holiday blues

[wakowife]

well i finally had my break down, i picked up the christmas blanket to put any my moms grave and i was putting more decorations on it and my daughter started to help me, and as we started to place the 4 angels on it we both started to cry. we both got hysterical and my husband didn't know how to console either one of us. i started to blame myself again for not doing more to help her. i thought i was all thru this but i guess i have just been doing and doing just not to feel and finally the feelings came bursting thru. now tomorrow i go to the grave to put it on, and i know that is going to be a horrible scene.

and it's ironic just as all of this was going on my mother in law called the house for the 1st time in months.

Bernadette

[dotcom]

hi wakowife

im very sorry for your pain. that must hurt terribly. today at a meeting i started crying...i was trying to avoid it...but once i did, i felt a little less bottled up. my grandma passed away, and i sometimes avoid crying. but now im going to try just letting it all out. i know ill feel better. im not used to being "allowed" to cry. but if theres one thing ive learned today, its that it IS ok to cry. and shoot, if someone gets offended by my crying, well...thats too bad for them, lol. i was trying to make a joke to cheer you up!! i hope it worked. im not much of a joke teller. well, i hope tomorrow you are able to grieve in a healthy way...crying, sobbing...but not using! your in my thoughts and prayers....now youve got me crying! no pun intended!

[51anna]

Bernadette, I'm sorry there are such sad memories for you. I'm sure you did everything you could do to help your mother. Maya Angelou says 'I did the best I could do with what I knew. When I knew more I did better'. I think it's a good point for those of us who tend to be hard on ourselves. And like Dotcom says crying can be healing.

Hugs and love,
Anna

[ButterflyChaser]

((((((((((((((((((((((Bernadette)))))))))))))))))) )) I'm sorry that you are feeling this way!!! I wish I had more words for you, but I don't, so I figured a hug would do. Vent as muchas you'd like to...we are all here for you!

[zoomer]

((((((((((((Burnnie))))))))), I had a dream about my mo the other night. I drempt that she was alive and healthy,but everyone was believing she was dead and she was so sad. I said "Ma, you can come to my house for Christmas. I'll fly you out (I always offered)". She said she would love that and she said do you think I can make it". Sure I said,why not. We all want you very much. Then I got to thinking and said "mom I forgot to tell you that we creamated you". She said I can't come without my body and poof, she went up in smoke. Ugh, she wanted to be buried,not creamated and I feel such guilt for that! But after that though, I wanted to dream about her some more because when i touch her in my dream she felt so real. She was healthy and beautiful. All those images of her being sick are gone and I'm seeing her now how she use to be or how she wanted to be. I don't know if this helps, but your not alone. My Mom would kill me if she knew I dreamed of her with all her extra pounds on her! The only thing she liked about the cancer is that it made her thin again. ((((((huggys))))))