a drunken sober mess of mom and me

[Iceberg]

I am exhausted! My husband and I went back east for the 4th and encountered a number of emotional land mines. I am still in shock by all of it, so I can hardly think straight.

First, my recovery has been a huge wonderful awakening (not easy by a long-shot but I still uphold the use of "wonderful.") I have worked hard in my rehab program and at staying sober at parties and dinners where alcohol is served so I didn't think it was going to be so hard being around family and friends in similar situations. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong as I was blindsided by such horrible feelings of shame and sadness seeing everyone drinking over this past holiday weekend.

My family hosted a number of get-togethers where a few people got so plastered and a number of arguments broke out. These arguments were so revealing and disturbing I found myself welling up with tears as old wounds were re-opened.

The mother of all land mines was... in fact... my mother. I saw her separate from the aforementioned mayhem but, it was a far worse experience. A little background, my mother drinks a lot and usually gets pretty darn salty when she's had a few. Most people find this to be witty, fun and entertaining but as soon and they all go home and we are alone things get ugly. Most of her anger has been directed at me over the years. Of course, I have not been a saint myself, however, for the past four years I have consciously tried to keep our relationship even keel. I am smart enough now to know that her pain stretchs even farther back than my birth and in many ways she is just as scared, hurt and angry as I was before I decided to get help.

The issue at hand right now is that when I revealed to that I had a drinking problem and entered into a rehab program I was a little scared she would feel threatened. Her husband does nothing to stop her, keeps her drinks flowing and dispenses such timeless (useless) wisdom as “you need to have a good filter on when you come home, my dear.� chuckle.. sip… sip. The grand enabeler.

I guess I am afraid of a number of things, the least of which is losing respect and trust of my mother. It has been difficult to have any over my entire life and I am scared I will finally lose my capacity to do so. When I entered into my program I also knew I might have to distance myself from people I love because they may harm my recovery. I see so much of myself in her because anytime someone else's alcohol problem was discussed in the family my denial got stronger because “my secret� was threatened. My twisted logic vacillated between "I am not nearly as bad off as this person" to "if I help this person I can't possibly have a problem myself" Now when I look back one thing did ring true "I" and “my secret� were ALWAYS part of the logic and… my denial pushed my health and happiness farther from me.

I now see her doing this and it frightens me that I might lose her forever especially because my husband and I want to have a family. I don’t think I could trust her if she was drinking as I have witnessed her saying terrible things to and about my niece and other children. I am proud to say that I have not stood by quietly either, reminding her that my niece… her granddaughter is just a child. Oh, how I wish I could’ve said that when I was 5.

[Rowan]

Hi Iceberg
I'm so glad you shared. I could identify so strongly with what you described; especially feelings of shame around your family. For as long as I can remember, I have felt like a fish out of water when I'm with family. I love them very much but never feel as though I belong, this was when I drank, and it's today now that I am sober.
My Mom and Dad both drink quite a lot but an interesting thing has happened since I got sober. I was terrified to tell them initially, and when I shared the truth about my alcohol problem they minimized it and told me that of course I didn't have a drinking problem. Thank God I didn't listen. I understand now that this forced them to look at their own drinking, and it also possibly hurt them that their daughter was drinking so much and they didn't know about it. Maybe it was guilt they felt. Anyway.
Initially I was sober 2 years. My parents continued to drink around me. They never shared with anyone (aunts uncles) that I attended AA etc. My uncle would offer me beer at the cottage and no one would say anything. I found my voice and politely but firmly declined the drink and when pressed, said I had stopped drinking. If they continued to press, maybe I would tell them and maybe I would not.
Anyway. After 2 years of sobriety I relapsed. I drank one night after a relationship ended and didn't want to deal with the pain. I had also developed an addiction to anti-anxiety meds, and I was dangerously suicidal, so I entered into a 28 day treatment centre. My parents and I talk often so I had to tell them I was going away, and where. They were shocked and went into denial mode, so I told the truth. About my suicidal ideation, my pain, my loneliness, and my addictions. They were hurt but they paid attention this time. I noticed something soon after I got home. They stopped drinking when I was over, or when we were at the cottage, or at Christmas. I have been sober 10 months this time around and they don't question anymore why I don't drink. I know they still take a drink when I'm not there but I don't think it's excessive anymore. I like to think that in part they are doing this to support me, and also perhaps they decided maybe they needed to abstain too. I don't know; it's not important.
As you grow in sobriety, your relationship with your mom will grow and evolve into something new; trust me on this. Lead by example. No need to go shouting glad tidings to everyone that you are alcoholic, just trust that you're exactly where you need to be, as is your mom, and I'm sure things will improve. I don't think you'll lose your mom. Maybe you need to detach for a little while. I had to, short term.
Sorry this is long-winded. I hope this helped somehow. Keep working your program, have faith that things will work out as they are meant to, and keep coming back! God Bless.
Love, Rowan

[zoomer]

Hi Ice, after all is said and done what I have learned in my life is acceptance of others. My mom died a year ago and it tok so mnay waisted years for me to get over my resentments and fear of her. At the end though I made peace and she did not die alone. LOL, my one brother was also there smoking so many bowls full of his pot that I thought I'd get a contact high too. It's all about "live and let live"

[KelKel]

Certain members of my family are very big trigger for me.
I love my father to death and love to be around him, unfortunately he was one of my best party buddies. He is an alcoholic who will probably never admit that he probably drinks a little too much.

My son, father and myself are going to visit family up north and I am working now to make sure I have all my tools within quick reach.

I had almost 6 months when I first got out of treatment, I went to Mexico with a friend to see my dad. I relapsed and it was not pretty.
That was over
3 yrs. ago and staying sober has been a struggle for me, coming here has really helped me to come out of my shell and start living life again.
I will have 60 days here soon...

I am truly grateful to be sober.

[Chy]

Hi Ice,
Be grateful you have the ability to be sober, remain sober, and have clear vision of what really is going on around you. It's not coincidence I assure you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you know as well as anyone, mom won't get it till she's ready, especially when she has the "support" to continue from family. But you my dear are the one that's important, perhaps, as you mature in sobriety, you'll share some of your experiance with her, and perhaps it will be just the words she needs to seek out help for herself. You did good, and I for one am proud of you!

[bubblze30]

Hang onto your sobriety with all your might. You can see more clearly now and you will se things that just don't sit right with you. Don't give in to these feelings. Sometimes we will and it just brings us more pain and embarassment. So stay sober and know that you are doing the right thing for yourself right at this moment of your life. Your mom must find her own way. We can never force recovery on anyone it just does not work. Your mom I pray will find her way. You sound so much better then the first times you posted. Hang on to that. You are a changed person and better off.

[namommy]

Ice,

I am very sorry you have to go throught this. I can't give you any words of wisdom, or experience, because I am the only addict in my family. I have nothing to compare it to. I just wanted you to know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Love ya

Laurie D

[historyteach]

Ice;
I agree, you have nothing to be ashamed of and you are doing one heck of a job! Keep it up!
Just one thought. Please don't project your fears into the future. Today is enough to take care of. Yes, you have seen your mom treat your neice poorly. And HURRAH for you that you have been there for your neice. Thats same thing may or may not happen with a future child of yours. But, you are aware, prepared and strong enough to take care of it if it does happen. That behavior is a model for your neice and a strenght of security for her and any future child you have. Just don't worry about things that have not occured, ok? It won't help you at all. And right now, this is about you.
Take good care of yourself.

[Iceberg]

Thanks everyone, your advice and support is the world to me!

I haven't heard from my mom for two days and I don't expect to for a while until I make some effort. She is pissed off again and this pattern is common, it could be months or possibly a year or more before we talk. Her birthday is coming up and I will probably send her something small, that could and probably will be taken the wrong way... but I'd rather not let her think I have no love for her... in fact I lover her so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For my own health and progress with recovery I guess I will have to put her on hold for a while until I am stronger. She is thousands of miles away so that's good right now. I pray for her and hope she finds peace, under it all she is such an angry, sad woman

XXOO Iceberg

[bubblze30]

I pray for her as well. It is so hard sometimes we pray that someone we love would get help and we feel so helpless we have no control over it. I ray she will find her way. It is good that you can let it go. Don't dwell on it. This will just cause you more heart ache. You have come along way. Don't let anything bring you down.

[Paulie]

Everyone has said it all already. All I can add is be grateful, extra grateful for your sobriety today!!!

[bubblze30]

How are you today Iceberg?

[Iceberg]

Not too good I had to go to the hospital last night for what turned out to be a pretty bad urinary tract infection and possible irritable bowel syndrome. Sorry this is so gross but some of it relates to alcoholism so I am keeping in a few details.

I have had all sorts of health problems before I quit drinking a month ago so I kind of feared the worse. My detox was pretty mild so I thought a lot of these problems were going to clear up now that I am sober. Most of them have, but the stress has been terrible (ie mom, etc...) I have had chronic indigestion for the entire time I have been sober ... then this piercing pain started in my lower abdomen the night before last. Last night it was getting worse so I went in, thank goodness it's JUST a UTI.

For the bloating, gurgling and cramping they suspect IBS, which I guess, is common with alcoholics (and 1 in 5 stressed Americans!) I am not drinking (27 days!) so it's probably a combination of a damaged digestive system from drinking and me feeling pretty low. Last night I was told to get more fiber in my diet and was prescribed an antispasmodic, which is working. The strange thing is that it has a lot of alcohol in it. I am not tempted to drink it so there are no worries there, it just feels weird to have something that says (only-LOL) 25% alcohol on my nightstand that's making me feel better this time.

Thanks for caring so personally Bubblze