Husband - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Lost3000 · 05-01-2012, 11:20 AM

Ugh. I'm fighting with my husband. All the crap from before, well, it's still there, only now I don't drink and smother out my feelings.

He just hung up on me about an hour and a half ago. He called me, right before taking a test at school. He told me the grade did not matter.

He has been dealing with vertigo for the last 2 weeks. He's seen docs but no real answers. It's 80% better he says.

So in the phone convo I bring up the guy I met at an AA mtg who specializes in balance, vertigo. Husband gets mad about it, says I only care about our upcoming vacay (in 2 wks), and says he can't rush this. He's supposed to have a balance test soon but I feel it's a joke and physical therapy would be better.

Anyway, he gets more pissed and hangs up. Before when I drank I would have called back and yelled - this time I left it alone. But I'm MAD. And HURT.

He texted me a pic shortly afterward and so I thought maybe he was trying to play nice. I called about 1/2 an hour later and he still sounds like a jerk, says he's driving (on speaker phone). I say, can you please not hang up on me? And he comes back with, can you not bring up touchy matters right before my test - in his most snotty mean voice. Can you just hang up the phone when I say so? (Really what is was was him talking over me nonstop about what he wants to do and me saying "ok").

I tell him, look, I feel like I talk to you in a respectful manner but you do not. He says, well, I'm driving and don't have time for this.

I realize all the substance of our talk is pretty pointless, because what's really bothering me is the tone in which he talks to me. I'm sure me telling him that will go right out one ear, as I've tried to tell him before, believe me.

I know we are stressed. Me with my sobriety (4 months) and him with vertigo - and our upcoming vacation is quite the damper.

Because of all this I'm not nearly as excited for a vacation as I normally would be. I'm thinking of canceling.

And what I feel like saying to him is "I hate you, I don't want to talk to you again you stupid *******, you make me feel like ****". NOW, those are just my immediate feelings and definitely not the tone of our overall marriage. I'm sure lots of people feel this way in the immediate aftermath of a fight.

Should I talk to him about canceling? We have talked before and he keeps saying, no, I'm doing much better, I want to take the vacation. But after the conversation today...Should I shut up and let him get over it as I know he will?

I have this tendency to be brutally honest with him. It works most the time.

My biggest struggle with all of this is knowing whether I'm overreacting to him, whether most of it comes from my own fears/issues, whether he really is being an ******* but because of the vertigo so I should overlook it??

nel68 · 05-01-2012, 11:47 AM

Lost, I would give it a little time (later in the day or a day or 2 ) and then try to talk it out,and go from there..... I know I used to get so dam mad and be up for a fight when I was trying to get my point or express my feelings with my husband and he the same way..It was kinda like locking our heads together and not seeing the other ones point/feelings..but the last several years the majority of our arguments, I have learn to put a little space in the heat of a argument and then talk it out later. Which helps alot..... Or sometimes I just make a silly comment of it, to get us out of something I can tell is gonna turn ugly when its not worth a argument. This actually works alot for me... I hope your day gets better.

FlyerFan · 05-01-2012, 11:48 AM

Well I'm not married but I currently live with my boyfriend of almost 2 years and we bicker a lot about stupid things like dishes and cleaning, etc. We have only really had one major fight in my sobriety and we worked it out eventually.

However one thing I can't stress enough is let him know when something bothers you, and make sure it is clear. Becuase for a long time I bottled things up and kept my feelings and thoughts to myself and it has ruined all of my past relationships. This time around with my sobriety at stake i have made it extremely clear to my current boyfriend that 100% open and honest communication is essential for our survivial.

It is hard, sometimes you get mad and just want to give up and scream, but you gotta try to stay calm. Pull him away from whatever hes doing and look him in the eyes and be like "listen, we need to sit down and talk, this is how i feel about_____" and then ask him how he feels and try to work it out.

Lost3000 · 05-01-2012, 12:17 PM

Hey all - I just talked to him. He apologized and we talked quite a bit. Unlike me, he rarely shares his feelings. I told him that I understood he is probably worried and frustrated and just wants to get better. He told me he's depressed about the whole thing. He told me that me constantly asking about canceling the vacation drives him crazy as he wants to go no matter. I told him from now on I'd drop it.

The control freak in me wants to know if we are canceling so I can get the paperwork together, etc. And the selfish in me wants the comfort in knowing whether we'll go or not.

We got him scheduled to see a physical therapist who specializes in vertigo. Only, I just now realized the appointment is scheduled for my work retreat (out of town) so he'll be alone in driving to and from. I'm not sure if we should move the appt. now, so I can drive him home when the appt. is over. I talked to my husband and he says don't worry, I'll be fine. I told him to take a cab home if he has to. We live in a burb outside our city and a cab will be nearly $50 to get home!!!

My work is becoming a huge stress now that my husband is battling the vertigo. I don't know what to do about it. I feel I can't do anything, just ride it out. They are having this stupid retreat and it's been said to me that I need to go in the interest of keeping my job. I HATE THAT. A threat to leave town with these jerks or else.

Anyway, we talked. Things are better between us. I think it's me with the problem. I'm stressed to the MAX and am having a hard time dealing with it.

Lilmssunshine · 05-01-2012, 12:18 PM

I think you should GO on the vacation. Sounds like you both need it! It may end up bringing you back together. Until then perhaps you guys should just give each other space to be stressed alone.
I also can see where he is coming from as far as his test goes. I get super irritated when anyone says anything other than positive stuff several hours before a test. That doesnt give him an excuse to speak without kindness though. He needs to communicate that he needs several hours of space prior to a test.
Best of luck on destressing and reconnecting on your vacay! *Hugs*

Lost3000 · 05-01-2012, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilmssunshine

I think you should GO on the vacation. Sounds like you both need it! It may end up bringing you back together. Until then perhaps you guys should just give each other space to be stressed alone.
I also can see where he is coming from as far as his test goes. I get super irritated when anyone says anything other than positive stuff several hours before a test. That doesnt give him an excuse to speak without kindness though. He needs to communicate that he needs several hours of space prior to a test.
Best of luck on destressing and reconnecting on your vacay! *Hugs*

Thanks. He says he wants to go no matter. I promised to not bring it up. I'm hoping that this agreement will leave me free to be looking forward to the vacation.

I probably should have been more positive during the convo. He said the grade didn't matter due to his grade status, so I thought it was ok to talk about it.

I'm hoping the trip does bring us closer together. I think we are close now, but are having a hard time with outside influences.

Lost3000 · 05-02-2012, 09:01 AM

Hey all,

Just wanted to post a quick update to you.

Yesterday ended quite nicely. I talked more with my husband and he apologized more and talked to me more, which was very surprising for me. He has a hard time opening up and I believe that my recent sobriety is helping our relationship in that aspect. Because now I'm accessible whereas before I was drunk and so not accessible.

He really is worried, upset, depressed, frustrated about the vertigo. I can't say I blame him. BUT, he's doing better everyday, it's just very slow going.

We had a late night out - me getting my gowns hemmed (for the cruise) and him getting fitted for a suit, then dinner. We didn't go to bed until midnight!

We talked forever about my work and our upcoming cruise. Things we want to do on the cruise and how relaxing it's going to be. I shared my fears with him.

I also realized I'm insanely stressed over work. That's another issue for me to work on. I feel it's directly related to my sobriety. Meaning, I'm more self aware now, and am not in the alcoholic haze which covered up much of my frustration at work. It relates to my identity and self-esteem too. I'm working on it.

Things are much better today. And I realize, no way would it be this good if I was drinking.

Thanks everyone for the responses and letting me rant. I am so grateful to have you here and have SR.

FlyerFan · 05-02-2012, 05:52 PM

Ironically I had a small argument with the boyfriend this evening (i sent him to the store for 5 items and he returned with 40, lol!) and then I went to a meeting and guess what the topic was? Relationships in AA. Lmao. I was like "omg i have to go post this!"

Lost3000 · 05-03-2012, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FlyerFan

...I went to a meeting and guess what the topic was? Relationships in AA.

Wish I was at that meeting!!!

FlyerFan · 05-03-2012, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost3000

Wish I was at that meeting!!!

It was pure irony. It seems that whenever something is bothering me, I go to a meeting and the topic seems to be exactly what is bothering me.

05-01-2012, 11:20 AM	#1 (permalink)
Lost3000 Sober since Jan 1, 2012 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Colorado Posts: 1,407	Husband Ugh. I'm fighting with my husband. All the crap from before, well, it's still there, only now I don't drink and smother out my feelings. He just hung up on me about an hour and a half ago. He called me, right before taking a test at school. He told me the grade did not matter. He has been dealing with vertigo for the last 2 weeks. He's seen docs but no real answers. It's 80% better he says. So in the phone convo I bring up the guy I met at an AA mtg who specializes in balance, vertigo. Husband gets mad about it, says I only care about our upcoming vacay (in 2 wks), and says he can't rush this. He's supposed to have a balance test soon but I feel it's a joke and physical therapy would be better. Anyway, he gets more pissed and hangs up. Before when I drank I would have called back and yelled - this time I left it alone. But I'm MAD. And HURT. He texted me a pic shortly afterward and so I thought maybe he was trying to play nice. I called about 1/2 an hour later and he still sounds like a jerk, says he's driving (on speaker phone). I say, can you please not hang up on me? And he comes back with, can you not bring up touchy matters right before my test - in his most snotty mean voice. Can you just hang up the phone when I say so? (Really what is was was him talking over me nonstop about what he wants to do and me saying "ok"). I tell him, look, I feel like I talk to you in a respectful manner but you do not. He says, well, I'm driving and don't have time for this. I realize all the substance of our talk is pretty pointless, because what's really bothering me is the tone in which he talks to me. I'm sure me telling him that will go right out one ear, as I've tried to tell him before, believe me. I know we are stressed. Me with my sobriety (4 months) and him with vertigo - and our upcoming vacation is quite the damper. Because of all this I'm not nearly as excited for a vacation as I normally would be. I'm thinking of canceling. And what I feel like saying to him is "I hate you, I don't want to talk to you again you stupid *****, you make me feel like *". NOW, those are just my immediate feelings and definitely not the tone of our overall marriage. I'm sure lots of people feel this way in the immediate aftermath of a fight. Should I talk to him about canceling? We have talked before and he keeps saying, no, I'm doing much better, I want to take the vacation. But after the conversation today...Should I shut up and let him get over it as I know he will? I have this tendency to be brutally honest with him. It works most* the time. My biggest struggle with all of this is knowing whether I'm overreacting to him, whether most of it comes from my own fears/issues, whether he really is being an ******* but because of the vertigo so I should overlook it??

05-01-2012, 11:47 AM	#2 (permalink)
nel68 Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Somewhere over the rainbow Posts: 1,935 Blog Entries: 10	Lost, I would give it a little time (later in the day or a day or 2 ) and then try to talk it out,and go from there..... I know I used to get so dam mad and be up for a fight when I was trying to get my point or express my feelings with my husband and he the same way..It was kinda like locking our heads together and not seeing the other ones point/feelings..but the last several years the majority of our arguments, I have learn to put a little space in the heat of a argument and then talk it out later. Which helps alot..... Or sometimes I just make a silly comment of it, to get us out of something I can tell is gonna turn ugly when its not worth a argument. This actually works alot for me... I hope your day gets better. __________________ [Gratitude] turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ― Melody Beattie

05-01-2012, 11:48 AM	#3 (permalink)
FlyerFan Woman in AA Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 1,144 Blog Entries: 49	Well I'm not married but I currently live with my boyfriend of almost 2 years and we bicker a lot about stupid things like dishes and cleaning, etc. We have only really had one major fight in my sobriety and we worked it out eventually. However one thing I can't stress enough is let him know when something bothers you, and make sure it is clear. Becuase for a long time I bottled things up and kept my feelings and thoughts to myself and it has ruined all of my past relationships. This time around with my sobriety at stake i have made it extremely clear to my current boyfriend that 100% open and honest communication is essential for our survivial. It is hard, sometimes you get mad and just want to give up and scream, but you gotta try to stay calm. Pull him away from whatever hes doing and look him in the eyes and be like "listen, we need to sit down and talk, this is how i feel about_____" and then ask him how he feels and try to work it out. __________________ "Sit back, relax, and look at the world from your multi-colored glass."

05-01-2012, 12:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
Lilmssunshine Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Where my Dog is Posts: 145	I think you should GO on the vacation. Sounds like you both need it! It may end up bringing you back together. Until then perhaps you guys should just give each other space to be stressed alone. I also can see where he is coming from as far as his test goes. I get super irritated when anyone says anything other than positive stuff several hours before a test. That doesnt give him an excuse to speak without kindness though. He needs to communicate that he needs several hours of space prior to a test. Best of luck on destressing and reconnecting on your vacay! Hugs __________________ What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

05-02-2012, 09:01 AM	#7 (permalink)
Lost3000 Sober since Jan 1, 2012 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Colorado Posts: 1,407	Update Hey all, Just wanted to post a quick update to you. Yesterday ended quite nicely. I talked more with my husband and he apologized more and talked to me more, which was very surprising for me. He has a hard time opening up and I believe that my recent sobriety is helping our relationship in that aspect. Because now I'm accessible whereas before I was drunk and so not accessible. He really is worried, upset, depressed, frustrated about the vertigo. I can't say I blame him. BUT, he's doing better everyday, it's just very slow going. We had a late night out - me getting my gowns hemmed (for the cruise) and him getting fitted for a suit, then dinner. We didn't go to bed until midnight! We talked forever about my work and our upcoming cruise. Things we want to do on the cruise and how relaxing it's going to be. I shared my fears with him. I also realized I'm insanely stressed over work. That's another issue for me to work on. I feel it's directly related to my sobriety. Meaning, I'm more self aware now, and am not in the alcoholic haze which covered up much of my frustration at work. It relates to my identity and self-esteem too. I'm working on it. Things are much better today. And I realize, no way would it be this good if I was drinking. Thanks everyone for the responses and letting me rant. I am so grateful to have you here and have SR.

05-01-2012, 12:17 PM	#4 (permalink)
Lost3000 Sober since Jan 1, 2012 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Colorado Posts: 1,407	Hey all - I just talked to him. He apologized and we talked quite a bit. Unlike me, he rarely shares his feelings. I told him that I understood he is probably worried and frustrated and just wants to get better. He told me he's depressed about the whole thing. He told me that me constantly asking about canceling the vacation drives him crazy as he wants to go no matter. I told him from now on I'd drop it. The control freak in me wants to know if we are canceling so I can get the paperwork together, etc. And the selfish in me wants the comfort in knowing whether we'll go or not. We got him scheduled to see a physical therapist who specializes in vertigo. Only, I just now realized the appointment is scheduled for my work retreat (out of town) so he'll be alone in driving to and from. I'm not sure if we should move the appt. now, so I can drive him home when the appt. is over. I talked to my husband and he says don't worry, I'll be fine. I told him to take a cab home if he has to. We live in a burb outside our city and a cab will be nearly $50 to get home!!! My work is becoming a huge stress now that my husband is battling the vertigo. I don't know what to do about it. I feel I can't do anything, just ride it out. They are having this stupid retreat and it's been said to me that I need to go in the interest of keeping my job. I HATE THAT. A threat to leave town with these jerks or else. Anyway, we talked. Things are better between us. I think it's me with the problem. I'm stressed to the MAX and am having a hard time dealing with it.

05-02-2012, 05:52 PM	#8 (permalink)
FlyerFan Woman in AA Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 1,144 Blog Entries: 49	Ironically I had a small argument with the boyfriend this evening (i sent him to the store for 5 items and he returned with 40, lol!) and then I went to a meeting and guess what the topic was? Relationships in AA. Lmao. I was like "omg i have to go post this!" __________________ "Sit back, relax, and look at the world from your multi-colored glass."

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)