Stopping the chaos

[Becca13]

Hi,
I'm new to sober recovery. Me an ACOA and back in OA now for food addiction. Been in a dysfunctional on again off again relationship with an alcohol-pot abuser for almost 10 years. Finally told him it was over yesterday and I think this time it will stick. I've tried to get away so many times but as I was not working my own program I couldn't grasp the craziness and had nothing to fall back on. So I just kept trying to patch it up and go on. In August I called it quits and thought I meant it. Then he had an abdominal aneurysm and almost died. I allowed that to lure me back in and in October we moved in with each other with the intention of getting married. OMG. The first month was a honeymoon and then the chaos started. The longer he was here the crazier I became. I was abusing food, alcohol, television, you name it and I stopped going to meetings cause they are at night and he didn't want me to be gone. Ugh, I'm sure some of you recognize the story.

Last Thursday I told him I thought we needed some space. We'd been at each others throats and we'd already talked about it, but he still got angry. I asked for time until Monday to get myself centered again. It was so peaceful with him gone. I read the AA 12 and 12 and prayed. No TV no distraction just me and my HP. Well on Friday night sure enough we were texting each other and I missed him. Next morning I texted him to come home so we could try to work things out. He said "no" you wanted me gone till Monday. Sent me into the usual tailspin and we traded ugly text messages. I was getting punished for "what I'd done to him". All of a sudden I had such clarity and I knew HP was there showing me that this was the way it would always be. Chaos, turmoil, ugliness and him with absolutely no understanding of recovery. I waited 24 hours and sent him an email saying what I'd basically said last August only this time I'm stronger and my recovery is more important to me than him.

I've had a rough day. Tempted to binge, but didn't. Just keep falling on my knees and asking HP to hear my prayer for peace and sanity. There can be no sanity with an insane man.

He comes tomorrow to get his things and I will not be here. So far he has not contacted me but I'm sure that will eventually happen. After all the promises he made in August and didn't fulfill even one of them I think he knows that this time its different. It also really pisses him off that I think he is an alcohol abuser. He can stop drinking but his personality is pure addict.

Thank you for listening and please send some prayers my way for the strength to see this through. Almost 10 years of my life in this dysfunctional codependent relationship.....how sad. But thank HP its finally over.
Becca

[jamdls]

Hi Becca, welcome to SR I hope you can stay strong, you are correct in that you need to focus on just yourself it's the only way to heal. There's always lots of people here to offer support, you might try posting in the Newcomers section to get more feedback. I hope you read all you can and post often.