Uncontrollable Emotion

[lionheart]

Hi Everyone

I am on Day 50 today which people keep telling me is fantastic - 1st time through AA and not a drink in sight for 50 days..

So Friday I lose it (cried) in a meeting coz I shared and let out some emotion over a work colleague who is getting under my skin. I am doing my best to be the better person and also not allow him to get to me but it just does.

I think there are a few reasons, although I am starting to doubt reality so who knows. One of them, is that I KNOW he treats women as poorly as possible. He cheated on his ex girlfriend and stares at women like meat and the feminist in me, personally cannot stand him and has no respect for him. He is out for himself at work and that is another trait I find highly unethical when working in a team environment. So, I dont have any time for him and I find this gets in the way of me keeping my mind on the reality of his performance at work. He gets under my skin so much and it irritates me because he is just not worth my energy.

So I am crying in the meeting while sharing as it finally took its toll on me emotionally, all good, had a cry and its out.

I went away this weekend to visit my mum which is always a good thing and it was. Then we emptied the boot of the car with the left over alcohol because its no longer needed. Its been out of the house for a while but not given away since my mum lives a distance and I wanted her to have most of it. So my step father didnt know anything of what was going on and asked what was happening with all the alcohol - this was while i was in the shower. So when I got out, I started explaining it to him.

You know, its like on one hand, its quite empowering to admit to another person who is family but on the other hand it makes it OH SO REAL.

On the drive back home, a car decided at the last minute they wanted to get into a turning lane that was already backed up, the car in front of me had to slam on brakes and so did I. It shook me up, the brakes locked up, the car slid, the tyres smoked and we missed by inches, just inches. So I turned at the next street and got out of the car and just cried, all upset and emotional and shaken up. My body was shaking and muscles all tense and in shock basically. It scared me - I havent had a near miss while sober but I handled it so much better when I wasnt, can you say bizarre!

I went to my usual Sunday night meeting tonight and got there a bit early, talked to a few people which was nice and then sat in the comfy chairs (i dont like the standard ones so makes sure i claim the comfy ones early). It was then, when I was sitting alone, still, that it hit me how the accident panned out. I was not really hurt although I have jared my wrist and elbow but there was no hit, no damage but emotionally I fell apart. I just cried and cried.

One of the members came up to me and asked if i was ok ( I had stopped again at this stage) and then it all started again and we talked. It was lovely. She talked me through some things and put me at ease.

So all of this got me thinking even more - coz my fricken brain just wont shut down sometimes - and it made me think my emotions havent changed much since I started my sobriety. I am sober, and do not want to drink but nothing much else has changed.

It saddened me that I was at a stop still point and wasnt sure where to move forward. I do know that I am meeting someone on Wednesday for coffee to see if she will be my sponsor and if she says yes, all good to go - if not, I really dont know who I can ask and I dont want to stay in this place. I dont feel healthy and happy about where I am at.

I know its probably taken me longer than they suggest to get a sponsor but its my journey and I dont know how to make it any different..im working on it.

I am writing this because I need to hear it back, I need my own kind of therapy and this works for me. I know I will sleep better tonight because I have written this and I know tomorrow will work itself out. I know that I should be thinking of today and being in today and that I just need to stay sober today....

I just want to start working on ways to cope when things arent pretty - Ive lost that ability, or at least the confidence that I have the ability and want it so bad.

Thanks for reading ...

LH

[Ceres]

"I think there are a few reasons, although I am starting to doubt reality so who knows. One of them, is that I KNOW he treats women as poorly as possible. He cheated on his ex girlfriend and stares at women like meat and the feminist in me, personally cannot stand him and has no respect for him."

You should charge him rent for all the space he'e taking up in your head. ;-)

I did the same thing. A woman at work sat right behind me and was having an AFFAIR. I knew her husband. So she'd be all giddy on the phone with guy and endlessly IM'ng him on yahoo. Drove me absolutely nuts.

Having my sponsor there was the only thing that helped me. As I would talk to her about it. Blah, blah, blah. And she'd look at me like the nut I was. After a while I learned to see how foolish it was. So, after a little while, it just didn't matter anymore.

[Sugah]

LH, I remember when my own emotions returned in sobriety. I've heard others say their first day, first week was emotionally wrenching, but I got a reprieve for, oh...about fifty days ;-) And maybe that was grace in a way, because three friends and family members died in that time, two others I knew fairly well but who hadn't been in my life for a long time, and all of them were drug and/or alcohol related. But that's neither here nor there, except to say I didn't even cry when I learned of their deaths.

But later, while I was trying to cobble together a Christmas for my kids, the pain hit me. The actions of certain people around me, plus my own circumstances -- I pretty much cried my way through Christmas (not all of it "negative" tears, either -- watching my kids on a hard-candy Christmas morning and seeing what miracles they were had me bawling buckets).

I've heard it said about sobriety: "The good news is you get your feelings back, and the bad news is you get your feelings back." Can I say I'm grateful you were able to let loose in a meeting, allowed the woman who approached you to be of help? And if something happens Wednesday morning that she must say no to working with you, ask her to recommend someone! Because my traveling makes it difficult to work with others in the manner I think a sponsor should, I offer to be sober support and suggest other women who are more physically able to do frequent face-to-face meetings.

Before I forget -- I'm glad you weren't injured in your close call. I can relate to feeling acutely mortal. That feeling ruled me for awhile, but it doesn't anymore -- and in the interest of keeping this post from running into the pages, I'll just say take the steps. Once my emotions woke up in early sobriety, they were very close to taking the reigns from alcohol as my master. The steps and the spiritual awakening I experienced as the result of the steps taught me (among other things) how to deal with those emotions.

Keep trudging!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[gneiss]

Hey. I don't venture to women's forum often but here I am tonight. I am seriously annoyed with myself because I can't seem to control my emotions. I've been clean/sober for 8 months and I have these crazy periods when I cry every day. I'm on the end of one of these weeks now. It's getting better but still so miserable. I hate crying myself to sleep night after night. I have zero self-confidence, my self esteem rivals that of most earthworms (may not even be that high), and on my worst days I don't just think of going back to drinking and drugging as a temporary thing to get through one bad day, but as a permanent thing. If I simply let it take over again I wouldn't feel anything and in some ways that would be preferable. It's exhausting.

I don't have any advice really, I guess. But crazy emotions are normal. I don't think its typical that it goes on for 8 months though. Maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

[lionheart]

Alizeren - you blew the wind up my butt like I kinda needed. I absolutely get that is a waste of my energy and time over someone I dont respect and it doesnt really matter. Where does he really fit in my life? I mean, I am looking for another job so it wont be forever and I dont socialise with him...pfft end of that one!

Sugah - as always, wise and great information and advice. I am glad that someone sat with me because she was gentle and nice and listened and gave me some positive feedback. Fingers crossed I get my sponsor tomorrow and I can start REALLY working on the steps, although I have taken things into my own hands and going to a steps meeting tonight! Yes our time difference makes things strange - its Tuesday morning here...

gneiss - hang in there...i hope things get better for you!