suddenly in a bad place - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Luckydog · 09-12-2003, 11:55 AM

well the first ninty days were tough but basically thoughtless.. I just kept telling myself I can do this and just not drink or smoke.

and now it seems all I can think about is using drugs or drinking or wishing the others would so they can stay out of my business!

what's wrong w/my head?!!!

I am going to more meetings to help myself but I guess
what I am trying to say is sometimes AFTER a meeting OR a whole day of meetings......I find I want to use more than ever....its like, just being in the company of others like me and hearing their stories makes me want to do it all again. I think I can do another 90...but the rest of my life? I guess I am finally getting that this is a life change for me and although I hope to live a long life; I dont know if I can make it for the rest of my life.

and recently these kinda thought are happening alot....
and
I dont like it.

Lucky

Paulie · 09-12-2003, 12:07 PM

I understand that you don't like it, I don't like it sometimes either. You know what, try and stop thinking about another 90 or the rest of your life, just think about today. You did not use today, think about tomorrow when you wake up tomorrow.

I also understand what you said about sometimes after a meeting you want to use to, I have also been there in the past. That was my disease talking to me, telling me that in meetings surrounded by others like me trigged me to use. Cause for me, my disease did not like me being in a room with others like me, in a room where I felt comfortable with others. My disease likes it when I am alone, feeling different from others, not when I am in recovery feeling good.

Does that make sense? I hope a little.

Just take it one day at a time.

margo · 09-12-2003, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Luckydog
well the first ninty days were tough but basically thoughtless..

Hi Lucky - I hear you! I'm currently on day 45 and believe me there are times when I want to get loaded so bad it hurts. I think that this feeling can sneak up on us no matter how much clean time we have. I try really hard not to go any further than today in my thoughts in this regard. Just for today, I don't have to use. I really like the "Just For Today" reading, and I run it through my mind every day - it helps me a lot. Do you have a sponsor, Lucky? This is a good thing to share with her and get some feedback. If you don't have a sponsor, talk about it at your next meeting - there won't be a soul there who hasn't struggled with this issue too. Hang in there Lucky, and don't forget to pray to your HP that your obsession to use be lifted from you.

Love and hugs.

Luckydog · 09-12-2003, 12:22 PM

I think I am having such a hard time staying in the present day b/c I have just gotten back to work and feel the need to PLAN everything out....plan to go to this meeting on this day, plan on going to the store on that day, making dinner at this time, when to sleep and what are my off days that I can just have ME time.

I guess I should be grateful that I had a few months to get this far and hope that JFT I can stay strong enuff not to use.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Lucky

Tipsy_Rat · 09-12-2003, 12:35 PM

Hi Luckydog...

Im not sure what to say really... Well except Congrats on the 90 days!!!

Just thinking of doing that makes me think i cant do it... it scares me so much... and i dont know when im going to get over this ir not...

Of course i know in reality anyone can get over an addiction and it does get easier after so long of not having/using etc.. the substance you are using..

just remember you have support here...

take care sweetie,
Tipsy_Rat. xxx

***Anna*** · 09-12-2003, 12:49 PM

Paulie, I'm with you. My disease likes it when I'm alone, feeling different from others, disconnected.

Luckydog, it sounds like you said - you've reached a point of 3 months and you realize that this is forever. That's overwhelming and depressing. It took me awhile to get the hang of 'one day at a time', but it really works.

Have a good and sober weekend.

Hugs and love, Anna

Chy · 09-12-2003, 06:29 PM

Congrats Luckydog on your 90 days.l I think that it's a key turning point for us. We feel we have made it this far and have proven to ourselves we can quit... then wham those damn cravings start sneaking up on us and they are a bitch! But keep moving forward and only think about the current 24 hours your in... it will get easier.

I see so many people struggle at 90 days and had prepared myself by going to extra meetings, talking with my sponce and journaling, though I have slacked that a bit. Hang in there, you can do this!

DolphinBlue · 09-13-2003, 07:03 PM

Congrats on your 90 days of sobriety, Luckydog.

Sometimes I come out of a meeting feeling worse, not better. If I am in a generally safe environment during the meeting and I feel worse, I know that the problem is me. Talking to my sponsor afterwards really helps because I can get things into perspective and make some sense of what happened, or not make sense and just let it go, whatever the case may be. But I can't do this without my sponsor's help yet.

Do you share in the meetings how you're feeling? I would come here to write stuff, then go and share about my thoughts in meetings. I just felt better knowing it was all out in the open, took its power away. Also, I got suggestions as a bonus.

Hang in there and just do the next right thing, one thing at a time and just for today.

Amy

kristen0416 · 09-14-2003, 12:36 AM

Luckydog
one i got to 90 everything got crazy...my counselor says something about your body remembering...it's your disease talking to you. 3 days before and about 3 days after my 90 day anniversary...i even went through withdrawal symptoms again. it plagued me during the entire day and i dreamed about it at night...i was like a gun waiting to go off...and being around others in recovery made me bitter at that time...then it seemed as if i had to go through a "grieving process". i had to actually mourn the loss of my old ways...i had made so many changes that the old me was dead and it drove me crazy. it all got a little easier...anytime i felt ugly about going to meetings...i realized that was an sure indicator that i needed to be at one. it was a "safe" place if nothing else.
hang in there. my counselor says be aware at 30,60,90...then skip to 6 months and a year...and then every year anniversary after that...those are the days you are most likely to relapse...but please don't use it as an excuse to do so...just keep it in the back of your mind that it is possible...but don't bring it on yourself either...just if you are going through it...realize what's happening...laugh and go inside to your meeting!
love and luck
kristen

maagda · 09-14-2003, 12:59 AM

hey lucky dog...ditto to what everyone else has said! stand tough

sending you a power and energy hug ((((((((((((((((((LUCKY)))))))))))))))))))))))

cos your worth it!

mags

bubblze30 · 09-14-2003, 07:18 AM

I too have witnessed the same thing around my ninty days. It was like I was being tested It was really a hard time for me. You must just hang on tight and try not to think of tomarrow just keep it in the day. If you feel you need to make plans. Set up a plan daily that way you are keeping a schedule only you are keeping it in the day. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking meetings just make you want to use. You must continue to goto meetings no matter what feelings you might have after leaving them. You may very well have taking another step in your recovery so don't lose it. Keep up the good work and remember you are not alone. I know I have been through this similar experience and I am sure others have as well. So you are not alone...

Luckydog · 09-14-2003, 05:36 PM

yesterday I was at the store buying beer........I dont even like beer; now jack & diet cola...that's my drink so it made since to me to buy beer = less tempting. anyway bought it and said it was enuff just to have it around in the frig. for the b/f and his buddies but after it was nice and cold I opened one and took a big smell of it, held it like a medal, made jokes about my recovery progress, toasted to the old days and sat and looked at it for a long time....actually it was less than 5 min but it seemed like an eternity. I wanted it. I held it tight hoping to get a buzz by osmosis. I wanted someone to say it was okay ...thank God nobody did!!

finally I handed the beer over to the b/f and he drank it down and made a few jokes himself then got another one. I never liked beer but the smell was so tempting and sweet and the game was on seemed like a nice time to drink a few cold ones and buy some smoke to go w/it. I wanted to party and just let my hair down.

I know I was treading some dangerous grounds but I am so overwhelmed by all the DO's and DONT's I have put on myself in recovery and you all are right about the timing of my temptation. I feel I am always rushing to meetings and avoiding my old friends. some of these new ppl I am trying to know thru meetings are so DRY!!! (LOL) I just didnt want to think about recovery AT ALL...if even for ONE night.

friends, I didnt drink the beer; my b/f did. He asked me why was I tempting myself after all I have accomplished and joking about it all my efforts..... and I honestly dont know why I did any of it. I kinda wanted to laugh in my diseases' face, just to say "look at me!!! I win!!" but it was much harder than I thought it would be.

and it felt good until I wanted that maryj. just one j I kept saying wouldnt hurt and it would be my kind of "fun" just to get the buzz and watch the game. but we didnt do that. just hung out and watched the game and the b/f drank my beer and kept drinking and we had some laughs and my team won and another game came on and we started watching it...and then every thing changed...

the b/f got so sick and threw up all over the place, stumbled into the bathroom; he couldnt stop heaving and moaning; he passed out on the bathroom floor and couldnt walk or talk straight. ( I got a few more laughs w/that but felt sorry for him too.) then I was really mad that this was happening again...this time it wasnt me drunk at 8 pm! I was glad THEN that it wasn't ME drunk and sick. I remembered I was just like him ninty days ago. the exact same picture of yuk and I felt like crap all the time; drunk or stoned.

so maybe last night had a good lesson. It vividly reminded me of where I was then (in the toilet) and where I am now (recovery).

Thanks to My HP for letting me see the change in my life that I have only gotten in recovery. I know I was so close to venturing out on my own last night all in the name of fun. but it wasnt my head in the toilet this time and thats just were it would have been w/o my HP and the thoughts and prayers of all ppl in recovery.

I feel ashamed of what I did last night buying the beer and of some of the things I said about my recovery program and my efforts....when I get the courage I will tell my sponsor about it but wonder how she will react???????? another thing to worry about huh?

but I did learn a lesson and saw the ugly in my old ways face to face. it wasnt any better looking on him and in the end we had a few laughs but not any FUN.

THanks for listening and for the posts of faith in me: I only hope that I dont gratify my disease in this sick game much longer.

Lucky

Luckydog · 09-14-2003, 07:21 PM

Paulie, I copied this thread to the narc anoy forum. think maybe it should have been there anyway. sorry for the mix up but one thing just lead to another, next thing I knew I was typing away........Lucky

zoomer · 09-15-2003, 04:06 AM

Gee wiz, I just have to say that you did not need to buy the beer! Let B/F buy his own,open his own...

DolphinBlue · 09-15-2003, 04:28 AM

Congrats on making a good decision and seeing the rewards.

Amy

bubblze30 · 09-15-2003, 06:15 AM

Lucky you sure are!!
Your mind set you up for all that happend. You should never buy the beer again. You had the strength that time not too, but each time you play you get weaker.So Don't Play. You have however learned a great lesson one that should never be forgotten. I am glad you did not slip into a relapse however you set the temptation up yourself
You must got to a meeting and get this temptation out of your head or it will linger on to other temptations ones you may not be able to say no too....
Never feel shame. Use it as a lesson learned.Way to go on not using!!!!!!!!!!

Luckydog · 09-15-2003, 12:31 PM

I just read my thread again and am still blown away by my ignorance and tolerance for my disease. I hate being this way. I hate that I have given it a name. I dont want to be an addict anymore!!!!!!!!!! I feel so much pressure. I believe that I am making progress but still feel defeated because I will have to fight this battle for the rest of my life. I went to a meeting today and wanted to share about my wknd but it was somebodys bday and everyone was so happy and yadda yadda............ ya know I want to leave the past in the past and go on w/my life w/o drugs and meetings and the constant THINKING about how it was and is.

JFT I am not going to use.

Funny how I am feeling all this b/c I have thought it wouldnt happen to me...I am too strong and too proud to struggle and need anyone else.

Lucky

wakowife · 09-15-2003, 06:28 PM

I JUST GOT AROUND TO READING THE ORIGINAL POST, AND YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME, I HAD FINALLY STARTED TO GO TO MEETINGS, BUT I WASN'T ABLE TO GET ANYTHING OUT OF THEM BECAUSE AFTER HEARING ALL THE STORIES ALL I WANTED TO DO IS RUN OUT AND GET HIGH. I KNEW THAT WOULD BE THE WORST POSSIBLE THING FOR ME TO DO. I KNOW IT'S NOT THE SAME FOR EVERYONE, BUT FOR ME I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO NOT GO TO THEM ANYMORE, OR AT LEAST FOR NOW. HOPEFULY SOMEDAY I WILL BE ABLE TO WALK INTO A MEETING AND REALLY HEAR WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING WITHOUT WANTING TO RUN AND GET HIGH AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF THERE. HANG IN THERE AND IF YOU NEED TO TALK YOU KNOW HOW TO REACH ME

bERNADETTE

09-12-2003, 11:55 AM	#1 (permalink)
Luckydog Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Hometown, USA Posts: 50	suddenly in a bad place well the first ninty days were tough but basically thoughtless.. I just kept telling myself I can do this and just not drink or smoke. and now it seems all I can think about is using drugs or drinking or wishing the others would so they can stay out of my business! what's wrong w/my head?!!! I am going to more meetings to help myself but I guess what I am trying to say is sometimes AFTER a meeting OR a whole day of meetings......I find I want to use more than ever....its like, just being in the company of others like me and hearing their stories makes me want to do it all again. I think I can do another 90...but the rest of my life? I guess I am finally getting that this is a life change for me and although I hope to live a long life; I dont know if I can make it for the rest of my life. and recently these kinda thought are happening alot.... and I dont like it. Lucky __________________ ------------------------------------------------ Stand firm. ______________________________

09-12-2003, 12:07 PM	#2 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	I understand that you don't like it, I don't like it sometimes either. You know what, try and stop thinking about another 90 or the rest of your life, just think about today. You did not use today, think about tomorrow when you wake up tomorrow. I also understand what you said about sometimes after a meeting you want to use to, I have also been there in the past. That was my disease talking to me, telling me that in meetings surrounded by others like me trigged me to use. Cause for me, my disease did not like me being in a room with others like me, in a room where I felt comfortable with others. My disease likes it when I am alone, feeling different from others, not when I am in recovery feeling good. Does that make sense? I hope a little. Just take it one day at a time. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

09-12-2003, 12:22 PM	#4 (permalink)
Luckydog Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Hometown, USA Posts: 50	I think I am having such a hard time staying in the present day b/c I have just gotten back to work and feel the need to PLAN everything out....plan to go to this meeting on this day, plan on going to the store on that day, making dinner at this time, when to sleep and what are my off days that I can just have ME time. I guess I should be grateful that I had a few months to get this far and hope that JFT I can stay strong enuff not to use. (((((((HUGS)))))))) Lucky __________________ ------------------------------------------------ Stand firm. ______________________________

09-13-2003, 07:03 PM	#8 (permalink)
DolphinBlue Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 612	Congrats on your 90 days of sobriety, Luckydog. Sometimes I come out of a meeting feeling worse, not better. If I am in a generally safe environment during the meeting and I feel worse, I know that the problem is me. Talking to my sponsor afterwards really helps because I can get things into perspective and make some sense of what happened, or not make sense and just let it go, whatever the case may be. But I can't do this without my sponsor's help yet. Do you share in the meetings how you're feeling? I would come here to write stuff, then go and share about my thoughts in meetings. I just felt better knowing it was all out in the open, took its power away. Also, I got suggestions as a bonus. Hang in there and just do the next right thing, one thing at a time and just for today. Amy __________________ It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.

09-14-2003, 07:18 AM	#11 (permalink)
bubblze30 Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: mass Posts: 1,355	I too have witnessed the same thing around my ninty days. It was like I was being tested It was really a hard time for me. You must just hang on tight and try not to think of tomarrow just keep it in the day. If you feel you need to make plans. Set up a plan daily that way you are keeping a schedule only you are keeping it in the day. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking meetings just make you want to use. You must continue to goto meetings no matter what feelings you might have after leaving them. You may very well have taking another step in your recovery so don't lose it. Keep up the good work and remember you are not alone. I know I have been through this similar experience and I am sure others have as well. So you are not alone... __________________ "What don't kill us. Will make us stronger"

09-12-2003, 12:35 PM	#5 (permalink)
Tipsy_Rat Paused Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: England Posts: 17	Hi Luckydog... Im not sure what to say really... Well except Congrats on the 90 days!!! Just thinking of doing that makes me think i cant do it... it scares me so much... and i dont know when im going to get over this ir not... Of course i know in reality anyone can get over an addiction and it does get easier after so long of not having/using etc.. the substance you are using.. just remember you have support here... take care sweetie, Tipsy_Rat. xxx

09-12-2003, 12:49 PM	#6 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,794	Paulie, I'm with you. My disease likes it when I'm alone, feeling different from others, disconnected. Luckydog, it sounds like you said - you've reached a point of 3 months and you realize that this is forever. That's overwhelming and depressing. It took me awhile to get the hang of 'one day at a time', but it really works. Have a good and sober weekend. Hugs and love, Anna

09-12-2003, 06:29 PM	#7 (permalink)
Chy Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx Posts: 5,865	Congrats Luckydog on your 90 days.l I think that it's a key turning point for us. We feel we have made it this far and have proven to ourselves we can quit... then wham those damn cravings start sneaking up on us and they are a bitch! But keep moving forward and only think about the current 24 hours your in... it will get easier. I see so many people struggle at 90 days and had prepared myself by going to extra meetings, talking with my sponce and journaling, though I have slacked that a bit. Hang in there, you can do this!

09-14-2003, 12:36 AM	#9 (permalink)
kristen0416 Paused Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: clarksville, tn Posts: 33	Luckydog one i got to 90 everything got crazy...my counselor says something about your body remembering...it's your disease talking to you. 3 days before and about 3 days after my 90 day anniversary...i even went through withdrawal symptoms again. it plagued me during the entire day and i dreamed about it at night...i was like a gun waiting to go off...and being around others in recovery made me bitter at that time...then it seemed as if i had to go through a "grieving process". i had to actually mourn the loss of my old ways...i had made so many changes that the old me was dead and it drove me crazy. it all got a little easier...anytime i felt ugly about going to meetings...i realized that was an sure indicator that i needed to be at one. it was a "safe" place if nothing else. hang in there. my counselor says be aware at 30,60,90...then skip to 6 months and a year...and then every year anniversary after that...those are the days you are most likely to relapse...but please don't use it as an excuse to do so...just keep it in the back of your mind that it is possible...but don't bring it on yourself either...just if you are going through it...realize what's happening...laugh and go inside to your meeting! love and luck kristen

09-14-2003, 12:59 AM	#10 (permalink)
maagda Paused Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: London UK Posts: 68	hey lucky dog...ditto to what everyone else has said! stand tough sending you a power and energy hug ((((((((((((((((((LUCKY))))))))))))))))))))))) cos your worth it! mags

09-14-2003, 05:36 PM	#12 (permalink)
Luckydog Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Hometown, USA Posts: 50	hold your breath for this one.... yesterday I was at the store buying beer........I dont even like beer; now jack & diet cola...that's my drink so it made since to me to buy beer = less tempting. anyway bought it and said it was enuff just to have it around in the frig. for the b/f and his buddies but after it was nice and cold I opened one and took a big smell of it, held it like a medal, made jokes about my recovery progress, toasted to the old days and sat and looked at it for a long time....actually it was less than 5 min but it seemed like an eternity. I wanted it. I held it tight hoping to get a buzz by osmosis. I wanted someone to say it was okay ...thank God nobody did!! finally I handed the beer over to the b/f and he drank it down and made a few jokes himself then got another one. I never liked beer but the smell was so tempting and sweet and the game was on seemed like a nice time to drink a few cold ones and buy some smoke to go w/it. I wanted to party and just let my hair down. I know I was treading some dangerous grounds but I am so overwhelmed by all the DO's and DONT's I have put on myself in recovery and you all are right about the timing of my temptation. I feel I am always rushing to meetings and avoiding my old friends. some of these new ppl I am trying to know thru meetings are so DRY!!! (LOL) I just didnt want to think about recovery AT ALL...if even for ONE night. friends, I didnt drink the beer; my b/f did. He asked me why was I tempting myself after all I have accomplished and joking about it all my efforts..... and I honestly dont know why I did any of it. I kinda wanted to laugh in my diseases' face, just to say "look at me!!! I win!!" but it was much harder than I thought it would be. and it felt good until I wanted that maryj. just one j I kept saying wouldnt hurt and it would be my kind of "fun" just to get the buzz and watch the game. but we didnt do that. just hung out and watched the game and the b/f drank my beer and kept drinking and we had some laughs and my team won and another game came on and we started watching it...and then every thing changed... the b/f got so sick and threw up all over the place, stumbled into the bathroom; he couldnt stop heaving and moaning; he passed out on the bathroom floor and couldnt walk or talk straight. ( I got a few more laughs w/that but felt sorry for him too.) then I was really mad that this was happening again...this time it wasnt me drunk at 8 pm! I was glad THEN that it wasn't ME drunk and sick. I remembered I was just like him ninty days ago. the exact same picture of yuk and I felt like crap all the time; drunk or stoned. so maybe last night had a good lesson. It vividly reminded me of where I was then (in the toilet) and where I am now (recovery). Thanks to My HP for letting me see the change in my life that I have only gotten in recovery. I know I was so close to venturing out on my own last night all in the name of fun. but it wasnt my head in the toilet this time and thats just were it would have been w/o my HP and the thoughts and prayers of all ppl in recovery. I feel ashamed of what I did last night buying the beer and of some of the things I said about my recovery program and my efforts....when I get the courage I will tell my sponsor about it but wonder how she will react???????? another thing to worry about huh? but I did learn a lesson and saw the ugly in my old ways face to face. it wasnt any better looking on him and in the end we had a few laughs but not any FUN. THanks for listening and for the posts of faith in me: I only hope that I dont gratify my disease in this sick game much longer. Lucky __________________ ------------------------------------------------ Stand firm. ______________________________ Last edited by Luckydog; 09-14-2003 at 06:05 PM.

09-14-2003, 07:21 PM	#13 (permalink)
Luckydog Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Hometown, USA Posts: 50	Paulie, I copied this thread to the narc anoy forum. think maybe it should have been there anyway. sorry for the mix up but one thing just lead to another, next thing I knew I was typing away........Lucky __________________ ------------------------------------------------ Stand firm. ______________________________

09-15-2003, 04:06 AM	#14 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,495	Gee wiz, I just have to say that you did not need to buy the beer! Let B/F buy his own,open his own...

09-15-2003, 04:28 AM	#15 (permalink)
DolphinBlue Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 612	Congrats on making a good decision and seeing the rewards. Amy __________________ It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.

09-15-2003, 06:15 AM	#16 (permalink)
bubblze30 Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: mass Posts: 1,355	Lucky you sure are!! Your mind set you up for all that happend. You should never buy the beer again. You had the strength that time not too, but each time you play you get weaker.So Don't Play. You have however learned a great lesson one that should never be forgotten. I am glad you did not slip into a relapse however you set the temptation up yourself You must got to a meeting and get this temptation out of your head or it will linger on to other temptations ones you may not be able to say no too.... Never feel shame. Use it as a lesson learned.Way to go on not using!!!!!!!!!! __________________ "What don't kill us. Will make us stronger"

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09-15-2003, 12:31 PM	#17 (permalink)
Luckydog Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Hometown, USA Posts: 50	I just read my thread again and am still blown away by my ignorance and tolerance for my disease. I hate being this way. I hate that I have given it a name. I dont want to be an addict anymore!!!!!!!!!! I feel so much pressure. I believe that I am making progress but still feel defeated because I will have to fight this battle for the rest of my life. I went to a meeting today and wanted to share about my wknd but it was somebodys bday and everyone was so happy and yadda yadda............ ya know I want to leave the past in the past and go on w/my life w/o drugs and meetings and the constant THINKING about how it was and is. JFT I am not going to use. Funny how I am feeling all this b/c I have thought it wouldnt happen to me...I am too strong and too proud to struggle and need anyone else. Lucky __________________ ------------------------------------------------ Stand firm. ______________________________

09-15-2003, 06:28 PM	#18 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	I JUST GOT AROUND TO READING THE ORIGINAL POST, AND YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME, I HAD FINALLY STARTED TO GO TO MEETINGS, BUT I WASN'T ABLE TO GET ANYTHING OUT OF THEM BECAUSE AFTER HEARING ALL THE STORIES ALL I WANTED TO DO IS RUN OUT AND GET HIGH. I KNEW THAT WOULD BE THE WORST POSSIBLE THING FOR ME TO DO. I KNOW IT'S NOT THE SAME FOR EVERYONE, BUT FOR ME I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO NOT GO TO THEM ANYMORE, OR AT LEAST FOR NOW. HOPEFULY SOMEDAY I WILL BE ABLE TO WALK INTO A MEETING AND REALLY HEAR WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING WITHOUT WANTING TO RUN AND GET HIGH AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF THERE. HANG IN THERE AND IF YOU NEED TO TALK YOU KNOW HOW TO REACH ME bERNADETTE