Numb

[DolphinBlue]

I thought that I'd be faced with lots of emotions in sobriety, but its the numbness thats so hard to deal with. I feel like I'm frozen at the core and I've tried to get to that part of me, but its so insulated and I'm not sure I'd even recognise it if I found it.

There are times I want to cry and I can't. I would like to know what my dreams are, what I enjoy doing, what my talents are, who I really am but without access to my deeper self, these are mostly a mystery to me. I have a hard time finding anyone with the same problem, most I know seem to go through a lot of hurtful emotions early in sobriety so I think "what's wrong with me?"

I do the steps and this helps with getting in touch with my feelings, but most of the time I'm pretty much unemotional. People say I'm really good in a crisis but I think thats just because I feel nothing.

Is/has anyone felt this? What do/did you do? This is really eating away at me and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it!

Amy

[Jenn]

There is nothing wrong with you, you are a beautiful person and everyone is different. You will stay in my prayers..((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Jen

[wakowife]

just hang in there, everyone deals and feels things at different times, maybe you just aren't ready to feel yet. let your mind clear first, it's going to take awhile before you get to know yourself again, i dont know how long it has been since your sober, but give it time, you need to get to know youirself first, and that may take some time. my thoughts and prayers are with you

Bernadette

[SkyIsFalling42]

Dolphine
I really can relate to your post..alot. I too have had the same feelings as you have described. "the ice princess" thing. Writing has helped me so very much with this. Things came out of me that I had no idea were there. It is a hard process to get to the core. For me, I was so conditioned not to feel that it was second nature to me. The only thing i think i could have felt was a freght train hitting me at full steam ahead. And then I would of only felt it until i got up...soon to be foregotten. It is like being in the rain but covered in wax. The rain drops are landing on us..but rolling off to the ground..never actually getting us wet.
The really big trouble i have in this area is physical contact. I do not want anyone to touch me..I am not at all comfortable with hugs or anyone in my personal space. I do not like this coldness about myself at all. My daugher just brought this up to me the other day. She said ya know mom..you have never really been a very affectionate person..never hugged us much. She told me that this in turn has caused her to feel uncomfortable with hugging family members. I told her she was right..and I apologized..told her it was a problem of mine and had nothing to do with her or my other kids. Until recently..I have never allowed myself the comfort..warm feelings that a hug can give. It is a wonderful feeling i have found..but very slow in the making for me.

[Ann]

Amy

I agree with Sky that writing or journaling can help you work through this. Just let the writing flow and you will be surprised at what comes out. I find it comes easier this way sometimes because there are no trust issues, I can tell ME things that I am not ready to share with others.

Our minds can bury things quite deeply, and they are only meant to surface slowly and when we are ready. Working on ourselves and our recovery can prepare us for the emotions when they come. And believe me, when they come they will flow bigtime.

Hugs
Ann

[Blazinglory]

Mornin'

I love coming here especially when I know I need to put my "stuff" on the back burner for awhile.

Dolphin, I don't know how long you've been clean but I know from experience it takes awhile for feelings and emotions to find their places in our bodies after all the crap we did in active addiction.

Around nine months clean I had what I call my very first spiritual awakening. I lived in a small apartment right on the corner of a very busy intersection. The night before I had been to a meeting, came home and fell asleep on the couch reading. The next morning (sunrise) I woke up and heard birds singing, I went to the window and felt the sunshine on my face. When I looked outside, I didn't see the "busyness" of morning traffic or hear car horns...I saw that the sky was blue, clouds were white, the grass and trees were green...for the first time in many many years I saw color and felt emotions that I couldn't explain. Also for the first time in recovery I cried....very grateful that I had been chosen to live a new way of life.

Guess what I'm trying to say is that none of us got here overnight and it will take time for us to heal spiritually, emotionally & physically...Thank God there are no measuring sticks in the program! It took a very long time for this addict to heal so many wounds and I'm still healing One Day At A Time.

THANKS for letting me share!

(((hugs)))

[DolphinBlue]

Thank you all for your replies, I've got lots of good things to think about and its helped to know that I'm not alone.

I'm about 8 months sober now and I do have a great feeling of gratitude every day. I feel quite peaceful and am in awe of the world all over again, its like being a child.

The frustration comes from not feeling any pain or sadness. Some would think that sounds crazy, and maybe it is, but it gets to me. Writing does help, I used to do that all the time but I got to the stage where nothing would come out and that scared me, thought I must be just an empty shell instead of a person. I don't know if anyone can relate to that.

I guess I should be more patient and I don't really mind if that's the case. I'm just scared that there's nothing left inside me and I'll always be like this. This is what I escaped from, I became addicted to things and people to make me feel something, anything. The terrible feelings were "better" than nothing at all and come to think of it thats how I've always been.

I like to believe that everyone is capable of emotion, that its inside of all of us whether we can feel it or not. I just pray that I'm right and that I will feel it when I need to.

Sorry to sound so negative but this has been playing on my mind and I need to get it out.

Amy

[Paulie]

(((Amy)))

Don't be sorry for being negative, that is not what you are doing. You are sharing how you feel and that is what we all need to do in sobriety to stay sober.

I have to agree, writing is the key for me also. And time my friend, the first couple years of sobriety my head spun so fast I didn't know if I was coming or going what I was feeling. And you know sometimes I feel that way today to. but the longer I stay sober, the less and less I doubt how I feel. The more I am able to know what I am feeling and why, and if I am not feeling some way I think I should or someone else thinks I should why. If that makes any sense.

But even with the time that I have been blessed to be sober I still have numb days, honest, but they are fewer than before.

My SO said to be the other day "you are so attached to your emotions". He said it like it was a bad thing, and not so long ago I would have take it as bad, but this time I said "Yep, and that is good" and I meant it. Cause lately through the strenght of my program, my relationship with my HP and my step work I have become more in touch with how I feel and I am being able more often to identify when I am over reacting or taking something personal, etc. This is huge and it has taken me years to even begin this process.

So I know we want everything now....but we have to take sobriety and life just one day at a time.

you are doing great!!!!!

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks Pauline,

I guess I'll have to let the process happen. I had a dream lastnight that I was drawing a picture of a horse, I was really careful to make sure every detail was exactly how I wanted it and it looked really good in little segments. But when I drew back to look at the "big picture" it was out of proportion, ridiculous and didn't make sense at all. This is pretty much how I sometimes attack life, I try to make all the details fit my ideas of what they should be.

*Side note* Hmmm, every meaningful dream I have has a horse in it, I used to study and work with horses...I wonder if there's a connection there. Maybe a deep seated dream of mine!

[Paulie]

This is pretty much how I sometimes attack life, I try to make all the details fit my ideas of what they should be.

I do the same thing, but I try more and more to let them be what my HP wants them to be. And when I actually let that happen, it is better than anything I could ever have thought of myself.

[wakowife]

i think at one time or another we want our thoughts to be exactly how we want our lives to me. that's not always the case. for some of us i know that not feeling is what caused a lot of the pain and heartache that drove us to using. it lots of cases we think that if we dont feel then we cant get hurt, frustrated,scared and etc. and our reaction is that if we dont feel any of those emotions then we can protect ourselves a little bit more. just give it time, your mind and body need time to adjust to your new lifestyle and your new way of thinking and feeling. it will all come with time. it took me almost 5 years to feel the grief of the loss of my brother, . my thoughts and prayers are with you

Bernadette

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks Pauline and Bernadette,

my attitude can change so fast these days! I'm a lot more accepting of the situation now. Thanks for your words of wisdom and support, I don't think I could do this without so much support here and in AA.

Amy

[Chy]

Hi Amy,

Belated post on topic here, but I know what you mean. When I was first arrived at sobriety I was an iceberg, in some ways I still am. I discussed this with my sponcer and was told God has a plan and as I peel away the layers of self towards a deeper understanding of the inner me those feelings would reveal themselves as God intended. I've been patient and the few short months I do have is allowing me to learn about me and those feelings are starting to surface. I have found myself "happy" and laughing which was a bit startling for me. Didn't know I could still be happy and laugh. Those were small miracles.

I know you have a lot more sober time and just would like to suggest going back and looking at your step work, see if there is something is left out and if not just be grateful for sobriety. Those emotions will eventually come. Your such a great means of support and strength maybe you just need to let your guard down and just be. Let us take care of you for once! I hope your feeling better, I do understand. Thanks for all you do!


BTW I too am an ex-horsey person, I miss them so much! Seriously thinking about cleaning off that old tack and looking at some of the wild mustangs that need adoption here. Just scared I forgot how to stay on Nothing like the smell of a horse!

[DolphinBlue]

Thank you, Chy.

I do tend to act as if "everything's ok" but I think I've always done that, regardless of the situation I'm in. I believe it myself because I'm used to acting like nothing's wrong. Its an old protection method to stop myself from feeling and letting other people see the real me. My big fear is rejection, but I'm getting much better as I learn to accept myself. The tricky part is knowing exactly who I am, what I need to accept. I think this will come as I take more risks with opening up.

Now that I want to be myself, I'm finding its not that easy but as I feel safer I open up more. A safe support group has been so important for me and I thank you all for being part of that.

As far as the stepwork goes, I'm satisfied that I'm being as honest as I can, but maybe not as thorough as I could be so that's something I can look at with my sponsor.

Oh and I don't get to see many horses lately but every now and then I get a whiff of horsey smell and I'm in heaven! What is it about that smell? I'll never know.

Amy

[Chy]

Amy,

Opening up is definitly scary for me, the only time I could was while drinking and then I think I was only being the cutsey person I wanted to be. Damn, these feelings can get so complicated!

I have to agree the support here and in the rooms is teaching me to be me, the person I've never really gotten to know. Hmmm....

*S* Only horse lovers can relate to "that smell" I wonder if cow lovers relate to "their smell" ? *L*