I really AM ANGRY!

[CrackQuack]

I posted this in the women's forum cuz I know there are lots of us here who are mothers. When I was in active addiction, I sent my eldest kid to live with his dad (he honestly, would have been better with his crackhead mother, cuz his dad's gf and his dad were both strung out on sh** too- and my son actually broke his dad's jaw when they got in a fight). And I let my second ex dictate how my time with our son went, because I thought I knew it was better for my kids and honestly, Mommy was choosing crack over her babies anyway.
So long story short. Almost 10 months clean. Court order says we SHARE parenting. I don't really want to drag my 13 year old son through court, but at the same time I do. I am not getting the time I want. Every weekend, it's the same **** ****. "we've got plans". You name it. Anything this **** can make up, he does. I try on Mondays, to ask about the coming weekend. Too early to tell. Tuesdays. Too early to tell. Wednesdays. Let me get back with you. Thursdays and Fridays is "we've already made plans."
I am just ****tired of this bulls**** and I am going to cuss and rant and rave because there is nothing I can do about it except that and cry.
I am clean now. My SON WANTS TO BE WITH ME. He's said so. He said he wanted to spend THIS ****WEEKEND WITH ME because I am going to Florida with my boyfriend next week and weekend. I am sick of this. I am just ****sick of this. Tired of the bull****t lies. This weekend it's "He's going to Columbus with me to fix Aunt So and So's ****computer". Like a man with FOUR ****COMPUTER DEGREES NEEDS HIS SON TO FIX THE COMPUTER. Do I look like I was born yesterday.. ****this ****
OMG I am so mad right now I want to scream. All I can do is sit here and cry. It's completely ruined my weekend. And I just wish I could do something about it.
This same dad was iffy before I started smoking crack. I had to fight to get school schedules, grades.. Always had to be right on top of him like stink on ****. Class functions. He'd try to not tell me about parent/teacher conferences.
Ladies, if you're redneck/hillbilly/"low class" like me, never EVER EVER EVER marry a rich, spoiled, snobby, ****, single child who will NEVER be a man. Who gloats and does the "I told you so dance" when you do mess up like he's perfect and never done anything wrong. The freak. THE FREAK!!!!!!!!!
Neither one of my baby daddies were worth two cents. What was I thinking??
Sorry.. I am just so upset. I have no idea what to do, and I was already online when I talked to my youngest's dad.. So I came here. Sorry if I offended anyone or anything..

[LegalLady]

No need to feel like you offended anyone.

I can't say I know what you are going through because I don't have kids but I'm sure others will show up. I can say I know how you feel. So mad and so angry. Remember you can't control these men no matter how Cheezy they are. Calm yourself down for a second. Do you have a sponsor who you can talk with. Keep calm, do the next right thing for your babies and yourself. Be peaceful and this too will be okay. Silly talk I know, but it can work out. Say the serenity prayer.

I have so many exes that I'd love to smash their faces in. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have children involved. Try to remember how much you love your kids and these goofballs did do something right. Gave you some beautiful children I bet. If that's all you can focus on so be it for now. That's all you need.

[barb dwyer]

you have no idea ... how well I know what you're feeling.

[barb dwyer]

sorry.

hadto get it together for a minute.

this hits very very close to home for me.

The only advice I can give you is

surround yourself in recovery before you make any choices.
make all decisions from within recovery.

Talk with your sponsor ... often.

This is one of those HUGE things in life
that ... can shoot us back into our addictions
and self abusing behavior like nothing else.

I'm pullin for ya.
And prayin, too.

[Ajax]

I cringe when I read things like "Men Suck" or "I've had so many exes. I'd love to smash their faces in". Can you imagine the reaction if someone on these forums wrote that about women? I understand the anger involved, but there's no excuse for male-bashing.
Read the threads on SR. There are plenty of irresponsible women and men who have children and partners that they treat badly. Each instance different from the next...

That said, why would you be dragging your 13 year old through the courts if you contest your current visitation with your son? It would only involve you and his father and would probably result in a more crystal clear schedule that you both would have to keep to or forfeit visitation rights. It would also give you a chance to channel your anger towards your ex where it belongs: in court, where it can produce a result.

I am divorced and have 4 kids. I have learned that regardless of what is going on with my ex and myself, it does me no good whatsoever to put myself in such a foul mood as to take away from my time with the kids. It's just not worth it.

[CrackQuack]

Thank you for your viewpoint, but the reason I came to a women's forum was so I could bash men. I am angry. I am hurt. And I don't care what people think about it. I don't go into men's forums and read their stuff, but if I did, and saw them female bashing, sure, I wouldn't like it, but ya know what, we've got to vent somewhere, or that's how some of domestic violence occurs. Trust me, I've been through that too. I've EARNED my right to vent and cuss and call men names. A lot of women have earned it. Whether they want to or not is their business, and when I am angry enough, I would like to know I've got somewhere to go and vent, safely.
WE have shared parenting, in which I agreed to supervised visits, when in active addiction, NO court involved, for the sake of my child. I let him dictate and control our time together, because I thought it was best for my son. Who wants to be around a mom who gets high anway?? Well, I don't get high anymore, and I've not had, what was agreed to, in a court of law, shared parenting for over a year. I am supposed to get him every other weekend. Several weeks in the summer. Every Wednesday. Which, we've always made small adjustments according to school and work schedules. At first, it worked well. Back in 2001-2004. Right after my dad killed himself is when my ex really started trying to play with the time together with my son and I. I've always had to fight to get report cards, parent teacher meetings, and other involvements like that, with my son.
He left ME for another woman, yet treats me like I should not date. He's HATED every man I've dated since. He's got a point with THAT MAN who shared his crack with me. The other two men I've dated have no criminal records, no arrests, not even stupid crap like speeding tickets. They don't do drugs. They treated my son well. It's like it's OK for him to have someone in his life but not me, and I get punished by him making plans with my son, on my time. Which, to me, hurts because it takes away from both of us.
And you better believe we're going to court. I will file contempt of court because this has gone on long enough. I just needed somewhere to vent and get my anger out so I can get my head on straight before I go down there and get the ball rolling. It would be really eye opening to tell the judge "Your Honor, we're here today because I'd really love to stab my ex in the neck. Or cut his heart out with a spoon because he's a real douchebag. He's been that way since my father passed, and justifies it with my PAST drug abuse, now. Now he has an excuse, in his mind. So I'd really like to kill him. "
I can imagine how well that would go over.. Like I always say, we can be angry. We can say or type words and think bad things. It's what we actually DO with those thoughts that set us apart from the other animals and crosses the moral boundry.
HE took away the time with my son. HE made plans to drive him up to Columbus. THEN he tells my son he'll NEVER spend a night with me and he DID make those plans ON PURPOSE in order to avoid him being able to come here. Yet he'll string me along by telling me "I don't think we have plans this weekend. Let me check. I'll get back with you. " Crap like that. Yeah, and I am the bad girl for bashing him. I'll bash him all I want. Never in front of my son. I tell my son it makes me angry that he did that, but I don't call him names or anything. I don't believe in that, but I DO believe in being able to write it out.
I feel a lot better afterwards.. Ok, I am still angry, but eventually, I'll get my head on straight. I've got all weekend. Courts are closed until Monday. So I'll stew. Yeah. It's not doing anything, productive, no. But I feel it. I expressed it. I'll move on, get a good strategy going.. Learn to spell. LOL!
Thank you for your POV though. I am not meaning to direct anger at you. If I did, I apologize.
As for the other responses, I really like the surrounding myself in recovery. I have no intentions of using, and no desires. It actually feels good to feel like I can be angry. I can be going through a rough time. And I don't want to use. Thank you so much for your prayers too. I really appreciate it. It's always a blessing to have your HP on your side.
Thank you, everyone. For letting me vent. For the prayers. For the advice. It's a horrible time. I don't like this one bit. But, with my friends online and in person, I'll make it. We can do it! THANK YOU. I am actually starting to feel better as I write this..

[laurie6781]

You vent here whenever you need to! I do understand.

Venting here and with your sponsor will have you calmer and your head clear when you start strategizing on Monday your next step of going back to court. It will give you time to get your documentation together, hopefully a log book, where you have noted dates that he has not allowed your visitation, all his excuses, all the the struggles you have had to be kept informed, etc.

When the court date arrives, hopefully your sponsor, or someone who knows how far you have come in recovery goes with you.

Because of the age of your son, the Court may even appoint a Guardian Ad Litem for him to speak for him to the judge. The "Guardian" will also be 'allowed' by the Court to visit with your son WITHOUT his father present. This should help immensely. Even at your son's age, most Family Court Judges, if they do want to talk to the child(ren) will do so 'in chambers' just the Judge and the child(ren), not in open court.

I have added you and your son to the 2 prayer lists I belong to.

Know that we are walking through this with you 'in spiritl' When you are down and frustrated, just picture this BIG group of SR Women surrounding you (almost like those Verizon ads, lol) ................................. we are there with you!

Love and hugs,

[Sugah]

A couple of things come to mind. The first is that I can't think of a single course of productive, positive action that is better taken while angry. So, the first suggestion I have is to get this all out of your system before you take any action -- and then, make the focus of that action what's best for your son, not on any desire to put it to the ex.

The next thing that comes to mind is that it takes time for others to see and accept changes in us, and that putting down the drug often isn't enough. My daughter's father is a very sick man, still deep in active addiction. He does his best to bait me into an angry response nearly every time he calls. If I take the bait, he wins and I become the irrational bitch I always have been. So I don't take the bait. Ever. Is it easy? No. And I usually need to do what you've done, which is to find a safe place to vent. Which means I'm suggesting to you, no matter how frustrating and infuriating this situation is, letting loose on him isn't going to help the situation. Just an extension of what I said above. If you lash out, use profanity, threats of any kind -- you're back to square one in proving that ten months off crack has made a difference in the kind of person you are.

Finally -- my husband handles a lot of child custody cases and many of his clients are people in recovery trying to reenter the lives of their children. He's up front with them -- you use, you lose. I saw your thread about having your drink spiked. It won't matter in court if it happens by accident. If he requests a drug test and you fail, it's game over. And you may not like this, but though you may see your life as your own giving you the right to do with it what you want and keep any kind of company that you wish, if your ex can prove that you are friends with those "in the life," it's not going to look good for you. These things can get nasty. My ex once tried to use my connections to a motor cycle club -- and if it had been another town, he may have been successful. As it were, the club was pretty active in the community and the judge recognized it and disregarded it. Knowing as I did what some of the members were up to, I did work up a sweat over it.

For the record -- I have two biological children, two step-sons, and I raised a bunch in the past (always attracted to men with children -- don't know why). I lost custody of my kids for a year and a half over my drug use and mental health issues. I screwed up a lot as a mother, and that included my first year in recovery when I was trying how to learn all over how to be a mother. I'm adding my prayers to your quest. Have faith that if you keep doing the next right thing, this is going to be okay.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[CrackQuack]

Thank you for the great words of wisdom and prayers! I really appreciate it. And thank you (and SR) for allowing me to have a safe place to vent. I am starting to feel a lot better now (some of it was due to getting the energy out by working!). I don't intend to lie in court. If the judge asks if I was on drugs, I will say yes. Except for the ritalin, I don't do drugs, and I didn't do that intentionally, but you make a great point on that as well. It's not like he knows I pick her up, sometimes. Nor do I hang out with other druggies. He likes to think my best friends are doing drugs. He wants to believe the worst. I don't even try to tell him otherwise. I know better.
I get that "I don't care, it's my business" attitude, but here in Ohio, he has to prove those people are on drugs and my son is taken around them. Both of my sons and I lived with my best friend for 5 years and I can tell you, in all honesty, -I- was the only one that did drugs in that house the entire time. When the kids were at friends or over at their dad's house, I was in my room, claiming to be ill, smoking. Sick, I know.. I am so glad to be over that.
In Ohio, the mother has strong favor in the courts. Delphi Grandma (a friend from GM) has a daughter whom she got custody of her 3 grandkids from. Recently, despite testing positive for cocaine and pot, she got all three of her kids back AND one of them has downs syndrome. I think it's only because Delphi Grans husband passed away. I know, if I were a judge, and someone comes back dirty, I ain't giving the kids back.
There is a lot to bring up, in court. A lot of trash, dirty laundry, whatever you will... But I know, in the end, as long as I endure it, they'll enforce the agreement made in the divorce decree.. The past is the past, and I endured his controlling the situation long enough. It's time to let the court decide. I just took up some cleaning houses, this weekend, to make some extra money to pay the filing fees and for a lawyer. My Mom has a lot of money in the bank, and wants to help because she knows HIS parents will pay for his lawyer, but ya know what, I can do this and I had to fight for the first kid in court. I can do it again. Can you believe I had to fight a DEALER for my first kid? He didn't want to abide by the divorce agreement either. I married some real winners. Not that I am all that great or an angel, but these guys really make men look bad. They suck.
Thank you again. So much. I am feeling better! Less cranky. Less offensive/defensive. Less grumpy and b itchy. I hate being angry and upset. I'd rather get going on doing things productive! Rather than

[barb dwyer]

In my opinion,

You have a right to come here and vent.

i'd much rather you vent here
than stuff the anger
for fear of upsetting someone's sensibilities
and make any choices or take actions
based from within that anger.

again I caution to be IMMERSED in your recovery
this is when running ideas past sponsor
it definitely a plus.

You also have a right to see your kid
when allowed by the court
I do caution you however
the court has the right
to make its decision
and will scrutinize
the length and quality
of your sobriety.

Check
double check
and then do a check
on the clarity of your timing
the true source of your motivation
and your reasons for wanting this right now.

Whenever we want something 'right now'
we almost never get it.

[littlefish]

Try to get some legal advice to prepare yourself for the court. I don't know about things like this, but there used to be legal aid and what not when I lived in the US. I would never, ever enter a court in the US without legal counsel of some kind.

[CrackQuack]

Originally Posted by Bucyn

Go back to court and get a solid visitation schedule with dates and times.

Friday, Nov 14, at 6:00 pm, custody passes from father to mother at the local police station.

Sunday, Nov 16, at 6:00 pm custody passes from father to mother at the local police station.

I had all my custody switches take place at the police station because they will document whether you show up on time, whether he shows up on time and will keep you apart so he can't mess with you or you start something with him. All Michigan police stations will do this. It cuts down drastically on domestic violence. Other states do it too.

If he doesn't produce the child at the judge ordered time and place, you take your order to the police and they will go to your ex's home and get the child for you while you sit in your car at the curb. If ex isn't home, you file contempt and ask for a reversal of custody. Your son will not be dragged through the courts. Children are rarely allowed in court; maybe your child will speak privately at another time to a guardian ad litem who will advocate your child's wishes to the judge. If you are clean and your ex is not, and your son wants it, perhaps a reversal of custody is in order.

You need to stop talking to him. He doesn't need to know who your friends are or what your activities are provided you are clean. If you have a court order stating time and place of custody exchange you don't NEED to talk to him. There's nothing more to talk about.

Also go to court and get it in the judge's order that you are to have access to school, medical and other contact. Then carry that order with you to the school and the doctor, insist they make a record for the file and they will comply. Schools and doctors don't want legal problems, your ex is giving them a song and dance and has a great story and they don't know who to believe. He's custodial, so they believe him. Wave a court order and they'll believe the judge.

In reality they don't care, they just want to cover their behinds.

Good luck to you and congrats on your sobriety.

Honestly, everything like that is already ordered through the court. We agreed, upon our divorce, to shared parenting with him as the primary resident for school purposes. So our son could go to the schools in the district my ex lives in. It is even worded that way.
It started out with me just having to fight to get access for doctors stuff and school records. Then slowly worked up, about around the time my Father died, to "can we have him this weekend for this?" or "He has this activity for school on this day." Which would have been OK had I been invited to attend too. I had to just show up, and my ex would get embarrassed because his second wife (back then) and live in girlfriend (now) was whom he told them was our son's mother. I have suspected that these women wanted it that way, especially since the first time his girlfriend met me, she hated me and called me names. All this before I tried crack.
For me, I don't care whom he dates as long as she treats my son nicely. It's his business. Until she starts interferring with the relationship between my son and I. His second wife, I got along with. I still think she influenced him a great deal, but we got along fine.
His girlfriend, from day one, hated me. My ex said she was jealous. Of what? I've been in a couple relationships, and was in one when they met. I have my guesses, basically HE is jealous, but that's all it is. Guesses. Hunches. Ideas. And I never let any of it really bother me (sure, I'd say some offhand comment to my close friends), except when it comes to my son.
It's why a laywer suggested I file contempt of court. My ex doesn't use drugs, to my knowledge. His girlfriend drinks a lot, to my knowledge, and has missed work due to her drinking. But he doesn't do anything that I know of. And if he did, I would be supportive in helping him quit because I've been there. That is, if he wanted to quit.... Anyway.
It's a mess. A lot of penny annie stuff will be brought up. Why didn't I fight this sooner? What about my past drug use? Why do I live at two homes (weekends at the boyfriends, weekdays at mom's)? My measly paycheck. Why haven't I bought things for him (because the grandparents DO- not either parent, other than food- the grandparents)? All kinds of things, it's really a complicated mess and I am willing to go through it for the sake of my son because when he cries, I cry. And it broke my heart and made me SO angry when he called me crying about having to go to Columbus instead of seeing Mommy for the weekend. That was the breaking point where I got sick of being nice and asking, politely, for my son on my weekends.
A lot of great advice, thank you so much. Reading your reply, even though we've already got a court order, really puts things in perspective and helps. Thank you.

[indigo]

Welcome I understand what you're saying & you have every right to come here & let your feelings out, vent , vent & vent some more we are here to listen to you & offer you kindness & support we are not here to judge or tell you what to do. We do not walk in your shoes & it seems to me you have a great deal to be angry about. Holding anger in is unhealthy & makes us ill (jmo) keep coming back good luck in attaining your goal & again welcome.

[LBW]

CrackQuack,

It sounds like you really love your son. It's so good that you have gotten clean and sober for him too. I'm sure it must be so painful to have to be apart from him so much.

I was just wondering if you have tried to sit down with your ex to calmly explain your feelings? Maybe you could set up a meeting to discuss the situation. One good thing is that your ex sounds likes he really loves your son too. He is trying to look out for his best interests. The ex is being inconsiderate and unfair to you about visitation... but maybe he just doesn't understand your addiction or recovery process. He doesn't trust you... and maybe he should now.

I wonder if it would help to introduce your ex to your sponser (or someone else whose been involved with you during your recovery)... maybe your sponser could tell him how much you have changed and how hard you are working to be a better parent for your son. Maybe hearing this from a third party would help him believe you really have changed.

Hopefully, your ex can be reasonable if he is given more reasons to trust you. If you can get a better outcome without having to go through the time and expense of the courts, it would probably be best for all involved. Maybe it won't work... If not, going through the courts is probably your best option.

I don't know. I'm not divorced so I don't have custody problems. I can imagine how painful this all is. Good luck to you. Keep up your sobriety! And remember, no one can ever really take your son away. YOu are always his mother. He will always have you in a special place in his heart where no one else can be. No one... not the ex, not the step-mothers, no one... can take that away!! Just continue to tell him you love him and continue to make him proud of you by staying sober.