Just to Vent.....

[ButterflyChaser]

well, as I was saying in my last post "he did it again!" (my reply from last night) my bf stayed at a hotel last night, it makes me soooooo that he has the $$$ for a hotel, but never had the decency to leave me $20 bucks or so for ANYTHING!! Since he's lived with me, (over 2 yrs.) he's NEVER had to once pay for any food shopping! I've never asked! Now when I'm down & out, he could care less!!!! (even though I've always known that!) I feel so defeeded!!!! Like I've lost some game that I never knew I was in! KWIM? I gave my 98% in this so-called relationship! I gave my hearty & soul! & all I got back was NOTHING!! (not that I ever expected anything, but some common courtisy!!! No respect! Sorry to whine ya'll, I know I'm a big girl & as my brothers says to me" Just move on, get over it!!" Well, I have no choice but to move on, I have been moving on, I have to, I can't stop I have a daughter who depoends on me, so that's crazy to me when he says...Just move on...I know this, but I just wish I could move on without the hurting! When does the hurting stop!! Have any of ya'll ever given your all only to come out of it as it was something to you but NOTHING to the other person?? How could I be so ignorant??? Guess I want to be LOVED & have a family, crazy as it sounds! But the whole time he said he loved me, & to me saying you love me is just NOT ENOUGH!! I'm a strong believer in "actions speak louder than words!!" He said it to me all the time, but showing me? Ummm....NO WAY< but I kept on tourching myself thinking that this man would love me! Sick! Crazy!!!
I'm jsut really hurt & in shock & it's all so overwhelming to me, that's all...thanks ya'll for letting me vent!! (((((((((hugs to you all)))))))))

[Vevo]

(((ButterflyChaser)))
Glad you posted sweetie! Don't be too hard on yourself - I think we have all had one of these guys in our life. Sigh....seems like the same guy dressed in a different outfit!

Take care of yourself! Will be thinking of you.

Viv

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((Chaser)))
Sending you hugs my sister. We are only suppose to give 50% in a relationship. The other 50% comes from the partner. I know..I am guilty of "loving too much" in the past. When we practice this, we attract the kind that are looking for us. They can spot us a mile away. It is not your fault you have been used in this way. You are only guilty of loving too much..not such a bad sin, now is it? What we dont see is that it is a crime committed to ourselves..it sets us up for pain in the end. We have to feel the pain when a realtionship ends. I wish it werent so but we do. We have to allow ourselves to grieve as it is something lost..no matter how good or bad it was.
You deserve to loved. I am so sorry for your pain. Oh now stop calling us sick and crazy!!!!:p We love too much, thats all. If you get the chance..the book "Women who love too much" explains us very well and is very helpful. If we truly want to be loved..we need to break this cycle we created for ourselves. We will no longer attract the "users" but will attract the "lovers" instead. We have so very much to give..and deserve to have the same in return.
Love ya whole bunches!!!
and hope to see you in chat!!

[Paulie]

Butterfly -

I agree with your brother, move on. Now having said that, but not being a man, let me say, that is what you should do, but that does not mean it will be easy.

This is not about him anymore, it is about you. He is going to be who he is and do what he wants. What is important now is what you do. First understand that how he treated you has nothing to do with you, that is somethign inside him that makes him treat others badly.

The relationship is over and yes you need time to grieve that. But I think the healing/grieving process is easier when we work on not blaming ourselves. Or when we stop saying how much we gave and gave and got nothing back. Yes you gave of yourself, you gave more than he deserved, I have done that, most woman probably have at one time or another. When you keep saying to yourself, I gave and he gave nothign in return, you are blaming yourself for giving to much.

I don't beleive we can give to much of ourselves to someone else. I think a person can use us and take to much. As long as we are taking care of ourselves as we are giving we are doing the right thing, does that make sense. If you give of yourself without taking care of yourself, than yes, that is giving to much.

I know I am rambling on here (what else is new LOL) but I want you to understand. Grieve the loss of a relationship that is okay, but try and celebrate the lesson you have learned.

I know this is not easy, Ihave been there, but keep telling yourself over and over, that you deserve the respect that you give.

Vent away anytime you need to - we are here and we care.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Paulie

I like it when you ramble!! It means I get to learn some more

[Paulie]

LOL - thanks Sky!

[wishIsedNO]

i went through the same thing u going through 4 yrs ago, and it still stings me when i think about it..Im exactly like you..I always tell my bf that it means more to me when you show me u love me then just saying it..its like when people buy u flowers and candy for your birthday or anniverseries its so stranger like...Like u dont know me enough or put enough thought into it to get me something you know i would like...Although i love flowers and i love to eat chocolate but i can have that any day and buy it for myself..Anyways..like i was saying 4 yrs ago i went out with my first love..we knew eachother for 2 yrs before we went out..I always saw him just as a good buddy but secretly he was in love with me..I found out by one day when me and my best friend was on his computer and she was always a snoop and we found this thing in his documents..it was in code and we switch the font and it was like a diary enrty that sed how much he loved me and how when we first met he knew and thats the only reason hes been hanging around hes friend danny which was my friend too...and how i never notice him and so on.,,,I remember how i got butter- flies in my stomach at that moment, but because i was only 16 and never had a serious bf,. i shrugged it off and sed i didnt have feelings for him...and he found out from his friend and started being mean to me like a kindergardener who likes a girl but cant have her..and i started missing having him as a friend...but i couldnt stand the way he was acting..then i blew up at him and we didnt talk for 5 months..but those 5 months were soo painful..so i finally started talking to him again at this kegger we went to...and i sed how i missed him and how sorry i was and if he would be my friend again...so for 2 months we were closer then ever and i realized iwas falling for him..when i saw that he was about to go out with someone else i was sooo scared..So i swallowed all my fears and asked him out when i was high on coke and him drunk on beer...but he sed yes and we sed that if anything were to happen we would never ruin our friendship..Little did i know that so much would happen that our friendship would be lost in the shuffle....
We began our deep relatopnship on July 16th 1998..At first it was real rollercoaster ride..Since i was his first girlfriend and he never really kissed anyone yet he was real shy...Too shy for me...I liked that i didnt feel pressured from him but it was like if i didnt hold his hand or kiss him he would never do anything..I think he was just in shock that we were going out...So I ended up breaking up with him and going out well not really going out messing around with this guy who was 5 yrs older then me..But he made me feel to outta control and he was the one who basically got me real heavy into doing heroin...So I just couldnt deal with it at the same time me and my ex were still talking and messing around alil..So finally one day we went alil further then usual but we didnt sleep together yet but was close to it so we decided to go back out...And thats when our relationship got real serious,..He told me how much he loved me and that he planned to marry me and have my kids...He drank when we'd go to party's and occasionally smoked pot..But that was about it but because my using of heroin was getting more and more..and i never lied to him he started doing harder drugs to keep up so he would be able to feel like we fit together, although i always told him he didnt have to use to be with me that i like him because he wasnt into drugs like me and he kept me grounded, but the problem was he liked getting high..And i wasnt strong enough to make sure he wouldnt...So he began to do extasy and acid...and sometimes coke...Then one day he asked me for dope after a nite of doing X all nite...So reluctantly and now i wish so desperatly that i never did i gave him a bag....That to me was the beginning of the end of our relationship...After that i got worse into my drug use because when i was with him i usually would try and stay off of dope cause he didnt do it and didnt like seeing me on it but now that he would come with me to get it and he would do it with me..there was no breaks for me or someone to hold me back...We fell into this hole and we broke alotta good friendships with people or at least i did, and we were ruining our family life..3 times we found ourselves sleeping on the trians or having to go to friends houses late at nite..or when he was home he would sneak me in his house cause his mom was always at work or sleeping or too busy with her own things like her bf to see what he was doing...Finally his best friend told his family and they sent him to a rehab..At first he called me everyday..Cause my mom didnt have money to spend on me to go to rehab and because i was 19 and not on her insurance anymore i only went to a detox and convinced her i was fine and didnt go to the state provided rehab they told me i could go to...One day he sent me money to send him dope down to his rehab...so i did..i put it in a card and sent it to him he got it but flushed it down the toilet as he says, but i think he took it and then got caught and decided and gpt talked into going to the after care program..he completely lied to me and told me he was coming home and that i would see him when he got there whne he didn show up all day at the time he was suppose to i called his house and his mom nastily told me he wasnt coming home and i should move one..for 3 weeks i didnt hear from him and probably wouldnt have for a long time after or never..until i went on his sn in AOL...and saw a letter he wrote this gurl we knew that always liked him and he sed how nice it felt that he was rid of me and all i was so heart broken cause he didnt even break up with me his mom did...and he never made me feel like we would,,even though i know now it was bound to happen cause of the drugs involved..and i think he made the decision more when i sent him those drugs..still i though we were so in love..he left his number where he was at to that gurl..so i called him and he acted like nothing was wrong he sed we werent broken up that he just need time to heal and that i should take this time to heal too..we talked every 2 weeks mostly i called him...then all of sudden he tells me he has to come home for a court date...so when he does and i see him..He was at the park with our friends playing handball..It was like out of a movie scene..he stopped playing when he saw me and he stood there frozen i too was frozen and then i just ran over to him and jumped on him as he opened his arms and gave me a huge hug that lasted for at least 2 mins..just holding him and smelling him brought all those feeling back when he was down in florida it was hard but not to hard not being his girl but seeing him was impossible not to be able to have him..we instantly started dating again but our friend acted weird about it...fir the time he was gone i used more then ever cause i was so depressed but the week he told me he was coming home i kicked cold which was real hard and the 2 weeks after he was back i used twice just to ease the sickness but i truely wasnt gonna use anymore...i was so happy being with him...But i will never know what would of been cause one of our mutal friends knew i used once cause he was with me when i did it cause i asked him to borrow the 10 bucks to buy it...and he told him, after a week i guess of thinking about it and of course sleeping with me one last time..he then breals up with me...i was sooo shocked and hurt it was like out of no where...one secound hes all over me...then all of sudden he grows quiet and says its over..i wanted to make him hurt as much as me so i started smacking him..but he justr stood there as i mostly yelled and talk he sed nuthing but its over move on over and over again..he even eventually called my sister to come pick me up cause he couldnt get me outta his house; my sister sed no im not doing that...i tried since then to have a friendship with him but hes turned into the devil..i dont even know him at all...Hes definitly not the guy i first met or fell in love with,.,but i guess we were young and people change but i was so hurt because i truely believe we would be able to go through anything together..he sed he loved me and wanted me to be his wofe...we talked about moving into his great grandmas basement apartment...i was really lost when he left me..especially after 2 yrs of a relationship and 4 yrs of a friendship...it was hard..and then in top it all he took all my friends by saying i was a crack head and got him to use and how bad an influence i was on him...ahhh if i saw him today i think id.. wanna kiss him then kill him : well i blab..all i can tell u is i hope u got something out of my story..And i can say time heals and then you realize you are glad it happen cause you see that he wasnt the person for you, but i aint gonna lie there are times i think of him and wish things were different or i dream we get back together...But i think its cause he was my first everything and those always stay in your heart...I wish u luck...and i hope u find a way to find peace with yourself..Jacqueline...p.s. if u ever need advice feel free to private message me...