Doubting

[DolphinBlue]

I woke up this morning disappointed that I was still in the same frame of mind that I was in when I fell asleep lastnight (ok 3am this morning) so I'm going to vent here and see if that helps.

My sponsor said that I'd be able to handle a relationship at this stage and I believed her. But this is really throwing me around and I'm not sure I can stick it out, really. She says that as long as I know for sure that I won't drink no matter what happens, I will be ok. I felt that way at first but lastnight I realised that I don't have that same confidence anymore.

I like this guy a lot and it seems mutual, but I'm not sure that I can handle it. It seems that lately I am noticing the whole "stay away from relationships for the first year" thing a lot more. Until now I've thought that I was ready, but now I'm thinking that is just denial, thinking I'm unique.

Then there's the whole sponsor issue. Have I picked the wrong person? She's sponsored so many people over 20+ years, how could I have been given this advice that seems to go against just about every experience I've heard of in AA about having relationships early on? I do trust that she would tell me if she thought I wasn't ready because she already has done that. But that rule about relationships just keeps eating away at me.

Lastnight, I wanted a drink. I wanted to escape the madness and feeling of being trapped somehow. That scared me more than I can say so I guess its a good thing that I've still got that fear. I might not have it when I need it next time, that's what I'm so afraid of.

I'm seeing my therapist today to talk about the emotional side of what's going on, I just wanted to vent my fears about my recovery here. Thanks for listening.

Amy

[2stop]

{{{Amy}}} Sending hugs of support your way. I hope you can find some peace in this soon. Hang in there, okay?

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((Amy)))
I am so sorry, but I have nothing in my pockets regarding this obstacle you are facing.
Is it possible to ask that the relationship go on the back, slow burner for a while?
Relationships take alot of time and attention for sure. Amy...I have to ask you this...are you like me?? I am struggling so very hard right now, today, to let my man hug me, and to actually feel the comfort from that. I am learning to let others help me, and that this is ok.
Are you getting what you would like to have in this relationship? Is it mostly give on your part? Are you afraid of letting anyone close enough to you to help you in any way? Is Any of your fear comming from fear of the relationship?? Getting close to someone?
Something is kicking in, causing you to feel fear..only you can find what that is.
I am so very happy that you only felt like drinking, and did not. You have a good deal of strength.
I am very interested in what the other ladies will say about the sponsor..I will keep close tabs on this...
Sending you hugs and hope

[Pony]

{{{{Amy}}}} I just want to say that sometimes our instincts speak to us and let us know where our limits are and when to put on the brakes and when to just go for it. I know that while in recovery we can sometimes be leary of trusting what our own instincts are telling us...afterall we've had years of making bad choices for ourselves. but Amy, listen to what you feel. You may not be fully ready....or it just might be fear that's making you not feel ready...either way all that is saying to you is that you need to take it slow...maybe! Especially when it challanges your sobriety. Your recovery comes first...I know you know that...just had to say it. I hope some of this makes sense or even helps a bit. You are a wonderful person and deserve the best!

I hope your therepist was help for you today. It's one day at a time...and today you are sober!! Today you are here!! And I am greatful!!

Pony

[Chy]

I am glad you came to share with those that love and care about you the most.. IMO! Trust your instincts Amy. If your not ready your not ready. You have plenty of time to pursue this, if he's Mr. Right he'll wait and be patient. No reason to rush this.

Questioning your new sponsor? Give her time as well, you got so comfortable with your former sponsor, you have to remember that relationship was unique in it's own way. Give this one time as well.

I understand, as just when I'm ready to take a step forward in achieving another milestone I get spooked and have to catch my breath, re-visit the situation and come here to all you wonderful people with experiance, strength and hope! I'm glad you shared with us.. we're alway's here for you as you are for us! *hugs*

[DolphinBlue]

Yes I am still sober, that is a huge relief! Chy, still the same sponsor, haven't changed.

Well I feel a lot more settled after seeing my therapist. Its a relief and seems like perfect timing as my sponsor is O/S for a month and all of this emotional stuff is ready to come out.

Sky, all of those things you mentioned are me! I am going to back off for a while and may need support doing this, sorry. Ok the best way to describe my feelings about whether or not to continue is that when I ask myself what I should do, I visualise a big truck reversing out of a driveway and that loud beeping noise they make. The tricky part is trying to tell if it's fear or instinct. I can't tell, so I think I should go the safest route and back off for a while.

I'd just started to really like myself and its too soon to be thinking about liking anyone else.

Well, my past may have affected me a lot more and a lot differently than I thought which is good to know in a way. I've got something to work with at least. The hardest part is the lack of trust now, a lot of what I thought was real and dependable is changing all over again and that leaves me in a kind of limbo. I'm not even sure if this is a lack of trust in myself or if everything really is different to what I thought it was. How do I even know I can trust this therapist? Why do I even need to rely on someone's else's take on my own life anyway? I wish I could just rely on myself, but I'm not even sure what reality is at the moment.

So, I'll just do what he suggests and nurture myself. As he said, not just when I think I need it, or when I feel like it, but as often as I can no matter what. I know that when I'm nurturing myself it doesn't matter as much what happens on the outside, I miss that. I'll try again.

Thanks for your concern and kind words, it means a lot. You all have been a constant for me in chaotic times.

Amy

[zoomer]

Hi Amy, the part of growing is learning to beable to depend on yourself. Seeing a shrink is part of that process. Here is a flip side to look at too. Maybe things are going so well for you, that maybe the "sick self" is making you try to find something to get upset about or move away from someone that makes you happy. Also, I thought you were dating this guy and not in a relationship? Did it bump up into something more? Relax,it's just growing pains

[DolphinBlue]

It could be that Zoomer. I guess it did step up, we were seeing eachother exclusively although not as often as most people probably would. I have had to back off a lot of times because of the neediness I can fall into so easily. Anyway, a break will be good and he understands.

Thanks,
Amy

[zoomer]

Hi Amy,nothing wrong with stepping back!!! I'ts wonderful he is so understanding! let me know how things went in a few weeks.

[Chy]

Hi Amy sorry..about that! Must of had you mixed up with... was it Paulie? *I spend way to much time here, LOL*

Glad you found comfort from your therapist!.

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((Amy)))
I really admire you for your ability to know yourself, and to know when something is not right with you. I am so glad to be able to see you take care of you in this way..I will remember this if I should need to do this for me.
I still do have trouble trusting my own instincts at times, and I hate that!
With me, I have always stuffed everything, and have just recently stopped doing it. When we are in a situation, it can be so very hard to see it as it truly is. This is where my counselor is like gold to me! She will say things or ask a question that I inevitably think about after leaving her office....and then things kind of slip into place.
The trust issue is a sore one for me! I have been having to trust my man alot lately! I really think for me that the fear of people outweighs the not trusting.
This is weird, but my first insticts are to trust everyone until they should be proven otherwise, but fear all of them, no matter what!

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks everyone. It's ok Chy, I get people mixed up too sometimes.

Sky, I appreciate your kind words. I wish I could say that I know myself but I'm really just taking the safe route because I can't tell the difference between old fear and present instinct. The way I give and take back trust is exactly the same way that you described. I'm not sure of how to get through that one, but at least we are not alone.

Hugs,
Amy

[SkyIsFalling42]

I can't tell the difference between old fear and present instinct.

This that you said, is very interesting to me. I think that maybe that is where I am at also. See, you have an ability to pin point these things in this manner. that is a wonderful asset.

And the trust, I never looked at it as "giving and taking back." That is a very good observation, and helps me alot.

Yes, it is nice to know that others struggle with the same issues as we do. But the codependency in me hates to see others struggling and hurting as I do.

Oh what a life we lead, we complicate things for us without even realising it!

Sometimes, I wish I were a bird, but that doesn't last long. You know, the projecting into the future thing..I get this mental image of a bird with a cracked beak, broken wing and gum stuck to the bottom of one foot. Of course, the bird still has a smile on its face, because God is good..but still....not a nice picture. Think I will just give that thought up.

[Justme57]

Hi Amy , this is the first time I have read your thread , and must say , that if I felt unsure about a new relationship at this stage , i too, would be stepping back. Only for my own good , which, while selfish, is what we need , right ?

I am so glad for you that your guy is understanding, and is giving you your space to heal, thats terrific !

I was in a relationship when II made the decision to quit drinking, and I have been so Blessed , cos my man has supported me to the MAX! he keeps telling me he is very proud of me , which is great ! He drinks, but unlike me, he can drink responsibly , and does not get drunk. he has made the comittment not to drink when with me , ( I will miss our Looooong luches with the bottles of red ! ) lol

I suppose it is easier for me , cos we dont see each other every day , but I value his support .

I am glad that it is working out well for you , and your recovery

HUGX
Lee

IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME THAT YOU ARE BEING CHECKED. WHEN
I AM CHECKED I " PAUSE ", I THEN ASK MY HP WHATS UP WITH
THIS. 99 PER CENT OF THE TIME, I NEED TO WORK ON
ME JUST A LITTLE MORE.

DON'T BE SO FREAKED OUT OVER THIS THAT YOU TAKE A DRINK.

LIKE THE OTHERS HAVE SAID, STEPPING BACK A LITTLE BIT IS
GREAT. EITHER THE GUY IS NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU OR
YOU HAVE MORE ISSUES THAT ARE BEING TRIGGERED OFF BY
THE RELATIONSHIP.

RECOGNIZING THIS IS A BIG STEP IN OUR RECOVERY. INSTEAD
OF PLUNGING IN WITH BOTH FEET, AND HAVING A MAJOR
CONSIQUENCE TO DEAL WITH.

ATHORITYANGEL

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks for the replies, I haven't visited this thread in a while so I'm sorry about the delay but I really do appreciate the input and support.

Well, I've backed off and so far so good. I'm up and down and all over the place, changing personalities all day every day, but underneath it all I've found a new compassion for myself and there are moments where I feel really proud of myself. I was always ashamed of my anger, pain and shame and would get frustrated with myself, but now I feel ok (sometimes really good!) about feeling these things and that's pretty big for me.

Hugs,
Amy