Putting distance in a friendship

[51anna]

I am distancing myself from a friend who has done a couple of quite hurtful things towards me in the past few months. In the past I used to feel like I had to be nice to everyone, no matter what. Now, I know that not everyone will like me, nor will I like everyone I meet. And, in theory that's okay. But, when it comes down to actually breaking off a friendship, it's not easy. I don't want to be judgemental and I really don't want to carry around a burden of guilt. I'm trying to forgive this woman and remember that forgiving someone doesn't have to mean opening up to them again, it's really something I need to do for myself.

Still my emotions are flip-flopping at the moment. I'm not someone who makes friends easily and when I do, I'm very loyal. It's hard to let go and believe it's for the best. Again, in theory I believe that people in your life come and go at certain times in your life to teach you something you need to learn. I really believe this, but at the same time, it feels like a loss.

Sorry for all the rambling ladies...

Love, Anna

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((Anna))))))))))), I too have a hard time with friends. I had this one girlfriend who was older and I thought wizer than me. she pretty much used me to uplift herself if ya know what I mean. I got kind of tired being made to feel like she was better than me. I understood her and I let a lot of stuff slip by,but one time I could not. I said something. Boy she was mad and boy did she get back at me everyway she could. She really hurt my feelings,but again I understood her. We are not too close any more, she moved any way,but when ever she is in emotional trouble or wants to brag, I'm always here for her and I listion. Friends fight,but true friends make up. Acceptance of a person is excepting all their flaws,but you do have a right to say how you feel. I too Anna beleive people come and go in your life so that you may learn and give as well. I use to think there was something wrong with me when I wanted to hang with different people at different times instead of being "true blue or loyal" to my "friends" I thought I was not able to stay attached,but a true friend is in your heart no matter where you go or who you meet. I remember my friends from childhood with fondness in my heart and love. I may not ever see them again being I moved to the east,but when I remember them it is like it was yesterday and all the things we went through. We have grown up and perhaps we are not the same kind of people like we where, so we may not get along,then the memories of yesterday may be tarnished. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that "it's OK to move on". Part of loss is anger in how to deal with it. I know for me it it so much easier for me to be angry so that I can move on than it is for me to have peace in my heart and move on. It's human nature to feel that way. Or you can keep it simple and say "I'v out grown this friendship" LOL

[2stop]

I can relate to this also. I am learning that an ending or loss is really only a beginning of allowing positive energy to flow. The only true acceptance and love I can count on is what I give myself..and allowing myself to let go of that which inhibits growth and love is what makes the circle of life go round in a happy flow instead of a vicious cycle.

It is hard though puting it into action. Making the choice to release the negative in our life. being open to change and new friendships is a risk...but riskier still is to keep a friendship that damages our soul.


My thoughts and prayers are with you , Anna. ((((hugs)))

[51anna]

Wow,

I shouldn't be surprised you two lovely, wise ladies responded with exactly what I was feeling. I really needed to hear those words from both of you. Zoom, you're right on that it's easier to move on in anger than in peace. Anger makes things much easier to deal with. But, then you've got to waster the energy that it takes to remain angry. And Tammie, being open to change and risk a friendship is really hard, but sometimes it's what we need to do.

You both have brought tears to my eyes in your understanding and compassion. Thanks so much.

Love, Anna

[2stop]

(((((((((((((((((Anna))))))))))))))))))))

[In memory of miracle]

((((anna))) Thanks so much for posting that as I am going thru something very similar.I could so identify with the loyalty thing.These days I am just turnin it over and working on my recovery.Hugs to you..Trish

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((((Anna)))))))))), please don't cry or I'll cry too!

[bubblze30]

Anna I in early recovery had to get rid of them all. They were all using friends and well still sick. I had to leave them all. It left me all alone and very vulnerable. It hurt too. I just had to remember that I needed recovery at any cost and that meant I had to get rid of the old People, places, things. It was not easy and have meant only a few people who I can trust. What I did learn is how much I was being used. They were not my friend but mearly people who wanted something from me. Wheather to make them selves look better, or to use me to get something. There was always motive for something. I still am lonely but I am not getting used. In time you will find that friends are not meant to use or hurt you they are there to be your friend. It just sounds to me she has alteria motives and you don't deserve to be hurt. You are a terrific friend I think. You have a great personality and you are always nice. Just try to remember you do not have to be nice to those who hurt you.

[splendra]

Anna-

I have had challenges with friendships over the years too even with my best friends. We grow and change and sometimes we grow out of certain relationships.....Right now I am being challenged by feelings I have for one of my very good friends. She lives with an alcoholic who is always putting her in a bad spot finacilaly and, in many otherways puts her down and she always cries to me about it,but she won't protect herself from this man nor will she get any help from alanon or counseling. I get really piossed off to hear it almost everyday for years now. She borrows money from her family all the time for this man and I am very sick of hearing about it. I have loaned her money hoping to help her but, she just gets deeper into debt. And.... she has another boyfriend who sees numerous other women and cries about him when she is not crying about alcoholic...... . She is soooooooooo sweet and nice(nice has a hiss)never gets mad huh! But, her general health tells another story.... She cries all the time and I am avoiding her lately because it is always the same old thing. She will drop plans with me if one of her boyfriends decides to call her and "needs" her for something.

I think I am about ready to move forward without her...

[Iceberg]

Ahhhhhh, know all of this all too well! I TOO have a few friends who are pulling me down. I can't really say my addiction is a part of it but maybe in the past I used these toxic friends (and there have been many) to fill the void alcohol also filled. I am a sucker because I always try to err on the side of generosity and friendship and I have gotten burned really bad on a number of occasions but that was the risk. I sleep better at night knowing I tried. But I do have limits and boundaries that have taken a long time to expose. Some people see them some people do not. It's a work in progress.

I guess in recovery we all need to try to surround ourselves with people who are loving and supportive... in fact ANY HUMAN needs that, addict or not. These are hard decisions to drop or hold a friend and shouldn't be taken lightly. All of us have made one common hard decision to stop using, it's a struggle but we are all strong and better for it. I believe we can tackle other tough issues, especially with a clearer mind and spirit. take your time

Good Luck on this point with ALL of you!

[Paulie]

Isn't it amazing how we post something and once again learn we are not alone.

I too have done the same thing in the past 5 or 6 months, distanced myself from a close friend, a friendship that was not a positive one. I won't even go into the using friends I left behind, that is a totally different story. Realizing this about a friendship in sobriety is huge growth, that is what my sponsor said to me . You are doing great Anna.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

[bubblze30]

Yes its one of the things I love about this site. The majority of the time someone has been through a similar situation or someone they know has .It really does help knowing you are not alone. I always thought no one would understand my situations and it wasn't until I talked about them that I realized that many feel the same way. Even with my weight. I mentioned it in my womens group only to find out ALL of them felt the same. They all admitted they felt that way but did not feel comfortable bringing it up. So luckily I opend up a subject we all gained from. I really feel we do the same thing here. So remember you are not alone Anna we are all here for you.

[indigo]

Dear Anna,
I have sent you a mail. You are a wise and strong woman and you will know what you are meant to do.
Thinking of you.
Indigo

[wastedtime4me]

Well i understand what your going through as well...I am going through this right now!!! I had a friend for about 4 yrs now...She has said some pretty rude things to me in this past year!!! I feel disgusted with myself because i feel so damn desperate to have a friend.... But with friends like her i dont need enemies...Hopefully someday i will find someone that is for real....you will too!!!

[wingsfree]

My dearest Anna..I'm so sorry about this. Sorry I haven't responded to your thread. Lately I've been, well you know that stupid drinking thing trying to kill myself with it, high time I got out of myself. You've been there for me numerous times, I love you Anna, you have me in tears too, hate seeing your pain.

Again, in theory I believe that people in your life come and go at certain times in your life to teach you something you need to learn. I really believe this, but at the same time, it feels like a loss.

I fully agree with you here, I've had some come and go in my life, some have stayed, some we could do without.

I've also recently had to pull away from a woman I've known forever. I've been there for her through a real rough time in her life but it's time to let go, and good thing for identicall...and yeah I know I'm bad, but lordy a person can only take so much, right?

Cheer up my friend, hey look on the bright side, you have all of us, and you know you can lean on us any time you need to, ANYTIME.

Sending my love and extra hugs your way, smile Anna, we LOVE YOU girl.

[bubblze30]

51anna Did you take a look at the 7/10 reading. You may benifit from it.

[Rowan]

Hi Everyone
I just want to say 'thanks' for sharing your experiences with friendships. Like someone mentioned already, it's so encouraging when someone shares something that most of us have encountered ourselves. I too have a difficult time making friends, but once I do, I am very loyal. I guess that's why it's so hard to let go. I am in the midst of letting a friend go myself, but have put off doing so because I don't want to hurt her or for her to misunderstand. I always know when I need to end something when I am starting to feel OBLIGATED to them and that's how I feel with this girl. I just want to move on. Oh well, that's all I wanted to say.

[wastedtime4me]

I know i already posted here once but feel the need to write some more..
I am completely disgusted with myself...I dont trust most people..The few friends i have had in the past few years are users...I only made friends with them because i met them through a family member. I dont play well with others so to speak...I have done alot of reading in the past few years and i can spot a liar a mile away...Im not kidding!!! I got sick and tired of bein fooled by people so i read up on the subject at the library{my fav place}
Since absorbin this info..I find everyone lies!!!!! Ok i knew that..however i am quite upfront with people..I tell them i dont like b.s..Im not askin you to tell me my butt looks big..LOL,,But be honest with me admit when your wrong...blah blah...I met this girl 4 yrs ago...We were soooo compatable with one another...I had never met anyone i felt so comfy around..We both enjoyed goin to thrift stores yard sales...goin to coffe shops instead of bars ..ETC..We would just crack each other up every time we went anywhere..I am not sayin i am perfect by no means ..However i dont get into the competition thing..I didnt talk behind her back..If i had somethin to say..I Said it..right then so as to not create any walls of resentment...Well im not sure what happened realy..I did my best..I know i did..Im not bein arrogant either..I hadnt had a "friend" like her ever so i really made sure i took care of it!!! Apparently it was more precious to me than it was her!!! She found a boyfriend she really liked after a few yrs of insignificant dating...Then bham i was outta the picture...Just like that!!! It really hurt me..I told her i understand your in love and absorbed but what about me?? No time at all for me?? She laughed it off and said dont be a baby...We can still do stuff...Time went by many months..she moved in with b/f..Theuy settled in and she decided she wanted her "friend" back...I have never flirted with her man..He isnt even my type..We do have good convo about yard stuff buildin stuff .things she doesnt get into..so all i can gather is she feels threatened cause she mainly started bein really weird after i started comin over to visit again but now with b/f there...He treats her in ways i would never tolerate...I dont want him aint even tryin to get him....Ya know..As of the last time i saw her 2 weeks ago or more..I was talkin with her b/f about flowers he had given me and how they were doin...She doesnt get into this talk at all..well after we walk outside she atrts makin comments like well your not makin any money doin yard work are you??How much do you wiegh now??I said dont know she said cmon you have to know i said no i dont...{ i have put on she has lost recently} she said oh welli m in better shape than you..i turned around and said why are you sayin this stuff to me..she says {laughin} i was only jokin..yeah right..Someone that really cared about me would never do this!!! She says liten up i was just jokin...Whatever i said then i left!!! She just sent me an email and wants me to go for coffee...I dont go anywhere i dont do anything..i am very very lonely right now and am afraid to cut her off and let her go....What is wrong with me???Sorry this is so long ..I am just really struggling today with this...Once i cut it off completely thats that!!! I know i dont deserve to be treated like this..anyone else goin through this or am i crazy??Thanks for listenin and startin this thread..i havent told anyone the things i just wrote here....It feels good to get it out!!!

[51anna]

I really am amazed that my expression of this issue in my life is mirrored by so many people. It's so reassuring that not only do we have similar issues in our lives, but we share and support each other. Everyone's response has been most interesting to me, particularly Paulie's. As she pointed out, this is the first time in a few years of sobriety that I've removed myself from a friendship. Before I drank I was so unsure of myself that something like this would cause me so much grief and send me into a tailspin. I was sober, but lost. I see that I have grown because, after a few days have gone by, I have absolutely no regrets over what I did! That's a big step for me - to take control of my life in such a way that I'm taken care of!!

You ladies rock!!

Love, Anna

[bubblze30]

I just today was remembering an old friend who still uses from time to time. This is why I am no longer in contact with her. See I descided to get clean and sober and she did not think she had a problem. She was in a relationship with a man whom I was not attracted to. One night she was out of it and I slept on the couch. Well our friendhip drifted. I thought it was because I did not use anymore. Came to find out she thought I slept with her man while she was out of it. It pained me so to see our friendship dwindle because of this paranoid thought in her head. She called me two months ago saying she was getting married to him and wanted me there.Mind you over the past years and some months she only calls while under the influence at two or three in the morning I told her sure. Mind you the call was at two in the morning and they were doing lines. I thought if she really wants me there she will call me back to confirm. She never did so I never went. I really cared a great deal for her and we were together always. I felt if I went maybe she would get all those silly thoughts again and I did not want to ruin her wedding night. Even though it would be her ruining it not me. The sad thing is I still think of her often. Its been over a year since she had these thoughts and I still think of her. I would never do that even to an enemy. My thought is if they are with someone a friend should never go with them even if they break up. Thats just me. Friends dont sleep with , date or anything with a friends lover or ex.

I am not quite sure why I had to write this but I have been thinking of her alot lately and wanting to call but I just don't feel comfortable because I know in the back of her head she still thinks I would do something like that and it hurts she would hurt me that way. I guess someday I will get over this pain I hope but it is sad for her to think that low of me. Should I call? Should I not? Who knows. Guess I have to learn to let it go of the frienship totally.

[ButterflyChaser]

Gosh Anna....that is so true about what you said about forgiving someone doesn't mean youhave to open back up to them (or something to that fact!!) You are such a WONDERFUL wholehearted :ilu individual, & I wanted you to know that! I'm sure it's gonna be a bit hard, but you'll do just fine, follow your heart, cause that will NEVER stir you in the wrong direction , I think you know that!
If I was there i'd give you a big ((((((((((((((((((((anna))))))))))))))))) have I told you latley :ilu hehe hope my reply makes you feel better!