here I am

[daybyday]

I am 38yo mama to three wonderful children and I am an alcoholic. I have tried quiting without help many times. I was successful only three times; during each of my pregnancies and for up to a year after. I always told myself that I would not start again, but I always did. :cries2:

I have so many "reasons" to drink and so many to quit. I am very involved with my children. I homeschool, attachment parent, extended breasfeed etc. I am just a drunk, too.

I hide it from them all the time, but I know it affects them.

My husband is an alcoholic also and we want so much to quit together. He has been through recovery, but because I would not go he relapsed. I hope so much to quit this time.

I am really interested in hearing from other mamas. I feel we carry the most shame. At least I feel shame. I told my mother once but it just did not seem to sink in. Other then that I have NEVER told anyone (except my dh). I feel totally isolated. I hate the thought of seeing other people or leaving the house. This is so hard when your children deppend on you for EVERYTHING.

I started drinking when I was about 12. I think it is so damaging to start as a child. I have read that the alcohol replaces those chemicals in the brain the create the feelings of well-being and that it is much worse for children. When I stop my skin crawls, so to speak. Anyway, enough for now.

[51anna]

Hi daybyday and welcome to SR. I didn't begin drinking until my children were in their teens and it carried on for about 3 years. I've been sober now for 3 1/2 years and you are right that the shame and guilt is overwhelming. It's only recently that I began to be able to release some of the shame, but whether I will ever forgive myself or not remains to be seen. I, too, never told anyone at all and was very isolated. I did manage to stop drinking though and have continued to stay sober. This site is a great support! You will likely experience withdrawls when you stop drinking and there's not a lot you can do about that. You may want to go into detox and/or talk to your doctor about stopping.

Love, Anna

[Justme57]

Good morning Daybyday! It is so good to meet you

My name is Lee, I too, am an Alcoholic ., and a Mumma, but mine is now grown .

I started drinking in my 20's , to enable me to feel comfortable socially when i was first married , and it just continued in for 37 years ! I am only 6 months sober , and believe me , I know the shame very well!This disease of ours is a progressive and fatal one .

Mine led me to be friendless, anxious, and as you have said , I could not leave the house , except to work, I drank alone behind locked doors , afraid of everything. I had a constant feeling of doom, and was very paranoid .

In my earlier drinking days , it caused me to emotionally neglent my son, and because of my fairly recent drunken behaviour , I have been cut off from him

and my 2 beautiful grandies .

I strongly advise you to go to your GP and be very honest with him re your drinking , it can be dangerous to detox alone .

I chose AA as my method of gaining Sobriety , and I believe I owe them, and their programme my life , simple as that .Ring them and have a talk to someone who sure will understand .

This sis a great place for friendship and support , so keep posting , and i look forward to getting to know you . let us know how you are going

HUGX

Lee :elephant

[daybyday]

thanks so much. I am TOTALLY afraid to go to my doc about drinking. She is kind of a friend and when dh went to her a few years ago she STILL asks me if he is sober. It makes me feel weird. I live in a small community where I lots of people know me. Sigh. I would love to get on something to make quiting easier. I have thought of just going and telling her I am TRULY depressed and anxious. Which I am. Maybe that would be enough.

Today (as I have for at least the last week) I feel very nervous, low, undermotivated. Sad. I have a hard time doing anything. I do feel chemically that I am way outa whack.

Thanks for the support. I know from quiting before that the first week is the hardest.

[Justme57]

Hi again Day ,

From my experience , I felt " out of it " and unbalanced for months , still do on some ocassions , drink plenty of fluids , and rest when you feel you need to. I know it must be hard in a small town, but I think you might find that your Doc already knows of your problem to some extent, 9 we think we hide it , lol) and she would probably be a great help to you .

We are here for you , post away , anytime , as I am in Australia , I am often here at odd hours , and would be very happy to yak to you at any time

Good luck

HUGX
Lee

[Chy]

Hi day!

Welcome to SR. Many of us alcoholic mom's here who can relate. I started isolating late in my drinking career. For the most part I did what I had to but not what I needed to wrt my children. I had great guilt and shame about my adult daughter having to grow up with a drunk mom. My son, now 13 is grateful he has a sober mom to participate fully in every aspect of his life. It's good to be sober and you can find a means of love support and friendship here. AA is what got me on track but there are many options for you. Stick with us we're a great bunch who have been there!

[daybyday]

Thanks so much you guys. This is huge for me to tell other women . . . . mama's too!! I feel kinda excited! (she says clicking her heels) What a big weight to carry around. It feels sort of lifted and I do not feel so alone at this moment. (of course the house is a mess and I should be working!!)

[51anna]

As has been said, feeling out of whack is what you'd expect in the first week and probably longer. Just give it a little more time. Anti-depressants did not make quitting drinking easier (I know, for me anyways, because I did it both ways). What they did was to help me care about staying alive. The motivation to stop drinking still had to come from me. But talking to your dr may still be a good choice. Hang in there and keep posting.

Love, Anna