Leaving the nest while im still IN the nest!

[dotcom]

Help me please, i have to leave the nest mentally but cannot leave because it is not time for me to leave yet. im not financially prepared. Plus i want an education before i leave. Please oh please oh please help me. I love my mom and dad, i do. I just am going to lose my marbles soon if I dont start building my own life based on what i feel is right, wrong, acceptable, unacceptable, etc. HELP! did i mention i need help???

My mom does not like my hair, etc. and then i feel like i have to have my likes and dislikes validated by her. and dammit i am frustrated. Why can she not just agree with me once? She always has to point out all the things she does not agree with me about! WTF?! Half the subject matter its regarding she doesnt even know s*** about!

I am pissed gurls. very pissed. I do really love my mom, but... WTF am i going to do?! Forgive my potty mouth. but geez... i can see myself in my house someday with my yard, fence, car, appliances... and it makes me happy. But until that day i want to make the best with my mom (dad may be a lost cause) so help me mentally leave the nest!

thanks!

dot

[Paulie]

You know Dot, the longer I stay clean the more acceptance I learn from others. I hate to say this to you, but I have to, alot of it has to do with your age. I was the same way with my mom at that age. Today at 40 it is different, this is something that you have to go through. At your age my mom hated my hair to and she would say things to me and I would get pissed right back at her and it would get us no where. I wasn't gonna change it. Today she doesn't like my hair much either (hates the blonde highlights I put in it). She askes me if I am gonna have it that way for the wedding with a snarl on her face, I say maybe and walk away. Shes asks what I am going to do about my tatoo for the wedding, I smile and say make it darker, wink and walk away.

She is who she is and so am I, it is part of life and part of growing up. Being your age is hard living with your parents. You will get through it, I promise.

Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear, but it really is the truth.

[Justme57]

' morning Dotperson

Have to say I agree with paulie ! sowwy ! my son HATED me , when he was your age , his mates knew better, their mums knew better, and Me ? I knew nothing ! lol

From a Mums point of view, she may be feeling threatened by your new independance, I remember feeling as if I was losing my son, in the couple of years before he went into the Armed Services. It is , or was for me , a scarey realisation, that soon, he would not need me , to provide , and care for him.
While you were sick, she could " care for you " but now you are healing, and taking responsibility for yourself , she can probably feel you slipping away .

I had to redefine my role in Shanes life , and start to mentally let go of him, it was very scarey , and it drove him nuts , I know , but it is a huge thing for a Mum, just smile sweetly, and nod , give her a hug , and continue on your way . Reassure her , that she will always mean a lot to you , and that you will always need her, but that you need your space to grow .

Humour her , dear Dot , laugh together , she may be feeling quite lost right now

LUV YA

HUGX
Lee

[Chy]

We love ya kid but I have to agree with Paulie too. It will get better, you'll learn to be more accepting of her way's as my mom didn't like anything I did, and I retaliated on all levels. But it's all part of growing up and learning to establish those boundries of acceptance from both sides. Though I changed mom never did, to this day at almost 44 years old she still voices unwelcome opinions! I think it's a mom thing, and I pray I don't ever get as bad as her with my kids.

[dotcom]

(((paulie)))

thanks for your response. oh pooey, its not going to change is it? what is all this acceptance business? do i learn to accept her now and hopefully grow from it? i just feel like a 14 yr old still and i really need some sort of freedom and space to grow up in. does that make any sense? i suppose in a way by working 2 jobs and doing school i am doing just that, but i still need that personal growing space that my mom says she is willing to give me, but does just the opposite! arg matey! i have considered joining a band of pirates... that ought to solve my problems! rock on with your blond highlites and tat. she has admitted... the most horrible words... she is my mom and always will be my mom... that means im always going to be a baby... i have GOT to grow past being a baby! in my adopted fam im the only child and in my bio fam in the baby so i get treated like a little girl and sometimes spoiled and made to believe that the world is on my shoulders because i cannot make the mistakes my other bio fam made or the world will crash down and i will be a failure. and that means i have to always listen to others in my family and feel that if i dont my own knowledge will lead me back to drugs and jail. like im incompetent to think on my own two feet. i say again, arg matey! can you see me in a pirate outfit? i would rock!

(((lee)))

thanks for your response! i think she is feeling like she is losing me. one minute im a dumb junkie in and out of jail then the next my life is focused around work and an education and there is not much room for family. i try very hard to tell her i love her, but i need to make this step or im going to land face first in the coocoo's nest! it is just so hard. always im someones baby and being single is helping me realize that i am not a baby! i am a person with ambitions! and darned if i dont feel so overrun by family sometimes... although, i know they love me and i want them to know i love them very very much. its just really hurting me. im a very insecure person, ive got abandonment issues and all that good stuff and i think this is a big step for me. i always wanted to never leave the nest and now im feeilng so guilty for wanting to, but i know i have to do this even though it is not the actual "leaving". your son is very lucky lee!! you must be a rockin mom! i will do my best to humor her and will not expect any liking of my hair... my cute cute cute hair! how can she not see the cuteness? LOL.


THANKS LADIES! ROCK ON!

dot

[dotcom]

(((chy))) you snuck in your reply haha! i suppose you all are right, she wont change and wont ever like my hair. i hate bangs just for the record!!! darn them to heck! i have to get a thicker skin and be comfortable with my likes before i conform to what everyone else wants me to be!

THANKS! AND ROCK ON!

dot

[Justme57]

btw Dottie

I meant to say
Your hair rocks ! and as for the knee highs ,and the mary Janes , what can I say ! Ha Ha

hey , I had to ask my American friend what Mary janes were LMAO but now I know , I can tell
YOU ROCK lol

HUGX
Lee

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((((Dot))))))))))), your normal! This is what helped me looking back when I was living with my in-laws and what I say to my boys now that they are living with other people. It's the adults house and their rules. My mum in law was so mean,but now looking back I can see where I could have made the difference if I was more mature. Heck I was only 2 years older than you,what did I know? As for my mom,um at times I was more adult than she was... I wish I had more rules growing up. My mom hated my hair short,so this past year I grew it out and got a perm. ugh, I hated it after awhile and now am back to my old style I like myself. I do look good in longer hair,but I like it short too with less fuss. My mom would pick on my wieght and was always incourgaing when I lost wieght and hold her toung when I got chunky,but I could feel her eyes on me... When growing up I was too fat, too dumb,too emotional too sensitive to all my family,but it was me at the end who took care of my mom. It's me who owns a house,it's me who got an education... Use all your exspericance to make you stronger and know it's normal to be different than your parents and also to have the same traits you hate about them in yourself too! Buck up girlfriend and as long as you stay in their house,you have to live with their rules and put up with BS at times. It's hard to do,but as P and the others say, try to laugh it off. Also looking back on my early 20s and some of the things i would wear,do and say make me shiver,but i was going through the times "the 80s"! Now my daughter likes Goth and was becoming out of control. She is at the point that she is getting good grades and acting human,so I say "wear what ever you want,just don't get mad if people stare at ya". So......... one step in becoming independant is to learn to laugh things off, numer 2 remember it's their house,their rules and number 3 is this too shall pass! Vent away Dot! One thing I know about my son is that he resented the fact he could not be more independant and took it out on me. Growing pains for both us and now he is gone with anger with a shove out of my nest

[51anna]

Dot,

I know you love your parents and they love you. But, you are fighting for your independence and your mother isn't ready to let go yet. It's so hard for moms to let go. I have a son and a daughter and it was so hard with my daughter. When she was 17, 18 she fought so hard to be her own person and I was terrified of losing her and I didn't fit anywhere in her life. It got worse, because my husband changed jobs and we had to move 2 hours away. Ali was in unversity, she was 19, and couldn't move with us, so we moved and left her behind. It was terrible for me, I felt like I was abandoning her, it was a physical pain. But, she thrived on being on her own and we saw her every week and we stopped fighting altogether. I guess the point is, this is a hard time for you and your mom and it really, really will get better. Try to rise above letting your mom get to you, focus on your goals and you'll be fine. And I hope your dad isn't a lost cause!

Love, Anna

[dotcom]

(((lee))) you rock!

(((zoomy))) yes rules are rules. i dont have a problem with their rules, when i did she kicked me out or id just leave and not want to come home for a long time. longest was four months. my mom trusts me now and doesnt mind where i go, what i do, even if i left for a few days. BUT one thing she said that i really hated was i HAD to tell her where i was going out of common courtesy if i went away. i am not used to that and ive got my own car and my own money but i cant go anywhere without telling her? meaning vacations or weekends. of course i am gone all day and she doenst know if im really at work or not but she trusts that i am. what if i wanted to go out with a boy for a weekend? not that i would, but what if? ive renewed my virginity and thought id give it another shot LOL but its this kind of thing that will make me reconsider! oh pooey to her. and with my dad, i just tell him where to shove it its terrible. hes quite the ass most of the time and my mom just nods when i say things like, yep... here we go again. but i never get in trouble because he doesnt show me respect and acts like a 2 year old. but, always i try to respect my mom and avoid parties and gang members out of respect for myself and her. but... if i do it for her then ill f up so i have to figure this all out. im not particularly rebellious, im not interested in going back to jail or being on probation i just want some space to grow but still have my mum. it will all work out. thanks for the reply!

[dotcom]

(((anna)))

you sound like a rocking mom! i do try to fit my mom in to my life, but i have to push her away too because i will lose my mind otherwise. i will try to look at the whole picture and be thankful for my relationship with my mom however draining it is on my being "free". LOL my dad is not entirely a lost cause, but i have written him off. just... its tiring i tell you and i say whatever i want to him becuz he shows me no respect and is a general ass. however, i am capable of respecting becuz i really respect my mom and want to go about this without losing our bond!

hugs,

dot

[zoomer]

LOL Dot,my son would get mad when I'd ask him to please call me if he was not coming home out of common Courtesy. O Dot people can't help but worry when some one is in a group (family,house,gang,even on SRF) when they don't get a check in once in awhile. When my son did not call me for 3 days,the first day i was pissed,then a little worried ,then frantic! In my minds eye I saw him being jumped and dumped on the side of the road,but the whole time he was "trying out his independance and getting drunk and high"... If he heard my voice, I'd be ruining his fun! Now if he was out for the weekend with a girl,um I'd remind him to put on his rain coat,but after that it's none of my bee's wax

[dotcom]

(((zoomy))) LOL i have never liked checkins... my dad would always micromanage me and that made me want to be out even more! i suppose if other people "checkin" that i could too. haha. i think if i was out being independent, which would be probably just sleeping in a fancy hotel and taking bubble baths that it would ruin my "independence finding space" and i would feel again like a caged animal. arg matey! i am going to join a band of pirates zoomy... heeheehee... still waiting till im married (renewed virginity) but you never know... although i would not be an idiot again and id be sure to take proper precautions! that is for sure! rock on zoomy!

hugs,

dot

[zoomer]

Ya know dot you just might be exsperiancing the cadged in feelings. I get them from time to time! I want to run away too! I don't know about pirates though mate,but would love to be on the ocean right about now Now girlfriend about your renewed virginity... After a little while you will look back on those exspericances as esapades of youth and the man (or men) who get to be lucky enough to sleep with you get have a well seasoned woman! I use to be ashamed how many guys I slept with in my youth,but that was before i knew why I did. I was needy for something I lacked,plus the fact that I was also being used and so was my youth. Now I can honestly say that I am the best lay my husband has ever had or ever will have (can't say that about him LOL),so now I look back after being a good girl for many years that my youth has taught me many things and I use them to my advantage! Rock on Dot girl with your head held high! Just for the record, you are a very independant person! Ugh, I shudder when my daughter's grandparents would try and run my life,but I must say I learned a lot from them!!!

[bubblze30]

Hi Dot. Oh how I remember living at home. Now that I am older I would know how to deal with it better. Our parents always want to be right. My suggestion is stick and stay. It is hard enough to pay for school could you imagine rent, bills, fool. You will be out of school soon enough just hang in there. I know it sucks. Just let her think she is right try hard not to correct her and try to just hell it sux but let her think shes right. When you finish school you will make enough money to live on your own and it will all pay off.

We all have isms even if we did not drick or do drugs . There are so many isms out there.