just plain tired

[wakowife]

i dont know if it's all the cold weather that's getting to me or if it's everything that i have been going thru. but it seems to me that i am just plain tired, literally. there are days when i dont want to get out of bed, like today, i never even got dressed, this is starting to worry me, this is a sign of my depression setting in big time, i went to my shrink and he increased my meds, that usually takes 2 to 3 weeks to finally kick into the right place. i'm not sure that i c an hold on. there has just been so much pain and suffering and destruction in my life lately, that i just want to give up. the 5th anniversay of my brothers death just passed on the 9th, and now Valentines Day is a day that i always looked forward to, it was a day of peace, love and joy, one to be shared with those you loved and loved you./ not i literlly want to erase the day off the face of the earth, i look at all the store windows decorated and it makes me sad, you see Valentines Day is one year that i lost my mom, and i would give my life to get one last moment with her. i never got to say I love you, i never got to say how much i cared or how much i needed her in my life, but most of all i never got to say good-bye.

my thearpist tells me that i am being selffish, it was her time to go and she was in so much pain, that she just needed to let it go. i dont see it that way. i look at it as it was the one morning that i didnt go stright to my moms house and when i got there she was already gone. i blame my self for not being there with her. i know that i will never know what really happened or when she actually passed, but maybe if i had been there she would stillbe here today.

any opinions??????????????????//

any suggestions??????????????????????????????????????? ??????/

Bernadette

[2stop]

~Bernadette~ I am so sorry for the grief you are experiencing. My heart aches for you. I know you must feel so drained, so exhausted. grief is such hard hard work, I admire you Bernadette, you are still fighting, you are still working so hard to deal with this. Maybe a grief support recovery group would help? I wish I could just hold you in my arms and tell you it will get better, I am going through a bit of a struggle and heartbreak myself and I know how hard it is to get out of bed, do the simple things, just to breathe seems to much energy....I am sending my biggest most comforting, most loving hugs I have Bernadette. Hang in there. My prayers are always with you. We love ya girl....
If you need to talk, someone to listen, to unburden your soul, shed some tears on my shoulder, please do not hesitate to ask, PM me....I am here for you Bernadette, and I know you are going to make it....and we're right beside you, holding your hand, sharing your grief, and hopefully helping to halve the sorrow and support you in any way we can.....Remember.......

YOU ARE LOVED............ :redrose

[Paulie]

(((Bernadette)))

I dont' have any wise words of wisdom to offer but I will say that it was her time, you had nothing to do with that. God has a plan for us all.

You need to take care of YOU right now.

Keep talking about what is going on!!! We are listening.

[zoomer]

Burn, Last night I was crying again. I'v been overwhelmed too. My grief process comes and goes. I did a whole lot for my mother and even got to say good bye,can't say it was a good thing either to be honest! Anyway, I was a little pissed at her last night and I threw something of hers because while taking care of my mother, I was not taking care of me or my family very well. I can't take back the past Burn,but I can do something with my feelings now that does not hurt anyone. It felt good to throw something against the wall without anyone in the room. Ofcourse old hubby herd me and came running up. Too bad he did not come up earlier or He would have been the target of my mothers' nick nack and I could have gotten over my anger at him too at the same dam time LOL. It's OK, I sort of got him back by going out tonight and buying tons of stuff. LOL, I just told him how much I spent and he is like freaking out. See that's what he gets for asking me while I'm on the computer. LOL! Gurrrrrrrr get angry Burn!!!

[51anna]

You know Bernadette, things happen for a reason. They really do. Even if you don't see it now, it still happened for a reason. And, I believe that your mother is with you and knows how you feel and especially that she wouldn't want you to feel such sadness. I hope you're feeling better, that the meds work for you and you get a bit more energy. And, I agree, the long, cold winter can be a real downer. It's been so cold here, it's just not fun to go out. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Hugs and love,
Anna

[wakowife]

thanks all y ou guys, Anna : i have heard those very words so many times in the past year, " it was her time" "it's was the way God wanted it" "there is a plan for all of us" " there was nothing that you cou ld do" Do any of us know that for sure. i'm not lashing out at you, but as much as i think you are probably right, i still cant help but blame myself for alot of it, it's hard to explain. we were never close and when i finally reached out and we were starting to get close, she left me, by no choice of her own i'm sure, but all in all it's still the same she's gone and she is never coming back. and ZOOMER: you are so right about being pissed off, i'm not only seriousely hurting to the point where i cant feel any more, but i am down right pissed off. i''m furious with God for taking her and i'm pissed off at her for going. does any of this make any sense??????????????/
sometimes i feel like i'm really losing my mind. it's not "NORMAL" to be p issed off at someone who is dead. is it?????????????//

Bernadette

[zoomer]

Bern of course it is normal to be pissed off at someone who is dead. I e-mail my mom at times and the last e-mail, I was telling it was her turn to watch over me and my kids. LOL. Sort of an indirect way of talking to myself or God or my mother. Ya, i get pissed, but there has to be a healthy way to deal with it. I told my shrink that I fear my anger. Someone wrote that depression is anger turned inwards. Get pissed Bern, you have every right to. Cuss at god, cuss at your mother, try not to cuss at the kids , cuss out hubby. A good old fashion cuss fest works for me. I threw my mothers nick nack and maybe I'll be pissed again next week and throw something els (alone in a room whith no one to hear me because I'll upset someone). Now on another note Bern, we can sometimes hold on to our depression because depression is addicting thus the depression holds us without us knowing or meaning to hold on to it. (((((((((((Bern)))))))))))Also I go to Grow.com it's a grief web site and they all give out hugs to anyone who needs them. It's a chat room and they ask you to talk about your feelings and it's OK to feel!

[wakowife]

Zoomer: i'm willing to try the chat room , but right now i'm not feeling, that's the scariest part for me, tonight both of my kids went to a Linkin Park concert, and it's the first time hubby and i have had any time alone, we went to dinner and we hardley said a word to each other, over dinner i informed him about how i feel, just sad, alone, not needed or wanted, and i told him that if i didnt show up at home it would be days before anyone missed me, and that would only be because there would be a sink full of dishes, i also told him that i want to move out of Feb 1, for a awhile, i will rent a r oom, he wants to work it out but we got home he puts on the tv and dont say a word to me, i tried toexplain to him that this is exactly what i'm t alking about, even when he is here, he's not. i'm scared because i'm shutting down emotionally
today my brother called to tell me that he hasnt been working because of the weather and that his live in girl friend is only working about 19 hrs a week and that there is no money for rent of food, etc. i told him i dont care, yo u see i am the administrator of my mom estate and there is a law suit pending against the city of New York, he wants me to proceed and accept the first offer they make andi wont do that, so he tells me he will go to court and have my name taken off the papers, HA! i will tye this thing up for a very long time, so you see i dont care any more, i know that there is a baby ( 4year old) there, but the mother is 38 and the father is 36 grow up and get a real life, they used to pull this on my momevery winter and they got me 2x already this year where i ran to the store bought food and meat and delivered it to tjere ( they live 2 hours away from me)

my husband tells me that all i ever do is c omplain and yell and scream at everyone, and i just dont care anyore, my attitude right now is do as i say or else all hellis going to break loose.
right now he went to pick up the kids from the concerts, and when he gets back my son is grounded for 2 weeks and he's not allowed near this computer for a month. he's going to learn that he will be 17 in 2 weeks and that he doesnt have any right to tell me when, where how why or who. i'm just plain tired of it all and now i riding rough shot on everyone


sorry to go on and on , i just needed to get this off my chest

Bernaddeet

[51anna]

Wow, Bernadette, I am sorry you had to make the decision to move out. It must have been hard. I understand where you are coming from. I, too, felt so alone and taken-for-granted during the kids teenage years and my husband away so much of the time. I felt like I was just a part of the house! I do hope things work out for you the way you would like and I admire you for being strong enough to take steps to help yourself. And, about your brother - it's not your problem, he does need to grow up, I think. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Hugs and love,
Anna

[zoomer]

((((((((((((Bern))))))))))))), of course you fed up! I get that way too! Although I can't just pack up and move to a room because I don't have my own money,but there are times I just want to get away for a little while. I think fo rme too Bern that when I yell, I get so upset at myself because it does the kids no good and I get all upset that i'm making them upset. I'm seeing a shirnk now to help me over come that because I want to fix me and not eveyone around me. If I fix me, then the chances are that my children will do better. I'm OK with that! I love my children so much bern and it really upsets me when I see my depression hurting them. Athough I am human and how much can a person take right? Now my children or at least my older children a prone to depression too and boy does their anger get bounced off me. So, somethimes when I get attacked, I flip and start yelling. I do try and see all sides of the story and their feelings Bern,but there are something I will not take. As hard as it is for me to "be the parent", I have to draw the line. LOL, Bern I wish i could just go to a nice warm place and veg out and relax for a while,but then I'd worry about my kids the whole time! So, I go out and shop to get away from things here. It's not the spending money, it just to get out and walk around and get my mind off of things. I don't even havet o buy anything although my family is alwasy in need of something. I talk to people mostly the casheers and they are like my friends. They know a lot about me and I know a lot about them,so I do get a little vacation just about everyday. Find an out Bern just to do something for yourself or move out to a room. Sounds good to me!

[liveweyerd]

wakowife,

I do not want to live without my antidepressants. That's just a truth in my life. And, yeah, if they just changed the dose....it takes weeks. For me it takes 6 wks and it still takes several more to really stabilize and strengthen me.
So, don't forget to take them everyday...and say to yourself...."this too shall pass"...I have done what I needed to and it is a matter of time.

hugs,
live