Advice please....

[LettingGo]

Well I am going through a divorce as many of you know. I am also five months pregnant with this man's child. I am questioning my own judgement here ladies. I thought I could leave and never look back. We had a whirlwind engagement, we partied together, and all that goes with that. We bought a home and blended lives very quickley. I got sober, he did not and all hell broke loose. I started not trusting him (for good reason too), and the second that happened I could never get a grip on the situation again. My imagination and insecurities were running wild. At about the worst time possible, I found out I was preggo. Neither of us reacted to this well, and that led to a bunch of other crap. Basically within a couple of weeks after finding I was preggo, I left him.

Since I have left, he has done a huge turn around. He SAYS he has quit drinking and pills. I know better than to just believe that. Truth be known his drinking was not as big of a problem as mine was for me. He handles things better, but none the less alchohol became an issue in the home. He is totally supportive of the baby now and he maintains a good job, insurance, etc.... Things are better in his life. I have been gone 3 months now, and with us having a baby together I cannot help but wonder how things could be. He is willing to do anything to get me and my 3 kids (from previous marriage) back.

I keep thinking of all of the reasons it would be too difficult to get back together. What if it doesnt work out! Uproot the kids and all of their affairs again! Blah blah blah.... The kids are my main concern in this.

I just think about the life we could have together and wonder if I am making a mistake and just being pig headded.

Opinions please!

[Paulie]

He is willing to do anything to get me and my 3 kids (from previous marriage) back.

If the above is true, than he will be willing to wait longer until you are sure. I cannot tell you to go back to him or not to, what I can say is take your time. Actions speak louder than words, and this is coming straight from an addicts mouth. 3 months is not a very long time at all. And as you said, kids going back and forth is not a good thing. Give it some more time until you are sure in your heart for all the right reasons. It is normal to miss him and it is normal for him to be on his best behavior to get you back. I hope I am making sense, I am not bashing him or anything, I just think you will know in your heart if and when that time comes.

Take it easy, being pregnant, with 3 kids has got to be not that easy, take it just one day at a time and keep thinking of you first!

[LettingGo]

Thanks Paulie,

You know that I am most worried about my mother's reaction! How strange is that but she is so opinionated and nothing I do is ever right where my relationships are concerned.

I guess I can just date him.... take our time since we didn't before we got married! Very short engagement. I have options it seems. I am a very black and white person, its either all or nothing it seems. I guess this is an area that really is grey....

[Paulie]

I am a grey person....but I have a tendency to sit in the grey too long... I have to be careful too.

I think dating his is a great idea. There is no need to rush things, like I said, actions, just let it happen this time. You have you and 4 others to take care of my friend.

And about the mother thing...oh I can relate to that one! That takes practice. I worked on this alot with my sponsor this past year. Changing the dynamics of my relationship with my mom. It is so hard, and even harder when they just don't understand what you are doing, all they know is you are different. It will come, all the sudden one day you will realize that her opinion does not matter to you. I don't mean that you won';t care about it, I just mean it will be different, it will feel different.

it takes practice, cause we make the change inside us.

[Chy]

Hi LG! *hugs*

I saw how you struggled with this in the begining and remember how bad this relationship made you feel. But since you both have done some soul searching and both have changed in the positive direction then perhaps you could just date as you mentioned and see if there is any flicker that could be rekindled. You've doing things on your own for 3 months now and will have to ask yourself some serious questions. But if the Lord has intended it to be it will be. Continue to give yourself the time to be sure.... I hope it works out the way you want.

Don't worry about what mother will think.. it's your life and you have to do what is best. She'll still be your mother and love you no matter what you decide.

But take it one day at a time as mentioned. Love and hugs.. btw.. how's that baby?

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((letting go)))))))))))! Dating is a fine idea! Weather you stay with him or not, he will probibly be a part of your life always because of the baby. You might as well get along if ya can! Let him be nice,let him do things for you. You and the baby deserve it! Is it his first child? How nice for the baby though if you could have him be a part of the birth and less stressful for you too. I'm not saying let him move in or you move to him,but things can be worked out for him to be a part of this whole thing. When my 13 year old was due,her father and I did not get along! I moved back and forth several times. he used on and off and everything he did I took it as manipulation because I was told that is what he was doing. Maybe,but the thing is is that he was trying to be kind. All in all he was in my daughters life for about 3 years then he moved far away. Sence my daughter has had problems i went to him for help with her. She is with him now. I never did burn my bridges (as much as he wanted to),so it just goes to show that he is a part of my life always because of my child. I never married him because I was going through a divorse when I met him. Shame on me for getting involved,but that is water under the bridge. Just enjoy what you have now and worry about everything els later!

[bubblze30]

I feel the same if he is working on himself and you are too. Then there shall be no problem with waiting until you are both ready safe and secure. You not only have to work on yourselves now. You need to work together. You have a new member of the family coming and you don't want this child or the other children getting caught in the middle of unfinished buisnes. If he is willing tell him you need to take it slow for everyones sake. If he is willing to wait hes worth it. If hes not then I feel he may not be working on his recovery and all other issues that come with it.

[LettingGo]

Gosh,

I came in this morning and was so glad for all of the responses. I think time is the answer. I did let him come over and see the kids lastnight. They were so excited to see him, and let me know that they prefer when we are married! I am still married to him, but in kid's eyes once the address changes so does marital status.

He is not really the one with the addiction issues so much as I am. I am just hypersensitive to it.... and not to say he doesn't have things to work on in that arena, it is mainly a recovery that I am going thru, not so much him.

We watched a movie lastnight and he sat next to me on the couch and put his hand on my knee. That was as good as it was going to get with me.... I have no interest in sex getting in the way of good decision making. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him honestly that it was just awkward. And it was! But it wasnt necessarily bad, just different. I laid in bed (ALONE) last night and thought about the night, and how it went. It was great with the kids, there is true love between them all there. Why was it that I was not dancing inside? I figure it is that I have a HUGE brick wall that truly would not let me peek around it. I am so afraid of making a mistake either by not giving things a chance or by trying again. At the point I am I could walk away and my divorce could be final in a couple of weeks very realistically. I could leave this wall up and play it safe. Another part of me says, give it time.... the rewards could be wonderful someday. He is a good guy, who has good intentions, and loves us very much. He has a good steady job and we have a baby coming. I just dont know! But I LOVE the advice. It is so helpful hearing the different perspectives!

Thanks