Feeling very mixed up ....

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I am in my mid twenties, i am a single parent , i have a 6mth old son.

I have 8 mths clean, i used heroin for five + yrs, i came off myself.
I had a healthy pregnancy and boy.

I am struggling with it all.

I am in a new area , i moved as ex was too close and wouldnt leave us alone. been here near enough three months.I dont have any friends or family support. I had to leave that bunch of friends as they were all using and were not concerned about me being clean whilst pregnant.

As for my family , its complicated, i am adopted, aged five.
My adoptive mum lives in england hundreds of miles away, and has done for 7 years. when she moved i moved in with y dad and brother.
My dad was perverted and i feel didnt respect my boundaries , itshard to explain, i sometimes wonder if i just was being ultra sensitive, but really its messed my head all these years, i am sure i am right.
He has had an alcohol problem for many years , and was drinking heavily whilst i lived with him, thats why i tru st my gut instinct about feeling his behaviour, Nobodys ever bekieved me , or they have not thought it was a big deal, it was very subtle , but made me feel unsafeA and uncomfortable.
My brother has always bullied me, hes also adopted he also has addiction issues alcohol and weed .

Neither of them ever have told me well done for kicking the heroin and not relapsing. i also recently got into college , no congratulations either. i feel they do it on purpose.

I seem to end up with there problems, my dad and brother bring there stuff to me, i am fed up and exhausted.

I am very angry at them both butr my dad more, he likes to see me dependant on him financially, and keeps telling me i have taken too much on, which i havent .i have to add he doesnt work or has to, he does nothing with his days. i think he feels redundant since i am doing well.
i HATE him really, and my brother, i dont feel they have my best interests at heart.

I just am trying to do the best for my son and i and sometimes its very hard.
Sometimes i feel my over bearing dad is trying to wiggle his way back into my life every time i reluctantly call him for help.

the worst part i cant believe i took help all these years after he did that to me.

i dont fit in with this family , i hve never been accepted, i got adopted fairly late,and i was a strange child, well i think just mis understood, my mum was really harsh and very pushy, it made me realy doubt myself.
I have confidence problems, i think i am ugly and stupid .
Ew just finding it all hard.
i get so paranoid too, my confidence sucks sometimes even just making small talk with my neighbours i always think thet think bad stuff about me.

i am really snappy , i feel bad admitting this, but i take it out on my dog, i dont hit , i end up losing the rag when he does something bad.i have hit hi in the past, i dont agree with hitting animals. i feel guilty for this cause really i ove him and hes a cracking little dog who is great company and loves my wee boy.he just isnt trained, thats not his fault.

i thought all this stuff would sort itself out when i waas clean, i see a counseller weekly have been for years. when does this get easier, i feel i should be happy, grateful, but i am really struggling to see the positive in my life right now. its an uphill struggle and frankly i am exhausted.

long post, hope it makes sense.

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[Anna]

Hi,

Congratulations on your baby and your clean time!

It sounds to me like you need to establish some boundaries in your life, regarding your family. Is there a therapist that you could talk to about these issues?

I'm sorry, but hitting the dog is really, really upsetting to me. Please get help for yourself or give the dog to someone who can care for him. Again, I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but I cannot stand animals being hurt.

[Gypsy Feet]

Have you seen a medical doctor? I am not very knowledgable about heroin long term effects, but I am sure it messes up your body chemistry.

When I first got sober my doctor recommended an anti-anxiety med. I was not very excited about putting a new chemical in my body, but I took the prescription and trusted he knew what was best. I found that taking long quiet walks, talking to my higher power and physical exertion worked wonders on stress. Hang in there.

[squiggle]

Thanks for the advice.anna51 and gypsy feet.

I have tried very hard to set boundaries with my family,part of the reason i moved away,they can still contact me by phone, so i need to change that.

ANNA51, yes i do agree and feel awful that i have on occasion hit the dog, i have to add it is has not happened often and it is just a smack, but even still i do know that its not neccasary hit to reprimand him .

Gypsy feet, i am along side a doctor, he had tried me on anti depressents but they made me feel really sick and i couldnt get anything done,. i didnt persevere with them.
I went back recently and saw another doctor who said it was normal to feel stressed as a single parent etc.

But after i spoke to the health visitor came to my house , i get a bit paranoid with them. i dont really like tham as i get treated like untrustworthy junkie even though i am doing great really.

I am not eating too well, body issues, i am trying but i know that will affect brain chemistry, the not eating right.

I do see a therapist , but am starting to wonder if i would be better off with a new one, who does cbt.

I think i need to be kinder to myself, and try and see more people as i know i am pretty isolated. as for the issues with my dad and brother only i can sort that out.

[squiggle]

Anna 51, you are right abou t my dog , i really should re home himif i cant control my stress levels, sorry if my earlier reply seemed defensive , i feel really guilty about having hit him, and so i should its not right.

[indigo]

Yes working on boundaries is a good start, your family seem to be doing you no good at all. Congratulations on your clean time & your healthy little boy. Have you anyone to talk to for support? I wish you well. I am also glad you found us Welcome.

[squiggle]

Thanks indigo.

I am meeting new people gradually, i find it really tough going, i have been mucked about that much in he past , i am reluctant to put myself out there.

I was pretty vague about my dad,when i said i felt he was intrusive, we had a glass door on the bathroom , and he would come up to it when i was in the bath, and also he would walk in on me getting changed, it happened many times, it may seem trivial but i still to this day feel it was wrong because i had asked many times for him to respect my privacy.

I bounce from hating him to liking him, i am quite angry at him, not only cause he continues to drink.

I am seeing my doctor this wed and am going to explain how diificult i am finding things. I have felt like relapsing, many times recently , but i cant for my son, i had social services invovled whilst i was pregnant and they have backed off now ,although i feel like my health visitor is waiting for me to slip up.

I am trying to eat more and i am taking my vits and supplements again, i am also trying to give myself less to dom with rehoming my old pony as its just too much to do, and having him back was only meant to be temporary a he had been on loan.
Basically i have been running myself into the ground trying to prove i can do it all, and i have finally realised i should be focusing on keeping myself healthy manitaining my recovery, and devoting my time to my son.
I still have loads of work to do on myself , i somehow thought getting clean, my life would be perfect but i hasn't worked that way.All the same feelings are there as before.
My therapist is more about talk therapy rathe,than tackling ways of thinking.

I am thinking i should check out an NA meeting near me , and work on my myself that way?

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

K

[Still Waters]

I am thinking i should check out an NA meeting near me , and work on my myself that way?

That sounds like an excellent idea, but I would be very cautious of developing friendships there. Just based on stories I've read here, I guess you need to keep in mind that everyone is in different stages of recovery.