Need prayers for my son...

[2stop]

Hey ladies, just wanted to ask for some prayers for my son..he is having symptoms of his epilepsy again and we are going to the ER in 30 minutes after my daughter gets on the bus...I am so worried about him but am trying to practice the Serenity Prayer. Thanks so much ya all, Hope you have a great day and I'll check in with ya all later on how he is doing....

[phoenix]

Prayers sent...

phoenix

[Anna]

Absolutely, 2Stop. You have my thoughts and prayers with you through your problems with your son. I hope you will both be well.
Love, Anna

[DolphinBlue]

Prayers for your son and for you, Tammie.

Amy

[bubblze30]

I am praying for him. My sisters son also has epilepsy. She had a real bad episode in dec last year and they regulated his meds and he seems to be better with only small siezures here and there so I pray they get his meds on track and for him to just be overall happy and healthy again. Sometimes the meds dont work after a while and they have to regulate them. So I hope they get it right this time!!!

[Paulie]

Tammie - sending prayers and hugs for both of you.

[SkyIsFalling42]

I am sending you hugs and prayers for you and your son my sis..I am so sorry that you two are having to go through this.

Love ya bunches and bunches!!

[Chy]

My prayers are with you both this morning. I know it is going to be okay Tammie!

[2stop]

Okay..got back from the doctors with him, they have set up an appoinment for the neurologist and an EEG...I am just concerned he could have a seizure like his first one back in 1998..he passed out, turned blue, wasn't breathing, I did CPR on him in the back of our pickup going through traffic...Since yesterday afternoon so much has been going on....from our move and some complications arising, my husband is getting sick again, I am just stressed to the max..thanks for being here for me guys...take care

P.S. I wasn't going to tell anyone but last night I relapsed and took 3 codeines, I want to take more today but won't....Got in a BIG argument with hubby over it, I told him it wasn't that big a deal..I WAS in pain from a herniated disc in my back and moving boxes around really hurts it, oh well, I am doing what I have to survive....I am planning on a meeting tomorrow. We'll see what I get out of it..take care ya all.

[Paulie]

Tammie -

I am glad that are going to look further into things for your son. He is watching cartoons and resting? I hope so. I will continue to pray for his health and comfort.

Now for you, okay you slipped....you are doing the right thing, pick yourself up and start again. A meeting....great idea!

You hang in there girl, you can do this, I know you can!

[2stop]

Paulie, thank you..but no I cannot do this!! In the doctors office I couldn't remember dates right, I was wigging out just panic...not noticeably..but I was..and oh man, I had to have my husband take us becuase I can't drive..and the guilt I have for not being able to drive my son when he needs to go somewhere, not able to drive over to there school, I have to depend on so many people..and they try to be undersatnding..but they don't understand and I know I am a burden, even to my kids..now the lpacking to move, and I have to go and clean the school to help with the bill, and it's hard to get there..and a ton of other crap..I am incapable of functioning..my husband says my attitude and depression is from the pills yesterday..wel I know bettre than that..it's not quite that simple...but hey I aM AN ADDCIT..WHAT THE HELL DO i KNOW RIGHT?? I want to be a good mother and wife but honestly Paulie..I am not even a good person...my brain is melting..and my kids really don't need to see that, ya know????I woke up all night long checking on my son, just worrying and praying for him..then my faith fell out or something..the positive attitude I have been able to have was from delusional thinking..thinking I could get better if I faked it till I made it...thinking ya know what??Theer IS hope for everybody!!!even me..bunch a bs..oh yes I will be positive again and do better for awhile..then flat out on my face my go..up and down..depression, panic..PTSD...agoraphobia..I try so hard to get outside of myself and not think about what I am feeling, just DO what I have to ya know? well, it's not working and I am not going to take up anymore of peoples time with my bs, because it is BS..any way you look at it..there is soooo much I am so ready and willing to do..but I am unable.....I am holding on what I can..but the branch is a swinging and just begging to drop, just begging for relief from so much worry and insanity. I am sure I sound insane today..I think I am constitutionally incapable of living life on life's terms...I refuse to accept that life has to be the way it is..or why do i even try if not to make things better??Maybe I can be hypnotized to say "Hey, so life is painful and unfair and people die in horrible wars..so what?? screw em all, "God will provide"///just like he provides for all the children who die of hunger and murder?? It WILL be a cold day in hell before I say I accept those conditions as "God's will!!!"

[2stop]

You know I am pitiful..I start this thread for prayers for my son and here I am whining and freaking out...I am so sorry and so disturbed with myself......

[Paulie]

I think I am constitutionally incapable of living life on life's terms

Okay first, stop and breathe, just relax. Your son is okay, your husband will get over it, and you CAN do this.

Tammie I am asking you this out of complete caring, please don't get upset me with me,
but...what makes you any different than me or any other addict trying to stay sober. The quote from you at the top of this reply makes me think that you think you are different than me. you are not any different than me my friend.

You have been trying to do this sobriety thing on your own. yes you come here and that is awesome support and you are a great strength and support for my recovery and everyone else here at SR. But as I have said this to you before her on the forum and in PM's you need more help. You need face to face help.

You have tried it your way, now try it someone elses way. Call the NA hotline, someone will come meet you and give you a ride go to a meeting. You said in your post that you were going to go to one tomorrow, so do it.

Dont' tell me that you can't stay sober, cause if you can't that means I can't. We all are trying to do this one day at a time. Surrender Tammie, give it up and follow someone elses direction.

As my first sponsor told me, my best thinking got me into rehab. Stop and let someone else do the thinking for a while.

[2stop]

I am no different than you Paulie......and i would never be mad at you..I totally respect what you have done with your recovery. I have been starting to believe that yes my addiction created many many rpoblems..but being sober isn't my the only problem as you well know, it's the recovery. Well the panic and anxiety and PTSD isn't all from the addiction..I need to be able to function..Heck I am not even looking for a miracle, just the insanity to stop..and let me tell you OCD alone has caused many people to go insane and suicidal and even to drugs,,anything to stop the craziness of it all..Omg I am crying so hard right now..just the thought of surrendering to me means death and annihilation...surrender to my HP?? The one that has us all in a catch-22?? I don't know today surrneder means to me being so broken, beyond repair..no man's land, don't know dic what I am doing and after I surrender..what do I do then cry for a week because nothing I have done or ever done is good enough? that everything I do is doomed to fail because my wires aren't connecting? I am sorry..I am angry today and frustrated and so dam afraid that recovery is just a mental trick that this old dog is too old to learn...The crazy thing is I have received so much strength from you and all the others who work the 12 steps....I am in awe of it!!! And while I don't view myself as different from anyone else here on this board or in the middle east for that matter..I believe myself to be much dumber or slower or something....I will go to the meeting tomorrow and I will pray for the wisdom to do something right, to hear something that might help me save myself from myself. But today I hear the drumroll, today I am feeling like I am about to go one of two ways....recovery or permanent insanity..and sad to see they both look the same to me right now....just pure craziness!

[2stop]

Okay Paulie..I am sitting here thinking about what you said...stop and let someone else do the thinking for awhile...now that I just mightbe able to surrender to......I will try at least!

[Chy]

******Big Big Big HUGGGGZZZZZ******

Tam,

YOU MUST CALM yourself, your spining out of control and you need TO STOP! You need to take some deep breaths, count to 10 , go to a quite place in your house and unwind. I think your speaking out of residuels from using. You see what it does to you, you know your not alone here,you know you CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. If you want I'll find you someone to pick you up and take you. But it's time you go to a meeting. You've been so consumed helping everyone you've forgotten to take care of you.

You can get control again. You say your in awe of what we have, it's time you find out how wonderful it is for yourself. There is nothing to fear, no exuse will suffice because you must make your sobriety top priority, your gonna have to be extremly selfish for awhile, and your family is going to have to understand. Your son will be okay, it's obvious you'll make sure of that. Hubby is going to have to get used to it as well.

You'll never succeed in getting clean once and for all until you get yourself through those doors,and find a sponser and begin working the steps WITH SOMEONE. Not mere observation of what we all do. If you want this thing and I KNOW YOU DO, you have to go to those meeting. Then you'll have what we have and be so grateful. I love you and care for you, we started this journey at the same time. I've wanted to gently push you through those doors, but this you must do on your own, and I will hold your hand in spirit, I've always told you this.

Your not insane, or crazy, just sick and it's time you take the next step through those doors my sister. I know our loving God will help you, I know he'll give you the courage, just ask him and mean it! He'll send his angles to walk with you and guide you to the right person who will be your sposer.

Your such a wonderful, loving and compassionate women, it's time you allow the program to return something you so freely give. Please don't miss that meeting.

All my thoughts and prayers will be with you today.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Gosh 2stop!!!
You better stop....and breathe and stuff!! You have beaten us up so badly!! I have 2 black eyes..sprained stuff..and all kinds of stuff....!!!
YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON..YOUR HEART AND SOUL ARE WONDERFUL..

[2stop]

Oh Chy~~I am crying again!! OMG..my brain is melting..I tried to convince myself last night and this morning that three little pills did not turn me this crazy in the head..my husband said you have to start all over agagin...I told him that if I couldn't have pain relief in sobriety that I wasn't gonna do any recovery that was more jail than relief....and I nearly got on the internet and emptied our checking account ordering pills..and sick me was goingto add the valium and xanax'x and sleeping pills and i even thought about some ritalin..until right about now as I write this I didn't believe I had relapsed.my husband was in a conspiracy to watch me suffer, recovery was a brainwashing episode, and by Godi was in control again....OMG.....I even told him not to worry about having a problem with "my"decisions..heck"I" would just order my pills and leave....I am rethinking the conversation now..and I am so shocked at the things I said...I am just very upset with myself.......I really truly for sure am a full-blown addict aren't I??%%&&(**&*%$$%##%^^ I am terrified beyond petrified of surrender..I want to somehow "willpower" my life together again....and it just ain't working..Oh man, Chy..I have even been cursing God today!!!! I am going to the meeting tomorrow, my son will be in school, and I will make the time..will let you know how it goes...HUGS to you girl for alwasy being here to nudge me, so lovingly and kindly..I love you all, I know I am probably too dependent on thsi site, but you all mean the world to me and it really helps me to help others..I don't like anyone to suffer..but never thougth I deserved "happiness" I guess. I told mysefl I did, but I didn't really believe it...I am going to try working harder at my recovery.

[2stop]

Oh Sky!!! I don't want you to hurt..I feel so bad, I had to get it out..I was exploding inside..I will work harder, I really will. I've tried doing it my way, now I'll try another way.

I love you Sky.(((HUGS)))

[SkyIsFalling42]

2stop
I am so very glad that you can get on here and share the bad the good and anything that you need to share. That is wonderful..the way that we can get through things.
My sis..I know that you have already been working so very hard..i know that you have. You will succeed in this..I know that you will..if beating us up is what we feel like doing..so be it..we will go through it to get through it....I just dont think we deserve it..but i look forward to the day when this will be all behind us.