Life never ceases to amaze me

[Stephanie]

Last February, many of you know I had an incident with my two best friends over their judgment about how I handled my husbands relapse. The incident ended with me walking away from those friendships. A few months later I started to worry because all of the people I usually associated and socialized with were in AA. Now my life was changing and the people I spend the most time with are fellow moms in my moms club, moms from my sons pre-school, and moms from my play-group. I was worried because even though I see these woman on a daily basis, I didn't have a relationship with them that I felt comfortable talking about anything personal. Especially about anything related to drugs and alcohol or all the character defects and drama that surround the life of a codependent drug addict in recovery married to a dry alcoholic. Pshew........

Anyway, the girl that I'm co-president with in Moms club and I had a really long talk one night and it turns out she smoked pot like 5 times a day and recently quit because she got pregnant but was worried about why she smoked that much and wondered if she had a problem.

Last night I went to a parent meeting for my sons pre-school and there is a woman there who runs all the meetings who always seems to have her sh*t so together. Sometimes just because of the mere fact that I'm a drug addict, it makes me feel different or broken, if you will. I was talking about some difficulties I was having with my step son to this other woman and she came up and joined the conversation. We actually wound up outside her house talking for a long time. It turns out she has a step mother and her real mother was physically abusive and her step father is an alcoholic.

It's not the fact that these people have experience with the issues I struggle with that gave me a spiritual awakening in regard to this stuff, it's more that I realize how much I judge myself in comparison to people "in the real world." For a long time I have felt like I lead a double life. My AA life and my life aside from AA. I think being involved in AA for so long gave me some kind of fear that if I moved away from the program and developed other interests, that I would be asking for trouble. Also that I would lose my support network.

I still talk to my AA buddies and go to meetings once and a while. I have some of the closest friends ever from AA. I am just realizing that doesn't set me apart from the rest of the world. I don't know why I have this picture painted in my head about people in the world with their perfect up bringing and their perfect house and their perfect kids but because I am a drug addict I'll never be as good. In all reality I know that isn't true but I'm just realizing that deep inside, that's what I was thinking because I have been so amazed that I'm getting closer with woman who are not in AA and they have just as much sh*t as anyone else in this great land of ours.

Huh, who would have thunk it??????????

[SkyIsFalling42]

Stephanie
We are so critical on ourselves with judging, I know. What a good thing to share with everyone.

[Anna]

Yes, we really do judge ourselves too harshly. I don't talk to people in the 'real' world about my problem with alcohol. It's something I choose to keep to myself and I have found, when I have gotten anywhere close to the topic of addiction, people judge you. I have found though, that even the most together-looking people, have their own problems, just as we do.

Love, Anna

[Paulie]

Steph -

I undertand what you are saying 100%. I often think that I am different then them, for lack of a better way to say it.

I have 2 very close friends, both 'normies' I have recently distanced myself a bit from my friendships with them because of the drama they create it their own lives, just like I do if I am not careful.

Last week I was talking to my SO's brothers girlfriend - and she said she was meeting with an insurance agent talking about life insurance and disability for self employement and stufflike that . She said through conversation it came out that he was in the program too. so she tells me that meant to her that she could trust him more. And she was so upset when he tried to pressure her to sign the contract without all the numbers and blah blah blah. I said to her just cause someone is in the program does not mean that they are not human, it does not automatically mean that they are an honest upstanding person. It was all very interesting to me and reminded me of my first couple of years, or maybe like 4 or 5 years when I thought the same thing.

My aunt who is a member of alanon said to me recently it would be great if the 12 steps were taught in high school. I knew what she meant right away.

No ones life is perfect, some people can just look that way on the outside.

I am happy for you Steph that you have this feeling of connection with these women, not only can you be yourself now, but they can too and that is a gift for both of you.

Thanks for sharing this, cause I need to be reminded, that others feel like I do too, judging of themselves and unsure sometimes.

love to you my friend.

[Roses are red]

I just came across this thread and wanted to add my 2 cents.

I too feel, I guess for lack of a better word, "inferior" at times
around others. Especially in some settings with other mothers who don't work, etc. Always referred to them as soccer Moms
or the tennis Mom group. Alot of them did all the organizing, etc.
with the sports teams, etc.

One Mom, who I always admired, thought she had it together,
and was so friendly, turns out to have an addiction problem. Has gone to rehab and is trying to get it all together. The kids changed school so that they might have a fresh start.

I was reminded, we are all human. On the surface, I may think
something of the other person, and it may all be a facade. Even though I am not as "secure" as I want to be., I know I am working on it.

Sometimes I wonder if others have ever looked at me the way I
have looked at them.

Rose

[SkyIsFalling42]

My thought on this is that the public notion of addictions and such is based on ignorance. It can be so hard for some people to know what something is like. I think that most of us may have codependency and other issues brought on by our up bringing. For instance, I can spend 5 minutes max with a person and know what they are all about..what kind of person they are. We have sensitivities and insight that others may not have. Walking into a room overwhelms us..we see, hear, smell, sense everything at once. It is not hard for us to put ourselves into anothers shoes..so to speak.
I spent most of my childhood watching my mother and others around me..to see what kind of mood they were in. So I could adjust my behavior accordingly..hoping for some control in an uncontrollable world. Thus, my ability to feel anothers feelings.
I would not know what it was like to be the only one wearing all red on saint patricks day..unless I have done that. But I can sure get my imagination going and projecting about how that would make me feel. Others simply to do have that ability, or do not care to have it.

[Stephanie]

Originally posted by SkyIsFalling42
I would not know what it was like to be the only one wearing all red on saint patricks day..unless I have done that. But I can sure get my imagination going and projecting about how that would make me feel. Others simply to do have that ability, or do not care to have it.

Sky, I may be on the wrong track here but I think you're saying that we spend our time wanting to be the other people we're talking about or want to understand how they feel. I may be totally wrong if that's what you were saying but it made me think of something.

Before I was using, during my using, and for a time when I was new to recovery, I don't know if I much noticed that there were other people around me, let alone cared to know what they felt like. How I felt and what was going on with me was far more important. My codependency is all about me too. I can obsess about my husband but if you realistically look at it I am just dealing with self centered fear. I don't want to be hurt.

I have learned through the steps and service about consideration, acceptance, and love. It's a daily reprieve especially being diligent about unconditionally giving to my children 24 hrs. a day when I don't feel good or I want to do something else. It's hard because I can still be that self centered addict sometimes. I get myself out of it by using the tools I have learned.

In the post I wrote, the premise is not much different. I am worrying about myself and where I fit in based on the pre-conceived notions I have of people in the program, soccer moms, and the fact that my experience has told me that I view who I am based on being an addict and an alcoholic.

Paulie really hit the nail on the head. I am having a really hard time explaining it but when Paulie said that her friend trusted this guy more because he was in the program. I have friends in the program who don't have many associations that are outside of the program. It became my network. Even the plumber I used was a recovering alcoholic. As I have gotten older and had my kids I moved out of those circles and moved more in the direction of the soccer moms. My fear was that I was putting my sobriety in jeopardy and was different than these other woman because I am a drug addict.

[Paulie]

(((Stephanie)))

have I told you lately how much I learn from you? well in case I haven't...I learn a heck of alot from you.

that is something that has always scared me....only being a part of the fellowship, no other activities friends, etc. but you have done that, you live life with all the outside things. I take my stepdaughter to her drama class in the summer, I volunteer to help backstage and dont' know what to say to the other moms, cause I feel different.

Since I live with someone in recovery, I kinda of secluded myself from other thigns. I have a good friend that is not an addict but that is different. It is hard to explain.

Steph - I think you are doing great, you are right it all comes from fear and fear is out disease. Your life is so full and so busy and you stillwork so hard on yourself, give yourself a break once in a while and be proud of yourself, cause you deserve it!!!

Love to you my friend

[Chy]

Hi Steph.. when I first started AA and was feeling shameful and "broken" I was lucky to have picked my sponser when I did. I told her how I felt.. just as you described. she said to me "everyone is sick in their own way, your way is alcohol, and never ever let anyone make you feel less then them just becase your sickness is with alcohol" I then came to realize and understand now I don't ever have to feel less then or broken again. so long as I use the tools provided to repair myself everyday.. we're all just a little flawed.. in different way's. Glad you reminded me of this.. because I DO forget it sometimes! *hugs*