A Womans Way Through the Twelve Steps

[Paulie]

by, Stephanie S. Covington PHD.

This is an awesome book and I thought that we could go through it together. Each step is broken down into different sections and also has personal experiences from women. I have read it and now I am going through it with my women’s group. We read a section and a time and talk about it.

So I thought maybe we could do the same thing here.

I will start at the beginning right after the introduction.
**********************
THE STEP BEFORE THE STEPS -

The journey through the Twelve Steps often involved a pre step - a "step before the steps." if you will. In this step before, "we concede to ourselves that we are alcoholic" (or suffering from another addition). If you are not yet ready to concede that addiction is the problem, you might be ready to admit that some areas of your life are chaotic or out of control.

For many of us there is a growing awareness that things must change. As this feeling gets stronger, we find we are ready to take this pre-step: to admit that we need help and to accept help when it is offered, even if we didn't seek it. Then we find ourselves on the recovery journey.

The first part of the journey takes us through the Twelve Steps for a woman's perspective. We will explore how the Steps help us overcome addictions and work to heal and change ourselves, creating the possibility of a new and different life. Part of the surprising truth about recovery is that our ability to use the Twelve Steps and to apply them to other areas of our lives grows as our journey progresses. So, as we go on, we will explore the four areas of life where recovering women say they experience the most change - self, relationships, sexuality, and spirituality.
**************************************
So ladies, that is the first section, then it goes into the Step One.


STEP ONE - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

We all know the saying that each journey begins with the first step. Each of us has taken many first steps in our lives, leaving home, going to school, starting a job, getting married, beginning a family. And each of us knows the many feelings that arise with these first steps, doubt, confusion, fear, relief, joy, sadness, and more.

Take the first step in recovery may bring many of these same feelings. These are natural and even expected feelings anytime we start something new. Many women like us have taken this first step in recovery no matter how difficult or frightening it seemed, and each of us has received many benefits, over time, from our efforts.

Recovery begins with Step One, when we admit that we're powerless over our addiction and that as a result, our lives are unmanageable.

After reading this first step, you may wonder how it could possibly apply to you. Do you have a sense of how little power you have over the way you drink or use drugs? Are you able to see unmanageability in your life? Have you tried to control your addiction without success?

For some women this step makes perfect sense. It is a simple act of admitting what we already know to be true – we can’t control our drinking or using. It is obvious to us that our lives are out of control and unmanageable.

I remember feeling a vague sense of comfort when I read Step One. Admitting my powerlessness over alcohol gave me a sense of relief and reassurance. I finally understood why my attempts to control my drinking had not worked. Not being able to control my drinking or using meant I was addicted! Only when I acknowledged that I had no power at all over my using/drinking was I able to start making sense of the difficulties in my life. This understanding of Step One gave me a sense of hope.

For others beginning recovery, it can be much harder to recognize powerlessness and unmanageability. This acknowledgment can be particularly challenging for those of us who have continued to maintain our commitments and responsibilities in spite of our addiction.

Some of us feel that Step One asks more of us than we expected. We enter recovery wanting only to change the way we drink or use drugs. Or we want more control over our lives, not less. And no matter what our situation, thinking of ourselves as powerless or out of control can feel very threatening and uncomfortable.

It is common to wonder how a Twelve Step program, and Step One in particular, is going to make a difference in our lives. Yet Step One tells us there is a surprising solution: only when we realize we can’t control our drinking or drug use or eating, do we find a way to change. Letting go of the illusion that we can control our addictive behavior is the first step on the journey of recovery.
**********************

I thought I would do a section or two each week and see how it goes.
I hope you enjoy it!

[Pony]

Totally awesome Paulie.........I loved it, and looking forward to much more!!!

Yes for me addmitting I had no power over my addictions was very hard but freeing when I could finally do it. Being someone who feels like I should be in control at all times over everything I do or feel.....my emotions etc. ; it is a learning experience to realize that control is just that......an illusion! I was never in control.....someone greater than me has that job!

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks for posting this, Paulie I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more.

I find great relief in admitting powerlessness, its a break from struggle and opens me up to so many more options, ones that I am free to choose from rather than just being a slave to addiction.

Amy

[bikerprincess]

As a single mom I worked harder and harder at being self reliant. When I had reached a point of addiction, it was scary but kind of nice to say I am powerless. The Unmanageable part of the step was pretty obvious!!

Thanks for sharing this Paulie...
Anne

[Louise]

I have this book, Paulie.

Yes, it is awesome - thanks for posting it!

[nohiogal]

Thanks for posting this Paulie...

I had no issue with admitting and identifing with the first step. It was obvious to me I was powerless over alcohol. But was my life unmanagable?? ..... my first reaction was no it was not. I have worked at the same job for 11 1/2 years, I have a car, I raise my 2 kids, I have an apartment, I have food in my frig, I have heat and light...no problems here...

But now sober 30 days...my life was unmanagable....never have any money, Bills not paid and always on the brink of disconnection, Rent always late, far to many missed days from work, always stressed with life, stressed at my kids,procrasintation, feeling if everybody would just leave me alone then I could live without these issues, feelings of woes me, pity party,no energy, ...etc etc....

so yes I am powerless over alcohol AND my life has become unmanagable....So now I take 1 day at a time, one hour at a time if needed to handle my life.

[Pamsters]

Hey Paulie,

I look forward to reading this post of steps from a woman's point of view. I review my steps and reveal that I work on the ones I've done on a daily basis. I am now on Step 5 and will be revealing that step with my sponsor this Saturday 11/6/03.
I'm nervous and excited to make some changes in my life.

[Paulie]

I am so glad you guys like this idea, this is an awesome book. I read it when I first got clean, just read it again and my womens group with my sponsor is reading it together.

More will come!

[Carol87]

Thank You!! I also have this awesome book and it has given me a whole new outlook on the steps and life in general. For this alcoholic, somehow it took away the guilt and shame I was subconsciously feeling because of my alcoholism. There is a later section in Step One "Looking Inside" that really helped me ...

We are also considering starting a woman's meeting using this book ... but I'm not sure how it will turn out since this book is not conference approved and we would probably hold it at an AA Club ... we shall see.

[Paulie]

Yeah Carol I am not sure how that would work either. My group I mentioned is just my sponsor and the women that she sponsors, there is 5 of us and we meet every other week at her house, it is not program involved at all.

I like that section too, we will get there.

[Chy]

Good book Paulie am on my second pass on it, was the first book I read to help me understand the Big Book. Thanks!

[Paulie]

Okay ladies......
Step 1 continued.....

The Endless Loop Of Addiction -

One way to let go of our illusion of control and begin to recognize our powerlessness is to look at the endless cycle of our addiction. We use alcohol or drugs (or food or relationships) to change how we feel to numb our pain or to feel better about ourselves or to forget our problems. But the change is only temporary. Reality swiftly returns when we wake up the next morning with the same feelings and the same problems – along with a hangover and perhaps guilt about what we had done while drinking or using drugs.

We swear to ourselves that this will never happen again. But in spite or our best intentions, we find ourselves drunk or high again, caught in a cycle of using and regretting, using and regretting – the endless loop that is known as addiction. Having lost control, we feel frustrated, despondent, hopeless, even disgusted with ourselves. There is a saying in AA about being sick and tired of being sick and tired. When we reach this point, we are ready to recognize the truth.

The truth is, no matter how desperate we feel or how sincerely we believed we would “never drink like that again,” we couldn't force ourselves to stop. We can’t overpower addiction. An addiction is beyond our power to control. Only when we admit we are powerless over how to use alcohol or dugs can we begin to be free. Only when we realize we can’t quit ay time we like do we finally have a chance to stop the cycle.
**********************************************

Admitting, that was huge for me. I remember thinking that I would never stop using cause using was not my problem. Actaully I didn't even think like that because nothing was ever my fault. Whatever happened to me was someone elses fault, things were always done to me, my using and what it caused was never the problem. When I realized it was an admitted it, it really was relief, then as I begun to work a program and stay sober and understand that I could change that, that I did not have to feel the way I did, what a HUGE relief.
The loop can end, we can end it oursleves, with help.

[2stop]

Recognizing I am powerless over drugs and that my life is unmanageable is not too hard to admit to....but to accept it. Not keep trying to rearrange, work around, find a way to use..and be sane..that is my struggle. I Know in my heart I am powerless..but this ole head of mine says there HAS to be a way to have relief..and "recover" emotionallly, "recover" physically...without giving up the old life line. That is my struggle. I still do not see how the 12 steps will help me live with great physical pain....I can take a lot of pain..a whole lot. Most addicts can actually. I mean look at what we put ourselves through. But some of the health problems and injuries from wrecks I have put me in such pain I sit and sob..I pray to be able to get out of bed and take care of the kids and the house, the husband..and many times prayer does work....but I have spells so bad, I just cannot bear it. So it's becoming more of an issue for me to somehow manage recovery..and stay sane when having to use a strong narcotic pain reliever. But I AM SCARED THAT THIS MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE, i KNOW EXACTLY HOW UNMANAGEABLE ,MY life gets with narcotics in me. I know I am powerless and become instantly obsessed to the exclusion ofall else whne narcotics are in my system, but Isure woukd like to find a cure where we addicts could use narcotics safely for severe pain..oh well. Can't have everything we want, just have to trust God will provide whatb we need.
The whole topic of being powerless and haveing an unmanageable life makes me tense and feel guilty..like I have realy failed at life you know? I think I ned to write more on this step.

[Justme57]

Oh! Paulie , I have just found this thread ! it is awesome ! thank you ! For me , once I realised that I was actually ADDICTED it gave me freedom from the guilt of never being able to drink like other people , to me that was amazing

Where can i get this book ( my printer has carked it ) does Amazon have it ?

HUGX
Lee

[Paulie]

The whole topic of being powerless and haveing an unmanageable life makes me tense and feel guilty..like I have realy failed at life you know? I think I ned to write more on this step.

2stop - alot of things popped out for me in your post. The above quote being the biggest. to answer your question regarding the steps....they will help you with that above question. I myself don't live with chronic physical pain, nothing extreme I mean. but I know several people in the program that do. Some take narcotic pain medication for it as perscribed by their doctor, some take non-narcotic medication for it also as perscribed by their doctor. In my opinion this is okay, we addicts can take medications, as perscribed and for pain, not for emotional pain, which is what I did in the past.

Until you work the steps with a sponsor, you will not fully understand the benefit of them. the release that you receive from working them. Again, this is my opinion. As long as a person is trying to find a way to use and be sane still they are not in acceptance of the disease, the powerlessness, and the unmanagability of it all.

Just me57 - yes Amazon does have it - try shopping for it through ivillage.com first, cause SR gets credit for it . If they dont' have it, go to Amazon.com. I am glad you like it, I think this book is awesome and I can really identify with it in a way different from other 12 steps books.

[Paulie]

Step 1 Continued….
***************************************
ARE WE REALLY POWERLESS?

The word powerless is a problem for many women. Many of us were taught to let something or someone else control our lives. It can be difficult to acknowledge we are powerless over our addictions because we already feel powerless in so many other areas of our lives. Admitting powerlessness may appear to be one more instance of our familiar one down position. It seems like too much to ask of us.

Yet only when we admit our powerlessness and lack of control over our addiction can we begin to find out where we truly have power in our lives. This is the first of many paradoxes we experience in recovery.

For women, recovery is about empowerment – finding and using our true inner power. It May seem contradictory to claim our power when we’ve just admitted our powerlessness, but actually we are made more powerful by this admission. How can this be true? It’s very simple. By admitting our powerlessness over our addiction, we are freeing ourselves to run our attention to areas where we do have control. When we give up the struggle to control the things we can’t control, we begin to discover our true source of power.

Questioning the idea of powerlessness doesn’t mean we abandon or ignore Step One. Many women who have walked the Twelve Step path translate the step into words that help them discover how the ideas of powerlessness and unmanageability fit their personal experience. We have the freedom to interpret this Step in whatever way helps us recognize the power of our addiction.

The idea of powerlessness made Sandy, who sought help for her destructive relationship’s as well as her addiction to alcohol and drugs, feel even more depressed than when she was using. It was helpful for her to use different words to think about this Step. To say I was powerless was not good for me, she recalls. It didn’t feel right. My body responded with a drop in energy. Rather than powerless, I use the word surrender – as in surrendering to the truth. I surrender because I cannot control the amount and the way I use. For Sandy, admitting powerlessness and unmanageability was an act of surrender that began her recovery journey.

Some of us may not question our feelings about powerlessness because we have learned that others find us more attractive if we have less power. As women, we often receive messages, directly and indirectly, that we are more feminine, more acceptable, more lovable when w have little or no power. It is important that we not confuse our desire for approval with our powerlessness over our addiction. It is especially important for women to acknowledge the power of their addictions while discovering their personal power through recovery.

As a woman, I need to claim my power says Sandy I am empowered when I look inside and ask myself. What do I think? What do I feel? What are my options? I start figuring out what’s true for me – not whether it will please other people or make them happy. I don’t want to be insensitive to others, but I also need to be more sensitive to myself.

Maria, a physician in her sixties, has given serious thoughts to power and powerlessness. Maria descended into full-blown alcoholism following her divorce and became sober after going through several detox programs. Because she had achieved success in a competitive profession, at first she was concerned about admitting powerlessness, it felt too much like giving up and giving in. Only after much soul searching was she able to see powerlessness as a way to prevent the further loss of her power.

Women have always been powerless, says Maria. So admitting I’m powerless over alcohol is really a way to keep the power I do have. I’m admitting that there’s something I can’t control and that by trying to control it, I am going to lose even more power than I’d already lost I\by virtue of my being female.

Like Sandy, Maria focuses on enhancing the power she has gained through her recovery rather than thinking of herself as a powerless person. Now that she is sober, she expresses her feelings and asserts herself without agonizing about what people think of her. This, she knows, gives her a true sense of personal power. But she recognizes that this power does not mean she has control over her drinking. The drinking is out of her control.**************************************

For me admitting that I am powerless, I can't do this life thing alone...what a relief that is. Taking the pressure of thinking that I am in charge off me, helps keep me sober. I have power in my recovery and in my relationsip with my HP, the rest....powerless!!!

[2stop]

For me POWERLESS means..I am not alone anymore, I can give up going it alone and doing it "my" way....which was quite the "natural" disaster! I can begin again, and learn the new coping strategies that give me true power, the power of choice, and being able to rationalize and reason with a clean mind, not all fogged up with my frantic need to have absolute control and power, because as an addict I am so afraid on not being in control, my fear, then dryg use to calm the fear sets the cycle of powerlessness into full swing again...and again. I like the fact I am "powerless" over this disease. I can recieve help...and even more beautiful than that I can give strength and hope through my experiences to help someone else find that admitting powerelessness really means they are on their way to freedom and choices and authentic power from walking a spiritual path in recovery.

This is a great thread Paulie, I really enjoy reading and discussing these things.

[Pamsters]

I love this post. I am going to buy this book but also check in here for feedback. I also use the word surrender a lot more then powerlessness. I have empowered my inner self and realize that I have a lot of initial potential to help the addict who is still suffering. I have been volunteering at a treatment center. I speak to the newcomers once a month. When I get the nods and understanding. It's great and feels very empowering to my self-worth that used to feel worthless. I continue to grow and realize that I have a lot to give. I also like the part about taking care of myself. I don't like to hurt other people's feelings but if its to take care of my circle of recovery then I must tell certain people 'no'.
Once, I've done it, it isn't so bad and things seem to turn out for the better anyway.

[Chy]

I new I was powerless for many years, in fact used to say it all the time before I even knew it was the first step. So when I saw Step one when researching what path I would take I thought it was like a siren going off.. " Chy.. this means you".... so I freely admitted I was powerless I couldn't get the unmanageablility part as I was not a bad mom in my eyes, alway's home never in bars but until I worked on this with my sponsor it wasn't real clear. So when I had a long talk with self via journaling it became clear that things were unmanageable, life was not as I wanted and dreamed it would be, I had surrendered to my addiction for so long it was like a wedge stuck in eternity for me. This WAS my life this was how I was meant to be. Until I learned I was not alone, that changes could be made and life goes on beautifully sober.

As the book explains being a woman with addiction is a double whammy. We're not meant to be viewed as drunks and addicts but loving feminine people who love and nurture our families. I havn't outed myself to anyone except my family and don't know if I ever will as that is a haunting stigma I carry with me. The beauty is I can love and accept me for who I am. I can be the loving female in my relationships and that I have learned to cherish as I am now able to emotionally attached to those around me... and that's where my life had become majorly unmanageable.

[CASIE]

For women, recovery is about empowerment – finding and using our true inner power. It May seem contradictory to claim our power when we’ve just admitted our powerlessness, but actually we are made more powerful by this admission. How can this be true? It’s very simple. By admitting our powerlessness over our addiction, we are freeing ourselves to run our attention to areas where we do have control. When we give up the struggle to control the things we can’t control, we begin to discover our true source of power.

Hi Everyone

The above paragraph says it all for me.. When I was drinking, I was powerless over alcohol. When I accepted my disease and powerlessness when drinking, I reclaimed MY Power!!

This is all about the Serenity Prayer for ME.

Accept the things I cannot change: My disease...

Change the things I can: My actions and attitudes..

Wisdom to know the difference.. Without Sobriety, I have NO Wisdom or ability to ask for help from my HP and my AA friends!!

[Paulie]

bump

[Paulie]

Step 1 continued....

Looking Inside
*****************************************
If we enter recovery for someone other than ourselves, we may not think powerlessness is the problem. Instead it probably seems as if someone else has the problem. Many