Where did the time go?

[jmnyc]

I'm totally new to this and have a lot to say, so bear with me. I'm at such a loss of what to do and I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. Looking back, I've had definite periods of ups and downs, but never have I been in a "down" spell for such a long time. The past year and a half have just gotten worse and worse, and each time I think I've hit the bottom I manage to find a door to another basement.

I've had an eating disorder for 14 years, and an on and off relationship with alcohol until this past year. I finally decided to seek treatment for my eating disorder (bulimia) and when I did the drinking took over. At the worst, I'm drinking a liter of vodka a day. I've lost friendships and my finances are horrible to the point of considering bankruptcy. I was hospitalized twice for alcohol withdrawal and each time friends and family were supportive. And by going back to drinking, I feel like I'm just being ungrateful for everyone's kindness.

I should have taken my therapist's recommendation to go to rehab, but I didn't and now I can't. I was recently laid off (likely due to drinking) and have since found freelance work but do not have health insurance. I don't know if I can do this by myself. It's also a vicious cycle - I keep drinking, gaining weight, eating disorder, losing weight. It never ends. Every day I wake up feeling guilty for the night or day before, and every morning I say today will be different, but it's not. The anxiety takes over, rapid heart beat, sweating, shaking, and I tell myself that just one drink is what I need to get out the door. Cut to three hours later and I'm passed out on my bed.

I'm also in a relationship that is going nowhere and tearing me apart. I've been dating a former coworker for a year and a half but, you guessed it, he's married. Not only that, he has two infants under the age of two. Ugh. He tells me he loves me and I believe him, but I doubt he'll ever leave her. And I drive myself crazy wondering about, if I didn't have the problems that I have, would he be more likely to leave her? Probably not, but that's the thought process.

I just feel like I've squandered so much opportunity. I've just turned 30 and this is not what I picture - broke, single, barely employed. I just wonder if it's too late to turn things around. I have all the tools at my disposal - support system, live in a great neighborhood, great apt (which I'm terrified of losing), I'm smart, people like me and respect me professionally, a great gym at which I can get healthy (exercise always helps.) Yet I CAN'T get over this hump and make it happen. I know what I need to do, I just can't seem to get there.

The thing is, looking at me from the outside you would never guess. I seem to many like I have it all, which I think is why people don't listen or don't realize that when I say I need help I REALLY need it. Only close friends are starting to catch on. Any help, advice, kind words would be much appreciated. As I type this my heart is racing, but my life is going nowhere. Is it to late to turn things around?

[MsJax]

Welcome I don't have any experience with bulimia, I am a recovering alcoholic of about 11 months.

I relate to so much of what you have written. The weight issues, the anxiety/waking up feeling guilty, fat, a general mess. You really can make a new start any day ~ it can be today, right now! I turn 44 next week & I truly have never felt better in my whole life. I have to get ready for work right now & don't have time to write much but I wanted to welcome you and let you know there are so many people on this site who understand right where you are & can help you. Good for you for reaching out. I will check back once I get done with work this afternoon.

[Anna]

Welcome!

It sounds like you're switching from one addiction to another and I know you can stop. I think you may need to pause and take a hard look at the things in your life that you're running away from. You will need to deal with those, as hard as it is, in order to recover from addiction. You need to do more than just stopping drinking, or losing weight. You need to begin to like and love yourself, and that's the recovery journey.

[jamdls]

Hi JM welcome. It's never too late to turn things around, my life spiraled out of control until I was 50 but with giving up the booze, bad relationship, and poor eating habits and replacing them with healthy positive things I feel like life has only just begun. Even if the boyfriend left his wife would you really want to be with someone who cheats on his spouse? he'd more than likely do the same to you, he's already "cheating" on you. So many of us drink or have other issues because our self esteem is so low, I did and I had relationships with unavailable men for the same reason. You deserve better than you are giving yourself and you need to figure out why you are harming yourself and address those issues, learn to truly love yourself. I read tons of self help material, attended a few free classes, prayed a lot and I've been sober and loving life for nearly 5 yrs now you can too.

[Tatyana10]

Don't beat yourself up, that you're ungratefull for your loved ones. We're alcoholics, do not have power to control our drinking. Period. I had a bulimia for about 7 years, been drinking every single day for last 2 years. Working with my therapists and going to AA meetings made a huge difference on how I deal with problems now. I'm still new to recovery, but let me tell you - there's hope and there's help. Have you considered AA for yourself? I don't know if you familiar with serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change" - you cannot change your past, or what others think of you, accept it. Second part of prayer"courage to change what I can" - you can change , how you dealing with stress and anxiety, what you think of yourself. Stay connected to people, who been through this, there is a lot of support, and the best part- nobody judges you here! Best of luck!