2Stop

[Anna]

How are you doing today? I'm thinking of you a lot and hope that you're feeling better now.

Hugs and love,
Anna

[2stop]

Thank you Anna. I am feeling crazy today..but I did get myself to town..and back. Trying to hold on..the song that says in the end it really doesn't matter...keeps playing over and over in my head. We live, we survive, we die. Maybe it's just that simple...and looking for it to be any better is just plain foolishness on my part. I don't like being so negative...and I am sorry I have actually griped bout how I am feeling, I am a bore. Just gotta try harder...I just can't fake being happy today..I am sorry too. I hate being like this.

How are you? I hope you are doing okay. You are a real sweet lady, and I do feel gratitude in my heart for you and all my friends on here. (((Hugs)))

[Paulie]

Trying to hold on..the song that says in the end it really doesn't matter...keeps playing over and over in my head. We live, we survive, we die. Maybe it's just that simple...and looking for it to be any better is just plain foolishness on my part.

Can I jump in on your thread and disagree with this?? I guess I just did, oops.

Tammie I know you are a very spiritual person, is that what your HP wants you to feel like? NO. And listen, I have some things going on in my life right now that could take me into depresssion is a second but I have been praying all day, I am NOT going to let that happen.

God wants us to be happy, does that mean that life always goes our way? No, but we keep going and we have faith and we look back on how far we have come.

Tammie, don't let those feelings take you over. We love you!

[2stop]

You are absolutely right Paulie. I DO agree with you. But I also know it's not really the crap going in my life that is getting me down..it is my inability to keep pushing through panic atacks, my inability to get done what REALLY needs to get done...I know I can handle almost anything that comes my way..been there done that...but my mental state..that is the problem..and the more I pray lately..well the more trouble I am in....and yes I am discouraged..not so much by the bS and things not going my way...but by my anxiety and panic and depression. I have taken every antidepressant out there....the anxiety gets worse....I have also been having a flare up of really bad really disturbing OCD..and while ashamed of this it is kicking my ass. I have really been losing control lately......If I was able I would sign myself in somewhere to get some really intensive therapy and medical advice. I would......I can't and I don't resent that..I just don't have a lot of options. my family watching me so sick with this is just as bad as them watching me use drugs. The OCD, panic/anxiety/depression is the whole reason I started using drugs...I agree they used me instead...I don't so much want a pill today as I want relief, any relief. I am trying my hardest to have a good positive attitude today, but have been unable to. Some days I cannot fake my way another second....this is where I am at. I am ashamed yes, but I know in my heart how hard I work and try to make my way.The whole reason I AM spiritual is because of times just like I am having right now......but I lose my way sometimes. Past experience tells me I will come out of it, but it always leave me to wonder will I this time? It's the depression talking. I can identify that...What I am unable to do at present is replace those irrational thoughts with rational ones. My addict mind doesn't know a rational thought anyways so...LOL kinda screwed there. If I use my heart as an indicator of what to do...well. can we say isolation and escape... ?

I love you all too. I am just not myself today, and to you and the others and my family I am sorrier than any words could describe.

[2stop]

Paulie..I don't know what you are going through but I forgot to give you some ((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))). I really and truly do care for you all. I care about myself too, just don't know what to do with me anymore.

[Paulie]

My addict mind doesn't know a rational thought anyways so...LOL kinda screwed there. If I use my heart as an indicator of what to do...well. can we say isolation and escape... ?

I am right there with you on that one. but your heart is not telling you isolation and escape...that is your disease my friend, my disease is telling me the same thing right now. Listen to your heart, HP speaks to me through my heart and through others around me.

You can get through this. Maybe you need to think about a combination of things. The anitdepressenents along with some kind of program. I am not pushing NA on you, really I am not . There are alot of support programs out there, I think they are really important. OCD support group of somekind. For me my disease can manifest itself in many ways.

Keep praying my friend, that will not fail you. And keep talking about it, don't keep it inside.

[2stop]

I did call for another meeting. She wasn't going that night...so I thought I was imposing..and have been mulling over another way to get to them. Getting to them is the most difficult part. I enjoyed that night I went to a meeting. it just seems that anyb way I turn I face a brick wall. I know you guys have been in this position too, and I am trying to hold on, I really am.

[Paulie]

Trying is doing...I loved that when I heard it!!

Trying is Doing!!!!

[2stop]

Are you sure you didn't mean trying is dying??? Your version makes more sense for sure. I always think I have to do it right...right off the bat..maybe I am doing more than I think! Thanks Paulie!!(((Hugs)))

[Paulie]

I can tell you FOR SURE that you are doing more than you think.

Trying is doing and practice makes better. And long as we dont' give up, it will be okay!!! Just keep trying.

[clancy]

Tammie,

I so wish that you and i could meet to support each other. It sounds like you are going thru something very similar to me. I too have constant anxiety depression and panic attacks. Those are the worst, i really feel as if i will either go insane or die.I can't cope with my job any more im on sick leave right now.I know i will never go back. But im terrified of what will happen,when i first got clean i ran up a load of credit, nearly a grand. thats pounds not dollars,obviously, its alot more. Now i don't know how to pay it back!!!

Any way im ranting on about my problems as usual. I feel very aware that i use this board to vent and rant and some of the lovely people who strech out their arms and offer love and support are going thru hell themselves. Im sorry to all my friends if i appear like that.Selfish addict behavior.I always used to think i was such a ahem, refined addict!! Took awhile to see the error of my ways, now i know it all aplies to me as much as anyone.

Anyhow tammie sweetheart i wish i could wipe away your pain, you are a really lovely, lovely special girl ya know that? you seem to think of others even in your darkest hours. I don't know if their is a god to take care of us.....i hope so....i wish he'd be a bit quicker off the mark sometimes if there is....Do you beilive? Its so hard for me to see why he saves some, and lets others fall. Ive felt kinda angry with him since he let my best mate fall to her death down the stairs, i mean,why wasnt he there to catch her, she was a good person. Anyway im going on,and going off the point.

Which is!!! God or not, im here, i love ya,and i know everyone else on the board does too.

masses of love

clancy xxx

[2stop]

Clancy, my dear sweet Clancy...You must never feel guilty for getting on here and venting. This is what will heal yoru pain...purging it from your system..and recieving support to master new coping tools. Please don't feel you are selfish!! Did you know that every post you write makes me smile, or laugh, or say I can relate?? That is a very special kind of sharing when we can be brutally honest..Let's face it our emotions and adictions have been brutal with us....I know I find it hard to just vent it out and be vulnerable...but it helps when I do..Not once have I been chastised or put down, or treated badly at all. always love and acceptance..I don't want you feeling bad another minute my friend. You better believe I still have my faith....but it is these dark times that I learned my faith and capacity to believe..so maybe these difficult times are just restoring our souls, as crazy as that sounds. Like the saying goes....Sky has it on the bottom of her posts. Religion is for those scared to go to hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there.
YOU are not a sefish person Clancy..you are warm, and funny, and honest..and you have an awesome way of describing things. I love to read your posts!! I mean it, I really do........so here's my hand..let's hold on tight...the seas seem to be a-churning...we'll be each others lighthouse, okay?

(((((((((((((LOVE and HUGS)))))))))))))))

and (((((((((Light From Across the SEA)))))))))):boat

[clancy]

Tammie,

your loving supportive reply meant so much to me. I get more love here at S.R than I ever have had, anywhere, in my life.Im sure im still here because of this place.....and i found it, and you, and all my lovely friends here, just by chance....or maybe it was'nt.I would love to think someone guided me here.

I hope you are feeling better my dear tammie, you know, i find sometimes its just fighting your way thru the moments that helps....not to think about the future at all,just now, this second, and then the next, and the next. Im really trying to enjoy little things..a hot cup of tea in my hands,sweet and comforting,or playing with my lovely dog, Dylan (named after Bob, one of my heroes!). really tiny little things like just appreciating a beautiful flower or something (..a bit thin on the ground in a late english november...but still...) Thats what i try to do anyway,find a nice thought and try and hang on to it if i feel panic rising,like a tidal wave inside me.

Its easy enough to say, i know,but thats the advice that was given to me,just get thru this moment, find something beautiful,a flower a song,a memory (i use the last one way to much...my gorgeous young lover from back before it went horribly wrong,another story!)

But you get the idea. trying to live in the moment, and survive it, even if its a horible one. Thats not how you spell horible is it? terrible speller.

Im thinking of you out there, across the sea, in a little bed somewhere fighting to keep on going, to take the next breath, just like me. Just knowing im not alone really helps.

Lots of love. night night!

Clancy xxxxxxxxxxx

[Chy]

Tammie and Clancy.. I am praying you find relief in you illness.. I wish I could take it all away for you.. keep the faith.. do whatever it takes.. feel better sweet girls! I'll pray you find relief from this dreaded illness!