Dating sites....help me...

[sophieschoice]

I have been sober a while now (17 years) and have been crusing around the internet dating sites. I want a man who is recovering longer than 90 days! It seems to me when a new guy hits the rooms woman leave him alone..for a while..then someone jumps him..lol....so I hit the internet dating community...
I signed up for recoveringmates.com (I wanted someone sober)match.com (to much drinking for me) lavalife (I think the owners write to me..) and now I heard the recoveringmates is free..so I went back to them...in 2 days I met this guy I'm interested in and I don't know what to do next...he lives about 50miles away from me and he wants to meet me at a meeting. Well I'm so excited to meet someone new I almost said yes (until my daughter yelled at me )...I want to know how other woman handle this

[zoomer]

Gee if he is willing to meet you in an open public place, i don't see why not. What harm can it do? Just don't give out your phone number or anything just yet. I think it's kind of neat anyway! I love your name! I'v read the book and even wrote a poem about Sophieschoice! It touched me in a way that no other book has! Anyway, i say go for it!!!

[AvieG]

I'd say go meet him, Zoomer is right about not giving out phone numbers/addresses etc. but meeting at a meeting sounds safe enough to me.

My partner and I met on an AA recovery site almost four years ago, and we met when a group of us arranged a meet-up in London UK. I knew one of the others personally, so felt quite safe.

We had been chatting online for about a year before first meeting, and we are very happy together, he moved here from Belgium last year, just go to the meeting, no expectations, if nothing else, you may meet another friend in recovery.

The danger for women meeting internet friends iswhen they meet privately - who knows who is sitting behind a computer?? They may be a serial rapist or killer, so it is wise to meet in public, and what better place than an AA meeting, were I would imagine he is known already?

It is good that your daughter has thse concerns, she obviously loves and cares about you, but to be honest, I think these are safe meeting arrangments. Take it steady, and have fun. AND let us know how it goes!!! LOL

[spirit]

hi sophie,

good to see you out and about looking for companionship, it is a hard thing to do. i met my current partner on the net 5 years ago. we talked for a month or so on line, then on the phone for awhile befoe we met. fortunately it worked for us, although it is weird meeting someone in real life after talking on the computer haha.. we do tend to have subtle differences to our persona on here. for example, sometimes i find it easier to say things on the computer than i cant in real life.

anyway when i first started looking around the net, i was looking for friends mainly (i was a single mum at home so couldnt go out much anyway), used the net as a way of having adult conversations, including with men. no strings attached etc, and i made some great friendships, some of which still carry today.

but i did learn that in some ways being on the net is like being in a pub, there are jerks, good guys, honest people, liers etc. the good thing is that you can maintain an anonymity, the bad thing is that so can the other person, so you dont really know who you are talking to, but then you dont in a pub etc either.

anyway, i htink the idea of looking for people who have had the same experiences is good, however the only caution i would ahve with this particular man, and i dont mean to demean him in anyway he could be very genuine, but if he has only been sober 90 days or so, then he is very early in his recovery, almost still in the honeymoon time. you dont want to inadvertently end up with someone who needs 'looking after' etc.

but a public meeting is a good idea. rather than thinking of it in terms of you two meeting, think of it as "hey i'll come to your meeting or you can come to mine" and then we can meet through that etc.

good luck with it, remember have fun, there are many needy people in the world and many of them are on the net. i also used to have what i called "practice men" , not in a sexual sense, but i used to think of the people i met as friends, and i was relearning how to communicate with men, do the dating thing etc, so these were people whose company i could enjoy but also practice what it was like being available again!

good luck, let us know how you go
cheers
kath

[Tom M]

Well, I have over 1 year now and I would like to meet a nice lady that is in recovery pulling in the same direction that I am.
Tom M

[zoomer]

LOL, well there you go SC!!! You don't even have to leave the WIR to have guys want to meet you. Nice to meet you Tom, but you have to stay out of the Woman's room. This is not a dating site

[November]

Hi Everyone, I'm November... new to this site but not the program. Just a brief comment about internet dating: I've had very good luck with the general public type's/very bad luck w/program guy's. I'm having one such problem now (the actual reason why I'm on this site tonight--and need help). I have a serious problem with this person. As it turns out, he seem's to be a compulsive liar (lied about his job). I don't want to say too much as to reveal anything about this person. It's not my intention to embarass. Let's just say, the job was supposed to be a lavish career sort (like judge or prosecuting attorney). I've had difficulties once before with program guy's. And when they get angry with me (I've found out a real person issue about this guy) he, in turn went around to various meeting's telling everyone that "I" had the issue, that in fact ,,, he had. I'm now too turned off to dating program guy's. Keep in mind ladies, this is my opinion I'm voicing and I'm certainly not giving out advice!
Well needless to say. some program people had sided with the guy ... which is something most should know better. I ended up getting the cold shoulder from some ... and have lost some friends' as well. This guy had laid it on thick and I guess some people believed his story. Dam! that's B.S. and I'm angry of course but hurt mostly. This is the second time this has happened. The second guy did this, because he knew what the first guy had done. I think it's important to mention that the first guy had a very bad crack addiction ... I say that because those who have that need more treatment than if it was just alcohol. I felt for him. I knew of some of the thing's he had going on... but it's still no excuse to take his anger to an open meeting. I've looked at what part I've played in this as well. I'm just being treated like "I'm the main cause of trouble'... and he's just an honest soul. Mind you, other's have left the club where this has happened at. Other disturbance's have gone on there. And I think maybe some people there enjoy creating grief unnessacarily. I too, want to leave. I'm someone who, if I have a grivence with someone... I'd go to that person with it. Behind my back tell's me it's fake emotion's hiding behind their own problem's. I don't like that. But! what do I do? How does one settle this? In such a large AA club? I really need some help with this. I'd appriciate any input. Thanks... and I'm so glad to have found this website this evening. Bye Everyone

[zoomer]

Hi November and welcome to SRF. I think the best thing to do in any situation that involves starting wars is to back out and don't say a thing. This guy will find someone else to bother down the road. One thing I found when wanting people to take my side is that they just might take the other side instead. I'v lots of exspericance with being snubbed,talked about or lied about in a lot of situations. The one who keeps thier mouth shut and keeps thier poise will win. meaning "who gives a crap what others think and say because people just love to see and get involvoed in mud slinging".

[November]

Last night I just needed to get that off my chest. I went to several trusted friend's and told them about this. And yes, remaing silent is the best thing to do. Awhile ago I saw that this guy, had emailed me. Earlier I had blocked him out of my other two email's and he must have remebered one I keep for websurfing. I sense problem's that might have to envolve the police. That might be the sensible way to go (only when nessecary). I'm not one to panic. I don't know this guy too well but I've got the "creep's". I plan to keep my mouth closed and eye's open for my own safety. I've got some thing's going in my favor... a guy roomate and a big german shepard dog downstair's with my landlord. I live in a 2 flat. Aside from this guy... from my experience's of dating on-line wait it out till you can see the guy for who he really is. that doesn't take all that long. If it look's promising, check his job, where he live's and what is his social life. Family helps too. I've made some very nice friend's as well. By being careful I was able to sort out the "married one's" as well.
Thank you so much for the suggestion... and I look forward to more chat soon. Have a good evening, November

[dotcom]

hi november

my name is dotcom and im an addict. DOS 01-17-03. I dont mean to offend, but i notice you posted, "the first guy had a very bad crack addiction...i say that because those who have that need more treatment than if it was just alcohol..." um, correct me if im wrong, but alcohol is a drug. and there are equally serious cases of alcoholism/drug addiction. best wishes in your recovery.

dotcom

[November]

I am dealing with a very serious problem here that seem's to be getting worse as this evening progresses. This site is AA, I'm an alcoholic. I respond to that. Crack will take ya down fast and hard. I'm losing friends/family as a result. It's illegal and someone close to me is on their way to prison (2nd time now) because of that. there's a huge difference. The 1st that I mentioned, has had 4 heart attack's as well. That drug seem's just too powerful and it kill's. I'm not against addict's. I live in Chicago and I've so much devestation because of it. It kills fast. One question... I've heard it's too hard to quit. Is that true? Try to understand this... I'm losing loved one's. As for any man with an active addiction I know it's useless to even consider any sort of relationship... he's in his addiction! I wouldn't have the person, I'd have the addiction. I'm someone very sympathetic ... just so you understand me more.. I'd never date an active alcoholic ... same reasoning. They get drunk and want to fight!!!!!!! No thanks ....
I'll keep you in my prayer's this evening. i'm glad you took the time to read what I wrote, and then write. Take care....

[zoomer]

The Woman in Recovery forum is for all women regardless of what they are recovering from. LOL, I'm sure this subject has been brought up many times. There are different rooms here to post if you just want to talk about Alcohal,drugs, PTSD... others that are in your life using or not using... From my exsperiance everything has touched my life,so that is why I like the woman's forum because it touches on every subject. I never did crack or smack,but some of the women here did and it is a bit offencive to belittle an addict like they are less than you. I'm sure i'v put my foot in my mouth several times not meaning to offend,so I'm sure you'll be forgiven November because you did not know. They have a Naranone board here (sp) if crack is hurting through other people and it's a subject you want to talk about in detail. Me personally, I love the fact that I don't have to talk about "recovery and the 12 steps" all the time. Girls are just girls here and we talk about a lot of stuff. You know "take what you need and leave the rest behind". Anyway, Welcome again!

[dotcom]

nov

i wouldnt know anything about crack. thats not my doc. and by the way, im losing relatives to alcohol. go figure.

zoomer

well said, very well said. girls are just girls...lol

dotcom

[November]

oh my... my point was missed. Thanks just the same

[Vevo]

"...in 2 days I met this guy I'm interested in and I don't know what to do next..."
So sophie - did you decide to meet this new guy?
I have a gal in my office at work, who is also sober. She has 10 years, and chooses to date non-program men. Lately, she has been dating a "normie" she met on the net, who is local. Sigh - anyway, after listening to her experiences makes me realize how difficult it would be for me to have a serious relationship with a normal person.
Anywoo.....I've been clean 19 years, and married to the same man (oh my gosh) for 14, and he's a drunk too. It still amazes me. Not the sober part, but the married part. LOL
Let's hear more from sophie!! I have to live my life vicariously thru others!
Thanks!!

[sophieschoice]

Hi,
Well I started to read some of these responses and boy did we get off track..lol...
Yes I met him and he is a nice guy. Did fireworks go off? No not really Will I do it again..YES I feel this is a geat way to meet someone..or for me it is...thanks for your feedback!
I will keep you updated on my interet dating life...