busted him!!!!

[wakowife]

my son occassionaly hangs out with these 2 guys from school, and they dont live in our neighborhood, one of them always shows respect when he comes and calls, the other i just dislike all together, he's rude and left a very uncalled message on my answering machine once and never appoligized for it, i really dont like when my son is with them. well last night he tells me that they are coming over to hang out. they he told me they would be here by 7:30, at 8 he said they weren't coming by 8:30 the one i dont like called, at 8:45 my door bell rang it was them, they all go into the basement and then 5 minutes later the one i do like c omes back upstairs and says that he has friends waiting outside because they didnt know if my son would be awa ke or not so he had to tell the friends that drove them, they were staying, at th is point i picked up the phone and went into the bathroom with it and called my husband home from work, something in my gut said something was wrong. sure enough the door to the basement was locked and there was nobody down there when myhusband got home 30 minutes later, but the smell of pot and all the evidence was there, the wrapper from a philly, the large ashes from a philyy the knife to cut it open, i started to flip, we got into the truck and i knew just where togo, there is a 24 hour store that i found out is selling cigs to my son they went there for another philly i was sure of it, they were walking home by the time we got there, my son swears that he wasnt smoking but that they brought it and asked if they could lite it, he said yet. i dont believe him, i personally think he is smoking pot. imean he was smokeing cigs for about 4 months before i found out what do i do about this, my husband had a long talk with him thismorning , but i'm about to kill him whenhe gets home from work

Bernadette

[Paulie]

(((Bernadette)))

As you know I am an addict in recvoery, the one thing I can say in hinesight of when I first started using, is consequences. There were never any consequences for me actions as a teen or early adult, I got away with everything.

And as for you, you are powerless, I mean you can set up rules for your house and follow through with them.

God Bless!!!

[wakowife]

i just dont know if i can handle one more situation, they seem to be coming at me from all directions, and the minute i say anything about what i feel, i get told it's my own guilt. my husband doesnt usually back me on situations until they finally hit him square in the face, and we deffi nately dont agree on how to deal with a situation such as this. but i can tell you this, he is grounded for a week, stright home after school and work, and no computer for a week. i just d ont know what to do anymore, i am about to lose control and go balastic

Bernadette

[Paulie]

Okay first, remember to breathe!!! Good he is grounded, consequences, that is a good thing.

Ya know Bernadette, I really dont' know what to say. I have 2 almost step kids 9 and 13 and we are not there yet.

Maybe sometimes we do speak from past guilt but that does not always make what we say wrong.

For me, I have to practice every day looking inside myself and reminding myself that I am strong and not to listen to others. My SO jokes about everything, it is hard sometimes to have a serious conversation with him, even about serious stuff. I used to take it personal, I had to practice telling myself that it has nothing to do with me.

How your husband deals with things is on him, not you. I know that is hard when you find your son smoking pot.

Remember powerless over everything but ourselves.

[wakowife]

you are so right, it's just that sometimes i feel like him and my son are more friends than father and son and that my son takes advantage of that. yes, it's great that they get along, but i believe my husband has to draw the line some where, remember if i get in the middle my past in thrown up into my face, and that's not fair either, usually when i have a gut instinct like i did, it usually means that something is wrong, my hubsand tells me that i'm over reacting and he believes that my son didnt smoke but let his friends do it, even at that he should have none better. i also believe that if my husband was home at night alot of what is going on wouldnt be. i dont think he would have taken a chance like this if my husband was not working nights.

Bernadette

[2stop]

~Bernadette~ Hang in there, my friend. I know how diffucult it is when the H doesn't agree on how to discipline, and set the rules down, he will do it, but questions and puts down the way I do it, an dI am the one home with the kids all week. I am expected to keep them in line regardless, I feel like a drill instructor half the time, not allowed to let my "troops" fail, and God forbid if I should vent my frustratiuons with the challenges of parenthood..it is automatically...I am not raising them right, I need to be more strict, I ned to take charge and demand respect. In theory that is accurate an dwould work perfectly, but in the real world of parenthood, raising children is so very hard, it is not black an dwhite, set the rules, and then all is well, there are infinite situations arise that challenge us, but Paulie is right, we are only responsible for our part and what we can do, but as for harmony in the household, I understand where you are coming from, but thank goodness I do not have to deal with teenage stuff...my heart aches for you Bernadette, but you just do the best you can, and let your Hp sort out the rest. The stress of trying to make everybody happy in a family is a sure prescription for feeling crazy, insane and frazzled to the point of literally pulling your hair out. I sure feel for you....Hugs and prayers coming your way.......

[Paulie]

That is rough when the dad is not home at night, but Bernadette both my parents were home at night and that did not stop me. I know that is not very consoling but it is true. If a kid wants to get high he will.

Stay strong and stick to your guns.

[wakowife]

like i told my husband last night, ther is a difference in being a parent and taking responsability, he needs to get more involved with theere lives than he is, i asked him if he knew any of the names of my daughters friends,, he couldnt name a s ingle one. now that is someone who is not paying attention. i tried to explain to him the disipline is one thing and responsability is another and he needs to get a gr ip on both.

Bernadette

[Juls]

Bernadette,

That is rough, and maybe what I'm about to say won't go over well, but if it was my son, and I do have a son that is now 27 that i raised, I would give him more hell than he could handle. A week is nothing. He would lose all priviliedges and have to earn them back. I would take the door off to his room, and tell him that he wasn't allows to hang out with those kids, they would never be allowed in the house, never call. I would take him to some NA meetings, I say take because I would want to be involved too. I don't believe in just laying out consequences to make a kid suffer, but as a way of teaching responsibility. I would tell him that the next time I suspected he was doing drugs I would report him to the police. It wasn't drug related, but I did call the cops on my son once.

I know this sounds pretty rough, but I am so afraid for my kids to get on drugs that I have been tough about this issue since they were five years old. I have always talked to them about the dangers of alcohol and drugs, and told them what would happen if they ever experimented with drugs. Fortunately my son saw first hand a friend of his get messed up on alcohol and drugs and has not ever touched drugs, although at 27 he has a drink when he goes out with his buddies.

I don't know if all that preaching is what kept him off, but I just wanted to scare the crp out of him when it came to drugs so that he wouldn't even want to try it.

Juls

[zoomer]

((((((((Bern)))))))))) if it's not one thing of another!

[wakowife]

tell me about it, will it ever end. my husband finally says he understands what i am talking about, i asked my son to do something tonight while i was at school, and he started to cop an attitude and i let him have it, and my husband just sat there without saying a word and then i let him have it, and then i gave it to both of them at once, told them if things dont change drastically, i'm moving out, i refuse to live like this. enough is enough now and i know i cant take any more

not now, not especially in the next month.

Bernadeettt

[wakowife]

see that cant even spell my own name

[Juls]

Bernadette,

Good for you for taking a stand. It really is the only way. What does that Dr. Phil dude say, something about teaching people the way to treat us? People, particularly our kids and family will treat us the way we let them treat us.

My son wasn't bad, but he definitely started getting out of control, and I had to use some serious tough love on him. It was really hard to, because he was my only child at the time, he had had alot of health problems, to the point where he could've died, and I was not a consistent parent at all with discipline and boundaries. I learned though, and he eventually got the message that he couldn't manipulate his way around me anymore.

Now I have a daughter, she's only seven, but OMG, she can really work it with the tears trying to get her way. I am starting to be very firm with her now, because I do not want it to get out of control, and if I can't control, (I don't mean literally her every move) her now, I'll have no chance at all when she gets to be a teen.

Juls

[wakowife]

you are so right, well last night before i left for school we had another blow up here, i asked my son to do me a favor because the chicken i was making for dinner wasn't ready yet if he could take it out of the oven when it was and him and his sister could sit down to eat, i had everything else done. he caught an attitude and one thing led to another, but then he turned to go down stairs to h is room while i was in the middle of talking and my husband just sat there and said nothing and then i turned on him and told him that this was his fault for letting my son get away with everything, well he made sure my son came back upstairs and listened to everything i had tosay, and my husband actually took my side for a change . lets see how long this is going to last

Bernadette

[2stop]

(((((Bernadette))))) Big hugs coming your way my friend. Sorry you are having such a hard time. If I could, I would come to NYC, pick you up, and we'd go out and just have some fun!! No kids, no husband, just girls wanting to have some fun.....Raising a family is so hard. We need a break now and then. do something nice for yourself, k? ***Hugs***

[Juls]

Bernadette,

I know how emotionally exhausting it is to fight these kinds of battles, particularly when your husband doesn't back you up like he should. I tell you, as much as i love my son, and I am very happy he's on his own, because when he comes over and we have a disagreement I can just tell him to go home. Even at his age, sometimes when I ask him to help out when he's here, he gets an attitude like "I don't live here anymore, so why should i have to help out." I tell him because I took care of him and raised him, and supported him, and that's what families do, help each other. I shouldn't even have to give him a reason as to why I am asking him." He always does do what I want, but it's that whole to do over it that just drains me. He is getting better though. I sometimes wonder if I raised him to be selfish because he was an only child, had alot of health problems, and so I didn't ask alot of him growing up.

Juls