of marriage, I had a hard time with that.. I had/have a LOT of "past" issues I never dealt with and they seem to haunt my brain on a regular basis. My physical health is not good... (I have been tested and neg. on the HEPC and everything else) I did all the drugs back in the day, coke was a favorite for a long time, till the shooting up started. I managed to break that quickly. I smoke almost two packs of cigarettes a day and never eat right and exercise even less. Not fat though.. underweight actually, dangerously so I think. My mental health is screwed too. I've gotten to a point where leaving the house to go to the store is a major undertaking, almost panicky. The self-esteem is gone, along with a few of my teeth!! I have thought about this moment for FIVE solid years, writing this to someone, somewhere..... I HAVE to get clean, I have to get mentally sane and physically fit! I am 36 and feel 66. I've got a 9yr old daughter who will end up JUST LIKE ME....... If I don't get MY **** together now. I NEED to go into a treatment center, I need to stop smoking pot, I need to cry, for days..... I need to hold on now because it's not the "right time" for a nervous break down!
I'm still learning how to work the message boards, so PLEASE, ANYONE feel free to email me if I don't respond right away to the board.. I will be back though. Thank you in advance to anyone and everyone for just having a site like this....

[twoboys]

Welcome CherylEM ... You've found the right place. I speak like an authority, but of course I only found this site four days ago.

I'm thinking about what Iceberg said about listing out our rules and rituals for staying sober, just like we had rules and rituals to rationalize our drinking.

For starters, some of mine will be:

• Checking in here daily (I especially like the newcomers board and this Women In Recovery board)
• Contributing to the Gratitude Forum daily
• Developing a morning ritual that encourages sobriety, such as a morning walk (I live adjacent to a wooded area)
• Keeping my goals manageable, which is what the one-day-at-a-time thing is about, I think. Frankly, I already know I can't stand the thought of never drinking again, but I know I don't want to drink today. And I plan on feeling this way tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that ...

What I don't want to do is set myself up for failure, and then easily rationalize falling back into self-destructive old patterns. I have to shake things up without causing and earthquake, I guess.

What guidelines do you all have?

[indigo]

Salut and Welcome Cheryl,
Glad you made it here and glad too that you are ready to start trying...you've made a big step, not easy nor is quitting but it can be done and with help and support from the right people you'll make it. Death does'nt have to be an option. We are all here for you come back soon.
Indigo

[lulu70]

First of all, Dear, Dear, Dear Cheryl,
God bless you, darlin'. Laura here, alcoholic/pot-head. Today I have 140 days clean and sober, and although life is not always peaches and cream, it is infinitely better than it was when I was drinking and using. I can so relate to your situation. I smoked pot everyday for about 17 years. I thought it wasn't a problem. It is such a sneaky drug. In February, I went into treatment for alcoholism. I started out doing day treatment. I thought I could just give up the pot for a while, while I got my head straitened out, and go back to it later. NEWSFLASH! I could not give it up. I got rid of everything I had, then strained my bong water so I could still get high. Yeah, right. I don't have a problem. I finally had to go into residential treatment to get completely away from it. It was the best thing I have ever done. Before I came home, I had a support person come to my house with me and I got rid of every last piece of paraphenalia I had. It was hard, but again, it was the best thing I have done. I am now living life on life's terms and feeling a whole lot better about myself. If you can get into residential treatment, I highly reccomend it. You can do it. We are all here for you and will support you. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Even if you are struggling. That's what we are here for.

Now, as far as rules goes... I used to tell myself that although I knew I was an alcoholic, I was managing it because I didn't drink during the week and had finished college and kept a job. Never mind that I drank so much on the weekends that I almost always blacked out and made really horrible decisions, then spent the first part of the week recovering for the weekend. Then I started drinking during the week. Only occasionally, but I did. My last drunk was on a school night ( I was director of a before and after school program for elementary school kids). I got so drunk that I was still reeling from the night before when I went in to work. I had no business being there. One of my staff smelled alcohol on my breath and told my boss. To make a long story short, I basically had to resign or be fired. I went into treatment a week later.
I had a lot of other rules, but always broke them as well. Now I have rules and I don't break them. My number one rule each day is, "I will not drink or drug today." I have other rules as well, but that one is the most important.

Hope everyone is well today. God Bless!

[bubblze30]

I have been reading these many different experiences and am blank.Or I thought I did not. I simply started drinking young stealing moms. Then on my own with friends. Then on to bigger an heavier drugs. I always drank or used to get messed up. Never casual never.I just wanted more,more,more. I guess from the very begining I set out to be an addict. I wanted to be numb and I never wanted to stop trying to be numb. If I did it was for small stints. I am truley greatful for where I am today. However I cannot remember ever justifing it I simply did not care what anyone thought. I just drank and did drugs and sold my body and did not really care. This is kinda hard admitting I did not care at all. I remember now shutting my mind down. I was there physically but not mentally. I think I sailed through quite a few years this way. Wow thinking now at the things I have done. How could I. I have done some truly nasty things. Stealing, selling my body, using anything even if I did not know what it was. I dont remember graduating as I know I did. However even starting with beer it was always alot. Alot of whatever.

[Iceberg]

Failed Rule #2 for Iceberg: Wine is healthier than hard alcohol.

I had rules about what type of alcohol was ok. Like, wine, it was ok because it was less alcoholic than gin (another favorite.) If I felt I was drinking too much then I would say... ok, you can only have wine because it's healthier. I usually ended up drinking the same amount of alcohol no matter what was in hand. It was also very hard to see wine as bad because it's socially acceptable and "high class." I also used the one glass of wine a day promotion for a healthy heart as an excuse.

[Iceberg]

Stupid Rule #4: An open container...

Good wine has to be consumed almost immediately, it can't sit around for too long. When I was single I used that excuse to justify finishing off a bottle of wine solo in one sitting. It eventually trickled down to that annoying remaining 1 to 1/2 inch of liquor in a bottle, might as well finish that off too.

[CherylEM]

First I want to thank everyone for being so warm.
It's been beyond hard for me to start dealing with this and to get even the simplest "Hang in there," makes all the difference.
I don't know where to begin, I think that's my biggest problem right now. I know I HAVE to get into some program, but before I do that I think I need some sort of in-treatment.... Deal with the pot as well as 30 plus years of BS emotion. Suggestions from anyone?
I have no insurance and no "other" financial help. I can't, won't don't want to deal with my local programs like PAR, Salvation Army, that sort of thing. My husband (soon to be ex) is in PAR right now. It's a joke. All that organization did for him was save him money. Instead of a hundred a DAY for pill, its eighty a week, for a daily dose of heaven. No counseling, no spousal or family support, no medical help for his HEPC. Anyway, he's not my problem, I am my problem. I write this straight... at 10:27pm est... I'll come back in a few hours, as I've been doing since I started here three days ago... High, and see how I feel then..... Bet I can ramble lots more
Thank you again, everyone..............

[wastedtime4me]

Ok pickin my brain as i just got up not long ago....
I had lots of rules for myself back in the day...
#1.No drinkin b4 7 pm...I ignored that "rule" more than
not!!
#2.No more than 3 drinks b4 the kids go to bed...
They saw me really drunk 3 times..so i broke that one also
#3.I told myself no drinkin unless it was the weekend...Yepp
you guessed right...Eventually i justified that also...
#4.I wont drink "the hard stuff" cause i know i always black out...
No comment!!!
#5.I would NEVER drink and drive cause my brother in law was killed by
someone drinkin and drivin...That turned into well if i can drive after smokin one...
I will just have a few drinks and still be ok to drive...Fortunately this one never caught up with me in a legal way...However i always had more than i told myself i would and drove anyway...
Well i went to meetings for 2 yrs convinced i had a problem with alcohol..Didnt drink for a year put together a few months here and there after that first slip...and eventually said i can control the drinkin now..I dont need AA...I havent blacked out in years..I can have 2 and stop now in a boring environment but you put me at a party and im in trouble andi know it!!!! Luckily havent been to a party in yrs..Hubby thinks its ok for me to drink just not smoke..So i have to be my own babysitter with alcohol...I never smoked weed like i have the last few years..I guess i have justified that by sayin to myself..I have never done anything stupid while smokin..So i told myself it was better than drinkin...I substituted one for the other...Now my game is up my whole family knows my lil secret and if continue i will lose everything i love!!!!! There are no more chances for this girl..My number has been called!!!

[wastedtime4me]

Welcome to S.R.{{{{cheryl}}}}}
You gotta want it you gotta do it and life goes on no matter what!!!
Most importantly you gotta want it!!!! I wish you well and keep postin...
This is a wonderful place!!!

[Iceberg]

((((((((((((WT4M)))))))))))))))

Damn! I would never be able to stay sober if my husband allowed me to drink or drug or smoke. In fact, I specifically asked him to not police me but support me in total abstinence! If he policed me, the inner-addict in me would end up resenting him on some level, if he allowed me to smoke... that would be followed by a drink...and I would be back to square one where (once again) he would be in a perfect position to blame for not keeping me safe.

I can see clearly now it's too much pressure on him and not enough pressure on me. I think the pressure I put on myself is what's keeping me committed to sobriety. I feel a greater reward when I work hard at avoiding and overcoming triggers and cravings. Parties are easier too because now they’re on my terms... that was never the case before I got sober, I would have to drink just to get to the party, drink to stay at the party and drink when I got home to get over the party. I also realize now that's all me too, no one else, no one made me feel weird or inadequate it was all inside me. No one made me do those things, so no one can make me feel better about it... except me and sobriety, total sobriety.

Just a thought after reading your post.

[ashley80]

Wow, I stumbled on this thread. I usually hang out at the NA and substance abuse forums. I read the thing about expensive wine, and said WHOA!

It's hard for me to admit I have a problem with alcohol, because I never became a "blackout" drunk. I never admitted I had a problem with ANY substance until I almost lost my job because I was always missing days due to going through drug withdrawal. Even then, I figured I could fix the problem on my own, by avoiding becoming physically dependent. (yep, I ended up breaking that rule, too.)

So, to get back to the point, I gave up the drugs (for a while) but not the wine. After all, I only had a "glass of wine with dinner", right? Yeah, broke that rule when a glass became a bottle. And whether the bottle cost $20 or $4.99, it was still a bottle.

And, I have liver disease, and of course, should not drink AT ALL. What on earth made me think I didn't have a problem just because I never got rip-roaring drunk? I was unable to give up my "wine with dinner" even though it was harming my health.

And I also did the "no wine before 7" and then "no wine before 5" and broke those rules too.

And I did the "I only drink wine" thing. Except when there was no wine, and I couldn't get any, then beer or tequila or whatever was ok.

And how about: "I'll only have ONE glass?" Except it was a mighty big glass!

Or, sometimes I would never actually finish the glass of wine, but would pour "just a little more" in, and spent the evening topping it off. Just one glass, right? Lol.

I shoulda, mighta recognized a problem when I noticed that when I went out to dinner with friends, my share of the bill was always twice as much as everyone else's, on account of I always had twice as many drinks.

But I didn't have a problem, because I never got "drunk." Hmmm.

Thanks for the thread, Iceberg! And nice to meet you all!
Ashley

[dotcom]

ah those rules ...

ive never been an extremely heavy drinker, but with meth i had some of those "rules" ... it is not "socially acceptable" to a normie to go out and buy an 8 ball of meth, and in some of the circles i ran in, it wasnt acceptable either. those people "had a handle" on their use. hah. i was always the one who used too much and ended up tripping/being psychotic. so when i went to buy a ball for myself i would tell the connect i was slanging and not using it all. or, if i was getting a 60 i would get one 20 and one 40 and say the 40 was for someone else. hah.

and on the weekdays when i only shot/smoked during the daytime it was fine. but when it went around the clock it was "unacceptable".

i did have to slang for a short amount of time, because of a mif my ex got us into with the connect. its amazing the "rules" that go into that. there are "social graces" of slanging and "customer relations". it was ironic because the times i bought a ball for myself, his mom thought i was really slanging. but once i started slanging for him, she thought i was buying it all for me. freakin ridiculous.

i get frustrated when people still think i can get something for them. once you do certain activities they stick around with you and thats what certain people associate you with.

i was always embarressed to skip school and spend the morning and afternoons getting high, then spend the evenings on the streets. in my mind, it was ok to be on the street, but not okay to start out with a hit/shot. thats when i started hanging around with seedier people, because misery loves company and they never biotched about how much i used. actually they did, but not as much.