Trying to make sense

[ajay]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting here, I have spent time just lurking about and reading posts and have finally plucked up the courage to start a thread.
As the title says I am trying to make sense of my life at the moment. I have a history of drug abuse and my latest run in was with valium. I guess I felt that cos it was precribed and not bought off the street that kind of justified me using it. Before I knew it I was using massive amounts and washing it down with spirits to get away from reality. It was my GP that pulled the plug on me and insisted that I had a problem and referred me to The Drug and Alcohol Team. I spent months clashing horns with my Substance Abuse nurse refusing to accept that I was an addict, it was only when I started to get back to my old ways with the street drugs that I finally gave in and started to listen. I have lost my job and very nearly my relationship too. I have started counselling on my abuse as a child. The problem I am having is trying to make sense of my past and why I turn to drugs at the slightest whim if I have any stress in my life. It all feels like a viscious circle right now, I confront my past, I then want to run away from it by using. Sorry if this post doesn't make much sense, I guess I just needed somewhere to vent. I feel like I'm trying to sort too much out too soon, but hey, if I was to wait for a better time would it ever arrive?
Confused and just about clean

Ajay.

[Paulie]

Ajay -

I am glad you stopped lurking and joined us. As you probalby already know there is some great recovery around here.

Well for me using to avoid pain became a habit, it is what I did for years. Finally I got sick and tired enough to walk through the fear and face the pain from my past. For me personally I do this with a 12 step program. You mentioned a counselor, have you ever gone to meetings? a great source of support for a program of recovery.

I had to lose everything, homeless, no job, lost everything before I was ready. That is not how it is for everybody, but that is how it was for me. you are not there yet and that is a good thing.

You have to make a choice, right now today, to get better. Coming here and reaching out for help is a GREAT first step and I am proud of you for that.

Keep posting, and look into some outside face to face meetings. that is what works for me and I can only share my experience with you.

I am glad you found us and starting posting, I look forward to getting to know you better.

[51anna]

Hi Ajay,

I understand what you're saying. I think it's very hard to face your past and look at it honestly and see what pain it has caused you. When I looked at my past, I saw that I had been making decisions based on fear for almost all of my life. This brought out so many emotions - anger, disappointment, confusion, etc. But, at the same time, it allowed me to begin to step out of the shadow and into the light. Now, I still make some decisions based on fear, but at least I'm aware. I guess I'm saying that it is a really hard thing to do, but it will be rewarding in the end. Hang in there and keep posting.

Love, Anna

[HHButterfly]

I know for myself, I have come to believe that I have always turned to drugs and alcohol because Im an addict. Sounds kinda simple but it makes sense to me. And the only way to really make things better is to not use and work a program of recovery. For me, its the only way that works. When I use my whole life goes down the drain.

Welcome and keep posting!

Heather

[zoomer]

Hello AJ and Welcome to SR. I guess for me is that I came to accept that my past will always be with me and I will always have to work on it. It kind of takes the pressure off on trying to deal with it all at once. I was a mess when I first came to SR. I'm still a mess LOL, but I can share my ESH with other who can understand and not feel not so alone. It's good you are working with outside help. Recovery is a process and I for one need all the help I can get. Today I want my life to be stable (not that it is much),but I try everyday! Anyway, welcome again and Paulie made some very good suggestions.

[Paulie]

Another thing about the past haunting us. I was told in early recovery that the past 'just happened' it is over now and we cannot change it. What we can change in today and how we act and treat ourselves and others today. Guilt and shame are all part of my disease of addiction and we can't let them eat away at us.

When I was in rehab I wrote a big sign and put in on the wall at the end of my bed. It said 'It just happened', to remind me of that every morning.

And remember, we are not the things we did, we are not the sum of our actions. today, sober I am a totally different person that I was in the past and I would not do things today that I did then. You are not the things you did.

[namommy]

Ajay,

This may sound insane, but I have found it helpful to look at my past honestly and then be grateful for it. All of the horrible things that happened to me and that I did, just brought me one step closer to the rooms of recovery. I love the program of NA, the fellowship, and most of all I now have a relationship with a Higher Power. I would not have found SR, or any of the other support systems in my life had I not gone through what I did.

I look at everything from my past and realize that learning from those mistakes makes me that much stronger. My past has played a part in making me who I am today, and I am happy to say that I like, no, love the person I see in the mirror now. That was not always the case. I still have days when self-pity and self-loathing take over, but I look back at my past and soon become grateful for who I am and what I have today.

I have gone from being a homeless heroine addicted prostitute, to being a strong, recovery productive member of society. That's awesome!

Hang in there, you will make peace with yourself.

Love ya

Laurie D

[indigo]

Ajay a big welcome to SR we are all here for each other and I look forward to getting to know you. indigo

Paulie thanks for "it just happened" I really needed that in this point on my recovery love Indie x

[bubblze30]

This post makes alot of sense to me. I went through the very same experience. However not knowing it at the time. I would go to counseling and before I knew it I would use. It took years for me to realize I was using because the past pain was so great I did not want to feel. Over time I have learned to accept the past and what happend in it. I can not change it but I can move forward and better my life today. So hang in there knowing is half the battle. I went through dozens of counselers now I have fond a good one and been with her three yrs and I worry if I were to lose her. I finally can talk about my past with out running to use right after. So hang in there you are well on your way. I am glad to meet you and hope to see ya in here again. It is good sometimes to know I am not alone. We can face the demons of our past together.

[ajay]

Thankyou so much to all of you that have taken the time to read and reply to my post. It seems so strange to be able to communicate with so many that can really understand and feel what I am going through. All through my life up until now I have struggled through alone, not letting anyone in as I was too ashamed of my past. Before, I never felt that I deseved any sympathy or understanding about my past and what I had done, it seemed to be different for me than for others who had gone through the similar hell that I had gone through. From the little bit of therapy that I have had so far I have learnt what a catastrophic effect it has had on my life, the way I cope with stressfull situations, how I behave when I lose control, and basically the adult it has turned me into. Yes, I am at my most vulnerable to using when I try and confront the painfull issues but I can honestly say that I am now over 4 weeks clean and have not given in to my urges. I guess this is why I am feeling so confused right now as it is the first time in my life that I have faced up to things without numbing the pain with drugs.
I have found myself the most wonderful counsellor and for the first time ever I felt the need to offload some crap, things that I had never dare tell anyone before in the past. Typically for me though the bubble had to burst and she told me last week that she was leaving and that I only have three more sessions with her, I really don't think that I have the energy to go through it all again with someone else. I can once more feel my barriers coming back up and I can't seem to control it, I've been here before and I am feeling very vulnerable.
Once again thankyou all so much for your kind words and allowing me to have a safe haven where I can vent my feelings and remind me why I'm not taking drugs.

Thankyou,
Ajay.

[51anna]

Ajay,

Congratulations on your 4 weeks clean! And, congratulations on opening up to your counsellor. It sounds like you're really starting to see the complexity of the problem. I'm an alcoholic, sober a few years, but I think an addict is an addict. I know I was always looking for a reason to go back to drinking. And, you know there always is a reason, always! I think this is the disease at work, encouraging you to give up. You don't have to, you have a choice. Hang in there.

Love, Anna

[bubblze30]

Hold on to your progress. Don't give up because she is leaving. Make note that she got you through a hard time. One door closes while another opens. You have four weeks you dont want to through them out. Look for another councelor before she goes. Ask if she knows of a good one to replace. Give yourself a chance you deserve it. Just dont give up. It is very impoortant for you to look back and see you made it through without using and you can continue to do so. No matter what don't pick up !!!

[ajay]

Thanks everyone
You are right, I think I am only starting to learn about the complexity of my problem. I had a long chat with my councillor yesterday about her leaving and she has already made a referral for me but wanted to clear it with me first. I don't know how it will work out or whether I will ever click with someone again but I have to try, I've come this far and am determined not to throw the towel in again! Apparantly the person I am going to see specializes in people who suffered a great trauma/traumas in their life, something to do with the eyes ....... anyone know what I'm talking about? My psychologist couldn't fill me in in great detail about this type of therapy but she did say that from what she knew it had been really quite successful. Anybody got a clue about what I'm babbling on about or did I dream it ! LOL It's quite hard these days to figure out what's a dream and what's reality!
Love to all
Ajay

[ButterflyChaser]

((((((((((((((((((((ajay)))))))))))))))))) Glad you made it over here, it's a wonderful start for you...best of luck to you

[zoomer]

Hi Ajay, yes I know what your talking about (it's not a dream LOL),but I forget what it is called,but it has to do with rapped eye movement while talking about your trama. I heard great things about it.

[jenniferaz1980]

Post dramatic stress syndrom. (spelling) (opps)

Ajay I can relate. But take it one day at a time and give this new person a chance. You dont know they may be even better.

Keep you head up! and Contrates on you four weeks!

[ssindi]

Congratulations Ajay, it has been interesting reading your post. Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of supportive people here. Keep working with a counselor to figure out your past but as I see no one has mentioned meetings. Have you considered meetings, some other means of support. I know for me this was very important and it helped me a lot. Don't be afraid. Do you have any other means of support, like friends you can talk to about this. I wish you continued success in all that you do.

[ajay]

Thanks once again to those that have taken time to read and reply to my post.
((((((( THANKYOU )))))))
Ssindi, I have been to one NA meeting but I felt really uncomfortable. I seemed to just sit there in complete denial, that was a few months ago though whilst I was still clashing horns with my Substance Abuse nurse. I need to be brave and get my arse off to another meeting but for some reason I feel so very nervous about it. I have accepted that I am an addict but I guess I really don't want to believe it, does that make sense? I have kind of gone into my shell a bit and I don't go out much for fear of putting myself in a vulnerable position where I might use, I am safest within these four walls! It's what is working for me at the moment keeping me clean but I can't stay locked away forever. Hopefully my anxietys will lessen soon and my recovery become easier and I will be able to trust myself a bit more, because at the moment I do not trust the addict that is within me one tiny, little bit!
About the therapy, oh yes, that was it! ........ something to do with Rapid Eye Movement ......... anyone got any other info on it for me?.... apart from that they have had some pretty impressive tracks out... I just love REM LOL

Love to you all

Ajay