The Ex has appeared! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

LettingGo · 09-25-2003, 10:22 AM

Well my ex husband, father of my three children has been MIA for the last six months or so. This has been a blessing and a curse. When I was much sicker in the head than I am now (dont get me wrong, Im still one sick puppy), I would fall into the chaos he brought around. I would cry, obsess, lose sleep, etc.... whatever he was harping on that day I would also get wrapped up in. Well I have been concerned about the kids not having him around. I feel like they feel a bit abandoned by him and kind of figured some contact was better than none. Well I do believe I was wrong. The kids got some good time with him to visit, play and laugh so that was good for them. He came to the house and he and I visited. I tried to keep it light so he did not go on his obsesso kick about the past and what not. Well to no avail! We went from calm superficial conversation (exactly my intention) to the obsesso conversation. He has such a way of putting that manipulative spin on things..... well I am happy to say that I recognized it right away and did not feed into it! I literally at one point watched his face and mouth move, and imagined him quacking!!! The Quackese dictionary came to mind at the time. He must have thought I was nuttier than ever when I burst into hysterics as he is discussing the wreckage that I caused in the past........

Some one's signature, cannot remember who, said Nothing changes if nothing changes. Boy is that true. I used to look into his eyes and question if he was still using meth. If he was high then etc.... Now it does not matter! I probably for the first time realized last night that even if he were clean, which is not the case, I just dont like who he is. All of the what could have beens if.... kind of washed away. HE, from the inside out, does not fit my TRUE self. That is accomplishment there.

In AA I get a token for being a good girl and not drinking/ using. Well I think I deserve a token for this, and I got one! I have a token in my heart called closure, peace, and contentment. I HAVE ARRIVED!

Ah, thanks girls! You are true friends....

bikerprincess · 09-25-2003, 10:31 AM

Awesome...letting go...I know that feeling all too well. That "it is finally over thing that happens".

How are you feeling? I haven't seen an update lately?

Anne

Juls · 09-25-2003, 11:40 AM

Letting Go,

That is terrific. You did exactly what was necessary for you. Not feeding into his mess. You do deserve a token.

I hope your kids will be o.k. having to deal with a semi-absent father, and I think you are right in not keeping them from him, unless he is under the influence. Still, it's got to be hard for them not seeing him for six months, and then he shows up and is all laughs and playtime.

Keep on taking care of yourself, and your kids. Good things will keep happening for you.

Juls

Pamsters · 09-25-2003, 12:24 PM

Letting Go,

You did just that you let go. I have been a similar situation before myself. Although, he wasn't my kids' dad but my youngest though of him as his dad and still does. The last time I saw my ex; it was terrible he was "high" at the time. I didn't see at first (probably because I was in my good world) but he tried to tell me he had a good job and makes lots of money and that he missed me and the kids. He used right in my office building in the bathroom. I couldn't believe he did that. Anyway, enough about me. Congrats!
It is a really big step; my suggestion to you would be that he gets visitation rights if he really wants to see his kids. Which means he has to go to the court and ask for that. My kids' dad didn't do that because for him it was about seeing me. He wanted to control me. Once I didn't let him anymore he stopped calling and 'saying' he wanted to see his kids. Sad, because the kids are great. We got over him being around; I made sure the kids had other male role models around so they could get their fix on that male bonding stuff. If your kids are old enough they will understand eventually.

Paulie · 09-25-2003, 12:26 PM

LG -

Yahoo - you go girl!!!!!
That is awesome - I have to say reading your post about him quacking - cracked me up!!!

and yes, you do get a token...and Awesome strong woman token - you are the hero for the day!!!!!

LettingGo · 09-25-2003, 04:12 PM

Hi girls,

Yes it feels good! It is sad to have the kids have a part time (and thats generous) dad. You know though, I dont think they expect anything from him. This morning no one even asked when they would see him again etc.... I think they know he has nothing else to offer. I think it was apparent as well that he is interested in ME, not them. How sick, how sad, but how true. It definitley took some of the ghost away for me. I guess I needed that lastnight for some closure....

Ann.... update..... well not sure if you know I am going thru 2nd divorce (I am so greatful for this ex versus my 3 kid's dad from lastnight).... anyways, I am preggo and sitting tight at 18 weeks! It is going well though. As I said in another post, we get an ultrasound on Monday to find out what flavor we get! I am excited and hoping for a girl, but I will love either one obviously!

Chy · 09-25-2003, 07:28 PM

I am very proud of you! Your doing good!

zoomer · 09-26-2003, 06:57 AM

I love the part about the quacking and you laughing! It makes things so much niceer when you have laughter to back you up! I think you were right in letting him see the kids. Although, I would have insisted on him taking them out to McDs and all that. It's his visitation,so he needs to arrange the plans and the place (as long as it's not dangerous or unhealthy). Too many women still control or fall into the trap of Codependent by visitation. maybe i'm wrong,but it's the realationship between the father and the children,it has nothing to do with me and who am I to block it. Visitation only works if both parties agree and as the kids get older, tehy have to agree to it too. just because it's on paper does not mean it will be followed. Ya, i use to accuse my Daughter's father of not taking all his visitations dates! he would not show up, or cancle... It was just one more way in which we could fight about things. Then he moved to NM and that was that! Every couple of years for a few days he would see my girl. Anyway,good for you!

LettingGo · 09-26-2003, 09:47 AM

Oh I have always encouraged visitation. He is the one who is opting out of their lives. He just cannot seem to grip onto a relationship with the kids if I am not involved too. He even said once, " I cannot have them without you..... " I cannot understand that but it is his thinking.....

zoomer · 09-26-2003, 11:35 AM

Wow! That is strange! A responciblity issue or fear? Good for you though by helping him out! Now that my daughter is with her father for this school year, Iv truly kept my mouth shut on a lot of things that I would do different. I can't help but have a few chuckles because they are sooooooo much alike and each has met their match in eachother. I talked to him the other day and he said everyday it's always something! "No,really"! I said! LOL, it was the same with him! he said "I told her not to share makeup at school and she does it anyway". Like really he exspects her to listion to him on the first try! I have to give him credit though because he is just as stubborn as she is and I can hear him grit his teeth and say we will get through it. Only thing is is that he blew up at me like it's my fault she willnot listion to him. He has a lot to learn about teenagers and exspecailly ones with ADHD and mood disorders. One good thing about all this though is that my daughter is learning I was not so bad after all! I was for the most part fair and now she is realizing it.

ButterflyChaser · 09-26-2003, 11:59 AM

WooooHoooo! I'm so sooo happy Ãœ for you!! Wow!! what an awsome feeling it is to finlly let go huh??

09-25-2003, 10:22 AM	#1 (permalink)
LettingGo Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Utah Posts: 330	The Ex has appeared! Well my ex husband, father of my three children has been MIA for the last six months or so. This has been a blessing and a curse. When I was much sicker in the head than I am now (dont get me wrong, Im still one sick puppy), I would fall into the chaos he brought around. I would cry, obsess, lose sleep, etc.... whatever he was harping on that day I would also get wrapped up in. Well I have been concerned about the kids not having him around. I feel like they feel a bit abandoned by him and kind of figured some contact was better than none. Well I do believe I was wrong. The kids got some good time with him to visit, play and laugh so that was good for them. He came to the house and he and I visited. I tried to keep it light so he did not go on his obsesso kick about the past and what not. Well to no avail! We went from calm superficial conversation (exactly my intention) to the obsesso conversation. He has such a way of putting that manipulative spin on things..... well I am happy to say that I recognized it right away and did not feed into it! I literally at one point watched his face and mouth move, and imagined him quacking!!! The Quackese dictionary came to mind at the time. He must have thought I was nuttier than ever when I burst into hysterics as he is discussing the wreckage that I caused in the past........ Some one's signature, cannot remember who, said Nothing changes if nothing changes. Boy is that true. I used to look into his eyes and question if he was still using meth. If he was high then etc.... Now it does not matter! I probably for the first time realized last night that even if he were clean, which is not the case, I just dont like who he is. All of the what could have beens if.... kind of washed away. HE, from the inside out, does not fit my TRUE self. That is accomplishment there. In AA I get a token for being a good girl and not drinking/ using. Well I think I deserve a token for this, and I got one! I have a token in my heart called closure, peace, and contentment. I HAVE ARRIVED! Ah, thanks girls! You are true friends....

09-25-2003, 11:40 AM	#3 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,095	Letting Go, That is terrific. You did exactly what was necessary for you. Not feeding into his mess. You do deserve a token. I hope your kids will be o.k. having to deal with a semi-absent father, and I think you are right in not keeping them from him, unless he is under the influence. Still, it's got to be hard for them not seeing him for six months, and then he shows up and is all laughs and playtime. Keep on taking care of yourself, and your kids. Good things will keep happening for you. Juls __________________ Think World Peace

09-25-2003, 12:24 PM	#4 (permalink)
Pamsters Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 60	Letting Go, You did just that you let go. I have been a similar situation before myself. Although, he wasn't my kids' dad but my youngest though of him as his dad and still does. The last time I saw my ex; it was terrible he was "high" at the time. I didn't see at first (probably because I was in my good world) but he tried to tell me he had a good job and makes lots of money and that he missed me and the kids. He used right in my office building in the bathroom. I couldn't believe he did that. Anyway, enough about me. Congrats! It is a really big step; my suggestion to you would be that he gets visitation rights if he really wants to see his kids. Which means he has to go to the court and ask for that. My kids' dad didn't do that because for him it was about seeing me. He wanted to control me. Once I didn't let him anymore he stopped calling and 'saying' he wanted to see his kids. Sad, because the kids are great. We got over him being around; I made sure the kids had other male role models around so they could get their fix on that male bonding stuff. If your kids are old enough they will understand eventually. __________________ Just For Today Pam S.

09-25-2003, 12:26 PM	#5 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	LG - Yahoo - you go girl!!!!! That is awesome - I have to say reading your post about him quacking - cracked me up!!! and yes, you do get a token...and Awesome strong woman token - you are the hero for the day!!!!! __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

09-26-2003, 11:59 AM	#11 (permalink)
ButterflyChaser Meow! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Somewhere Over the Rainbow Posts: 1,020	WooooHoooo! I'm so sooo happy Ãœ for you!! Wow!! what an awsome feeling it is to finlly let go huh?? __________________ "If a Child feels Safe, Wanted & Loved, You are a Successful Parent!" ~~"A relationship is like sand in your hand. If held loosely in the palm of your hand it stays there, but as soon as you close your hand tightly it slips through your fingers!!~~

09-25-2003, 10:31 AM	#2 (permalink)
bikerprincess Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: St Louis, MO Posts: 189	Awesome...letting go...I know that feeling all too well. That "it is finally over thing that happens". How are you feeling? I haven't seen an update lately? Anne

09-25-2003, 04:12 PM	#6 (permalink)
LettingGo Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Utah Posts: 330	Hi girls, Yes it feels good! It is sad to have the kids have a part time (and thats generous) dad. You know though, I dont think they expect anything from him. This morning no one even asked when they would see him again etc.... I think they know he has nothing else to offer. I think it was apparent as well that he is interested in ME, not them. How sick, how sad, but how true. It definitley took some of the ghost away for me. I guess I needed that lastnight for some closure.... Ann.... update..... well not sure if you know I am going thru 2nd divorce (I am so greatful for this ex versus my 3 kid's dad from lastnight).... anyways, I am preggo and sitting tight at 18 weeks! It is going well though. As I said in another post, we get an ultrasound on Monday to find out what flavor we get! I am excited and hoping for a girl, but I will love either one obviously!

09-25-2003, 07:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
Chy Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx Posts: 5,867	I am very proud of you! Your doing good!

09-26-2003, 06:57 AM	#8 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,495	I love the part about the quacking and you laughing! It makes things so much niceer when you have laughter to back you up! I think you were right in letting him see the kids. Although, I would have insisted on him taking them out to McDs and all that. It's his visitation,so he needs to arrange the plans and the place (as long as it's not dangerous or unhealthy). Too many women still control or fall into the trap of Codependent by visitation. maybe i'm wrong,but it's the realationship between the father and the children,it has nothing to do with me and who am I to block it. Visitation only works if both parties agree and as the kids get older, tehy have to agree to it too. just because it's on paper does not mean it will be followed. Ya, i use to accuse my Daughter's father of not taking all his visitations dates! he would not show up, or cancle... It was just one more way in which we could fight about things. Then he moved to NM and that was that! Every couple of years for a few days he would see my girl. Anyway,good for you!

09-26-2003, 09:47 AM	#9 (permalink)
LettingGo Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Utah Posts: 330	Oh I have always encouraged visitation. He is the one who is opting out of their lives. He just cannot seem to grip onto a relationship with the kids if I am not involved too. He even said once, " I cannot have them without you..... " I cannot understand that but it is his thinking.....

09-26-2003, 11:35 AM	#10 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,495	Wow! That is strange! A responciblity issue or fear? Good for you though by helping him out! Now that my daughter is with her father for this school year, Iv truly kept my mouth shut on a lot of things that I would do different. I can't help but have a few chuckles because they are sooooooo much alike and each has met their match in eachother. I talked to him the other day and he said everyday it's always something! "No,really"! I said! LOL, it was the same with him! he said "I told her not to share makeup at school and she does it anyway". Like really he exspects her to listion to him on the first try! I have to give him credit though because he is just as stubborn as she is and I can hear him grit his teeth and say we will get through it. Only thing is is that he blew up at me like it's my fault she willnot listion to him. He has a lot to learn about teenagers and exspecailly ones with ADHD and mood disorders. One good thing about all this though is that my daughter is learning I was not so bad after all! I was for the most part fair and now she is realizing it.

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