2 stop - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

wakowife · 08-04-2003, 08:28 PM

how are you doing these days?? i know i havent really been poistin that much, as you know already this is a real bad week for me with my mom's birthday comeing up this friday and then her 6month anniversay is on the 14th. i cant seem to keep it together and although my family is trying really hard i can feel myself starting to slip, the cravings are getting really bad, to the piunt i dont trust my self to go out of the house alone. i dont want to screw up again but i'm so scared that i can taste it coming. i keep haveing the crazy dreams that i wake up thinking that the pipe is in my hand and i actually start searching all my hiding places for it just dont know what to do to keep it together. today i went out and bought candles aboutg 8 of them and i have lit every single on of them and i prayed to god to watch over me and not let me have yet another slip. any suggestions on how to deal???

Bernadette

2stop · 08-05-2003, 07:34 AM

You can make it through this wihtout using!~

I know it's scary and so painful..but you have a great sense of accomplishment and peace from not letting anything talk you into using. Keep praying and tell yourself how far you have come, and know God will walk with you every step of the way. Get on here and talk to us, write in a journal, go get your hair done, your nails, do something that make syou feel good about yourself, and make a commotment that you don't have to use for this 24 hrs, and step by step you will find you Do have the courage inside you to remain sober, no matter the pain at present. And we usually know the dang drugs are only going to make us feel worse, but we feel like we need relief NOW, and believe me I know that feeling all too well. I have been craving really bad here lately, but I am not going to give in because I have come to far to start over again. It's white-knuckles and craziness some days but I am still sober and I know you can make it too. We're here for you hon,, don't hesitate to ask for help and hang in there, okay? Sending big hugs and love to you my dear!!~

2stop · 08-05-2003, 07:49 AM

............

wakowife · 08-05-2003, 08:47 PM

thanks for the encourageing words. i just feel so absoutely lost, and then today i went to the dmv to transfer my mom's car from her name to mine, and they gave me such a hard time, i spen 4 1/2 hours there and i still have to go back tomorrow, i didn't know that the insurance had lapsed on her car in early july, and so they suspended her license for 27 days, now they want me to pay $8. per day for the 27 days, then they told me that the copy fo the death certificate wasn't good enough, i started to cry and scream so loud that i think i made everyone turn around. then one stupid clerk is looking at all my paper work includeing the death certificate and she actually had the gall to ask me where my mother was, at that point i completely lost it and i screamed that she was in the calvery cemetery would she like me to go dig her up to prove that she was dead. i feel like i yelling and screaming at everyone, and truthfully my husband has really been trying very hard to help me but all i do is keep pushing him away. the only thing i said to him when i finally got home was that if i closed my eyes tonight and never woke up again, i would be the happiest person, i told him that i just dont want to go on anymore and ireally mean that at this point in time. i jsut had enough, i still have to file my mom's income taxes and i know that i have put all of this on hold for much to long, i thought i would be able to handle it better if i waited, oh how wrong i was, now i wish that i had gotten all of this over with in the early stages of grieving, now i feel like i'm starting to live the whole nightmare all over again from the beginning. thank s for letting me just go on, i dont know what i would do right now with out you and this site. just saying thank you doesn't feel like enough.

Bernadette

2stop · 08-05-2003, 09:11 PM

A step at a time my dear, you can do this you know...Sending big hugs and prayers for strength your way.

wakowife · 08-06-2003, 03:15 PM

thanks for the help, today doesn't feel much better than yesterday, but at least i got the whole business of taking my car out of my moms name and putting it in my own done, i shouldn't have waited so long to take care of things like this, all it does is open up all the old wounds again, now as soon as i get back from vacation next thursday, i have made up my mind to have her income taxes done. i have to get my priorities stright, and one of the most important things thaqt i can do for myself right now is to get all of this paperwork concerning my mom done once and for all. at least that way i won't be dragging up her name and her death everytime something has to be done. i just cant explain everything that i feel right now, and i know that my hubby is really trying hard, but he is quickly losing patience, i went to work with him last night because the kids went to see a fireworks show with my mother in law, i was out exaclty 1 hour when i told him that i wanted to go home, he was in the middle of towing a car and i told him to leave me at the bus stop so i could just get home. of course he didn't do that he was afraid that i would pick up and so then i accused him of not careing about my feelings and that i was tired of all his nonsese, that every time i was in a lousey mood it doesn't mean that i'm going to pick up. deep down inside i know that he was right, i didn't reaqlize it until this morning, but he did save me last night. i know in my heart that i really didnt want to go home all i wanted to do was get high. i cant wait for friday to be over with, maybe then i will be able to see stright again, then sunday we are leaving for vacation and we wont be back until thursday, then i will have the 14th to deal with, ut he promised me that he wont leave me alone on either of those days, that i can go to work with him so that he knows that i am safe. am i being to hard on him, for trying to protect me so much?/ i'm just so confused about so much that my head hurts when i think.

talk to you soon

Bernadette

wakowife · 08-06-2003, 08:30 PM

i swear i cant do this anymore, my son turned on meagain tonight dureing dinner, because he didn't like what i made, we wound up haveing a screaming match at the dinner table, and then my husband let him go play pool and i just laid into my husband about the whole thing, i just told him that i'm filing my mom's income tax papers tomorrow and as soon as i get the money i'm moving out. even my daughter told her dad that he was wrong, that he yelled at me for screaming back at my son. i just cnt take anymor, i told him i was leaving and his answerwas just go, dont ever come back, it's just an excuse anyway. even my friend cheryl sees what is going on and how my son is " the golden child" as she calls him. if i laid down tonight and never woke again that would be jsut fine with me. i cant make my husband see that all that is going on in this house with my son flip flopping back and forth on me is driving me crazy, i had a nervouse break down once and i feel like i'm headed in that direction again, i even gaveup my doctors appt for the past 2 days, because i jsut dont care what happens anymore. sorry to lay this on you i just needed to get it out, and not walk out the door to pick up. i don t want to give them the satisfaction of falling and having them say i told you so. i'm going to beat these craving and show them all that i intend to do good on my threat, i'm out of here as soon as i get enought money together to leave.

Bernadette

wakowife · 08-06-2003, 08:31 PM

i swear i cant do this anymore, my son turned on meagain tonight dureing dinner, because he didn't like what i made, we wound up haveing a screaming match at the dinner table, and then my husband let him go play pool and i just laid into my husband about the whole thing, i just told him that i'm filing my mom's income tax papers tomorrow and as soon as i get the money i'm moving out. even my daughter told her dad that he was wrong, that he yelled at me for screaming back at my son. i just cnt take anymor, i told him i was leaving and his answerwas just go, dont ever come back, it's just an excuse anyway. even my friend cheryl sees what is going on and how my son is " the golden child" as she calls him. if i laid down tonight and never woke again that would be jsut fine with me. i cant make my husband see that all that is going on in this house with my son flip flopping back and forth on me is driving me crazy, i had a nervouse break down once and i feel like i'm headed in that direction again, i even gaveup my doctors appt for the past 2 days, because i jsut dont care what happens anymore. sorry to lay this on you i just needed to get it out, and not walk out the door to pick up. i don t want to give them the satisfaction of falling and having them say i told you so. i'm going to beat these craving and show them all that i intend to do good on my threat, i'm out of here as soon as i get enought money together to leave.

Bernadette and now to top it all of this stupid site wont let me send my message, is the whold world out to get me????

2stop · 08-06-2003, 08:44 PM

Oh Bernadette, I understand the feelings of not even caring anymore what happens to me, I just want away from it all..it is very difficult, but you can work through this, okay? I used to be the type could handle anything(I thought)Would hold it all in and by the time I was about to really explode I truly believed the world was out to get me, hold me down, and kick me even when I was down..You are overwhelmed with emotions and grief and anger and frustration, and it's all vying for equal time inside your head. Take some really deep abdominal breathes, come on, do it.., okay? Now, I know deep inside you probably don't want to leave..but you also don't want to feel the way you are right now...I truly believe the first thing you should is in the morning get to the dcotor appoinment.

And it is going to be so important for you to take care of YOU first. I fully understand that when theer is chaos and craziness in the household it seems impossible to get focused on what WE have to do stay/become sane again..But I know it has been at these precise times I gained the most inner strength I have known before, and fro sure it didn't so much FEEL like it at the time, but when I DID what I knew I had to do in spite of the fear I gained some ground. Have you thought anymore about going toa grief recovery group? I understand that even thinking about this makes you very scared and pained inside, but I also know that holding back our grief will only makes us more scared and afraid and angry. Hold our hand my dear, we'll help you walk through this, okay? I know you can make it through this...and I am sending big hugs and prayers for strength your way..

SkyIsFalling42 · 08-06-2003, 08:48 PM

(((Wakowife)))
Sending strength and warm hugs your way. From listening to you i get the feeling that all in the house have probably had enough. I know what this is like. one day..after a very bad incident, i started planning to leave. Each day that went by I felt a little stronger..re thought things..changed things around made changes where they were needed. I started packing little things and hiding the bags..I was scared to death he would find them..but he never did. I waited intil the taxes came in, and i took my half. The social workers and my mom came After he went to work and we packed what we could get into the 2 vehicles..picked my oldest daughter up from school and went to the battered womens shelter. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, with my 3 children who depended on me for everything. He put the remaining things we could not bring with us-everything out for a yard sale after we left. My grandchildrens father and his mother did this with the kids things also. One of the social workers felt bad for our dog and went back to check on him, he was sick and she took him to the animal shelter. He had to be put to sleep from internal bleeding from being kicked.
I could not live while being smothered and pushed down by him. Things only kept getting worse.
I can tell you that it is the most scary and then the most wonderful thing to go through. I got to have freedom, love, opinions, etc after i left him..it took time..but it was wonderful. I have never regretted leaving him..never.
We cannot change others. Only us.
Wako..please keep you first..go to dr., etc. you can do this..I have confidence in you. I hear you have real desire to keep clean..you deserve better than this.

wakowife · 08-07-2003, 12:01 PM

2stop & sky:

you both are always so full of wisdom, sometimes i just cant see stright anymore, today i had to go to my last parenting class, and next week i go to pick up my certificate, after that i dont know what i wil do, i just dont think there is anything worth saving here anymore. the emotional abuse is so bad i feel like i'm losing my mind. i was able to think a little better this morning and i know that what ever decision i make i must think real hard about before i make it. as afar as the dr, i refuse to keep taking meds that dont seem to be doing anything for me. i need to get back to work or school or something just so i dont have to be here all the time. it's frustrateing because the apt is small and the kids each have there own room but we sleep in the living room, right next to the kitchen he works nights so he sleeps during the day. and i have to watch every sound that i make for i dont want to wake him up. i just dont know what i want to do anymore. maybe we just need time away from each other. i'm at the poiunt that i feel non existant here and that if i left noone would really care. or notic3e for that matter

Bernadette

wakowife · 08-09-2003, 08:09 PM

2 Stop:

well just as i think everything is getting better around here or at least a lilttly calmer, it starts all over again, tonight my son went balastic again, all because we are leaving for vacation tomorrow, no bigggie just doing Dorney Park, in PA for a couple of days, he dont want to go and never expressed other wise. now he claims that he wanted to go to Bush Gardens in Virginia. the scene he caused again, and the names that i was called, i have had enough, my husbnd had to get in the middle of it again and physically restrain my son from coming after me, and the longer he screamed at me and the more names that he called me, i just kept quiet and then at one point i could nt take it any more and i just burst out laughing and that totlly made him go crazy. then he went storming out of the house and we havent heard from him since, i'm not worried because i'm at the point that if he dont want to live here anymore he can go live with my mother in law, if he thinks he has it so bad here, then he should go there, but i wouldnt give him a week before he came running back, she is 74 years old and lives with her 54 year old spinster sister, and they go to bed by 9 every night. i want to see a 16 year old live under those conditions. at least this time my husband was on my side, and at one point my daughter went right up to her brother and called him an A** H*(**

i just dont get it, here we are trying to give them a good couple of days, spending money we really could spend on school clothers or something else that is much needed, but instead my husband took 3 days off from work with no pay, to make these kids have a good time and my son is just so spoiled that he has to go and ruin everything. he is just so ungreatful and he thinks that the world owes him something because he has an addict for a mother. can you imagine if the children of all addicts and alcholics thought that wapy??
thanks for letting me vent, we everythng that has been going on even with my friend i was actually able to get thru my mom's birthday realitively easier than i thought. i guess there just wasn't enough hours i the day left to think????

Bernadette

wakowife · 08-13-2003, 06:36 PM

hey girl: you are doing great, wow 30 days back, i'm so proud of you, i just know that you are going to be ok. i went away for a few days with the hubby and the kids, went to PA, Dorney Park, had a good time, it felt really good to just get away for awhile, i was able to h andle my mom's birthday with out to much emotion and tomorrow is 6 months that she is gone, but i have some things to do to keep me busy, i have to go to my last parenting class ( it's a review) and then i get my certificate, that all started when my son started to use his hands and the courts turned the tables on me because of my past drug use, i passed all the drug test including the hair folic test and i have kept all the appointment that they set up for me, the social worker hasn't been here in months, and i had started the parenting class before my mom got sick, and then with her passing and my surgeery i never completed it, i told my social worker t set it up so that i could have finished the last 4 classes, she never bothered tog et back to me, so i did it myself, and now as soon as i get the certificate, i can go back into family court with it and prove to the judge that i did everything that they asked and the case will be sealed. i plan on going to the court house next monday. in the mean time i have had a few phone calls from some personnel agencies and i'm going to start going on interviews next week. it's timei got back to some kind of a normal life.

love you and glad to see that your doing so well/

Bernadette

Chy · 08-13-2003, 08:07 PM

B,

Just want you to know as this day approaches I too am here for you. Grieve your lose but celebrate her life!

wakowife · 08-18-2003, 08:52 PM

2stop; HOW ARE YOU DOING, I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU THAT MUCH, HOPE EVERYTHING IS OK. HOW DID YOU HANDLE THE BLACKOUT? EVERYTHING WENT PRETTY SMOOTH OVER AT THIS END. JUST WANTED TO TOUCH BASE WITH YOU

bERNADETTE

08-04-2003, 08:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	2 stop how are you doing these days?? i know i havent really been poistin that much, as you know already this is a real bad week for me with my mom's birthday comeing up this friday and then her 6month anniversay is on the 14th. i cant seem to keep it together and although my family is trying really hard i can feel myself starting to slip, the cravings are getting really bad, to the piunt i dont trust my self to go out of the house alone. i dont want to screw up again but i'm so scared that i can taste it coming. i keep haveing the crazy dreams that i wake up thinking that the pipe is in my hand and i actually start searching all my hiding places for it just dont know what to do to keep it together. today i went out and bought candles aboutg 8 of them and i have lit every single on of them and i prayed to god to watch over me and not let me have yet another slip. any suggestions on how to deal??? Bernadette

08-05-2003, 07:34 AM	#2 (permalink)
2stop ~Author of My Life~ Join Date: May 2003 Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't.... Posts: 4,794	You can make it through this wihtout using!~ I know it's scary and so painful..but you have a great sense of accomplishment and peace from not letting anything talk you into using. Keep praying and tell yourself how far you have come, and know God will walk with you every step of the way. Get on here and talk to us, write in a journal, go get your hair done, your nails, do something that make syou feel good about yourself, and make a commotment that you don't have to use for this 24 hrs, and step by step you will find you Do have the courage inside you to remain sober, no matter the pain at present. And we usually know the dang drugs are only going to make us feel worse, but we feel like we need relief NOW, and believe me I know that feeling all too well. I have been craving really bad here lately, but I am not going to give in because I have come to far to start over again. It's white-knuckles and craziness some days but I am still sober and I know you can make it too. We're here for you hon,, don't hesitate to ask for help and hang in there, okay? Sending big hugs and love to you my dear!!~ __________________ Many Hugs and Hope too, Tammie "Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~ "Things do not change, WE change." ~Henry David Thoreau~

08-05-2003, 09:11 PM	#5 (permalink)
2stop ~Author of My Life~ Join Date: May 2003 Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't.... Posts: 4,794	A step at a time my dear, you can do this you know...Sending big hugs and prayers for strength your way. __________________ Many Hugs and Hope too, Tammie "Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~ "Things do not change, WE change." ~Henry David Thoreau~

08-06-2003, 08:44 PM	#9 (permalink)
2stop ~Author of My Life~ Join Date: May 2003 Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't.... Posts: 4,794	Oh Bernadette, I understand the feelings of not even caring anymore what happens to me, I just want away from it all..it is very difficult, but you can work through this, okay? I used to be the type could handle anything(I thought)Would hold it all in and by the time I was about to really explode I truly believed the world was out to get me, hold me down, and kick me even when I was down..You are overwhelmed with emotions and grief and anger and frustration, and it's all vying for equal time inside your head. Take some really deep abdominal breathes, come on, do it.., okay? Now, I know deep inside you probably don't want to leave..but you also don't want to feel the way you are right now...I truly believe the first thing you should is in the morning get to the dcotor appoinment. And it is going to be so important for you to take care of YOU first. I fully understand that when theer is chaos and craziness in the household it seems impossible to get focused on what WE have to do stay/become sane again..But I know it has been at these precise times I gained the most inner strength I have known before, and fro sure it didn't so much FEEL like it at the time, but when I DID what I knew I had to do in spite of the fear I gained some ground. Have you thought anymore about going toa grief recovery group? I understand that even thinking about this makes you very scared and pained inside, but I also know that holding back our grief will only makes us more scared and afraid and angry. Hold our hand my dear, we'll help you walk through this, okay? I know you can make it through this...and I am sending big hugs and prayers for strength your way.. __________________ Many Hugs and Hope too, Tammie "Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~ "Things do not change, WE change." ~Henry David Thoreau~

08-06-2003, 08:48 PM	#10 (permalink)
SkyIsFalling42 Big kitty nose hugs Join Date: May 2003 Location: Center of The World Posts: 1,261	(((Wakowife))) Sending strength and warm hugs your way. From listening to you i get the feeling that all in the house have probably had enough. I know what this is like. one day..after a very bad incident, i started planning to leave. Each day that went by I felt a little stronger..re thought things..changed things around made changes where they were needed. I started packing little things and hiding the bags..I was scared to death he would find them..but he never did. I waited intil the taxes came in, and i took my half. The social workers and my mom came After he went to work and we packed what we could get into the 2 vehicles..picked my oldest daughter up from school and went to the battered womens shelter. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, with my 3 children who depended on me for everything. He put the remaining things we could not bring with us-everything out for a yard sale after we left. My grandchildrens father and his mother did this with the kids things also. One of the social workers felt bad for our dog and went back to check on him, he was sick and she took him to the animal shelter. He had to be put to sleep from internal bleeding from being kicked. I could not live while being smothered and pushed down by him. Things only kept getting worse. I can tell you that it is the most scary and then the most wonderful thing to go through. I got to have freedom, love, opinions, etc after i left him..it took time..but it was wonderful. I have never regretted leaving him..never. We cannot change others. Only us. Wako..please keep you first..go to dr., etc. you can do this..I have confidence in you. I hear you have real desire to keep clean..you deserve better than this. __________________ Love In Spirit, Sky Where my heart is....... http://Writing.Com/authors/skyisfalling02 "Never Give In, Never Give In, Never Give In, Never, Never, Never." ~~Sir Winston Churchill~~ Last edited by SkyIsFalling42; 08-06-2003 at 08:53 PM.

08-05-2003, 08:47 PM	#4 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	thanks for the encourageing words. i just feel so absoutely lost, and then today i went to the dmv to transfer my mom's car from her name to mine, and they gave me such a hard time, i spen 4 1/2 hours there and i still have to go back tomorrow, i didn't know that the insurance had lapsed on her car in early july, and so they suspended her license for 27 days, now they want me to pay $8. per day for the 27 days, then they told me that the copy fo the death certificate wasn't good enough, i started to cry and scream so loud that i think i made everyone turn around. then one stupid clerk is looking at all my paper work includeing the death certificate and she actually had the gall to ask me where my mother was, at that point i completely lost it and i screamed that she was in the calvery cemetery would she like me to go dig her up to prove that she was dead. i feel like i yelling and screaming at everyone, and truthfully my husband has really been trying very hard to help me but all i do is keep pushing him away. the only thing i said to him when i finally got home was that if i closed my eyes tonight and never woke up again, i would be the happiest person, i told him that i just dont want to go on anymore and ireally mean that at this point in time. i jsut had enough, i still have to file my mom's income taxes and i know that i have put all of this on hold for much to long, i thought i would be able to handle it better if i waited, oh how wrong i was, now i wish that i had gotten all of this over with in the early stages of grieving, now i feel like i'm starting to live the whole nightmare all over again from the beginning. thank s for letting me just go on, i dont know what i would do right now with out you and this site. just saying thank you doesn't feel like enough. Bernadette

08-06-2003, 03:15 PM	#6 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	thanks for the help, today doesn't feel much better than yesterday, but at least i got the whole business of taking my car out of my moms name and putting it in my own done, i shouldn't have waited so long to take care of things like this, all it does is open up all the old wounds again, now as soon as i get back from vacation next thursday, i have made up my mind to have her income taxes done. i have to get my priorities stright, and one of the most important things thaqt i can do for myself right now is to get all of this paperwork concerning my mom done once and for all. at least that way i won't be dragging up her name and her death everytime something has to be done. i just cant explain everything that i feel right now, and i know that my hubby is really trying hard, but he is quickly losing patience, i went to work with him last night because the kids went to see a fireworks show with my mother in law, i was out exaclty 1 hour when i told him that i wanted to go home, he was in the middle of towing a car and i told him to leave me at the bus stop so i could just get home. of course he didn't do that he was afraid that i would pick up and so then i accused him of not careing about my feelings and that i was tired of all his nonsese, that every time i was in a lousey mood it doesn't mean that i'm going to pick up. deep down inside i know that he was right, i didn't reaqlize it until this morning, but he did save me last night. i know in my heart that i really didnt want to go home all i wanted to do was get high. i cant wait for friday to be over with, maybe then i will be able to see stright again, then sunday we are leaving for vacation and we wont be back until thursday, then i will have the 14th to deal with, ut he promised me that he wont leave me alone on either of those days, that i can go to work with him so that he knows that i am safe. am i being to hard on him, for trying to protect me so much?/ i'm just so confused about so much that my head hurts when i think. talk to you soon Bernadette

08-06-2003, 08:30 PM	#7 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	i swear i cant do this anymore, my son turned on meagain tonight dureing dinner, because he didn't like what i made, we wound up haveing a screaming match at the dinner table, and then my husband let him go play pool and i just laid into my husband about the whole thing, i just told him that i'm filing my mom's income tax papers tomorrow and as soon as i get the money i'm moving out. even my daughter told her dad that he was wrong, that he yelled at me for screaming back at my son. i just cnt take anymor, i told him i was leaving and his answerwas just go, dont ever come back, it's just an excuse anyway. even my friend cheryl sees what is going on and how my son is " the golden child" as she calls him. if i laid down tonight and never woke again that would be jsut fine with me. i cant make my husband see that all that is going on in this house with my son flip flopping back and forth on me is driving me crazy, i had a nervouse break down once and i feel like i'm headed in that direction again, i even gaveup my doctors appt for the past 2 days, because i jsut dont care what happens anymore. sorry to lay this on you i just needed to get it out, and not walk out the door to pick up. i don t want to give them the satisfaction of falling and having them say i told you so. i'm going to beat these craving and show them all that i intend to do good on my threat, i'm out of here as soon as i get enought money together to leave. Bernadette

08-06-2003, 08:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	i swear i cant do this anymore, my son turned on meagain tonight dureing dinner, because he didn't like what i made, we wound up haveing a screaming match at the dinner table, and then my husband let him go play pool and i just laid into my husband about the whole thing, i just told him that i'm filing my mom's income tax papers tomorrow and as soon as i get the money i'm moving out. even my daughter told her dad that he was wrong, that he yelled at me for screaming back at my son. i just cnt take anymor, i told him i was leaving and his answerwas just go, dont ever come back, it's just an excuse anyway. even my friend cheryl sees what is going on and how my son is " the golden child" as she calls him. if i laid down tonight and never woke again that would be jsut fine with me. i cant make my husband see that all that is going on in this house with my son flip flopping back and forth on me is driving me crazy, i had a nervouse break down once and i feel like i'm headed in that direction again, i even gaveup my doctors appt for the past 2 days, because i jsut dont care what happens anymore. sorry to lay this on you i just needed to get it out, and not walk out the door to pick up. i don t want to give them the satisfaction of falling and having them say i told you so. i'm going to beat these craving and show them all that i intend to do good on my threat, i'm out of here as soon as i get enought money together to leave. Bernadette and now to top it all of this stupid site wont let me send my message, is the whold world out to get me????

08-07-2003, 12:01 PM	#11 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	2stop & sky: you both are always so full of wisdom, sometimes i just cant see stright anymore, today i had to go to my last parenting class, and next week i go to pick up my certificate, after that i dont know what i wil do, i just dont think there is anything worth saving here anymore. the emotional abuse is so bad i feel like i'm losing my mind. i was able to think a little better this morning and i know that what ever decision i make i must think real hard about before i make it. as afar as the dr, i refuse to keep taking meds that dont seem to be doing anything for me. i need to get back to work or school or something just so i dont have to be here all the time. it's frustrateing because the apt is small and the kids each have there own room but we sleep in the living room, right next to the kitchen he works nights so he sleeps during the day. and i have to watch every sound that i make for i dont want to wake him up. i just dont know what i want to do anymore. maybe we just need time away from each other. i'm at the poiunt that i feel non existant here and that if i left noone would really care. or notic3e for that matter Bernadette

08-09-2003, 08:09 PM	#12 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	2 Stop: well just as i think everything is getting better around here or at least a lilttly calmer, it starts all over again, tonight my son went balastic again, all because we are leaving for vacation tomorrow, no bigggie just doing Dorney Park, in PA for a couple of days, he dont want to go and never expressed other wise. now he claims that he wanted to go to Bush Gardens in Virginia. the scene he caused again, and the names that i was called, i have had enough, my husbnd had to get in the middle of it again and physically restrain my son from coming after me, and the longer he screamed at me and the more names that he called me, i just kept quiet and then at one point i could nt take it any more and i just burst out laughing and that totlly made him go crazy. then he went storming out of the house and we havent heard from him since, i'm not worried because i'm at the point that if he dont want to live here anymore he can go live with my mother in law, if he thinks he has it so bad here, then he should go there, but i wouldnt give him a week before he came running back, she is 74 years old and lives with her 54 year old spinster sister, and they go to bed by 9 every night. i want to see a 16 year old live under those conditions. at least this time my husband was on my side, and at one point my daughter went right up to her brother and called him an A** H(* i just dont get it, here we are trying to give them a good couple of days, spending money we really could spend on school clothers or something else that is much needed, but instead my husband took 3 days off from work with no pay, to make these kids have a good time and my son is just so spoiled that he has to go and ruin everything. he is just so ungreatful and he thinks that the world owes him something because he has an addict for a mother. can you imagine if the children of all addicts and alcholics thought that wapy?? thanks for letting me vent, we everythng that has been going on even with my friend i was actually able to get thru my mom's birthday realitively easier than i thought. i guess there just wasn't enough hours i the day left to think???? Bernadette

08-13-2003, 06:36 PM	#13 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	hey girl: you are doing great, wow 30 days back, i'm so proud of you, i just know that you are going to be ok. i went away for a few days with the hubby and the kids, went to PA, Dorney Park, had a good time, it felt really good to just get away for awhile, i was able to h andle my mom's birthday with out to much emotion and tomorrow is 6 months that she is gone, but i have some things to do to keep me busy, i have to go to my last parenting class ( it's a review) and then i get my certificate, that all started when my son started to use his hands and the courts turned the tables on me because of my past drug use, i passed all the drug test including the hair folic test and i have kept all the appointment that they set up for me, the social worker hasn't been here in months, and i had started the parenting class before my mom got sick, and then with her passing and my surgeery i never completed it, i told my social worker t set it up so that i could have finished the last 4 classes, she never bothered tog et back to me, so i did it myself, and now as soon as i get the certificate, i can go back into family court with it and prove to the judge that i did everything that they asked and the case will be sealed. i plan on going to the court house next monday. in the mean time i have had a few phone calls from some personnel agencies and i'm going to start going on interviews next week. it's timei got back to some kind of a normal life. love you and glad to see that your doing so well/ Bernadette

08-13-2003, 08:07 PM	#14 (permalink)
Chy Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx Posts: 5,867	B, Just want you to know as this day approaches I too am here for you. Grieve your lose but celebrate her life!

08-18-2003, 08:52 PM	#15 (permalink)
wakowife Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ozone Park, New York Posts: 281	2stop; HOW ARE YOU DOING, I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU THAT MUCH, HOPE EVERYTHING IS OK. HOW DID YOU HANDLE THE BLACKOUT? EVERYTHING WENT PRETTY SMOOTH OVER AT THIS END. JUST WANTED TO TOUCH BASE WITH YOU bERNADETTE

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