Not pretty enough

[Gypsy Feet]

Let me preface this by saying I am really not looking for validation, but advice. I have a couple of people in my life (thanks mom=) who are fond of telling me how pretty I am, if that worked, I wouldn't be posting this.

The idea that I am a child of God, or a creature of a loving universe is o.k. too, but I am talking about physical attractions and relations.

So, I got dumped by a guy last weekend, and I took it far harder than the situation warranted. I spiraled for a bit, and today I landed upon at least a major part of the problem. I don't believe I am pretty enough to date. Lame right? I know there are people out there who go for more than looks, as I am one, but this is some internal damage.

I have dressed down (sloppy and boy like) since my teen years. I don't wear make up, dresses or heels. I don't wear clothes that fit. When I go out, on a date or to social settings, I always assume my personality will suffice.

It is entirely possible, in fact probably, that this guy walked due to issues having nothing to do with me. I may end up being thankful, because as I poked and prodded my wound, I finally found the source of my misery, and that is, I figure I am just not his "type", because I am not most people's type.

So, I am grateful for the nice bits and pieces of me I have, and I know many have it worse. I also am ashamed to say it even matters, as I love the idea of loving myself for who I am and despising all of those "magazine" suggested archetypes. Now on to the part where I discover how to not feel substandard. Any suggestions? I am sure this is a totally common problem for women everywhere, with today's hideously unachievable beauty ideals, so has any one out there figured out how to stop feeling like they are not pretty enough?

[Bamboozle]

GF, I wish I could help. I feel the same. Everyone says to be myself and I'll get dates...but I am myself and nothing happens. I think people are just trying to be nice to me because they like me as a person and don't want my feelings hurt.


I don't wear makeup...it's not my thing...besides, it makes my acne worse because even non-oily crap clogs the pores. I actually like women better without makeup. I don't feel this way as a matter of protest...I just think that natural looks better. Makeup has a tendency to even things out and that unnatural evenness looks fake...and unappealing. I notice more women not wearing makeup now. I hope that’s a trend that sticks. Women don’t need makeup. They are beautiful as is.

That being said about the natural I don't feel that way about my body hair. From the waist down it has got to go and stay away. Oh yeah, and my pits, too.


I don't have anything else for you except a hug. I think you're great. You have a wicked sense of humor and are compassionate. Most people don't give a damn, but you do.

[Sugah]

I had a whole long story typed out, but I'm going to try to keep it simple

I had trouble turning 40 last year. I realized a lot of ideas I had about aging and beauty were really and truly screwed. I set about trying to make peace with my faded youth.

I had my maidenhood, I had my period of fertility and motherhood. My youngest child, my daughter, turns sixteen next week. My son and all my step-sons are now adults. It's time for me to embrace the crone -- the period of wisdom. I don't know how I'm doing, but I'm trying.

And for the record, I've recognized recently that, though I don't turn any heads on the street, and though I don't care that anyone but my husband finds me attractive, I still seem to draw the attention of elderly bikers and bookish old men

Love others, love yourself, and that love will shine in your eyes. There's nothing more beautiful than that.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by Sugah

I still seem to draw the attention of elderly bikers and bookish old men

I draw the attention of mullet-wearing greasy haired creepy middle-aged men who seem to have stalking tendencies. Ha!

[littlefish]

I don't wear makeup...it's not my thing...besides, it makes my acne worse because even non-oily crap clogs the pores.

I have extremely oily skin. Had bad acne as a teen. I switched over to olive oil based soaps a long time ago and recently switched to a mineral based makeup powder.
It is sold by the Body Shop but I think a couple of other make up lines carry similar products. I live in Sweden and women use very little makeup here: being naturally healthy is makeup enough!

[OzSandy]

I attract the creepy kind too, eek. I'm straight, but have never been the girly type, don't like dresses or makeup much. I'm not really interested in dating, don't mind my own company. But it's okay to be presentable, enhance your best points to work for you, etc. Beyond that I don't give a damn. I'm not going to try and look like somebody else or rearrange myself to suit.

[skid650]

much like the rest of you, i am a jeans and t-shirt type. i have even found a way to wear jeans and hiking books to work without attracting comment from the boss (black jeans, cleaned up boots, button-front 3/4 sleeve shirt). I quit wearing make-up in college, and can definitely NOT relate to women who chat fashion (Oooo! your shoes are soooo cute!)

so how do i maintain my self-esteem and sense of "fitting in" and being "wantable" in our society? i stay away from where flighty, giggly, make-up-wearing, sexy-dressing women go. Guys don't want to do anything with them anyhow except get them in bed. When the guy finally gets bored with the shoes-and-makeup conversation, he walks, and she feels devastated . . . after all, she's "gorgeous" . . . why would he leave? *insert eye-roll*

any man worth your time will be more interested in who you are, what you do, what you believe, where you find fun, and how you think, than he is in how stereo-typically you fit the "beauty" mould.

have confidence in yourself (that's what actually makes people, male and female, attractive) and know that he didn't walk because he was bored with you. maybe he's shallow, idk, maybe he's got issues he doesn't want to face, idk, maybe your interests aren't his interests and vice versa.

there are many reasons relationships don't go where one or both want it to go. the pain and sadness of a lost relationship is not a cue that we are ugly or worthless . . . it is meant to force us to take the time to examine the dynamics of the relationship and see what can be learned from it.

good luck beautiful women!
(and remember, "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle).

[Gypsy Feet]

hmmm, sug you may be on to something. My youngest is 22. When I was married, this would have never come to the surface, as my husband thought I hung the moon. Now I just don't want to be so desperate for attention that I set myself up. I do like being "alone" 9 days out of ten (in this house, I am never really alone), it's that tenth day I have to worry about.

Embrace the crone . . .I'll have to give it some thought. I never felt pretty as a youth either, but maybe the crone and I can come to terms. Otherwise maybe I have to move to sweden haha.

Thanks to everyone else too. K, thats what I love about you too sweety, honest, kind and hella funny!!

[51anna]

Interesting thread Gypsy.

I was kind of the opposite. I always dressed up, always wore makeup, did my hair, ironed everything I was wearing no matter what time of the day or where I was going. It took me years to realize that I was hiding under a mask and trying to get people to like me because of how I looked. How inappropriate is that? Anyways, I finally became more comfortable with how I look and it now has more to do with how I feel.

[LuvinMe]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if you dont think ur pretty than who will? It's great that you realize these issue's so you can change them. No one is perfect!!! I personally have dealt with bad acne for years, and yes it made me feel insecure through the years but I realized this is who am and I must love and accept myself.


When a woman feel ugly & not good enough she project an insecure energy, so guys thats looking for sponsership will usually be attracted to her. They know her self esteem is low and only want to use her!

In order to attract what you want, you must become what you want. It's very hard but please start loving you more and dressing nice for you. Smile more and work on yourself.

By the way this is a great post because a lot of women will not admit this, so I applaud you...

[least]

I wore tons of makeup in high school, then after I got out I threw it all away. Did'nt want to be bothered at putting in on and taking it off. What a chore. I've never thought I was pretty. For a while, in high school, I thought I was ugly, hence the makeup to hide myself. Now I don't think I'm ugly as much as just 'nondescript', not worthy of a second glance. It doesn't bother me much but some days I'm unhappy with what I look like.

I try not to focus on looks though, mine or anyone else's, cause it's what's inside that counts. It took me years to learn that but I finally did.

[JenT1968]

I have never thought I was attractive, I am struggling with an irrational belief right now that if I leave my marriage I will never love or be loved, be attractive or attracted again.

The strange thing is when I look back at photo's of myself 5, 10 15 years ago I am blown away at how pretty I was, yet at the time, I thought I was a) unattractive and ) too ugly to "deserve" love (which is a whole other belief system problem).

I wish I could have believed then what I believe now about how I looked. This makes me think that perhaps I have a distorted view of my external image all the time including now. I certainly have a distorted view about what that means in terms of my attractiveness and worth.

I am trying to "act as if" I am beautiful (as a person, a human, inside, not related to my surface features).

I think it of practically all other humans, I am trying to view myself through the same non-judgemental lens.

[Gypsy Feet]

ditto. I know 15 years from now I will love the woman in the me photos, just have to get there today

[susanlauren]

The image of beauty in our society is unattainable. See the "pretty pictures" in the magazines and realize the photos were all "airbrushed". Even the models aren't good enough but have to be improved. Enough. And we wonder why there are so many young girls and young women suffering from eating disorders -- anorexia and bulemia. Why are we trying to obtain an image of perfection that doesn't exist. For me, I am perfectly imperfect, and I am grateful for the unique and beautiful creation which is me. Susan Lauren

[OzSandy]

If I do get dressed up it's to express my individuality, not to follow trend or fashion. I like my eyes and try to wear colours to bring them out... but I have sensitive skin as well and most days don't bother with the makeup. I've always thought that many women look much more interesting as they mature. What's in their soul and personality is more apparent. Great posts everyone.

[Sugah]

One of the students in my gender studies class turned me onto a video she watched in a sociology class. Google "Killing Us Softly 3" -- you'll find a link to a preview copy of a 34 minute video on the way women are portrayed in advertising. It's eye-opening, to say the least.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[barb dwyer]

I think it would be impossible to completely depend on one's personality - considering we're daily bombarded by impossible images throughout all media whether it be newspapers, television, magazines - anywhere!

It's also really common for us to start in on ourselves subliminally (-sp?) when we don't have our DOC to pick up any more. We beat ourselves up even harder.

having someone break up with us is tough enough without having to toss recovery on top of it.

We always start the old ; I wasn't **** (fill in choice of self abuse)enough.
Short enough, petite enough, Tall enough, rich enough, funny enough, pretty enough, young enough....
I think you're smart to come here and talk about it - rather than internalize it.

When I was thinner, I didn't 'fix' uip either.
I almost never wore makeup, hell they were lucky I dressed and on a good day brushed my hair!

But now that I've gained weight =- if I 'go out' in the 'raw' I'm noticably treated differently than if I 'fix' to go someplace - and that's just how I'm treated by people in the same line of work as me!

Discrimination by weight is a fact of life, i've learned.

[LuvinMe]

It's so refreshing to hear how we as women suffer from the same issue's. I always thought I was alone and that every woman was happy and so secure.

The truth is society has tainted the image of "women".. It's really sad, especially watching these younger girls grow & mimic what they see as acceptable. Most of them are dayum near nude, no mystery left, just show it all.. It's mostly to keep a man happy, when the truth is know matter what you do or say, if he dont want you then he wont stick around.

We need to empower ourselfs with self love!! Society cannot define us, a man cannot define us.. I DEFINE WHO I AM. I know longer need approval, I am me and I am beauriful. Take me as I am...


@ Gypsy Feet, about the break-up, it sounds like you are going through the different stages of grieving. Still very early and I am sure your feelings and emotions are all over the place. One thing for sure, it's not your fault & it doesnt have anything to do with your looks. Remember you look good enough to start with. For whatever reason he wanted out. Let him go and move forward. I know it hurts, but you can do it. Here is a link with your process & maybe by reading this, you will speed up the healing.

The breakup blues: 7 stages of grief

[littlefish]

On the other hand, I didn't give a rats Xss how I looked when I was drinking. I remember the months when I wore old T-shirts under men's flannel shirts because my beer belly made wearing bras too uncomfortable.
Being sober I finally bought a nice leather jacket for the first time in 20 years, plus a pair of nice boots. I was so into self-hatred that I thought I didn't have the right to spend money on clothes: I was spending too much on booze.

My sober interest in my appearance isn't really based on trying to match beauty stereotypes, but more about me feeling good about myself. I don't read women's mags or follow fashion trends, it is more about me forgiving myself and actually risking.....that scary thing called: liking myself.

[Gypsy Feet]

Your right luv, if we made it past date 4 and into bed, it wasn't my looks. It wasn't really even a break up for petes sake, it was a month long "thing" and now he has disappeared. I wouldn't be in this frame of mind if there wasn't a lesson to be learned, and I thank all you gals for helping me work through it.

I want to be able to trust, myself, my instincts, my path and trust others.

I want to not do this again, if possible

So, what does a crone, not being defined by societies standards, loving herself do if she really likes the idea of having a snuggle partner and doesn't have one. . .?

patience I have, I can wait. I thought I had done it all right when this one came along. I took things slow, at least slow in my definition. I accept it may not have had anything to do with me, his bailing, now it is time to get my head straight.
bleh

I love smileys!

[littlefish]

I've been reading your posts since you joined gypsy feet and well, maybe this might be way out of line for me, but do you think there might be some sex addiction issues going on....your bottom as you describe it involved a bad sex experience. It's like any other addiction it is just good if we can identify it.

I don't know anything about sex addiction but the little I know has to do on the women's part with low self esteem.
You started this thread mentioning not feeling pretty enough, but I really have't seen that to be a big alcoholic issue, but it could be another issue....take care, sorry if I am being inappropriate here.

[LuvinMe]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

Your right luv, if we made it past date 4 and into bed, it wasn't my looks. It wasn't really even a break up for petes sake, it was a month long "thing" and now he has disappeared. I wouldn't be in this frame of mind if there wasn't a lesson to be learned, and I thank all you gals for helping me work through it.

I want to be able to trust, myself, my instincts, my path and trust others.

I want to not do this again, if possible

So, what does a crone, not being defined by societies standards, loving herself do if she really likes the idea of having a snuggle partner and doesn't have one. . .?

patience I have, I can wait. I thought I had done it all right when this one came along. I took things slow, at least slow in my definition. I accept it may not have had anything to do with me, his bailing, now it is time to get my head straight.
bleh

I love smileys!

What do you do? Well you can start by realizing that he left for whateva reasons, accept it and dont try to figure it out. Dont chase him, call him, text him, nada!! If you love someone set them free, if he come back then you know he has feelings... The question is would you accept him back?

So basically start preparing yourself, becuz they usually always come back with some excuse blah...

Having self love, respect and dignity will allow you to rise above!

Dont be a doormat... I say this because I know he will be back, trust me...

Evaluate and accept...

[Freedom1990]

Right now I'm 20 pounds overweight, and not happy my waistline has disappeared. I've never considered myself 'pretty'.

That being said, I'm not too concerned about the outsides right now other than dressing very nicely for my practicum activities in college (and for the job when I was working). Most days I'm in sweats, at home, doing my college class work.

My priority is enriching the old brain cells with all this education, and graduating next spring.

[Gypsy Feet]

Could be little fish. I have found that I don't identify with very many alcoholic traits. I saw a therapist in early sobriety who said I seem to exhibit far more codie traits, so that is where my work has been. I saw a meeting at the alano club yesterday for sex addicts, and considered it.

As far as him coming back, sheesh I got a little sick just reading that. I've had 2 or 3 steppers on the forums tell me he did the right thing by ended the relationship, and one suggested to me I needed to do my sexual inventory (I am not doing the steps, so that is not an option right now). As much as I think I would love an email "explaining" things from him, I am sure I am better off if he stays gone while I work this out (or forever, if it turns out he is just screwed up).

I do believe he had ever right to end it for what ever reason, and I have no desire to talk him into coming back, ewwwww.

Remember before recovery, when we were allowed to believe in love at first site, and we were allowed to get super excited about a crush? Sometimes I miss that haha.

Now I have to analyze everything as it pertains to recovery, and his reason for not seeing me was based on his recovery. Doesn't sound as romantic haha.

[Still Waters]

*hides Crocs under her desk...*