Losing partner over addiction

[Steelpaws]

So, here I am, nearly one year into recovery (though I did have a one month relapse over the summer) and nine years into a relationship with the love of my life. She's great. We met in the Army, we served together, we've moved together, we've loved and lost and grieved together. We own a business and home together and two great dogs. She was really supportive when I first told about my addiction and my wanting to go into treatment at the beginning of last year. Then, she went w/the Army to Afghanistan. At the same time, I was in the process of renovating our building and opening our business - a pizzeria. It was very stressful, but I knew that I was doing it and all of the work and my recovery for the good of our future together. Then, all of a sudden, and probably because I was finally in treatment and not numbed by alcohol and opiates, I finally remembered the cause of the PTSD that I'd been suffering for years. I remembered that my father had raped me - many times - when I was young. I realized that my whole life was a lie. Every time we moved, as a child, it was not for a better home or better job - but to run from the social service people who were curious about our home life. And so much more. So many more lies. I was crushed. And, I relapsed. And when I did, I commited fraud to obtain pills. I wrote fake prescriptions. And when I did, I did something terrible. I used her cousin's DEA number to do it. I got caught. Was arrested. All is going well with my case, though. Turns out the police and DA understand and have more empathy for my situation than my partner does! When she returned, she was distant and said that it was due to the combat stress of being in war. It was not long before the truth that I suspected would come out did come out. She no longer trusts me (no **** - neither do I!). She's no longer in love. She can't love an addict. Shes ashamed that she introduced me to and got me involved with her family. She can't face her family because of me. She can't stand that I chose to use drugs over being with her. She can't stand that I could relapse again tomorrow. She can't stand that I chose, I chose, I chose! I DID CHOOSE! I chose to live and to numb my pain and,yes, I did an awful thing and am very ashamed of my behavior. And, I am being judged in a court of law, as I should be. But, she can't see anything except that I betrayed her, used her family, and chose to use pills over being with her - and it's the relapse that bothers her more than anything. I try to explain that relapse is a part of recovery and that my addiction has nothing to do with her. I try to explain what I was experiencing with the severe flashbacks and that I'd been taught, as a very young girl, to use drugs to numb the pain. That now I was not doing this any longer. That I have new coping skills. To no avail. She's been to counseling with me only once, about one year ago. There is always a reason she cannot go to see my new counselor with me now. She refuses to join nar-anon or to go to any meetings or to get a counselor for herself. She keeps saying that she wants "her old life back" and that she wants me to "fix all of our problems". That I betrayed her and that she'll always be looking over her shoulder and she simply cannot be with someone who uses drugs. I have no inclination to use drugs, but she does not believe me - and has no reason to! I understand the betrayal - I've been there. But, I keep asking why she is making my problem into her problem. She says that it IS her problem. She wants a period of a trial separation to see if she can trust me again. This is not what I want, I want to see if we can work out day to day, to go to meetings and counseling together. I can't see her making this committment (after all, it is MY problem) and know that she won't (I've asked). At this point, I'm trying to see if I'm being selfish or just plain self-pitying for feeling pain over this. Maybe I am just a scumbag that everyone is ashamed of! Maybe I have no right to feel pain or betrayal over this. Maybe it is not justified. I feel betrayed. I feel as though I got no support through my addiction or the PTSD from the one person who should have been there. Or in building this business. Or in keeping our home in order while she was away. Or in recovering from remembering the rape. She just keeps pointing to how hurt she is. And, to her, the only option is this "trial separation". So, we are selling the business, which is fine with me b/c I really don't like running it, anyway. We are selling our house. She is taking another Army assignment, this time in the states. As for me, I am applying for consulting jobs and will move wherever my new company wants me to be. And, according to her, we will date (each other) and "start over". But, should I be looking to do something else? Like just break it off entirely? I can't help but feel that I am with someone who lacks compassion or empathy. She has empathy for everyone else. She sees the good in everyone else - no matter what they have done. She refuses to see that this is a disease and that I coped the only way that I knew how and that I am truly lucky to be alive, given the childhood horrors that occurred (there is much more that I'm not saying - to include having a totally disable mother, a brother who I was close to who committed suicide, and another brother who hates my guts). I feel as though she should give me credit for having survived and for having the courage to even be in recovery. But, instead, she is only blaming and seeing how my addiction impacts her. Any thoughts? I'm sure that many of you have had similar experiences with spouses, husbands, girlfriends, lovers, or whatever! I am simply crushed....
Nicole

Hi Nicole,
I am so sorry...Is there any way,you can get her to a good alanon meeting? I'm a amember of alanon and as part of my recovery,I went to one open AA meeting and 3 alanon meetings(many more,when I was at my bottom) a week...there is no way anyone can do that and still not understand that it's a real disease...Trust is hard to regain,but it IS possible!
Take care...I'll be thiking of you,Vampy

[51anna]

Hi Nicole, I, too, am so sorry for your situation. I can totally relate to you saying you coped the only way you knew how and you were lucky to be alive. I was suffering from chronic physical pain and depression and after visiting countless doctors, counsellors, etc. , I began abusing alcohol. I felt I had no other way to cope. Unfortunately, people who have not experienced that, have a really hard time understanding. And, my family expected me to 'fix the problem' too. Luckily for me, my husband stood by me and things worked out well. You said she is open to dating you so maybe, gradually she will begin to trust you again. As far as you not thinking she is compassionate enough, you could be right. Maybe she feels she cannot handle the situation and just wants some distance. I think time will tell.

Welcome to SR. Hang around and get to know us.

Love, Anna

[Paulie]

Hi Niclole and welcome to SR -

Time, you never know what is going to happen. I was listening to someone in a meeting the other day talk about how when they went to make an amends to a loved one and said "I am sorry for the way I hurt you when I was using" the loved one did not accept the apology. Then someone else is the meetings shared about how sometimes with amends and loved ones it takes time, Time for the person to trust you again, actions speak louder than words. Give her time to take care of herslef while you are taking care of you.

there is a plan, we just sometimes have to get out of our own way.

Good luck and I hope you stick around and get to know us all better. there is a great group of people here and a wonderful support and friendship.

I am sorry for the pain you feel, I truly am but try and give it time.

[boop64132]

Nicole,
I am also sorry for your situation.It is never easy trying to gain ones trust back.But in the long run after time,Things will be better
than before, hopefully with her.....but if not you can go on and start a new life,sober I might add.

Good luck to you.Hope you stick around,so we can get to know you better.