Men? or solitude

[jamdls]

Sex and drinking ALWAYS went together for me, I rarely had 1 w/o the other. 6 months before I quit drinking I was "date raped" I guess, wasn't even a date, this neighbor came over we both got drunk I remember saying "no" and I passed out or blacked-out; woke up the next morning and knew what had happened. I sold my house about 2 weeks later and never saw him again. I gave up men at that point then about 6 months later gave up alcohol. Well here I am 2.5 yrs sober and wanting to date and have a "prospect" in the wings...BUT I'm afraid to date because I'm afraid it will lead me back to alcohol. I'm already thinking that common stupid thought "I could probably drink just socially now". I haven't told this person about my problem yet as I don't want to scare him away.
So my question is: Would you, if necessary "agree" to never having a partner in your life if that was the only way to guarantee your sobriety?
I honestly think that may be the only way to guarantee I will never drink again and it makes me sad.

[suki44883]

Would you, if necessary "agree" to never having a partner in your life if that was the only way to guarantee your sobriety?

In a heartbeat.

But, I'm not you. If your sobriety is so tenuous that the mere action of dating would cause you to lose it, maybe you need a little help in that area. Have you considered AA or some other type of support?

[Anna]

Well, yes, to answer your difficult question, I would do anything to stay sober.

I feel what you are describing, not regarding dating, but depression. Sometimes, I want to go back down into the muck and mess about for awhile, It seems like it might feel good and familiar. But, I know without a doubt, that I can't do that, because for me it would be opening the door to drinking.

Are you 'friends' with this person waiting in the wings, or could you become friends before the relationship moved forward? Maybe a deep friendship with this man would give you the confidence to have a relationship without alcohol.

[Lenina]

jam,

For me a big part of sobriety was learning how to live life peacefully. Isolating isn't living for me. I worked hard in therapy on my personal issues and I worked hard on learning how be sober.

I think sometimes we women get confused about who we are. I read a lot of books about women and learned how to define myself in a healthy way. It took a long time for me to have healthy relationships in sobriety. Maybe you're not ready just yet?

I hope this makes sense. We are so much more than our sex organs! I read a lot books, like Merlin Stone's "When God Was a Woman" and Jean Shindola Bowen's "Goddesses in Every Woman." Anne Wilson Schaef has some very good books too, I really loved "A Woman's Reality." Barbara Walker's books helped me too.

I was lucky to have a few very good, strong women friends who helped me grow.

I don't know if this will help you with your situation but I hope it does.

Love,

Lenina

[MidwestSheRides]

Originally Posted by Lenina

I think sometimes we women get confused about who we are.

...learned how to define myself in a healthy way.

...It took a long time for me to have healthy relationships in sobriety.

As women, so much of our lives revolve around men, we often get confused about who we are. As addicts/alcoholics, it distorts that confusion tenfold. As Lenina said, it's a learning process to be healthy in a relationship and to have a healthy relationship.

For me, that's why I'm on your past no-men path, Jam. I'm fully aware that I don't have what it takes right now to be in a productive, healthy relationship. I'm also aware that men are my #1 downfall.

So I stay away. And I work on my sickness and getting better. And I learn enough over time (I hope!), with help and support, so that I can be involved in a quality relationship a ways down the road. Because I think all of us deserve that opportunity.

[jamdls]

Thanks all for the advice, I am wondering if I'm ready to date. My issues with men started before I started drinking (I was molested for years as a child by a family member) and I drank initially to escape all that. I've made peace w/the person(s) who harmed me and with myself for the most part. I still have issues w/men which is why I have isolated myself, not so much for the alcohol problem (my therapist agrees). I had a dream last night that I went out with this new man, drank (I guess)-had sex-then learned he was involved w/someone else and the dream ended with me alone in an airport with a cigarette and a drink. I don't want to be that person alone in a bar drinking. I can handle being alone w/myself sober, I didn't like the drunk me. So I guess I will stick w/my plan to just see where if anywhere this new friendship leads and if it seems like it's leaning to more than just a casual acquaintance I will tell him I can't drink (I've already told him I don't drink) and why, and if I ever get close to being intimate I will tell him my other "problem"... and if that scares him off then so be it.

[Anna]

That sounds like a good plan, Jam.

And, you sound like you're becoming more confident in yourself and your choices. Good for you!

[ananda]

ok...here goes....

NO... i wouldn't

"agree" to never having a partner in your life if that was the only way to guarantee your sobriety

Just as i wouldn't kill my son if that was the only way to guarantee my sobriety...

Thats what my sponsor calls....ridiculous thinking when I do it....its that sorta all or nothing thinking I get into.

The happiest time in my life was when i didn't drink and avoided men, whcih lead to avoiding women in order to avoid men, which led to avoiding myself to avoid looking at myself as a woman who had feelings for men....

I am willing to go to alot of lenghts to stay sober, but i guess for me i have been both drunk and miserable and sober and miserable....and it was never about a man really..was about me and who i thought i was and my own issues with sexuality and self....

Thankfully I don't believe it comes down to that sort of choice for me today...if it does come to that choice....I just don't know if I could survive going back to that isolation from 1/2 the human race or worse all of it...anymore than i could survive another drink.

But thats just me and i only have a few months after 25 years of trying to find sobriety...and 17 years without having a man in my life in an intimate way....

I do believe that each of us have different paths to walk even though we are all going in the same direction toward the same goal

[jamdls]

Well if I had to drink to save my daughter I'd do it in a heartbeat there is nothing I wouldn't do in a life or death situation where she is concerned; but she is the 1 and only person I will ever make that statement about. I've been single for 16 yrs and 80-90% of all that time I've been happier single than I ever was married, I dated excessively up until 3 yrs ago. I stopped dating in order to work things out w/myself and then I stopped drinking. I don't feel I avoid men or women it's just since I've been sober I haven't socialized outside of work or church because all the "friends" I had before are still all partiers and I have no interest in that life anymore so I spend most of my time alone. I think my issues are probably more my fear of intimacy than they are of drinking. So I just have to be very very cautious.

[rubbersoul]

I very much relate with you. I've never had any kind of sexual relationship without involving alcohol/drugs. I was also "date" raped from being out of my wits and in bad company. I haven't had a relationship since so I have similar fears too. Anyway, I think what you said about just being very cautious with people is true - that's what I'm going to do whenever I meet someone. Good luck!

[Summerpeach]

can you maybe just make friends and not make it so official with the dating.

I dislike dating and when I was single, I would go out with guys as friends, play poker, shoot some pool, bike ride etc. That way there was no pressure to date.

I didn't connect on any level with many of these men, but we had fun hanging out and some are still good friends today.

Maybe this can ease you into it again?

[tallcactus]

You deserve the best of everything and deseve a man that will value you.
He already knows that you don't drink, so I say, see where this can/will go.
Does he drink? Very important issue, to maintain your sober lifestyle.
Are you able to talk about anything with him? This is important too, since you will need to share your past with him.
Wishing you the best, my friend.

[jamdls]

Thanks for the responses. After writing this and thinking about it a lot I realized I'm really not worried about drinking, i was thinking if I dated I would or could wind up drinking but I was really just using that fear as a reason to isolate. I'm not afraid of drinking, I can't even stand the smell, heck I literally hold my breath and close my eyes when I have to go past the wine/beer isle at the grocery store! not because it tempts me but because it nauseates me. When I drank I used alcohol to push men away and then I decided I preferred to drink alone, and since I stopped drinking I've used my sobriety as my reason for not dating. I'm not that "fragile" and it's about time I quit hiding behind all the barriers I've put up. Sheesh I'm a grandmother it's time I start acting like a grown up. I am going to be alone with this man for the first time on Sunday afternoon, we are meeting for lunch-I met him once before in a group setting and we've talked on the phone but this will be the first time f2f w/o others around and I'm NOT afraid. After talking more on the phone I don't think we have much in common (he's very hyper always on the go and talks a lot, I'm very laid back (a homebody) and rather quiet) so I'm just looking at this 'date' as practice.