Defective?

[Surlyredhead]

I haven't posted here in a while, but lately, I have been feeling a little...well...I don't really know how I feel.

My Son is 16 now, and he has his own things to do most of the time, school, sports etc. I haven't really dated much in the last 16 years, his father and I weren't together as a couple very long. I think I have dated three people in all of that time, one hurt my feelings BAD. I really didn't care about dating, I didn't want my Son to see me with a bunch of men. Now though, as my Son is getting older, and will graduate next year, I find myself getting lonely.

I would like to maybe date a little, but I can't help thinking of myself as defective lately. I have been sober almost 18 years, and I have never hid the fact that I am in recovery. My life is good, and I really do like...love myself today...so I am really confused as to where these feelings are coming from. I know one thing for sure, until I get past them, I have no business in a relationship. I know that if I am not in a healthy state of mind, I have little chance of a healthy relationship.

Don't really know what else to say, I am at a loss...it's like I forgot how to function in any other capacity except Mom mode. I want to feel like a woman too...very frustrating.

Cathy

[Impurrfect]

(((Cathy))) - I've never been a mom, but I do understand. I had various roles in the past - nurse, daughter, niece etc. I lost my career as a nurse, and totally felt lost. It had defined me, it's what I was.

The good thing is, since I lost that career, I've found it really doesn't define me. No one can take away my knowledge as a nurse, but it's just one of the things that makes me who I am.

I have yet to venture into the dating field, not quite sure I'm as comfortable with me, and what I want (I was a major codie and addict, in recovery for both) to go there yet, but have hope that I will eventually get there

No advice, just want you to know I get that "lost" feeling.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

[sugarbear1]

pre-empty nest syyndrome

[Surlyredhead]

Originally Posted by sugarbear1

pre-empty nest syyndrome

If this is what happens before, I am certianly NOT looking forward to when he moves out!!!!

[newby1961]

(((Cathy))) I wanted to thank you so much for sharing that because I relate to some of where you are. Like Amy I am not a mother but have had different roles. For me I have been sober almost 8 years and single everyone of them.

I have had a few long term relationships and they were all very very sick. All centered around alcohol & drugs and some sort of abuse although not really physical but there was enough emotional abuse to screw me up for many a years.

My ex husband who I loved with every fiber of my being went to work one day and got picked up be the FBI come to find out he was a warted wanted bank robber.

Dale another ex I was with for 7 years just died about 5 years ago he literally drank himself to death in his 40's. Now we had periods of bliss being in sobriety together but it never lasted more than a few weeks at a time. He cheated with my upstairs neighbor and then moved in w/her and they both were only 1 floor above me. He then cheated w/another neighbor and that was when I left for good.

My problem is that I am okay with being single I live alone w/my cat and I am only 50. I have started thinking that I am abnormal because I love being alone but I do have my moments although brief of wishing I had that special someone.

So you are not alone. Hope to see you around SR? I go to the gratitude forums and my all time favorite Whiners Anonymous.

[sugarbear1]

You're ok! Everything will fall into place!

[Anna]

You know Surly, I had pre-empty nest syndrome when my youngest was 16 and oldest 18. It was one of the many issues that drove me to drinking because I had NO idea who I would be, if not a mother. I really felt like my purpose in life was over, when in fact, I had to do some soul-searching and recognize that I still had a purpose in life.

[jamdls]

Hi Surly, I can relate as well. You don't sound defective at all (congrats on 18 yrs !!) you just sound like someone who is approaching big life changes and needs to define or redefine your goals and your self. When my daughter left home at 22 (in 2003) I was still drinking; she'd been living her own life for quite some time but her moving out really changed my life. I had been a single mother most of her life and really didn't know who I was w/o defining myself as a single mom. I dated a lot but rarely anyone for very long, partially because I didn't want to bring any men into my daughter's life. After she moved out I started on a very fast downward spiral of drinking and men, I had always said that once she was gone I'd no longer have a reason to live and I worked pretty hard to end my life, fortunetly after about 4 yrs I hit bottom, quit drinking, quit men, and began to finally figure out who I was (I was already 50 so it's never to late) and eventually began to love myself. You're at least a dozen steps ahead of where I was since you are already living alcohol free. As you start letting go of your son and your full-time role as mom hopefully you'll direct your excess time and energy to yourself; and hopefully you'll learn to love the independence as I have and others. I still adore my daughter more than life itself and she is still and always will be the most important person in my world but I no longer define myself as "mom", now I'm an independent woman first, who is also a mom and a grandmother.