being clean isnt everything....?

[clancy]

Hi guys,

clancy here. I went to my addiction doctor today for a sheduled check up.....I told him how i'd been battling against depression since coming off my d.o.c, and how hard id been finding it.He really suprised me when he said '........listen Clancy, being clean isn't everything, if you enjoy life more on a small maintainance dose of an opiate based drug, then im quite happy to provide you with that for the foreseeable future' I was a little dumbstuck really. Its true i have had a terribly hard time lately, fighting the 'black dog' off around the clock. And its true that i was not depressed when i was using,just felt that things probably shouldn't be this way. But this has thrown me! I said so. He said i could take opiates for the rest of my life in 'a clinical way' and they would do me no harm. What about my soul i shrieked! Oh, that will probably benefit, said he sagely.

I said i'd consider his words. Maybe he thought i was suicidal and he'd rather have me a live user than a dead sober person. I don;t know. But its thrown me a little.
its not that hes a quack or anything he seems really nice, and very wise. but ive gone thu hell to go the oposite way . Life has been so hard lately, ive also had the flu and a chest infection and ive been wondering how much more i can take. But this?????

I feel really weird now. Ho hum. When is life going to get easier guys!! Actually i'd settle for just the sun to shine, ya know? Its so dark and oppresive here right now, not to mention freezing, and wet!!!

Love Clancy xxxx

[2stop]

~Clancy~ I don't have hope for myself today but I still have plebty of hugs to give......considered yourself

((((((((((((((((((((HUGGED))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry you are going through this, I wish I knew how to help.

[Paulie]

Clancy -

In the time I have been blessed to be clean I have had dr's offer me all kinds of things for this or that. I am lucky to have found a dr now that does not do that. but my gyno offerend me anitdepressents for pms - go figure. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that it is achoice that you have to make for yourself, what we do around here is offer suggestions.

And I would suggest that you think really hard about the offer the dr made.

And for me Clancy.....my worst day clean is still better that my best day high - that is a promise. When the weather gets gloomy it tends to make me gloomy too.

[clancy]

Hey Tammie?

what you said worried me.Whats going on hun? Pm me if ya want to share ok?

You ve always been there for me, im here for you too. ((((((((((((((Tammie))))))))

Hugs, ok?

Paulie

well i haven't cracked yet.If anything its made me go the other way. its like, nooooo,your not supposed to say this. I kind of felt like putting a bin liner over his head, and pretending he was a lamp stand. But thats not fair because he is really nice, understanding guy. Just life so confusing! Actually im starting to re develop my long lost sense of humor about it all really....you gotta laugh eh?

Clancy - spinning on her perch somewhat

[2stop]

((((((((((Clancy)))))))))

Bless your heart...you inspire me, you really do. All of you do actually. I have got a hold of myself. Made my kids pizza for supper, we just had a hard rain, I opened the side basement door and just smelled of the air..it smelled so good. I bought a candle at the store earlier that is scented like cinnamon buns..will light it shortly and sit and meditate on my blessings. It's just been so hard to feel them you know? I know in my head they are there, but those pesky feelings....couldn't live without them..but some of em...should be outlawed. I pictured evrybody in the store in strait jackets earlier today to combat the anxiety and panic...you know how they say to speakers to just imagineeveryone in their underwear? Well, that was a bit much for me....whole nother issue area right there. LOL....I will be fine....

Hang in there, okay? Thanks for being a part of my recovery.

((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

[Paulie]

I kind of felt like putting a bin liner over his head, and pretending he was a lamp stand

LMAO!!!!!!!!!

[zoomer]

Poor Clancy, what a choice! Now it's going to stick in you head for a very long time! I had one shirk say "just snap off a little bit of pill everytime you get a little up set! Hello!!!! I'v tried to tell the doctors for two year that something was funny with my head when taking these drugs, and finaly one person listion. I'm thinking about going back on antidepressents,but never mood drugs ever again! Gee, why don't you try antidepressents? Don't go on drugs clancy, I mean really!!!

[clancy]

It is an uncomfortable choice.But there is no way im gonna go,' yeahthats what I want to do' and being clean, que up in the meth que at the local chemist and jump back into a heap of trouble! I couldn't do it! Not in cold blood! After everything ive gone through i want to try and be clean now.Actually its strengthened my resolve.
I tried prozac and also Lustral before but they wern't for me, I felt cut off from the world around me and became an emotionless robot.It was really strange, and horrible for my partner who would cry,desperatly upset, and i'd just think'' Hmm.....blank' scary.
I was on Ritalin on and off in my childhood and adolesence,for ADHD, and during the periods i took it, I was able to concentate better, was less naughty and didnt hyperfocus, which is where i get a sudden passionate interest in something, and am pretty much obsessed with what ever has taken my fancy.

But i didn't really feel like me anymore. I realised that life was pretty grey without my little fits of passion and exploration. I realised that i didn't particularly want to fit in! All my life i have been known as a rebel, someone who will kick against authority, a troublemaker, a nutter who just gets bored off her jobs and tends to run off over the horizon screaming when told to knuckle down!

It is kind of hard to be me and im hard to live with, im sure. But i want to rediscover who i really am now, and i really want to do it without any drugs to modify who i am. Im trying to love myself more, and believe in me more now.

Im suddenly thinking ' this is the ONLY way to go that makes sense'. Being clean is the start of a different trip entirely, one to get to know who i am. Im going to be positive about it. Forward!


Love, clancy xxx

[2stop]

~Clancy~ Your post shows so much courage...and growth! This was a post that truly touches my heart..........

((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))):redrose

[Jon]

Originally posted by clancy
I went to my addiction doctor today for a sheduled check up.....I told him how i'd been battling against depression since coming off my d.o.c, and how hard id been finding it.He really suprised me when he said '........listen Clancy, being clean isn't everything, if you enjoy life more on a small maintainance dose of an opiate based drug, then im quite happy to provide you with that for the foreseeable future

I gotta tell you, Clancy...I've been doing this thing for awhile now...as a counselor, a program director, a junkie, relapser and sober person.

And I have never, ever heard anything like this. Ever.

You said that he is an addiction doctor. Is that his specialty? Is he registered with ASAM? (American Society of Addiction Medicine).

Not only have I never heard of such a thing before, but it is one of the most absurd things I have now ever heard of!

There are hundreds of non-opiate based drugs to help with depression, withdrawal, bi-polar, etc. And no responsible doctor would offer an addict an opiate based drug with all of those options available.

And any doctor that would make the comment that being clean isn't everything to an addict, especially an addiction doctor, should be investigated, brought up on charges, and have his ass kicked.

Find a new doctor clancy. Because this one is trying to kill you.

[Jon]

Ooops. I did it AGAIN!

This is WIR, huh?

[Chy]

Clancy,

It's difficult working through the obsession of our doc, combated by the emotions that slam us up against a wall. The anger, depression, self-loathing yada yada. But in NO way is this a reason to apply this quacks advice he gave you. I'm with Jon on this one, this guy has no clue what' he's talking about and you should and I really hope you seek out another doctor.
Please don't let this be a reason for you to self medicate with the demon!

[Chy]

Jon.. you know we love your presence around here. Just like a rooster in a hen house we get our feathers all in a ruffle when you enter our coop! *LOL*

[ButterflyChaser]

Clany...Just want to throw one of these in 4 ya!1
(((((((((((((((((((CLANCY!!!)))))))))))))))))))))) ))))

[clancy]

Hi jon,

No my doc is not with ASAM, this is blighty honey! You will be pleased to note I didn't go for his suggestion. Things are a lot more lax in the UK with drugs, You can buy codeine O.T.C in the chemist, even dihydrocodeine is available mixed with acetominophen. There are 'Shooting Galleries' where you can go and be rx'd heroin and shoot up with it then and there, and addiction doctors here will keep you on a maintainance program pretty much forever. I must admit i was shocked at his suggestion too , cos i'd been clean for two months. But thats how it goes here, our doctors are worked to the bone,arent paid alot,and are prepared to keep junkies out of their hair by giving them, pretty much what they want. Its the way they cope with it here, most doctors are the same. Unfortunately,in England you don't get too 'find another doctor'-unless you got money that is!!!- you get the one assigned for your area, thats it.

Anyhow, in a way it gave me strength, I thought, 'i sure don't need you!' and am still fighting the good fight!

Anyway, nice to see ya over here! you are certainly ruffling chy's feathers anyway!!

lots of love and welcome to our coop!

Clancy

[Chy]

Glad you made the right choice Clancy! I forgot how easy it was in Europe to get just about anything... went through the liquid speed in my teens.. did all I could to save up 1O DM for a bottle... stay strong... I don't have feathers!.. plooms darling, plooms! *LOL*