I cut today

[AD33]

I'm just over 90 days sober and clean. I'm doing work on Step 1 with a new sponsor and have seen a longstanding pattern of seeking out abusive and unavailable people, primarily men, alongside my drinking and using. When I haven't been drinking and using I've isolated and lived in a sort of fantasy bubble.

I'm becoming aware that my fears of abandonment, abuse issues etc. are getting majorly triggered in meetings. I get really needy and put people on pedestals. I went out with this old timer I've gotten to know and was embarrassed by my groupie-flirtatious behaviour around him. So far there have been pretty OK boundaries in place. I came home in despair and self-harmed.

I've found a good women's meeting, I called someone today and shared about it and I haven't picked up. I'm just so angry at the moment, about giving my power away and, yes, I know I have to take responsibility for my own behaviour and that I'm trying to fix myself from the outside. But at the moment I'm in a lot of pain. I know things have to change.

Because of my past I feel like a prostitute around men, even if I'm not doing anything to give off that vibe, as if I'm there to service them and make them feel better in some way. And yet I need mixed meetings to practice boundaries etc. Sometimes I actually feel safer in those meetings.

I just feel floored by memories, abuse issues, dual diagnosis, everything hitting me.

[Anna]

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

When I was drinking, I was abusing myself by putting the poison into my body. I hated my life and myself and I didn't care enough to take care of me.

You are not your past. We have all made mistakes and done things that we truly regret, things that made us feel 'less than'. You can make the shift in your mind and begin to see yourself in a different light.

I hope you can begin to believe that you are a good person and you deserve a good life. You deserve to have good people in your life.

Have you tried writing/journalling your feelings? It might help you to get some of the emotions out of you and onto paper. I'm glad you're calling people and seeking support.

[AD33]

Thanks Anna, I have been doing some writing and a bit of drawing. When I'm in this space I want to isolate because I feel like I've got terrible recovery etc., and that I'm going to be judged.

I spoke to my sponsor today, which was really helpful. I know I can get through this without picking up although I felt like drinking yesterday. Drinking just makes everything worse and leaves me feeling hopeless and suicidal.

I'm trying to treat this as a learning experience, part of the journey towards a hopefully peaceful sobriety which will allow me to come to terms with my past.

[Anna]

That's a very good attitude to have.

Try to focus on what you've learned and how far you've come. I think too often we just look at how far we have to go. And, remember that you are right where you should be, at this moment.

[sugarbear1]

Why not hang out with only the women?

[AD33]

Because I have a hard time trusting women. I've been abused by women in the past and would like to learn how to practice healthier boundaries with men in recovery. Also, I'm scared that if I go to only female meetings I will act out on my sexually addictive behaviours - hooking up with strangers and prostituting myself - because that's the only way I know how to interact with men. I've done both of these without a drink or a drug in me but they lead me right back to drink and drugs eventually. At least in mixed meetings I can sit there with men in the room even if I don't share, and feel like I'm around men in a somewhat healthier way.

Before my relapse I isolated myself from human contact, especially from men, because I felt I wasn't "safe" enough to live in everyday society, or to have relationships. I haven't had sex for about 10 years. When I relapsed I just got more and more suicidal and thought the best thing to do would be to check out because I couldn't see a life other than a totally isolated, bitter one.

When I'm at mixed meetings, sharing about my behaviour and then taking steps to make small changes, ie. my behaviour around this guy, I feel hope that things can and will change.

Does that make sense?