Abuse at a *safe place*...

[Digits101010]

Recently a man attacked a woman at a 12 step recovery meeting I attend. I wasn't there and I am grateful because she is a very special friend in my life and I just don't know what may've happened. I know that for me to be in recovery is important and should be #1 but at this particular place I'm not so sure of anymore. Then HIS face has been back, she hasn't. I got resentful toward the place and the people and am not quite sure I'm ready to let that go yet.

They could ban this person from the property, as he apparently has a history of violence there, but they haven't. The police WERE called and everyone is encouraging her to file a police report [I'm not, it's not my call and I also realize it's easy for everyone to have an opinion on that]...she's not sure.

I don't know about other women in recovery, but for me, abuse at the hands of men...all sorts ranging from physical, verbal, to sexual ALL combined to create a person with loathesome self-esteem, self-hatred, mutilation tendencies, drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, etc...

I thought this was a safe place and it's not. I really don't know where to put it. I can't close with them anymore, much less hold hands with them, I have a hard time trusting anyone there anymore. I'm ANGRY as HE11. I mean a rage that I don't feel going away anytime soon. If God gave me a list right now of who to pick and choose to go directly to he11 right now, I'd be ticking names...THIS is the extent of my rage. And I don't know what to do with it and my sponsor is unavaliable and like I said, I now don't know who to trust there and they are the only people I know in recovery, face to face.

I'm getting angrier just thinking that this might be the PERFECT excuse to go back to drinking were things to get hairy in my life.

Thanks,
Digits

[JT]

Wow!

Ok....you are working on honesty? There are other meetings. I am sure you have a list. I wouldn't go back if I do not feel safe either but your meetings are an important part of your recovery.
Find a place where you feel safe.

These things can happen anywhere...the mall, at work, anywhere! You cannot stop your life or your recovery because there are bad people in the world.

Good luck!
JT

[Chy]

Oh Digits!

Am so sorry. As you recall I had a similar but much minor incident happen recently to me at a meeting. I really understand what your feeling!

Remember what you told me. You had nothing to do with it! Though I agree something should be done and he should be banned, I wouldn't feel safe or go back there for a very long time.

I hope you can find another place for the time being. How awful that must have been.

Pray my friend, you must let go of the rage no matter how justified it may be. You can't let what he did threaten everything you have worked for.

I'd probably, no I would be just as upset! Don't let this ruin what you believe in and works for you. Wishing you a better day!

[DolphinBlue]

Digits,

I've found myself in a similar position. I had to accept that a group of people were not everything I thought they were and it was quite scary. But nothing is more important than my own recovery and if it means that I have to look around for a better fit, then thats a small price to pay considering the alternative. I can't afford to give others the power to take away or give me my peace of mind, it always ends badly sooner or later.

Its a good idea to get these thoughts out of your head, I'm glad you came here and posted about it.

Amy

[Digits101010]

Just Tired: Honesty...yeah. Haha. I am getting pretty good at it since I trust that if I don't bring my truth out I can't get the help I need for it. Thank you for your insight, this was pretty powerful: "You cannot stop your life or your recovery because there are bad people in the world." Getting into the muck and mire of it all, that seemed to slip my mind. I am still quite new to this new way of living you see. Thinking of the God of my understanding right now... With all the transformations I have made, how sad to go *get high* at a group who let's a madman back in? What the he11 kind of message is that? To me, it says that my Higher Power would be the Group...which is exactly why I had to get to work on my Spiritual Inventory a couple weeks ago...probably in preparation for this incident. [I'm about timing and coincidence all being "God" things today.] Thanks for that...I appreciate it.

Chy: Sweet Chy... You're the first person I thought about when I came here after the incident. How I'd feel like a hypocrit but yet *this situation* is so much more severe. Back to honesty, I guess I wasn't ready to hear my own words. And I justified it out that I felt RAGE and vengeful where you were maybe just way uncomfortable...you know? I had it all planned out exactly why I wasn't going to post it...and it has been about a week. I guess the sickness of sitting on it, trying to pretend it away got to me...For the first day I was genuinely fearful of posting it. Then being ashamed of fear I ignored it. Then I got angry at pretending and it turned to rage directed toward the group. Believe it or not, I do NOT hate this man - I know he is sick- Very sick. But....as Amy says....

DolphinBlue: "I had to accept that a group of people were not everything I thought they were and it was quite scary." This is what I have to do now. Like I said in my response to JT, that must be exactly why God put in the mind of my sponsor to get to work on my Spiritual Inventory, which I did. God was probably preparing me for this before the nightmare happened [I'd had a nightmare this guy came in and did what he did....and the oddest part about it, at risk of getting into *dreams as signs,* is that nothing whatsoever happened to precipitate that.] So maybe this is exactly what I have to get from this.

Which is progress. I used to think if it hurt it was wrong and I had to drink. Okay, so I'll pray a lot -- keep forgetting to do that when things get hairy and improve my concious contact with the God of my understanding. Will also, in the meantime, attend other meetings and will be trying to remove the thought that "That'll show 'em!" That's another defect, thinking I am the singular most important person who has the power to make or break another after they have *wronged me.* [This is getting TOO honest, feeling like my ego is stepping in and trying to control this one...which is used to of course cause I had no other way.]

This is just for me to sum up
The group, not knowing I had, but must have to some degree, I made as *a* Higher Power. Inadvertantly, I had God too, but only when I was alone or at home or out NOT at a meeting. While at a meeting they were my HP - I'm just gonna say it.

THEN, reminded of the 4th step in the 12 & 12, they failed me - which was predicted, because they are collectively human and fallible, etc. I, therefore, didn't trust anyone in there, and as a friend has pointed out time and time again in the past, [and now I am so grateful I retained this] the Big Book mentions nothing about trusting others. But trusting God. Okay.

[4th & 5th] I was finally as honest as I could be without taking everyone's freaking inventory who was involved. I came here and posted what was going on, just the facts and since you guys wouldn't know about the *players* principles OR personalities, you gave it to me straight.

[6th& 7th] I'll regain my humility and ask GOD, not the group, but GOD to remove the defects that crept up in here, namely the fact I put my faith [See steps 2 and 3] into a group...my ego is always going to take over when I am lost so I will ask that that, too, be removed particularly from this situation.

[8 & 9] As wild as this sounds, I have harmed no one but myself in this. Which is why I am grateful I wasn't there that day, grateful I started leaving early, not going when I felt raw. I did owe an amends and I made it early on. [I had divulged what happened to my friend with my SO and didn't realize that could have brought harm to her until later on. I cleaned it up that day and just pray there are no repercussions from that. My only defense is that I was so anger-filled I didn't know where to throw it except to someone NOT in the program.]

God, is this fitting or what? It fits, Amy. This all fits. Thanks, you guys, for allowing the God of my understanding to speak to me through you today. I needed this so badly.

Thank-you!!!
Love, Digits

[DolphinBlue]

Digits, it fits lol I'm glad you found some meaning for yourself. I'm still amazed at how differently I'll see things just by talking about them and listening for a different angle on it.

Hope you're doing well.

Hugs,
Amy