Just a quick vent

[dotcom]

Let me see... this morning i had trouble getting up. still so tired from the weekend. and i had to get ready for work etc. i am sick of having bangs so i decided to just put 2 strands of them down and slick the rest back. there... i needed a little change. i have been needing to do something like get another piercing on my ear or tattoo on my back, but figure this is much healthier and less permanant. so i get dressed, the house is chilly so i put on kneehighs, jacket, jeans... go outside and its a friggin desert. its ok though, dot has it under control.

then i remember i have to put all this crud together and take it to the college, find the teachers mailbox place and make sure i get it there sometime today completed. when i finished my paper, i was so happy i forgot to copy all... and i mean all... of my cited sources then highlite the sentences i used in my paper. so, i get to work and use the copy machine. a bit pissed that darnit i just lost work time because i spent an hour doing that copying and highliting then putting it all in some order and stapling. i am really losing money because of school gurls. it is so not cool. on spring break i was happy as a lark because i could stay till 8 and just work on my work projects not having to worry about some stupid paper or worrying about having to rush off to class. every second of my day except when im waiting for the phone to ring (like now) is consumed by thoughts of school and work. but, i like thinking about work more than school.

ok. i get to school and it is friggin hot. i walk around in circles getting so lost it was miserable when in fact i had parked right next to where i wanted to be. i get there and thank goodness it was air conditioned in there. i made sure the lady at the desk knew who it was for becuase im not trying to go do all that work again! and besides, if she loses it i dont have copies of it, i only have copies of the paper so i might as well go dig myself a nice grave because this lady at the desk is my only hope!!! i got the feeling she cared, but not enough to have it in her box immediately.. what if my prof comes in and the dumb cul has not put the papers in her box???

at this point im starving so i race accross town to my other job and stop in at a submarina for a turkey sub. well, the line was long and i had to pee so bad i had to leave my spot in the line and go to another restaruant to pee then come rushing back hoping the line had disipated only to find it had grown. so, i get to the lady and the dumb cul heard wheat when i said white. stupid dumb cul lady. then, i say turkey, no mustard so she starts to spread mayo. and i say NO! i want mustard not mayo! then the lady puts on avacado which i wanted and i say "thats it". then she puts on tomatoes! i was getting very pissed, hungry, tired, hot. i tell her just scrape it but she insisted on making another. so, then some guy cut his finger and got blood on another guys sandwich and that freaked me out. but apparently there was none on mine. so i went to the register. the lady says, $16.85 please! and i say, WHAT! dumb friggin... i held my toungue though and 15 minutes from when i arrived i left with my samwich.

gotta go for now, rock on.

[dotcom]

so then i get to work where i munch on my sandwich. the coworker who i never really liked had his groups going and chose to leave his door open. well, between munching my samwich im making copies so that means im up and down and scurrying. his room is right in the middle of the office and everytime i pass he stops to give me dirty looks. well, he should keep the damm door closed! i dont really care, because in 3 years ill be working full time for the state... who by the way does hire people with records and mental problems so im set. then my jackcul coworker starts talkign about the memos i leave and laughs about them. i am ready to give him a piece of my mind. he is too sensitive to work here, and not to mention way disorganized. i cannot be expected to overlook his disorganization or i get in trouble. but, oops, i forgot.. he is perfect.

then a person comes in saying they are not in the program but have an appointment. that is not how it works so i try to get the full story. that little punk. he is in the program. i called the other office and asked him what his name was and he said it with an accent. i had no clue what he said and i was like... what am i going to say to the other end of the phone? rrriekkkrrreooo?? i had no idea what his name was and had to aske him to say it in a way i could understand. how embarressing. hmmm... lets see... if your going to be in an english speaking program wouldnt it help to speak a touch of english???

so then some other guy calls talking about getting in trouble with court and i give him a piece of my mind very assertively. pathetic cul 40 year old complaining because he cannot get his crap together. and, dont expect any sympathy from me. ive seen them come and ive seen them go and i know the games they play with the therapists and secretaries and they dont fly with me. i dont care how urgent his problem is, becuz the therapists dont just drop everything to take a call from some guy who just violated probation because he "accidentallly" hit his wife again, or didnt pay child support, or is so pathetic he doesnt even have a friggin job. its called, GET A JOB. hello? if your living with your mom and your not mentally or physically handicapped and you have got po's breathing down your neck you ought to get a d*** job! i cannot speak about the active drug users, but most of the guys are not active drug users, just really friggin lazy and think their moms and girlfriends should pay for their court ordered classes.

ok................................................ ...... :asthanos:

[Paulie]

Well Dot, quite the day you have had. I hope your evening is much better. $16.85 for a sandwich!!LOL

Even when we have crazy days like you did....we still have to be thankful that we are sober.

Tomorrow is a new day my friend.

[dotcom]

thank you paulie,

i just needed one good vent and i should be fine. feeling like a mental patient has really aggrivated life. although, slowly its improving its not going away as fast as i would like! im trying so hard to do healthy things and its helping. but... i still dont feel like i am doing well. although i know in my heart that i am.

i just want to get a tattoo but realize that i will not be fixing anything with a tattoo, just aggrivating my enjoyment of "hurting myself". and i was doing well with eating healthy but blew it and ate a butterfinger and starbursts today. its not a joke! but i keep thinking it is! i get real low blood sugar and should just drink fruit juice and start on a healthy diet but noooooooooooo... i have to go and eat candy bars which will only prolong my suffering.

and i cannot seem to get myself to call a therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor. i just feel too overwhelmed although venting has helped and i hope to get in to see someone anyone on friday. a good nite's sleep is in order and ive got some frozen pizza in the freezer.

tomorrow is a new day! yes!

thanks for the reminder, i think im done. :bunny1:

dotster

[Ann]

Dot

I am so sorry you are having a bad day, and even sorrier that your telling of it has me in tears laughing. It IS really funny Dot - you should be a writer.

Anyway (she says trying to hold a straight face), I hope tomorrow is better

Hugs and thanks for making me chuckle ( well actually for making me fall off my chair laughing at how funny you tell it)

Ann

[Paulie]

dot -

It is okay if you are not done kiddo, vent away! We are listening.

You have a sense of humor, I believe that is key in life to be happy. And you know tomorrow is a new day and can be better.

As for those candy bars , just kidding. It is okay, for your food plan, tomorrow is a new day too.

[dotcom]

LOL ann and paulie! yes, now that i look at it its pretty funny. im feeling ok right now, just studying and soaking my poor infected toes. have you ever had ingrown toenails? no fun. no fun.

theres just so much crap going on, that around every corner there is something else i have forgotten or someone who will flip my switches! i have been doing great with sort of "detaching" from what people think of what i do. i was hanging onto that for so long and then i really worked on letting it go. of course that makes me "the bad guy" but who wants to be any "guy" to someone who only cares about the 15 months ago dot.

so, im studying for my math test tomorrow and have turned it from a mountain into a molehill. i am going to go in early and have some time with the prof so i am set on what exactly im doing. there, one hurdle jumped! and then i have to go to the library at school tomorrow which used to seemed like a mountain but since ive been there a few times im okay with it. and i have to fill up my tank. this is all in between job number one and job number two.

and at job number two my other disorganized coworker will probably look right past the neon sticky notes i left him and ignore the fact that theres an audit coming and i need him to have people sign things. so im buckling my seatbelt for that. i just sort of gave up caring because of the fact that the therapists dont care about paperwork, and im not old enough for them to hear the words that are coming out of my mouth. and that one guy... id like to see him lose his job. yeah, i said that. i think that would be worse that beating him up, because he thinks hes so high and mighty because of his job.

well ladies, thanks for helping me laugh! im sure there will be more to come. unfortunately. im feeling like one of those really old beat up cars that has to drive all over the place and im losing my muffler every 20 miles. but its alright because eventually things will even out and my mental state will find some balance and maybe ill even get to the foot doctor! who knows?

rock on for me!

[dotcom]

last vent for the day and im calling it a night. tonite i was studying and studying and my dad... he is such a cul. he is passive aggressive and a "dry drunk". very frustrating. just when i think he is going to do something out of kindness he pulls his "acting like a 2 yearold" routine. i am so ready to move out!

i have to go to a play for my eng class and review it, and he offered to take me. well, it had to be done right when he wanted it to be done. i just had dinner at 9 pm because i had got lost studying and then as im putting the first bite of pizza in my mouth he pulls his routine. of course, i should have expected it. what the hades does he think i am going to do? even when i did "give in" to his manipulation he wasnt nice, so theres no point in me giving in.

plus, im 20 and i dont give a flying **** about what he thinks. its actually very sad. hes a well educated man with a real anal personality. adhd. cul. 2 year old. i usually just tell him to shut up and where to stuff it. i think thats just sad. i dont want to say those things but he is such... #%^%*^&$#%@!$@##%&&%*^# ... unfortunately i dont want to move out until i have a bit more education and a better paying full time job (with the city who hires mental ex cons!).

so im stuck with the cul and my mom. my mom rocks. but my dad. even my ex didnt like him, the one thing i can look back and say, "we did have something in common". i mean, no wonder i was with a 34 yearold! i had no "dad". well, of course i did but he left much to be desired. like... he didnt care about my events or at least le me know he cared. so, natural instinct is to say f it.

thanks for listening. maybe my dad will run off to mexico or something? although i dont want to think too positive...

rock on for me.

dot

[zoomer]

LOL Dot, that was no quick vent! You win the prize of the venting contest LOL!!! Poor girl though,you have so much on you plate! I'm so proud of you making it though all this not using and everything. (by the way what was in that sandwhich for $16?). One day you'll look back on school and be amazed that you actually did all that! And your normal with the type of schedule you have to think about it all the time. It's called consentrating,not obsessing Vent away dear girl! Did you know also that a lot of collage students put on wieght? Your brain is working so much that it triggers the hungrys!!! Your normal Dot and venting is sooooooooo healthy! ((((((((((huggys)))))))) I'm always thinking about you and so very proud of you!!!

[zoomer]

PS Dot... I ate taquitos and cheese and 5 chocolate chips cookies last night with a huge glass of milk. So off my diet it's not even funny! Your not alone in the pigout department.

Heres to cookies
and pizza with cheese
may my tummy not
sag down to my knees.
It's just a slip
off my diet no more...
soon I'll stop eating
before my a-s-s hits the floor.
So one more day
of candy and subs
I'll ignor my thighs
as I walk while they rub...
At least I'm sober
and at least Dot is clean
as visions of ice cream
dance in our dreams

[dotcom]

(((zoomy))) yay im normal! big sigh of relief. thanks for the encouragement zoomy! im feeling so much better today! my poor samwich... it went through so much! it had turkey, avacado, mustard and lettuce. oh so yummy! but the lady kept messing it up! and i said... "16.85 for a foot long samwich???". it was just outrageous and i spent more time there than i did at the school, haha. i love the poem! you should write a book of silly poems zoomy, youve got talent! thanks for listening! im all better now.

hugs,

dot

[Paulie]

Dot -

Have a GREAT day!!!!!!! :kisshug:

[In memory of miracle]

Dottie ! I love ya! I must admit I laughed till I cried! You tell it wicked funny! :kisshug: Prayers to ya...Trish.

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((((huggys))))))))))))) glad you feel better! I'm soooooooo tired (PMS) alls i want to do is sleep!!! LOL, rock on Dot!!!

[bubblze30]

Quote"i dont really care, because in 3 years ill be working full time for the state..."

I just wanted to remind you. This stuck out of all that story. You are going to look at all this and remember you did it. Through all the pain, heat, and being tired.Oh yes and dont forget the jackasses, You will one day be able to relax and thank god he gave you the strength to get through it all.
So remind yourself in three yrs. it will all pay off.
For me I never finished highschool not to mention never seeing the inside of a college. I am proud of you Dot. You are an inspiration and I know that you will make it. You have the drive so many others desire. Hang in there and know some day it will all pay off. When you do need a break though I suggest you take it you dont want to kill yourself getting there.

[dotcom]

(((paulie, trish, zoomy, bubblz))) today has much improved. my male assistant invited me out tonight although i cannot go because of school. i did feel special though! he complimented me on the way i run what ive been given and that made my day! ive shared with him im an addict, and he is very supportive of my sobriety and clean time. this morning i woke up 15 min early to do a clean up. just a little, but it made my day better. and then i tried out a new eyeshadow, "sugarberry". kinda purpley with black eyeliner... it rocks!

thank you for all the encouragement ladies! and bubblz, thanks for that reminder. i keep forgetting that someday i will have this all behind me and be somewhere that i am more appreciated. i plan on taking another break this weekend! woohoo! i think a shopping spree is in order... heeheehee... no jackass boyfriend or dope sack to spend my earnings on... just me and my dreams! yay!

thanks again ladies, you all make my day so much brighter. i was feeling so depressed and like a mental mess. still do, but its improving slowly. i will rock on and i plan on going to the fair this summer, eating all the fatty foods, then going on the rides! i dont get car sick so i could eat an entire pizza and hop on a rollercoaster and be fine!

heres to a drug/alco free summer!

dot

[In memory of miracle]

((((Dotty)))

[wakowife]

oh dotcom: just vent away, it does help. sorry that you are having such a hard time, maybe you just need to meditate for a little while or do something nice for yourself and tune out the rest of the world for awhile. keeping hanging in there and we are all here for you anytime you want to vent away or you just want to let off some steam and especially if you just feel like talking. you know that we are here to listen and help if we can

[dotcom]

(((trish, bern))) you ladies rock. it really does help to vent. i am sometimes just... grrr... im sure you ladies know! one things for sure, im going to continue to hang in there, im an adult now and have been for 2 years. there is no excuse for using or drinking anymore! much less was there one when i was a minor.

anywho, much thanks to you ladies! this morning i got up early and did some more cleaning! yay for me! made my bed and picked up the general mess which will help me feel better about coming home instead of dreading setting foot at home!! i figure, if i just do that every morning, the evenings will be free for homework and relaxing. yah! well, homework is sort of relaxing... i can sit on the couch and do it!

i have two infected toes and am trying my darndest to get them fixed up. im putting antibiotic crap on them and soaking them and i think (knock on wood) its working. i am determined to take care of myself! or i will end up in the coocoo's nest.

yesterday evening was rough with habits and rituals (ocd). i felt like my body was in the middle of a circus or something. and then i got a little into self harm but did a step 1-3 on it and it helped a little. funny, i used to do that for attention in 8th grade and now it is something i have much difficulty warding off. i can go for long periods of time without doing it, but then something happens and i get back into it breifly but it seems like an eternity when its an obsesssion.

and... the shower is broken so i have to take baths and then haul myself up after im all relaxed and clean. im not very strong, haha.

perhaps today will rock. i dont know. i hope so.

hugs and rock on,

dot

[dotcom]

oh yeah, and i really dislike my mom today. was going to say hate, but that just sounds too mean. but i will say #$^&$#$$#%#@##%$%^%^$^#$@#!#$%#^$&$#@$%@%#&^$%&$.. . now i feel better

[zoomer]

((((((((((((((((Dot))))))))))))),not tight shoes until your toes are healed!!! LOL, at least your venting to the computer at not at your mom! Hate is an OK word, I use it all the time. I don't really mean it,but it sure feels good to say. Good that you got the cleaning bug, ugh I need a little of the bug myself! Now what is this I just saw you write, self hurting? No good dot I'm glad you did the 1 2 3 step on it. I'v only do it a couple of times in my life and and I don't know why I did. It was not for the attention, I just went nuts O... I now know how stupid it was to harm myself and write poetry instead although I have yet to write this time around.... Huggys and your doing great! O'ya it's OK to be a kid sometimes like ice cream before dinner and jumping in a rain puddle...