Sex with coworker

[rubbersoul]

I'm a "date rape victim", like so many others. This happened when I was 17. My sexuality has been greatly effected by this. I feel like its stayed the same since, I've never evolved.

Currently, I'm on anti-depressants and they are helping me, however I still have a drinking problem and when I drink on medication my emotions can be very volatile and I don't handle booze as well.

I'm now in my early 20's and working in a full time career. I've been single for about 7 months now and before that I was "seeing" (having sex with exclusively but not dating) an emotionally detached guy for about a month. The longest relationship I've had is 6 months.

I'm a very lonely person with no close friends and I live alone. I was becoming close (as friends) to a male colleague I've known for several months now but who has a girlfriend that lives in another town. Long story short, I ended up sleeping with him after a night of heavy drinking.

I slept with him even though he has a girlfriend (morally wrong) and even after he told me that he has very little emotions and empathy for people. He just doesn't care. I slept with him anyway. What in the hell is wrong with me? Where is my sense of self preservation? I thought I could act tough like a man and not get my emotions into it and just keep it at casual sex (sex which I so desperately wanted) but I feel ashamed. So ashamed, I feel worthless. His girlfriend is soon to be moving in with him and I have to see him every day at work.

I understand I'm at fault in the situation too. I feel very cheap and angry at myself and him. I feel like there is something wrong with me. A loss of dignity. Can women really just have casual sex and not get hurt? Is it social conditioning? I'm being professional at work and pretend nothing's wrong. I wonder how long it will take me to get over this pain...

Anyone have any similar experiences or advice?

Thanks for reading all this.

[simplyfab]

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna be a little blunt here.

I don't mean to offend you in any way...but,
What happened here is... you wanted to play the game, thought you could handle it, and found out you couldn't.
And why? Because even though you knew the rules (of the affair) you went through with it anyway. And now you're hurt.

A lot of females think that physical contact will eventually lead to emotional contact.
Not gonna happen. Don't underestimate the drive of a males penis. His facts are...he's told you everything about his relationship, he hasnt' held anything back or misled you in any way and you're still willing to give it up. You're a male's (notice I didn't say A MAN) dream.
Ever heard the term, "hate the game, dont hate the player."
I think its one of the truest, yet saddest terms society has, but people do in fact, play "the game". Unfortunately, thats why movies like Fatal Attraction get made. I'm not saying you're there...but, you knew where he was at in terms of his relationship. Don't be mad at him. Be disgusted.
Notice your mistake and dont let it bother you that an A-hole isn't running towards you.
I feel bad for the girl who's changing her life for him.
As far as how you're feeling....sex shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. If it does, even a little bit, you need to change how you view it and get to the root of why you think "casual sex" should be something you should be okay with.
No matter how much a girl says she doesn't care about the "casual sex" partner...believe me, she does. Nothing that intimate between people should be labled "casual". And if it is, they're filling some hole.

[Fandy]

i think you need to explore why you are drawn to be "friends" with men that can put you in this type of position. that isn't a friend, it's a problem that you have with yourself.

You have to like yourself and value yourself, not delve into drunk sex and then get angry...it's all tied together with the drinking. i think FTF support would be good.

you're right to question it, and come here. you can't be with anyone until you like YOU.

[Katiekate]

I still have a drinking problem

We do a lot of things we shouldn't do when we drink.

You said a drinking problem, maybe you need to work on that before you really get yourself in a world of hurt.

[MsPINKAcres]

have you sought therapy for the rape?

I have no experience in this type of pain or trama ~ but I know there are many avenues that can be used for healthy healing ~ maybe this could help?

wishing you the best ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

[rubbersoul]

Thank you all very much for your responses. I need to learn from this to not let it happen again. Being lonely is far better than feeling this guilt/shame. Fandy - you're right he isn't a friend and never was. Yet another way alcohol is so destructive. I would not have made this decision without it, that I know.

[Anna]

Don't be hard on yourself rubbersoul.

We all made mistakes when we were drinking, and have things we wish had never happened. The main thing is to learn and move on.

[rubbersoul]

Thank you Anna

[alaina742]

You're just re-victimizing yourself, making yourself an object, because in your mind, you have not come to terms with the rape. Stop dating, stop having sex, stop drinking and just stand still for a minute. This is not going to solve itself or just "go away." People who have been rape victims and have not come to terms with their trauma need a vibrator...not casual sex. Sorry to be blunt, but you are simply not in the proper state of mind (if there is one.) You need to stop all those things, and START talking about it...go to therapy. Go to a support group. It may seem like "no big deal" or not AS big of a deal as some other people's situations, but it is most likely impacting the way you view yourself and the way you interact with others, expecially men.

[Freedom1990]

My alcoholism/addictions were deeply intertwined with sex.

I had to address the alcoholism/addictions first and foremost.

Sending you hugs of support.

[sugarbear1]

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Try learning how to be alone with yourself. Get to AA meetings so you aren't lonely. Establish a trusting relationship with a few women, get a sponsor and work the steps. Those steps saved my life and let me learn to know myself much better. You are worthy of having true boundaries in a loving relationship, but you must learn to trust yourself, first.

Hugs,

[Lily]

I made many mistakes when I had been drinking or drunk. I worked in a restaurant from 18-22. I think I slept w/ 2 or 3 coworkers. I can remember I just wanted someone to really love me. I was embarressed, but I had to forgive myself and let it go.

I learned that I am worthy. I was made by a God who loves me and I am fearlessly and wonderfully made. You are too! Learn from this and move on and try really hard not to beat yourself up over it.

I too was raped (date raped) I never told. I have forgiven him even though I don't even remember his name. I was drinking very heavily that night.


(((HUGS)))

Now go and stand up straight, shoulder back and chin up! You can do this and move on!

Lily

[rubbersoul]

Thank you ladies so much for your kind words :-)
I agree that being single and being okay with that is what I need to work on. I have mixed feelings about it but deep down I do feel the need to be alone (as in not in a relationship) because there's still healing I have to do. I seem to subconsciously think that others will make me feel better about myself. I think this is the wrong way to go about it. I've never travelled before and I've been thinking of doing so by myself, get out of this place for a while. Anyway that's another topic!

[indakut]

I cosign with Anna. I have countless mistakes as a result of my alcohol addiction. Learn from your mistakes. Assess how you will prevent this in the future and move on.

[iamtoru]

Your story is pretty similar to mine (pm me if you want the details- not comfortable sharing them here lol). I eventually went to therapy and, I have to say, it made a HUGE difference. Took me a while to quit drinking, but it was because of therapy that I did quit as I didn't see myself as a problem drinker before. My self-esteem is way up, I can trust my instincts/not so much self doubt, etc and despite my silly post about cute AA guys I have NO desire to get with guys I shouldn't be getting with. It takes a while, but I think therapy is worth every penny if you can get a good therapist. If you cannot afford therapy I think a good recovery program is worth the effort. A lot of people like AA, but if you aren't into the tough love approach you might find SMART recovery more up your alley? There are options out there! Hope you find what you're looking for.

[Jody675]

Sorry to hear about your situation rubber soul. date rape is a really tough one to deal with as it started off with someone you probably liked and trusted (unlike a violent rape), so we naturally will blame ourselves a lot more (as does the person who did it to us). your actions really do sound like you are still punishing yourself for what happened to you. that you do not think you are worth giving yourself to someone who truly respects you deserves all that you CHOSE to share with him. i really do hope you go and get yourself some therapy to help deal with these emotions, and i bet that you will start to deal with your situation a lot better.

dont be hard on yourself. you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. HE will be the one that one day will have to face what he did. karma is a great thing, and im sure karma is a WOMAN...lol

as for sleeping with a colleague, you have to face what you did and accept that you played the game of casual sex, and lost. and it sucks. the guy was honest with you and you knew the rules, so just learn from this lesson, and know that casual is not for you (its not for me either. i like that emotional connection. not say that i don't every now and then enjoy sex that doesnt develop into something other than a few dates...but thats ok. if it was fun, then i leave it at that.) i do feel sorry for your colleagues gf though. but thats up to her to work out.

why dont you join groups like Meetup where there are heaps of different types of groups that just meet and do activities. thats where i am at atm. im single, but am over the internet dating scene, so am just going to join some groups to get myself and about and at least doing something fun and positive. if i meet someone great, if not, thats ok too. at least im not going to be bored.

good luck and deal with the real issue and the rest i bet will fall into place.

[Live2Run25]

I made a lot of destructive decisions (most.. sexual) when I was drinking. I think I was doing it because I hated myself for cheating on my fiance when I was drunk. We split up, and broke off the engagement because of something I did. I'd always end up with the most emotionally unavailable man there was. I hate myself for it now. I just wanted.. well. I'm not sure I know what I wanted. I wanted something good to come from my mistake but it never did until I stopped drinking.. sorry to blabber on. I agree with everyone else. Single time should help while you get sorted out.

[AllArise]

Two days ago, I ruined the lives of two brothers by behaving inappropriately with them (not at the same time, though). They were both my close friends, both had long-term girlfriends. I didn't know I did this until the next day, and I haven't been able to eat since. My friends won't speak to me, and I fear I've not only lost my friends but also ruined the relationships between these boys and their girlfriends.
I've done my fair share of **** while blacked out, but that was too much for me. The fact that I don't remember a second of either of these occurrences made me realize how badly I needed to change something in my life.
You're not alone. Forgive yourself. I know it's so much easier said than done, and I'm currently trying to do it as well. I'm still tied up in a relationship from years ago, and my excessive drinking nearly always leads to some sort of sexual encounter that I regret deeply, only because I wrongly believe that thirty minutes of someone "loving" me is better than nothing.
Like I said, you are certainly not alone

[bumble]

I don't have any insights other than what has already been said. Drinking leads to behaviours you wouldn't engage in sober. I am still working on not drinking so I don't have regrets/guilt/shame/etc the next morning.