Am so over it, and feel so lonely

[Sidney14]

:Having a really bad day today and do not know why all seems fine well apart from my skrew up relapse which happened three weeks ago whcih once again I have to gain the trust of my loved once and make my life seem normal again,. i.e go back to my job with my tail between my legs, feeling like I do not even deserve it. Unfortunately for me the department of communinity services got involved inp any case they are very suppotive and since I surrounded myself inmediately with a lot of support have let me keep my kids but said that I had to go and do whatever it takes for a non reoccurence. So they will stay involved for a few months I guess just monitoring and so on........... the hospital had informed them of me getting in there totally off my ....,,, wits......... In any case I have my oldest with my sister until she is ready and actually feels ok to come home have left the decision up to her, she is allowed to come home, she is 11 and a half so obviously aware of my problem and scared it will happen again. My other little one is 6 mths. Hopefully I can make it right for her.

In any case am now what three weeks sober but am so depressed and ridden with anxiety it is not funny. I hate it . They have prescribed me Seroquel XR which basically numbs my feelings I guess it is good otherwise I would be really not able to cope in reconstructing my life again, they also prescribed me antibuse to stoppppppppppppppppppp me from going silly.

In any case the worst part is that I can;t let my feeling out infront of people, i.e my partner like I have to be strong eventhough I feel Like crying like there is no tomorrow about the way I skrewed up which is so hard.......so basically appear strong for everyone's sake and leave the crying and my feelings for when I see my psychiatrist.........sounds silly but people who care about me prefer me ok rather then being in a way honest about how I am really feeling.

Have been getting up and been jogging in the mornings also started doing Bikram yoga on weekends which teaches you a lot about letting go and staying in the now...........sorry for my rambling on will also post it on a thread I guess I need help. I do not know why today especially is such a hard day..........

Am so sick of trying over and over again...........

Anyone help.............. I hate this disease..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:headba nge:

[ANGELINA243]

Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. My family can't relate to what I deal with---or even understand my disease...addiction. It is good to not keep all those emotions/feelings hidden deep within yourself......it will drive you crazy. It is good that you are speaking to a professional...I did that myself for awhile. Later I learned how to open up to others--in recovery....people who had been there/could understand/relate to me and my problems. Only in the end did I find out that alcohol/drugs weren't my true problem--it was me. I couldn't deal with living life on life's terms. I can also relate to the whole relapse thing. I think I have 2 weeks today. I have had at least a year of sobriety before, so I do plan to make it back there again...and go even farther this time. I just got to focus on today..tomorrow has enough problems of its own. My advise: Keep rambling--get all this stuff out...either here or with a trusted friend..either a professional like what you mentioned or another member in the program. You don't have to carry this burden alone. We do recover.

[Sidney14]

Thanks I def think myself it is tha same thing with me just not being able to live life for what it is on life's terms u hit the nail right on the spot there and yeh noone in my family can relate it is like when I am sober for a while last time it was 10 mths before I recently relapsed all was really ok or wasn'it??? And I just failed to make myself be aware of the warning signs because I know that they exist maybe my subconciously chooses to surpress them I do not know. Thanks for ur advice I am feeling better now after ranting on before and then watching a DVd with my partner called "I love u man" it helped those feelings pass

[ANGELINA243]

Glad to hear you are feeling better now.

[thirtybubba]

I can relate to the part of having to be strong, especially in front of everybody. I come here for the weak part... and it makes me feel better, more able to *really* do the strong part, not just pretend until I can't prop it up anymore and everything falls apart.

:ghug2

Take care, & glad you're feeling better too...
-TB

[Sidney14]

Originally Posted by thirtybubba

I can relate to the part of having to be strong, especially in front of everybody. I come here for the weak part... and it makes me feel better, more able to *really* do the strong part, not just pretend until I can't prop it up anymore and everything falls apart.

:ghug2

Take care, & glad you're feeling better too...
-TB

Yep that is why I am so glad I found this forum here I can feel I am actually being real.... I was feeling ok and now am in the dumps again cause my eldest daughter is very hesitant to come home and I do not want to push her,,,, but it still hurts me deeply

[Sugah]

Sidney, I've read your past posts. I've also lost custody of my children as the result of my addiction. It was a long time for me -- monitored visits for a year, then another six months of visits to be sure I was able to care for them. It was hard, and I fell down a lot, though fortunately or unfortunately, however you'd look at it, I didn't often get caught. I didn't get better for a few more years after that. By that time, I'd exposed my children to many things I wish I hadn't.

This issue of trust is not one that will disappear overnight -- maybe ever. I don't know how old your oldest child is, but they retain within them the memories of what they've seen. They may forgive, but beyond a certain age, they don't forget. At two years sober, my son would wait up for me to come home from a meeting, calling if I was later than he thought I should be, "just to make sure everything's okay." I didn't take it as a sign of mistrust but rather a result of what I'd taught him to expect. It's been a few more years than that now, and he'll still occasionally ask about the stress in my life. I know why, and I know he cares.

Perhaps you're different than I am, but if we have any similarities, I'll tell you -- riding a bike and doing yoga would not have been enough to keep me sober. Even losing my children wasn't enough to keep me sober. As a friend of mine says, "we have good forgetters." And we can rationalize with the best of them, going deep inside to tell ourselves, "This is what you need." Those kinds of "needs" block out any other responsibilities and obligations we might have. We think only of ourselves in those moments. I had to learn humility -- and learn not to think less of myself, but to think of myself less. That includes the effect my actions have on those who rely on me.

So, I'd ask -- what resources do you have available to you? Do you have AA meetings where you are? Are you being guided by others who've been where you are? As wonderful online support is in getting and staying sober, it doesn't (for me) take the place of looking someone else in the eyes and seeing that she truly understands.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Sugah]

My apologies. I see you said your oldest is eleven. My son was twelve when I got sober and my daughter was just shy of nine. They're now nineteen and just days short of sixteen. Our relationship has been good -- very good -- for quite some time, though I had my doubts when we started picking up the pieces. Hang in there. Do what you need to do to stay sober, even if it's not what you want to do.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Sidney14]

Originally Posted by Sugah

My apologies. I see you said your oldest is eleven. My son was twelve when I got sober and my daughter was just shy of nine. They're now nineteen and just days short of sixteen. Our relationship has been good -- very good -- for quite some time, though I had my doubts when we started picking up the pieces. Hang in there. Do what you need to do to stay sober, even if it's not what you want to do.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Nope I have not lost custody of them they are allowed to stay with me but they will monitor my progress through my group meeting, psychiatrist and psychologist over a few months but I do not need to have any monitored visits. I guess I still had a few angels looking after me. I just have to now really work hard at identifying my triggers and warning signs..... etc but thanks for your support