Slept with...

[girlontherocks]

Hi ladies,

I need you right now.

So I had what I wanted to be a one night stand with this guy I've known for a long time but am not interested in. When it was done, I just wanted him gone. I'm pretty sure he felt differently. Now he's contacting me and wanting to see me, and being nice and stuff... I've been avoiding... What do I do? What do I say? I just want to avoid and I've been eating to "protect" myself, somehow subconsciously thinking it will push him away. I have som much going on right now I can NOT afford this

[123bubblegum123]

Girl,

Thanks for posting this. A few things popped into my mind the second I read this. First off, you say you wanted a one night stand with someone you've known for a while, but then decided you wanted nothing to do with him. Is this normally how sexual interactions go for you? I'm just concerned that maybe this is a deeper issue than just having fun. You also mention eating compulsively and also trying to push this man away, obviously you care enough to want to TRY and push him away - if you didn't care at all you'd just ignore his call and move on, ya know? Do you think maybe you're just afraid of intimacy on a deeper level?

Feel free to pm me to discuss this, as it is personal heh

Rachel

[freya]

Were you honest with yourself and with this man about what you wanted -- i.e. just a friendly sexual encounter -- before it happened????? If you were, then you have no reason to feel guilty now....although, if this is someone whom you've considered a friend in the past and if you mutually agreed that taking your relationship to a sexual level was just abut the sex and that was OK for both of you, it is kind of odd that you now want to avoid him and feel uncomfortable about even returning his calls.

If you and he did not communicate about this directly and honestly before it happened, then you definitely owe it to him to come clean with him about what you were looking for in the encounter -- and you might also need to look at whether or not an amend is owed, especially if you in any way lead him to believe that he and/or the encounter meant more to you than it actually did.

I guess, to me, the really weird thing about your post is the fact that here is this person whom you say you've known and liked -- socially -- for awhile, but as soon as you have sex with him, you go this "yuck," don't-bother-me place with your feelings about him. What is it about sex and/or about yourself when it comes to honoring yourself as a woman and a sexual being that causes you to attach this "yuck" feeling to him and banish him from your presence after you've been sexual with him????

Once you get yourself "right" with him, it might be helpful for you to figure out and work through your own issues around sex so that, in the future, you will be able to be honest with yourself and others and communicate with them up-front about what you're looking for before you get into a situation in which, it sounds like, both you and the other person are feeling some hurt and confusion.

freya

[tsukiko]

Talk to him...it'll do less damage in the long term.

Hate to say I've been in this position before (no pun intended -_-'), but even if you ignore him to the point he gives up there is always the chance you'll see him in the street or wherever.

Like with anything...best thing to do ain't always the easiest or most pleasant.

If I were you I'd bite the bullet, contact him and ask to meet in a cafe or somewhere else neutral and just be straight with him.

Trick is...always be straight with any guy, or girl, you get with or go with.

Your own feelings aside, they have feelings too.

Part of living the 'clean' life...no dirty habits, or none that cause other people to get hurt if they don't have to.

[Anna]

Yes, I agree, talk to him.

Hopefully you were clear about your motives before you slept with him. If not, this is a learning experience and a chance for you to grow. Do you want to maintain the friendship with this man?

[sfgirl]

This is not meant to sound judgmental just an observation:

But this is the exact sort of thing I used to do when I drank— start to finish, especially the yuck feeling and the running away part in my mind. The loveliest part of sobriety is that I don't do these things any more. And I no longer have all the fleeing and shame feelings that go with it. I personally have a lot of personal work to do before I can get involved with men in any way— physically, emotionally, etc— with a guy. I am at the level of simple flirting now. I basically had to start all over and ignored men completely pretty much for the first six months of recovery since I have a lot of issues with them. I am not saying that this is the case with you and I don't know where you are in recovery but these are things that (in my opinion) go hand in hand with using. Sexual relationships and intimacy should definitely be part of your recovery. Now that you are sober, you might want to reexamine your patterns to make yourself happier.

[jamdls]

I too, used to always feel that way when I was drinking, 'have sex then yuck' couldn't stand the sight of the person any more. Now I just have the 'yuck' thinking about the sex so I don't go there. Just be straight with the guy, imagine how you would feel if he was avoiding you.

[girlontherocks]

Thank you everyone.

I think it is very CLEAR that I have men issues. I have resolved to not date after this. This is hell. It takes the pressure off... I cannot do this!
But wait. I screwed up again. I had planned to tell him yesterday, he said he'd come see me at work, I was like ok perfect I'll tell him. Then when I brought it up he was like "dont worry about it, nothing will get weird, I think you're cool, that's it..." and hung around till I was done. I just let it happen. It was easier for him to just tag along then me say "no, I want to be alone." I did not want to hurt his feelings. So he came over, we made out, no sex.. But this is really pathetic and sad. I did not want it. But I did it cause i thought it was easier. Then when he left I binge ate. Oh man... I guess the good thing is i told him I dont want to get involved... and he said fine, but the way he is with me says something different. Urgh. I need out..

[girlontherocks]

I should mention that I was sexually abused at the age of 12.

And my father left when I was a kid. so... I think this is all coming up right now.

[freya]

Listen, it sounds like you are really getting yourself into a bad way about this...and the further you keep going down this road the worse and the harder it's going to get -- I can absolutely promise you that.

It sounds like this guy might not even be being honest with himself about where he's at with his feelings about you -- so there's no way he can be honest with you, and, either way, it seems pretty evident that he's gonna keep comin' 'round as long as long as he has any chance of getting what he wants -- whether that's just sex or sex+. (...and that's not a dis on him or anything either, because why shouldn't he???? He can't read your mind, after all.))

Where is your sponsor and where are your women program friends with good sobriety???? You need to find yourself some healthy women who have experience working through their own sexual issues and you need to stick close to them and get the help you need. You do not have to live like this and you do not have to try to work through this alone. This is dangerous territory here and there is nothing that can trigger a relapse like the shame and self-loathing that this kind of crap will bring up.

Please get some RL help and support, so you can take care of yourself -- freya

[sfgirl]

I was abused when I was younger too. I totally get not saying no because it seems easier than setting boundaries. I always thought I had major sexual/man issues but didn't realize how completely tied up with my alcohol issues they were until I stopped using and started recovery. (I only realized then that I started drinking almost exactly after I was sexually abused.) But I always thought I had to work on the interactions between me and the men to fix things. Not so. What I really needed to work on was myself. I needed to work on setting boundaries in all areas of my life. I needed to learn to say "no" to a lot of people for a lot of different things. I needed to work on my self esteem and centering myself. Only once I build up that foundation will I feel ready to put myself out there for men again and like I said before I will have to relearn the whole game over because the first time around I learned it wrong. So that means I have to go slow, take each step slowly, decide what I really want, ask for it, and watch myself. I have a therapist and it has been invaluable. If you can get one I would highly recommend it.

[barb dwyer]

Where is your sponsor and where are your women program friends with good sobriety????

That's what I was going to ask.

This sounds like one of those 'side' ways the disease keeps running when we stop using.

We quit drinking
so we eat.
or smoke.
or work too much.
or have risky sex.

Same song
different dance.


Recovery is about growing.
It's also about honesty and self-discovery.
Then learning how to honor what we discover.

If you were your own best friend -
what would you be doing for yourself right now?

Sometimes our sponsor has to be that 'self concept'
until we get the hang of it ourselves.
Your sponsor can show you what
( I don't know if youre in NA or AA it's pretty much the same)
the Program recommends.

[girlontherocks]

Hi girls,

I really appreciate the feedback, it shows me how big and available the solution is.

I have a sponsor, sponsees, lots of girlfriends it the program... I have almost 5 years sobriety... Am working my steps... again.

I think the problem is not so much WHERE are they, but HOW CLOSE am I letting them in? I am such an open book, I talk all day, but I have not been trusting that these female relationships are enough for me. I am finally at thepoint where i know i have no choice! They are safe, loving, trust worthy... So I've been investing more there and leaving the rest to god these past couple days. *sigh* I have never been so aware and willing to be alone..

[tsukiko]

Articulate and insightful thinking. You've given me some definate stuff to think about concerning my own 'issues'. THanks and all the best to you.