Trying not to use

[MaryE.I.]

I'm sitting here trying to decide how not to use the weed I have in my pocket. I got it out of my husbands truck this morning and I have been carrying it around all day looking for the opportunity to smoke it. Some time when no one will know. And that time has come. I'm in the house by my self....I have a lighter and a pipe...yet I can't seem to let go of my sobriety. I will have 4 months on the 18th. Yet here I sit.....torn....my life sucks weather I am using or not. I even called my sponcer. No answer. It figures. I keep thinking of how I was before I stopped using and I see no difference. I still want to use...I thought after a while I would start to feel better. Maybe not want to run from this life as bad as I do. What is the secret? I read this morning the third step prayer, matter of fact I wrote it twice in hopes of being able to remember it always, you know like the serenity prayer....so I can use it to battle this sickness that I know has a grip on me so very tight I can't breath! Yet here I sit, actually contemplating getting high. It's only weed! Why does it rule my life? It's not supposed to be addictive....Pot Heads are ok people....I just can't be one of them and I know it in my heart. I keep thinking of when I sat in my bedroom with a gun to my head because I hated my life and who I am, that was almost 4 months ago yet I still want to use...What is wrong with me? Why can't I just leave? What am I afraid of. Why can't I just tell my husband I can't live here if there is pot around. And then do it. Where is the courage to change the things I can. I feel like I have no spine. Sorry for being such a winer, I really glad this outlet is available. I feel like I should get out my phone list and call someone.

[Paulie]

You absolutely should pick up the phone and use those numbers.

Things do get better, I PROMISE you that. It takes time, we didn't become addicted in a day, so easy does it! Have you heard that before? It is so true.

Take the pot and get rid of it, flush it, do something to get rid of it. It will only make things worse, not better.

Hold on to your 4 months!!!!

How about a meeting? Can you do a meeting today? that is the best thing, use the numbers and get to a meeting.

[boop64132]

Mary,
I agree with Paulie,flush it down the toilet!Tell your hubby that you cant have it around!Be honest with him.If having it around makes you want to use......then tell him!!

hugs and prayers